Capítulo 36: Chapter Seventeen: Lie To Yourself, Desperate One
It was now day three of the camping trip and the day had been relatively uneventful. The girls had all had breakfast together but then split off to do their own things. Itsuki had found a hiking trail and had convinced Mayu to go check it out with her. Haruna and Jasmine had both decided to stay indoors for the day, complaining it was too humid. So, that left Chiyo, Michi and Kanako without plans. Not wanting to be stuck inside with people that annoyed her, Michi had decided to go outside.
"What am I even doing out here?" she said aloud with a sigh. "It's not like I can find something to do..." Thinking about it, she hadn't come outside just to get away from Haruna and Jasmine. Michi was also still feeling awkward around Kanako. "We've been on this trip together, and yet I haven't even gotten the chance to really talk to her," Michi thought. The group had been spending most of their time as one, so there hadn't been any time to have individual conversations. However, it's not like there had been zero chances. "I guess I could've tried pulling Kana-chan aside after dinner or before bed or something," Michi thought reluctantly. She wanted to make up with Kanako, but there was still a part of her that felt justified in what she had said that night at Mayu's house. "All I did was answer her question," Michi told herself. "Kana-chan was the one that had to make it about that stupid Endo-san."
It was then that Michi began wondering once again what it was exactly about Haruna that Kanako liked. "All she is is a brute. She's mean, aggressive and is just all-around bad. How can Kana-chan want to be friends with someone like her?" Michi stared into the water of the creek. "And she was going on about changing... everything was perfectly fine the way it was. So why'd she have to go and make up with that jerk?"
"...Nothing should've changed. It should've stayed exactly how it was."
Looking at her own reflection, Michi could see she was scowling. It was an expression that she found she had been seeing more often any time she looked into a mirror. But, as she stared at herself, Michi's expression softened slightly. "Maybe I should talk to Kana-chan regardless of how I feel. Besides, I'm never going to be able to pull her away from Endo-san if there's this distance between us."
Making up her mind, Michi was about to look for Kanako when she saw a figure coming toward her. "Miii-chaaaan!" "Ugh..." she let out. "What does that bimbo want now?" Getting closer, Michi could see Chiyo's figure in full. The gal was wearing hardly any clothes at all, at least in Michi's eyes. The outfit in question was simply a neon red half shirt coming down just far enough to cover Chiyo's breasts, and a pair of tattered jean shorts that were barely long enough to reach the top of her thighs.
"Heya Mi-chan! What-cha doi- agooh!" Chiyo had begun speaking as soon as she had gotten close enough, but in the process of also trying to latch onto Michi, she had been met with a hand to her face, holding the gal a short distance away. "I've told you over and over again not to get near me! Honestly, this is bad enough with me having to even touch you! I'm sure you'll give me some sort of disease. And what's with those clothes, if you can even call them that! They don't cover a thing! You're completely shameless!"
Chiyo laughed in response. "So you are looking at me?" she teased. Michi let go of Chiyo. "N-No, of course not! It's just impossible to avoid seeing a girl wearing something so skimpy when they're charging right at you!" "It's okay Mi-chan. You don't have to get so defensive," Chiyo kept teasing. "I'm not defensive!" Michi yelled back. "Hey, how 'bout I have you try on a couple outfits I brought? Then you can look like this too! We'll even match!" Chiyo squealed. ��Like hell I want to do that! I'm perfectly happy with my own look thank you!" Michi huffed.
Chiyo stared. "Hey, Mi-chan." "What?!" Michi shouted. "Did something happen? This whole trip, you've seemed... I don't know, like, more angry or something. It's like you're not having any fun at all," Chiyo said, concerned. "Of course I'm not having fun! I got dragged out into the woods in the middle of nowhere by you! On top of that, I'm stuck out here with another sex-crazed bimbo and an absolute jerk of a girl! And, worst of all, I can't even talk to Kana-chan normally because of some stupid argument!" At that last sentence, Michi slapped her hand over her mouth before glaring at Chiyo. "You didn't hear that," she muttered.
