Capítulo 2426: MY BROTHER BROKE ME
My instincts kicked in. I reacted in the moment and there was nothing I could do. That's what caused all the trouble.
I was laying back on my bed, watching a video on my phone, when there was a knock on the door.
"Hey Cassidy, can I come in?" It was my brother, Gavin. He'd come home for summer break a few days before and I was still getting used to having him back around the house.
"Just a second," I yelled through the door.
I snapped on my shorts, put my iPhone aside, and grabbed my purity ring off my nightstand. I loved having that ring, loved what it stood for: my promise to myself, my future husband, and God. But I'd only gotten it four months before, for my eighteenth birthday, and it still felt strange to have it on my finger all the time. Especially when I was, ummmm, relaxing in bed.
After I got up, I quickly glanced at myself in the mirror. I tucked my honey blonde hair behind my ear and made sure my pale face wasn't too flushed. Once I was sure I was all put together, I went over and opened the door.
My brother was standing on the other side, waiting patiently. He was so tall my head only came up to his chest. His normally bright green eyes were dull, and his cheeks were red. He looked like he'd been crying.
"What's up?" I asked, but Gavin only sighed and asked if I had time to talk.
I let him into my room and we both sat on the bed. My brother was dressed like he was heading out for a job interview in a forest green polo shirt and khaki slacks. It made my casual, lying around the house outfit of denim shorts and a pink tank top feel out of place.
I assumed, as soon as we sat, that's Gavin's story would spill out. After all, we were used to confiding in each other. Even though my brother was twenty and in college and I was eighteen and a senior in high school, we'd kept a close relationship that went beyond mere friendship to something far more powerful.
But Gavin didn't say a word. He just sat there, silent, staring down at his hands as if he was hoping the words would flow out of his fingers. I looked up at Gavin and smiled, trying to get him to feel comfortable.
My brother had been thin as a rail growing up but, sitting on my bed, I could see how well he'd filled out. Broad shoulders, muscular arms, and thick calves. He'd let his brown hair grow out till it was the right amount of rebellious. Yes, my big brother looked good and it made me proud of him. I could only hope that college would do similar things for my gawky, geeky frame in a few months.
Finally, I got tired of waiting. As much as I loved my brother, I needed to get back to my life.
"It's OK," I said, "Whatever you have to say, I'm here."
"Kelly broke up with me," he said. His face cracked and he started to cry.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry," I pulled my brother close and held him tight. I felt like a garden gnome comforting an oak tree, but I squeezed him as hard as I could.
"We were supposed to get lunch," Gavin said. That explained his outfit. He'd been out on a date. "I hadn't seen her since the holidays. I mean, we talked but. Anyway, I was so excited. But when she got to Villapiano's, she wouldn't even sit down. She just came right out and said it."
"Did she say why?" I asked.
"She says she met someone," my brother said. His voice was muffled as he buried his head in my shoulder. "She says it's true love. I thought we were true love."
"I know," I said, rubbing his back. "I'm so sorry." I wish I could tell you I knew something was up. That I hated Kelly from the moment I met her or something like that. In truth, I was equally as shocked and surprised by this news as my brother. I truly believed that I had a Disney fairy tale going on in my own house. That Kelly was going to be my sister forever. I guess I was naive. That realization was going to be coming up a lot the next few days.
"She totally unloaded on me right there in the restaurant," Gavin said, "All this mean stuff about how she never loved me. That I'm a big, dumb loser who's terrible in bed."
"Oh my God, that's awful!" I said. I sat there and let my brother sob on me. I felt his tears soak through my tank top, but I didn't move. "I don't care what's going on, she can't say things like that."
Gavin didn't share my convictions about sex before marriage, obviously. It's different for boys, anyway. He and Kelly, I knew, had been sexually active since high school. I didn't judge my brother for that. I thought it was sweet. He and Kelly were meant to be together, after all. Only now that turned out to not be true. Again, I felt so happy to have made my promise to stay pure. Sex could only cause problems. I was sure of it.
Gavin stiffened and straightened. He pulled away from me and sat by the edge of the bed. His eyes were red from crying. "I'm sorry, Cass. I wasn't planning on falling apart like this."
"Don't worry about it," I said, "I'm glad I can be here for you."
"I thought Kelly and I were going to be forever, you know? Not that there weren't signs, I mean. She stopped FaceTiming me and ghosted my texts. I thought she was busy with school. I should have seen it coming."
