Capítulo 88: Chapter Twenty-Two: Renewed Hope
Christmas of Kanako's second year of high school had truly become one of the worst days of her life. After having her confession completely fail, her subsequent shock had prevented her from going after Haruna. Then, Michi had found her sitting on the sidewalk in the snow, and that had let to yet another fight with her former best friend (albeit one-sided).
Since that night, very little had happened. Kanako had gotten past her shock for the most part, but that had only led to her feeling depressed. Some part of her knew that she should just go next door and talk to Haruna, or even just call her, but she just couldn't bring herself to do either. Haruna had once felt so within reach, and now she felt impossibly far away.
The next week had consisted of Kanako doing a lot of lying around, staring blankly at things and sighing. It had gotten so bad to the point that her own parents insisted she get out of the house, if only for a change of scenery (and a reprieve from their daughter's mood) Naturally, they had both tried asking what had happened, but all Kanako would say was "Nothing."
Their concern certainly felt warranted. When Kanako had come home on Christmas night, her mom had seen her skirt covered in wet splotches, her makeup a mess, and Kanako's hair had come mostly undone. Her mother had tried to make sure that Kanako was okay, but she hadn't even gotten a response then. Instead, all Kanako had done was shuffle past her and to her room, before getting into the bath.
Throughout all of her moping, she had also been doing a lot of thinking, and as she did, she found that her gaze tended to drift in the direction of the house next door. Kanako often wondered what Haruna was doing, and if she was thinking about her. "Probably not…" Kanako would usually conclude. After all, Haruna had assumed she was getting rejected. If she had made that assumption, that meant she had probably already thought over her feelings and came to accept that outcome. What reason would there be for her to be thinking about Kanako?
She hoped she was wrong. Haruna had confessed to her. Was it really possible for her to have already given up on those feelings entirely? Kanako wanted to believe that wasn't possible, and that she still had a chance, but… No matter how much she tried to think that, it just wouldn't register.
Whatever it was that Kanako was feeling, it prevented her from having any real sense of optimism. She hesitated to call it heartbreak, but at the same time, there didn't seem to be a better word for it. To her, heartbreak meant getting rejected after confessing or someone breaking up with you. In Kanako's case, she hadn't even been in a relationship, and Haruna, the one who had confessed, had also indirectly rejected her.
"What has my life come to…" Kanako sighed to herself. Her first love, Akio, had pretended to ask her out only to play it off as some cruel joke. Her second love, Haruna, had bared her heart to Kanako only to turn around and basically take it back. Was there something about Kanako that made people want to rescind their love?
Thinking that brought Kanako back to the critical question she had asked Michi. She had known the girl wouldn't be able to answer, but she had asked anyway, if for no other reason than to have some sort of response.
Kanako wanted to know what if meant to love. She thought she had known. If she loved with all her heart, and those feelings were reciprocated, then that was that. She'd probably get in a relationship with that person and they'd be happy together. And yet, when put into practice, it didn't work out so well. Admittedly, there had been times when Kanako had been the obstacle in her own way, but she couldn't help but feel like more often than not, it was how she loved that seemed to keep getting her in trouble.
She had loved Akio so much that she had had tunnel vision. That tunnel vision not only got herself hurt, but also Haruna in the process. Then, in the pursuit of the perfect night, Kanako had put Haruna's feelings on hold for too long, and they had turned into something else, rearing their head at Kanako instead of meeting her gently.
If loving with all her heart kept hurting her, then was she wrong? Was it wrong to love like that? What did it even mean to love? Once again, Kanako's thoughts brought her back to that question, but it seemed like no matter how much she thought, she could never find an answer.
*****
When New Year's Eve turned into New Year's Day, Kanako barely even noticed. Perhaps the only reason she did was because her parents told her they were going to go out to a shrine. They invited her too, but Kanako had only shaken her head in response. She was in no mood to go out. Besides, if she ran into Haruna, what would happen? Kanako was sure that if something like that did happen, she would be at a complete loss for words.
Her entire basis for loving had seemingly been proven wrong twice within a year. If she wasn't even sure what love was to her anymore or how she should go about it, how could she possibly talk to the girl she was in love with?
So, Kanako stayed in. She stared at the TV screen as people said what they were hoping to do in the new year. "It must be nice… to go after what you want," she thought. Of course, it wasn't as if Kanako didn't have any non-romantic goals, but they had all certainly been put behind the one that had been on her mind for the last month or so. For a moment, Kanako wondered if she should make "going out with Haruna" her New Year's resolution, but she quickly threw the idea out. What was the point if she couldn't even muster up the will and nerve in the first place?
By the time Kanako's parents got back, the girl in question had managed to work herself into even more of a depressed state. Seeing that, both mother and father had had enough. "Kanako dear," her mother said. "Tomorrow, you need to go out. I don't care where, but you need start doing something about that mood of yours." "Bringing all of your worries into the new year with you is bound to bring bad luck," her father added. "Why don't you do your shrine visit tomorrow morning?" "I don't really feel like going out…" Kanako mumbled. "It's… not really a suggestion," her father said. Looking at him, Kanako sighed. "...Fine."