But Chiyo wasn't going to let it go that easily. "I knew it. I had a feeling your moodiness had to do with Kana-chan." "S-So?! It's none of your business, so just leave it alone!" Michi shouted back. "Mi-chan, you really are stubborn, you know that?" Chiyo said flatly. Michi just crossed her arms and let out a "Hmph!" Chiyo sighed. "That's fine. It's not like I'm gonna force you to tell me or anything. It's just..." "What?" Michi said. "Nah, forget it," Chiyo said as she began walking away. "Hey," Michi stopped her. "Tell me."
Chiyo turned back around to face Michi, a serious look on her face. "I... don't want you to end up alone," she said. "...Huh?" Michi let out. "Alone? What does that mean?" "Honestly, if I tried to explain it, I'd probably just make it sound all confusing," Chiyo answered with an uncomfortable laugh. "So I'm just gonna let you think about it instead." Then she walked away.
Once again by herself, Michi sighed heavily. "What was that all about?" she muttered to herself. Crouching down next to the creek, she stared back at her own reflection. "I'm not alone... I have friends too you know," she said to no one. "It's not like I need you. Who'd need someone like you anyways? Always sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. It's like you're trying to always piss me off..."
Lightly swatting at the water, Michi kept talking to herself. "Seriously, what's her deal? Why can't she just leave me alone..." Continuing to stare at her own reflection, Michi sat in silence for a while, twirling her finger in the water. At one point a small fish swam up, curious about the motion, but then it quickly lost interest and went back to the flow of the current. Michi sighed. "Really, why am I here?" she wondered. "I justified my coming along by saying I needed to protect Kana-chan, but we've hardly said a word to each other. In fact, it's like she hasn't even needed me at all..."
That last thought resonated within Michi. "She hasn't... needed me, huh..." she mumbled. It was something of a realization for Michi, and it was one that she didn't know how to feel about. To her, Michi had been someone that Kanako could rely on and could confide in. It was true that they hadn't known each other for a very long time, but in the time that they'd been acquainted, Michi had felt like they had developed a strong bond. The two of them had laughed together and played together, and through all the times that Haruna had belittled, insulted and flat-out bullied Kanako, Michi had been the one there to get her friend through it. It had been hard to watch Kanako go through that, but it had seemed that after a while, those incidents weren't bothering her as much. Sure, she still looked hurt, but Michi thought that Kanako was simply learning to not pay much attention to it.
So when Kanako started to seem like her mood was changing from hour to hour, it had caused Michi to wonder what had happened. Of course, it hadn't taken long for her to find out. Once she saw Haruna with Kanako, that seemed to explain it all. And, truthfully, the sight enraged Michi.
At first, she had assumed that it must've been one big ploy. Somehow, Kanako had gotten wrapped up in Haruna's scheme and she was being used to do who knows what. But then, the sight of them holding hands in the hallways and coming and going to school together just confused Michi. She didn't understand what was happening anymore. Were they friends? Enemies? It was impossible to tell. When she had had enough and tried to confront Haruna about the whole thing, that had been enough to cause Kanako to tell the whole truth. Once Michi knew everything, she felt a mix of anger and confusion.
What was the point of consoling Kanako if she'd just subject herself to Haruna's abuse? What had she been doing all this time? What would it mean for her own friendship with Kanako? These were the questions that Michi had been asking herself. Over time, it was clear to everyone that Haruna and Kanako's relationship (whatever it may be) had at least seemed to have stabilized. That was a good thing. There weren't constant arguments anymore. Neither of them was insulting the other (at least not to a severe degree) and on top of it all, Haruna and Kanako's relationship helped to bring their two friend groups together. All in all, the results had been pretty positive.
But Michi saw none of this.
The thought never once crossed her mind that maybe Kanako was actually happy being Haruna's friend again, or that maybe it was good everyone was getting along. To Michi, it was impossible. Blinded by her own emotions, she saw things much differently. In Michi's eyes, Kanako was continuing to submit herself to Haruna and her atrocious personality. Even if Kanako insisted things were fine, Michi just couldn't believe it. There was no way a girl like Haruna, someone who had been so terrible to Kanako for so many years, could suddenly be at least a decent human being.
On top of all of this was one more thing Michi had yet to realize for herself: she was jealous. Or, perhaps jealous wasn't quite the right way to describe it. It wasn't that she wanted to have the relationship that Haruna and Kanako have together, but rather it was more so that she wanted her spot back that she believed had been stolen from her. All Michi had been able to do was sit and watch as Haruna slipped back into the No. 1 spot for friends of Kanako. All of that work, all of that time together, gone in an instant.
