Capítulo 3: Why , oh dear heart , should you hurt this much!
...
"The furthest distance in the world
Is not between life and death
But when I stand in front of you
Yet you don't know that I love you."
....
Autumn never felt this pain in her heart and never could relate to another poetry before. Ms. Taylor was taking the students through the poem by Ravindranath Tagore. Autumn was going through the lines and relating her own pain. She felt Mr. Tagore has written on her behalf. Finally , she could relate and experience the poem. As her mom wanted. Was this how her parents felt when the "related" themselves to poems? But, why oh dear heart, should you pain this much?
It has been around 4 weeks since the day, when Chloe broke the friendship with them.Chloe used some harsh words and Charles had a big row over it. There had been some trouble and both brother and sister were lying low from paparazzi or rather "slumming" with them as Chloe put it forth. Apparently, Autumn was not as subtle in showing her affections towards Ryan. And Chloe in very specific terms said that Autumn had better keep her "advancements" to herself.
...
"The furthest distance in the world
Is not being apart while being in love
But when plainly cannot resist the yearning
Yet pretending you have never been in my heart."
.....
Every morning Autumn would glance around the gate to see if Ryan is around. Every lunch break , every evening when they start back home, even though she knew they are gone, Autumn couldn't control her urge to look around for a glimpse. Lunch time was harder, as Ryan always used to find method to take a break from his professor to align with their lunch time. Autumn tried to skip lunch or she grabs something and quickly gobble it up and rush towards library. Study was an excuse , a facade and a relief for her.
There are moments when she doubted if Ryan found her special at all. But then she would remember the smile he pass just for her, the way his eye colour changes when he looks at her, the way he liked to play with her hair, the way he linked his pinky finger with hers under the table... Ryan particularly liked her hair down. He never said anything so. First time Autumn put her hair in a ponytail, she found Ryan moves closer to her with his arms behind her shoulders, slowly caressing her hairs and subtly pulling the clip off. There was nothing subtle about what Ryan did. She yearned for each touch, each caress. A couple of times she put her hair in ponytail, always Ryan would pull out the clip and let her hair loose. So yeah, Ryan never said a word if he loved her hair open, she just assumed that is what he liked. Yeah, yeah, I know what you think about "assuming". I accept ,ok, I did make an *ss of myself.
Autumn tried really hard to show her friends that she is over Ryan or rather she never had any serious affections towards Ryan. At night, Ryan and his smile haunts Autumn. But she put forth a . But she wasn't fooling anyone. In a couple of days, both Ryan and Chloe flew back to their homestead ,wherever it is. But before they flew ,Ryan came to meet them to also what went wrong with chloe. Autumn wanted to meet him for at least a brief glimse or hear his voice for one last moment. But Charles and Nila made a strong front against Ryan. Charles, she was used to being protective of her and Nila but Nila's stand forced her to stay inside the library while they "dealt" with the problem. Hence she missed the chance to reveal her feelings to Ryan.
Ryan used to casually play with her curl when they were talking and subtly smells them when others were not looking. Autumn likes to think that he kisses her hair when he gets a chance. Even though Autumn has not spoken about Ryan to her dad, she was sure Charles kept Alan updated about everything. Hence Chloe was hated with a vehemence at home or among her friends. When the air got suffocating due to the tense situation, Autumn decided to take matters into hand and put a facade over her feelings. She pursued her studies and took active participation in organising study sessions among her classmates. She single handedly pulled the entire class through rigorous revision sessions and her faculty teachers were very happy to see and supported her effort. Autumn could still feel the watchful eyes of Charles, Nila and Alan upon her but soon they relaxed seeing Autumn fully immersed in studies.
Even though Autumn was not proficient in literature, she could relate to some poetry and further she relied on Mariya , another classmate who was a poet in making or Nila. But calculus, statistics and computer science, she excelled in and was always willing to help clear the doubts. That was her forte. When they friends and her dad found Autumn immersed herself in studies, they decided she is over Ryan and the tension in the air began to dissipate when ever Autumn came near them.
First few week she was angry at every thing. At Chloe for forcing a break between them, at Charles and Nila for not giving her a last chance to talk to Ryan, at Ryan for not insisting to meet her at least to say a good bye. Am I that easy to replace? Did he even feel a bit of remorse for breaking off? She was angry at her hair for it received most of Ryan's caresses. After two days, the pain was so unbearable, she went and cut off her hair to chin length and coloured it blonde. She shrugged off the looks she received from others.
Then came the depression part, she tried to grab on to any memory of Ryan like an addict looking for a fix. One day, Nila found Autumn in tears, leaning on the outer wall of the library in the secluded side of the campus. Another day, her friends found her with her forehead touching the plum blossom tree. Now when she think about it, Autumn is not sure if Ryan really was going to kiss her or simply teasing her.
One day Ryan cornered her near the blossom tree. He leaned in to smell her (or kiss her on her neck she hoped). Her dreams at night became very colourful after that. She anticipated kissing Ryan for the first time and dreamt about several more. After a particular "very colourful" dream, the next day Autumn couldn't meet Ryan's eyes. She tried to move away from him, when he came in to meet them. He cornered Autumn near the library wall and pulled her to the secluded side.
"What is wrong Autumn? Why do I get a feeling that you are avoiding me? Is it because of the instance near the plum tree?" Autumn blushed to the beautiful shade of pink but still couldn't meet his eyes. Ryan lifted her chin using his index finger. " Did I cross the boundary? Speak to me Autumn, don't avoid me so. ". Autumn looked into his eyes and dropped her gaze to his lips. Her body was humming in anticipation. She bit her lower lip and Ryan's focus shifted to her lips too. Ryan leaned in to her and found her lifting her face up expecting a kiss. Ryan closed in the distance between them and his breath fell on her lips and she parted them in anticipation. Just as Ryan was about to give her the first kiss, they heard footsteps and murmering from someone approaching them. Ryan quickly pulled out and the moment was gone. But as their audience vanished from the eye sight, Ryan captured her face with his hands in her hair and kissed her forehead. and eyes.. and both cheeks. His breath caressed her lips but still he didn't kiss her on the lips. She breathed out his name and he gave a short chuckle and kissed the corner of her lips. "The smell and colours of Autumn reminds me of you. I always wondered how you taste like." The looks he gave her burned her from inside. He caressed her cheek and left immediately.
Now the smell and colour of Autumn reminds her of the beautiful smile and the naughty look which Ryan gave exclusively for her. After all, whom you love is your prerogation right? Whether that love is reciprocated or not , it's not something which you can control. Those moments were beautifully folded in auburn velvet inside her heart. For Autumn thought, auburn or rather her hair colour was indeed Ryan's favourite.
By the time she did her University course in IT , she secretly followed Ryan's activities online or through magazines. Slowly she realised, her friend Chloe actually did her a favour but putting a full stop to more moments and memories made with Ryan. She felt hurt to see Ryan with different beautiful woman adorning his arm for each public events and charities. He still sported thatsmug smile which made her fall heads over heals with. By the time she completed her University course in IT and started an internship, she was over those infactuation. Or rather she thought so.
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