When the next morning came, Kanako got up and put the minimal amount of effort into her appearance. Wearing a baggy shirt, sweatpants and a big coat, Kanako made her way to the front door, but was quickly stopped. "I will not allow my daughter to go outside looking like some lazy bum," her mother said sternly, but then her face softened. "Is whatever's bothering you so much that you can't even dress properly?"
Kanako was silent. She hadn't told her mother really anything about what had happened, but it was obvious that something was going on. Honestly, it wasn't as if Kanako wanted to keep what had happened on Christmas a secret. She just didn't know how to explain or even where to start.
In response to her mother's question, Kanako simply turned around, marched back upstairs, put on a better shirt and jeans, and then came back. "How's this?" she asked, although she wasn't really looking for approval. "Well, it's at least presentable," her mother said with some concern. "I'll be back soon," Kanako said, then went out the door.
As she walked, she felt the cold air on her face and it going into her lungs. It felt sharp, causing her to cough for a moment. Kanako hadn't even gone outside since that fateful night, so even breathing such frigid air required a momentary adjustment.
At first, she began to head to the shrine closest to her house, but then she changed her mind. Kanako couldn't remember if Haruna usually went at midnight or if she went in the mornings, but if it happened to be the latter, she'd definitely be at the shrine Kanako nearly went to. "I just can't see her…" she thought sadly. So instead, Kanako went to a different shrine that was a few minutes more away.
When she arrived, she found hardly anybody. It was around 10 a.m., and considering most people tended to go as soon as the new year came, it made sense that no one would be around. In fact, to say "hardly anybody" was perhaps an understatement. Really, there was only one other person. Dressed in the traditional white and red shrine maiden outfit, a young girl was standing out front with her back turned to Kanako. She seemed to be in the process of brushing something, but whatever it was, Kanako couldn't tell.
Considering seeing a shrine maiden at a shrine was nothing unusual, Kanako began to make her way up it. However, as she got closer, she stopped. "Huh?" she thought. "Isn't that…?" Tilting her head as if it would give her a better perspective, Kanako stared at the maiden ahead of her. With black hair cut in a bob and such a small stature, there was only one person Kanako knew that fit that description perfectly.
"Hinami-chan?" she called out tentatively. "W-Wah!" the girl exclaimed, dropping the brush that had been in her hand. "W-Who's there?! I-I-I-Is it a spirit?!" "Uh, Hinami-chan?" Kanako said the girl's name again. Turning around, she saw Kanako. "K-K-Kana-chan?!" she exclaimed, still apparently jarred by the sudden voice of someone. "Um, hey," Kanako waved with a mix of smiling and unease on her face. She couldn't stop wondering if Hinami was really okay whenever she was by herself.
"Is it okay if I use the shrine?" Kanako asked. "O-Oh, yes! Please do!" Hinami said, still clearly not recovered from her surprise. Laughing a little to herself, Kanako went up to the shrine and went through the routine. However, as she prayed, she found her mind was blank. "What should I even ask for?" she wondered. "Good health seems like a waste, and my grades are always average no matter what I do…"
Then, as she was thinking, one wish came to her. It almost felt pointless to ask for it, but with nothing else in mind, Kanako decided to go with it. After all, asking for help from the gods certainly couldn't hurt, could it? So, with as much of her heart as she could stir, Kanako prayed for a singular wish.
"Please let Haruna hear my feelings and accept them."
Finished with her prayer, Kanako turned away from the shrine, only to find Hinami staring at her. "S-Sorry," she said meekly. "I-I didn't mean to stare at you. I-It's just, y-you were praying for a long time, s-so I wondered if maybe you had something o-on your mind." "Ah…" Kanako let out. Now that she thought about it, Hinami would be the perfect person to talk to. She hadn't tried Chiyo out of fear that she'd get forced into some new plan, but with Hinami, Kanako didn't have to worry. And considering Hinami already knew about how Kanako felt, she didn't have to explain either.
Taking a deep breath, Kanako exhaled slowly. "Actually," she began. "I-If you're not too busy… could we talk?"
After taking a moment to finish up what she had been doing, Hinami walked over to Kanako and guided her to a nearby bench. The surface of it had been cleared of snow, but the wooden seat still felt quite cold on their own. Once seated, Kanako was quiet for only a second or two before she began to explain.
She told Hinami all about her plan for Christmas. How she and Haruna went out to eat, and how before that Chiyo had helped give her a really nice makeover. She talked about the set-up Chiyo had made for her, trying to give her the perfect spot for a confession. And then, Kanako told Hinami about how it all had gone wrong. How she had tried to tell Haruna her feelings, but before she could get very far, Haruna had cut her off and assumed she was being rejected. Lastly, how Kanako had been too shocked to chase after her when she ran away, and how she hadn't said anything to Haruna since.