Of course, it wasn't actually gone. There were still plenty of bumps in the road for Haruna and Kanako and even though as they'd hit each one they'd managed to get closer one way or another, their relationship was still far from what one could call that of best friends. But again, that wasn't a line of reasoning that crossed Michi's mind. To her, it felt like her status as best friend or even friend in general was slipping out of her grasp. And now that she was beginning to feel desperate, Michi had an even stronger desire to talk to Kanako. "I have to make up with her," she told herself, her emotions starting to twist her thoughts. "I have to steal her back from Endo-san."
Driven by false ideas, Michi made up her mind.
*****
It hadn't been long since Michi had gone outside, but soon enough Kanako had decided to do the same. She had originally wanted to stay inside with Haruna and Jasmine, but after about 15 minutes of failing to come up with any good ideas for things to do, Kanako figured that she couldn't do any worse by going out. Once through the door, Kanako began wandering aimlessly, finding herself ending up just walking along the side of the cabin and inspecting the ground.
"Hm?" she let out, some motion catching her eye. Crouching down, Kanako looked closely at the grass that was jutting out from underneath the wood of the cabin. Filling the in between space was dirt, and in that dirt was currently a basic-looking worm that was wriggling along. "Come here little guy," she cooed as she put her hand down in front of it. Slowly, the worm felt out the new and unfamiliar surface before it before eventually squirming its way up. Then gently, Kanako raised her hand, careful to make sure her new passenger wouldn't fall.
"What'cha doin' Kana-chan?" a voice suddenly said behind her. "Eep!" Kanako squeaked, surprised enough by a person speaking that she nearly dropped the worm. Turning around, she was met with the view of shoulder-length, slightly curled pink hair waving in the soft breeze. "Oh, it's you Jasmine-chan," Kanako said. "I thought you wanted to stay inside?" "Well, I did, but like, Haru-chi started doing her own thing, and then I got totally bored, so I decided to come see if you found anything fun," Jasmine explained. "Oh," Kanako said. "I-I don't know about fun, but I did find this." Holding up the worm closer to Jasmine, the gal jumped back a bit. "Gross! Why're you holding something like that?!" she squealed in disgust. "So she's fine with bears, but not bugs?" Kanako thought to herself as she remembered the bear incident from the previous day. "I-It's just a worm," she said. "Put that thing back already!" Jasmine said, her panic clearly evident in her voice. "Okay, sure," Kanako said as she set the worm free. It happily crawled away along the dirt it had come from.
"Geez Kana-chan. Who woulda thought you'd be the type of girl to mess with bugs?" Jasmine said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Y-Yeah, I guess you're right," Kanako said with a sad laugh. "I'm quiet and reserved and I lack confidence too. People have told me I look good, so I guess I have a little bit of attractiveness, but none of that really lines up with playing with worms huh?" After saying all of that, Kanako went back to staring at the grass.
"Well, I guess you're not wrong. You are kinda cute, but your stuttering half the time makes you come off as really timid, not to mention that your voice is super high too," Jasmine said flatly. "J-Jasmine-chan, has anyone ever told you you can be too honest?" Kanako said, now feeling worse. Jasmine let out a subtle laugh. "Yeah. But hey, you know what?" she said, looking at Kanako, who returned the gaze. "It's not like it all has to be bad. And, if you don't like it, you can do something about it."
Pulling out her phone, Jasmine began swiping through photos until she landed on one. "Here, look," she said, showing the screen to Kanako. "Huh? Who's that?" she asked. "That's me," Jasmine answered. "...What?!" Kanako said after a moment's delay. Before her was a picture of a girl with straight, jet black hair. It was similar to Haruna's but it was definitely longer, coming down to the girl's thighs. Her face was freckled just enough to be noticeable, and her expression looked pretty gloomy. The uniform she was wearing only added to the sad sight, with it being made up of a one piece, grey set that covered up all the way to the base of the neck and the skirt portion went to the ankles.