"You can't blame yourself," I said, "Even if you noticed, what could you have changed?"
"Right, I'd still be gangly, goofy me," Gavin said.
"What? No!"
"I know what I am," Gavin said, gesturing at his body, "Kelly said it was like dating Hodor or whatever. I'm so angular and odd."
"That's not true," I said, "Kelly's just justifying her lousy behavior. You'll get another girl in no time, bro."
Gavin blew the air out of his mouth. "I'll never find someone as good as Kelly. I mean, the only way I got together with her in the first place was she came up to me. That's never going to happen again."
"Seriously, Gavin," I said. I reached across the bed and wrapped his hand in both of mine. "I know it's hard for you to see right now, but you're a catch. You'll have a new girlfriend in no time. But Kelly? She's going to regret this for the rest of her life."
"Whatever," Gavin said.
"No, I mean it," I said, "You're handsome, and smart. Caring and kind. Any girl would be lucky to be with you."
"You think so?" Gavin asked. "Or are you saying that cause you're my sister?"
"Both," I said. "You're a good guy. And, yeah, you're attractive, OK? You have a cute face and a great body. Just, like, don't tell anyone I said that."
Gavin stared down at the bed. A grin crept across his face. "Thanks, Cass."
"It's going to be fine. I promise," I said. I lightly stroked my brother's hand.
Gavin's head popped up. Our eyes met. Gavin got a strange look on his face. Suddenly, he leapt forward.
And my instincts kicked in.
I jumped back, but I ran out of bed. The hardwood floor flew up at me. Reflexively, my right hand shot out to stop my fall. I didn't feel it at first, but I heard it. A loud CRUNCH! that sounded like someone stepping on a walnut. Then the pain rushed in, like nothing I'd ever felt.
I screamed.
*
Six hours later, I came home from the hospital with a bulky cast on my wrist, a bag of half-melted ice, and a prescription for Percocet. I'd broken a small bone in my wrist, nothing serious, but it hurt like heck.
Gavin opened the front door for me and helped me collapse onto the couch. He'd been acting like a gentleman the entire time -- getting doors, doing whatever I asked, and constantly questioning if I was OK. As if he knew that this whole thing was his fault.
"I'll make dinner," he said, and walked off to the kitchen. "You should probably call Mom and Dad and tell them what happened."
Our parents were travelling through Italy for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. They'd left for the trip just a couple days before and wouldn't be back for a month. That was one of the reasons Gavin was back at the house -- so I wouldn't be alone all summer.
I worried that if I told Mom and Dad what happened, they'd cut their trip short. Both my parents worked very hard and I wanted them to be able to enjoy their vacation. I thought about the time difference and realized that even if I did call them, I'd almost certainly be waking them up. I decided to wait till the morning. Besides, I was wiped.
Gavin brought me a PB&J. That doesn't sound like much, but it was my favorite comfort food and he knew it. He'd made one for himself and we sat on the couch and ate. I tried to keep the grape jelly from squeezing onto my shirt, but it wasn't easy. Eating left-handed was such a challenge, I could only imagine how hard everything else was going to be.
"Are you OK?" Gavin asked me for, like, the hundredth time. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, you can build a time machine and stop yourself from pushing me off the bed," I said. I was still moody from the throbbing in my wrist and the lost day at the ER. I'd have snapped at a baby seal if it was in the living room with me.
"I didn't push you off the bed, Cassidy," Gavin said, seriously.
"Well you may as well have," I said, "What were you doing leaning in like that, anyway? It's like you were going to kiss me or something."
"I was not!" Gavin said.
"That's it, wasn't it? You were going to kiss your sister, you big perv."
"Come on, Cass. You know that's not true. I just moved a little bit and you leapt off the bed like I was a rabid badger."
"Whatever," I said, "We both know what happened."
"You want anything else to eat?" Gavin asked. He was still being obsequious but there was an edge to his words that hadn't been there before. For a moment, I spared him some sympathy. I was having a bad day, but Gavin had to be enduring one of the worst of his life.
"I'm OK," I said, after taking a deep breath, "I'm just tired. After everything that happened, I need to crash."
"Anything I can do for you?" Gavin asked. He might as well've had that phrase recorded for all the times he said it. And yet, I got the feeling he really would build me that time machine if I told him to. My brother was a good guy, I knew.
I got up and kissed him on the forehead. "No, I'm OK," I said. "I know today's been awful with Kelly and the hospital and... Well, thank you for everything today. Except the trying to kiss me part." OK, I couldn't help twisting the knife. I mean, I am his little sister after all.