When she finished, Kanako looked at Hinami with weary eyes. "That's awful…" the girl said softly. "I-I'm sorry that happened to you K-Kana-chan. B-But, you really haven't said anything to E-Endo-san?" "No," Kanako said, her voice small. "It's just… too hard…" "Hmm," Hinami let out. "W-Well, I suppose I understand. After something like that, I-I'm sure that your emotions are all a mess." "Yeah…" Kanako said weakly.
"The worst part is," she continued slowly. "I feel like I have to question how I fall in love with people now. I mean, failing twice has to mean there's something wrong with me, right?" "Kana-chan…" Hinami uttered. She watched as tears began to well up in Kanako's eyes. "I love her, Hinami-chan. I love Haruna so much it feels like my heart could burst! But, why is it… why is it that every time I try to convey that, it just blows up in my face?"
"Is it wrong to love so strongly? And if it is, what does it even mean to love?"
Kanako posed the same question to Hinami that she had asked Michi. For a moment, she was silent, but when she spoke, her words surprised Kanako. "Isn't that what it means to love someone?" Hinami asked rhetorically. "W-When you fall in love, y-you're supposed to get all giddy inside and stuff, r-right? A-And, sure, there might be times when it's hard, b-but that's just another example of your love. I think… loving with everything you have is a wonderful thing."
"Huh?" Kanako let out. She didn't understand. All that doing that had brought her was pain, hadn't it? If that was going to keep happening, then didn't that mean Kanako needed to make a change? What part about loving so strongly was wonderful?
"Kana-chan," Hinami continued. "W-We haven't known each other long, b-but… I feel like I can really see just how much you love E-Endo-san. When you talk about her, y-your face lights up. When you see her in the hallway, I-I can see your eyes following her every move. And when you're with her… I-I can see the love you two have, even if you aren't d-dating."
"Kana-chan, love like that… I-I think it's rare. To be able to love so much is something most people c-can't do. They're too afraid of being vulnerable or getting h-hurt. But you, K-Kana-chan… you just keep charging ahead. Sure, y-you've made some mistakes, but that's normal for everyone. N-No one ever said love was easy. But the love that you have K-Kana-chan is one that can carry you forward. I've seen it myself. Y-You have something that very few people do, and I think… I think that's something r-really beautiful about you."
Kanako couldn't hold back any longer. Drop by drop, the tears began to spill from her eyes. "B-But!" she cried. "S-She rejected me! I got hurt! What am I supposed to do?!" Then, to her surprise, Hinami spoke the sternest words Kanako had ever heard from her.
"Don't give up, Kana-chan."
Through teary eyes, Kanako stared at her. "I… I-I don't know much about love. M-Most of what I do know came from manga, TV shows or friends, but! ...But. There's just something about the love you have for E-Endo-san, and the love she has for you, that makes people want that. A-At least, that's how I feel. W-Whenever I see you two together, I can't help but think 'That would be nice.'!"
"The way you love is beautiful Kana-chan, b-because you're so willing to give your all to that person. The love you have is inspiring, b-because it makes others want to seek that too. So don't give up Kana-chan. As long as you don't, I-I'm sure it'll work out in the end."
The tears flooded out of Kanako's eyes. "H-Hinami...chan…" she said, sobbing. She had been thinking for what felt like forever. There had been so many questions inside of her, and she couldn't find answers anywhere. Over and over, Kanako had tortured herself endlessly, even coming to the point of wondering if loving was even worth it. Now though, all of those worries had been put to rest.
Wrapping her arm around Kanako, Hinami leaned her head up against the one on her shoulder. She didn't say anything more, but she could tell she didn't have to. It was clear, even through Kanako's crying, that she had made a resolution within herself.
"Thanks, Hinami-chan," Kanako said after she dried her tears. "We really haven't been friends very long, but it feels like you've already helped me so much." "O-Oh, w-well I'm glad you think I'm helping you," Hinami said shyly. Although, now that she was more clear-headed, Kanako realized she still had one more question.
"S-So, are you usually a shrine maiden?" she asked somewhat bluntly. "A-Ah, right!" Hinami said. "I-I guess you probably weren't expecting to see me like this." "Yeah, it was definitely a surprise," Kanako said.
"W-Well you see," Hinami began to explain. "A member of my extended family runs this shrine, so when we come over here around this time of year, I usually end up having to help out." "Ah, I see," Kanako said. "It looks cute though. The outfit, I mean." "Y-You think so?" Hinami asked. Kanako nodded. "Definitely!"
The two talked for a little while longer, but soon enough the cold caught up to them. Finishing their conversation, Kanako said her goodbyes and began to head home, her heart feeling lighter than it had in a week. She felt like she had such a better perspective than before. Kanako had had so many worries and doubts, but now she felt like they were things of the past.
No one ever said love is easy. Those words echoed in Kanako's heart, and she wanted to remember them. Perhaps she had been suffering under the delusion that if she just loved, it would be enough. Everything would go her way and it would be happily ever after. However, that's rarely the case. Love is hard. It takes work. And, if you really want someone, you have to give it everything you've got.
With renewed hope, Kanako took stronger strides. "I'm going to do it," she thought resolutely. "Haruna Endo, I swear I'm going to make you my girlfriend!"
End of Volume Four.
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