Jasmine was laughing away loudly at Kanako's reaction. "You sound just like all the other people I show this too!" she said giddily. "B-B-But how did you... I-I mean..." Kanako struggled to find the words to describe the comparison she was trying to make. In the picture was a very plain looking girl, and next to Kanako was what society knew as a gyaru or gal. The difference was night and day.
"Pretty boring, right?" Jasmine said. "U-um..." Kanako wanted to deny it, but Jasmine was right. Overall, the girl in the photo was one probably no one would notice. "That was me back in my first year of junior high," Jasmine continued. Kanako looked at her, still bewildered. "I bet you're wondering how I ended up like this huh?" Jasmine said. Kanako nodded. "I guess I just got tired of it," was the gal's answer. "Tired of what?" Kanako asked. "Hmmm. Being ignored, maybe? Or maybe I was just that desperate for a boyfriend. Who knows anymore really," Jasmine answered. "You don't remember anymore?!" Kanako asked, somewhat shocked. "Is it that big of a deal?" Jasmine replied with her own question. "Of course it is! You made such a huge change! You should remember why!" Kanako said passionately. "I don't think the reason really matters," Jasmine said casually. "Huh?" Kanako let out. Jasmine glanced at her. "Isn't it more important that I actually made the change?"
Kanako sat in silence. She didn't know what to say to that. Next to her, Jasmine smiled slightly. "Listen Kana-chan. If things like your voice or lack of confidence or whatever bothers you, it's not like you can't do anything about it." Kanako stared at Jasmine, then turned her eyes to the ground. "It feels like..." she began quietly. "Everyone keeps changing around me, and I'm just stuck in place." "Maybe they are," Jasmine said. "I'm not like Chiyo. I don't have some weird ability to offer sage wisdom or whatever at times of need. But y'know..." Jasmine stood up. "I've found that most of the time when I feel worried about stuff like that, I'm just overthinking it."
Kanako wasn't sure how to take that. Sure, she knew she had a tendency to overthink things as well, but the worries that plagued her didn't feel like that. They felt legitimate. Kanako shook her head. "Maybe you're right..." she said to Jasmine. They were words Kanako didn't entirely believe, but she wanted to. At the very least, she wanted to put her concerns out of her mind for the rest of the trip. Deciding to join Jasmine, Kanako stood up as well.
"Actually, I wanted to ask you more about that picture of you," Kanako said. "Sure," Jasmine said with a shrug. "W-Why do you carry it around with you?" Kanako asked. "Hm? I guess I just get a kick outta seeing how people react," Jasmine replied. "That's it?" Kanako said. "Well, I show it to girls too when they try to get all huffy with me about my looks. They try to tell me I was lucky to be born so beautiful and all that dumb stuff. So when I show 'em that pic, they normally shut up." "I see..." Kanako mumbled. "Anything else?" Jasmine asked. "Y-Yeah, um... what school was that uniform from? I didn't recognize it." "Oh, that. Let's see... Somewhere around Kyoto, maybe?" Jasmine said, seemingly unsure herself. "Kyoto?" Kanako repeated. "Are you not from Hokkaido?" "Nope," Jasmine said easily. "I'm from... a little of everywhere."
Kanako wanted to ask what Jasmine meant by that, but the statement felt a lot like when Chiyo said something cryptically. Figuring she'd never really get a straight answer, Kanako decided to just think on it on her own.
"Geez, it really is hot out here though. I'm going back in," Jasmine complained as she walked away. While she did, Kanako watched her go. "You're pretty amazing, Jasmine," she thought to herself. "You wanted to change, and you did, just like that. I wonder... if I can too." Truthfully, it felt a little odd to be thinking like that for Kanako. It wasn't as if she was dissatisfied with who she was as a person. In fact, even though she wished she was more confident, it didn't bother her that she wasn't. Her voice was high, but aside from people using that fact to insult her, that wasn't a problem either. Really, Kanako only kept thinking about change because of the individuals around her. But, thanks to that, it kept causing Kanako to wonder if maybe there was something wrong with her.
Before she could give the issue any more thought, Itsuki and Mayu came back, and after only a few minutes of being inside the cabin, Itsuki had come back out to collect both Kanako and Michi so they could help make dinner. Neither of them had realized the other was still outside, and when they reached the door together, they both stopped for a moment. "G-Go ahead," Kanako said, letting Michi go first. "Thanks..." the other girl muttered.
Dinner went smooth enough, with Itsuki doing most of the talking. She regaled the group with stories of her adventures through the woods, and Mayu just sat next to her and smiled the whole time. While it was true Mayu was (almost) always calm and kind, it felt like there was a little bit of irritation behind her happy expression. "I bet Itsuki-chan wore her out," Kanako thought as she listened to Itsuki go on and on.
Once the meal was concluded, the girls all began to help clean up, but in the midst of the activity, Michi came over to Kanako. "Hey, can we talk?" she asked point-blank. "S-Sure," Kanako said, setting down the plates she had collected. Following Michi outside, the two of them walked a little ways beyond the porch of the cabin, eventually stopping by a small grouping of trees. Certain no one else was in earshot now, Michi turned to face Kanako.
"I want to ask you something," she began. "Why did you insist we stay here?" "Huh?" Kanako said, confused. "I mean on the first day, when we were deciding on whether or not we'd stay or go home. You seemed like you were ready to leave, but then you said you wanted to stay. I'm just kind of curious as to why," Michi explained. "W-Well, I..." Kanako started. "... I-I just... thought it would be fun."
"Liar," Michi spat with venom. "W-What?" Kanako said, instinctively taking a half-step back out of a mixture of fear and surprise. "You only said that you wanted to stay after Endo-san said something to you." "A-All she said was that I should do what I want to do, s-so I did," Kanako said nervously. "Really? Because it seems to me like you just went along with her." "W-Why are you angry Mi-chan?" Kanako asked. "Did I say I was angry?" Michi shot back. "W-Well, no, but you look angry..." Kanako said quietly. "I'm telling the truth though. I just wanted to spend time with everyone. It's been nice seeing all of us have fun together. Don't you think so Mi-chan?"
Michi glared at Kanako, her features made strong by the way the setting sun hit her face. "No, I don't," she said harshly. "I didn't even want to come out here in the first place. But, I told myself that I should at least come for your sake, just in case Wakabayashi-san or Hiraoka-san tried anything. And then there's Endo-san..." Michi muttered that last part, but Kanako was still just barely able to hear it over the sound of the creek and chirping birds. "...Haruna?" she repeated. "W-Wait... Mi-chan, did you want to talk to me because of what happened at Mayu-chan's house?" Kanako remembered their previous argument ending with Michi being mad at Haruna for some reason.
An uncomfortable silence filled the air between them, and Kanako got the feeling that the conversation she was having was about to get worse. "You know, I figured it out..." Michi said suddenly. "Huh? Figured what out?" Kanako asked, confused again. "I know why you said you wanted to stay out here. Why you can't let go of Endo-san. Why you keep defending her..." "Mi-chan, what are you talking about? Y-You have a scary look in your eyes," Kanako said, shaking a little. "It's because she's manipulating you too, right? Just like Miyashita-san and that stupid deal he roped you into. They're both twisting you around to do what they want you to do, right?"
When Michi finally looked directly at Kanako, her eyes shown with desperation. She knew she was reaching. Even with the state Michi was in, she knew, deep, deep down, that what she was saying wasn't true. But she wanted it to be. It HAD to be. For the sake of her own friendship and standing with Kanako, this convenient falsity had to become the truth. Naturally though, the girl across from her had no idea what Michi meant.
"Ma...nipulating me?" Kanako repeated. "N-No, that's not what's going on at all. I explained all of this to you didn't I Mi-chan? I agreed to Akio-kun's deal so I can be with him in the end, and Haruna's my friend, someone I've always wanted to have back in my life. After giving it a lot of thought, I can understand that Akio-kun isn't really playing fair, but still..." "If you know that much, then why don't you just stop?" Michi asked, but she also practically yelled her question as well. "Y-You know why..." Kanako mumbled. "But Kana-chan... he's LYING to you. Do you really think he'll go out with you after all of this?" Kanako thought back to the day she thought was a date and how insistent Akio had been that it wasn't. "H-He's... not lying..." Kanako said, though her words didn't come out as convincing as she had hoped. "Then what about Endo-san?" Michi continued. "What about Haruna?" Kanako asked. "Isn't she just using you to get Miyashita-san?" "N-No, that's-" "I'm right, aren't I?" Michi pressed. "Some friend. I bet she's also making you do her homework and run other errands too right? Insulting you all the while!"
The words Michi spoke were full of bitterness, and if anyone else had spoken them, they probably would've sounded horrible. But Michi's face and tone of voice betrayed her. Her words were sharp, but her expression portrayed her desperation and her voice strained with each syllable. Kanako wasn't sure what to make of the girl before her. Michi certainly didn't seem like the friend Kanako had come to know. Regardless, Michi pressed on with her fraying argument. "I mean, she's terrible, right? I told you, right?! All she'll do is cause you pain! Just cut Endo-san out of your life and be happy!"
For a moment, Michi paused. She looked to see if her words had had any impact. As it turned out, they had. Just not in the way she was hoping. "Apologize," Kanako said firmly. "Huh?" Michi said. "Apologize to me and to Haruna for saying such awful things!" Kanako yelled back. She was in serious mode now, causing Michi now to become a little fearful. "Haruna is kind and caring. In the mornings, she comes to wake me up, even though we might be late because I'm always so sleepy still. She waits for me every day after club to walk home with me, and then, during the summer festival, Haruna took me to the best spot to see the fireworks. She doesn't even have to do all of that. It's all for our deal with Akio-kun. Haruna knows that she could lose, but she still keeps giving it her all."
Kanako stood resolute, but as she stared back at Michi, she noticed her friend was shaking. "Endo-san is sooo great, huh? She must be a saint with the way you praise her..." Michi said darkly, her face pointed at the ground. Then, looking up with fierce eyes, Michi shouted: "If she's so amazing, then why don't you just date her for real?!" Kanako's eyes went wide, and her mind stopped working.
Then, in several strides, Michi was nearly face to face with Kanako. "Oh, that's right. You can't. You're both girls. Both girls playing house for the heart of some guy who doesn't even give a damn about either of you." Kanako stood wide-eyed as Michi went on. "I tried to save you from this Kana-chan. I had it all ready. I was going to get Endo-san to leave you alone, and then your deal with Miyashita-san would fall apart and you'd finally go back to normal!" However, before Michi could keep going, Kanako stopped her.
"W-What do you mean? What were you going to do to Haruna?" Kanako asked, broken out of her ferocity. Michi froze, realizing she had said too much. Then, knowing she was too far in already, Michi clenched her fist at her side and let the truth fly. "I was going to blackmail her, alright?!" Kanako nearly fell over from the shock. "W-What...?" she managed to get out. "After you told me about your deal with her and Miyashita-san, I threatened to tell the whole school exactly what was going on if Endo-san didn't leave you alone."
Kanako was floored. "Why Mi-chan..." she squeaked, barely audible. "You know that hurts me, don't you? Why does it bother you so much? Why can't Haruna be around? Why... does this keep happening?" Tears streamed down Kanako's face, and finally, Michi saw just how much she had screwed up. "Kana-chan, I-" she started saying, but before she could finish, Kanako bolted. She was too afraid to hear what Michi would say next. Certainly something awful, she assumed.
So Kanako ran, leaving Michi by herself. For a moment, she felt regretful. No, for longer than a moment. "That wasn't how I wanted that to go at all..." Michi thought dejectedly. But despite her self-loathing and pain, she found that above it all were the same feelings she had started with. Michi still felt angry at Haruna and felt like her special place next to Kanako was being stolen. And surely, it had to be all Haruna's fault. "Endo-san is totally to blame for this," Michi told herself. "If I could've kept her away from Kana-chan, none of this would've happened."
Coming back to her usual self, Michi left the scene and headed back inside the cabin.
*****
As Kanako ran hundreds of thoughts rushed through her mind, but she was so overwhelmed by them that all that really seemed to be in Kanako's head was empty space. She had no idea what to think or how to feel. All she knew was that she wanted to be as far away as possible. "Why... why is everyone..." Kanako tried to piece together her thoughts, but to no avail. So, she just kept running. Finally, when she stopped, she took a look around. The setting sun was nearly gone, gradually being replaced by the night sky. Around Kanako were trees, bushes and more trees. Looking behind her, she couldn't quite be sure if that was the direction she had come from. Beginning to panic, Kanako now only had one question on her mind.
"Where... am I?"
End of Chapter Seventeen.
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