"I wasn't trying to," Gavin sighed, exasperated. "You're welcome. I'm sorry today has sucked for you, too."
I loped up the stairs. They'd given me some serious pain meds at the hospital, and I was loopier than I thought. Just getting to my bedroom felt like an adventure. I fell onto my bed and stared dumbly up at the ceiling.
I was still in my tank top and shorts and it was uncomfortable to try to sleep that way. I started to get undressed, then realized it was going to be way harder without my right hand. I'm very much a righty and using only my left felt like using one of those dinosaur head claws you see at cheap tourist traps off the highway. I managed to get my shirt off, but I couldn't unbutton my shorts. It was so frustrating, and my wrist was throbbing again, and...
"Gavin!" I yelled out without really thinking about it.
Gavin ran into the room like he thought it was on fire. He froze as he saw me lying topless on the bed. His eyes lingered a second too long. Not that there was much to see. I have tiny breasts with tight, taut pink nipples. But my brother stared like I was that redheaded woman from Mad Men. Finally, he covered his face with his hand.
"Sorry, sis," Gavin said, "I didn't realize you were, um, you know."
"I want to get into pjs but it's too hard," I said. I knew I was acting like a child, but I didn't care. The pain and the drugs had me feeling like an invalid.
"Sure thing," Gavin said. He sounded happy to have something to do. He went to my dresser and pulled out a pair of mesh shorts and one of his old t-shirts that I'd commandeered for pajamas a few years ago.
"Bra?" he asked. I shook my head. If I was going church or if there was something formal, then sure. I had a bunch of sports bras for when I worked out. But mostly I let my little boobs hang free. There was barely anything there, so what was the point?
"Panties?" Gavin asked. I guess I didn't think very hard about what was about to happen, because I told Gavin to go for it. I blame the drugs.
He found a cute pair of white underwear with flamingoes all over them. Gavin came back over to the bed and sat down, tentatively. Then he took a deep breath, like psyching himself up. I wondered what the big deal was. Then I realized.
My brother reached up and unsnapped my shorts. My breath caught.
One boy, Jimmy Davis from down the street, had seen me with my shirt off. We'd been an item for a couple weeks and ended up making out in the backseat of his car behind the Wawa. This was pre-purity ring, but I already had the intention. Still, kissing was OK and maybe a couple other things if I was careful.
Jimmy got my shirt off and I was really super excited for what would come next. Then he looked at my little boobs like they were a turd-flavored cheesecake: something that was supposed to be awesome, somehow turned terrible. Suffice to say, Jimmy and I stopped being an item after that. Believe me, it was mutual.
All of this is the long way around of saying that no boy had ever seen my naked you-know-what. Even my gynecologist was a woman. And the first man to see it was going to be my brother. I went from kind of out of it to very focused in about a half a second. As if I wasn't already feeling trapped in my bed.
Gavin pulled my shorts down with ease. Not surprising -- I don't have hips or a butt either. Now I was completely naked in front of my brother. A thick bush of blonde, curly hair was the only thing between his eyes and my bare down there. I was actually very hairy. I guess I figured if I wasn't intending on using my vagina, I didn't need to do much about it, either. Now that I was so exposed, though, I regretted not taking a razor to at least some of the outlying areas.
"Cassidy," Gavin said, and his voice came out all choked and throaty. He was holding up the panties. I nodded. Gavin slipped them up my legs. I lifted my little butt to let him finish the job. Then he did my shorts. Finally, I sat up and raised my arms so my brother could put my shirt on for me. He was very chaste, very respectful, but it still felt so dirty and wrong.
"Thanks," I said, meaning it.
"I know this sucks, but I'll do whatever I can to help," he said. He voice sounded throttled but his words were sincere.
"You better," I said, "since you're the one who tried to kiss me."
"I didn't try to kiss you!" Gavin shouted. He stormed out of my bedroom and slammed the door.
*
The reality rushed back into me as soon as I woke up the next morning. My wrist was in a cast because I'd broken it because I'd fallen off the bed because... Well because I had.
I got up, started to watch a video on my phone, then put it down again. Usually I'd have a slow morning and laze in bed. But I was feeling icky, my covers felt heavy and gross, and knew I needed a shower.
I went across the hall to the bathroom. I could hear my brother downstairs in the kitchen, but I didn't want to bother him. I needed to start doing things for myself. I got undressed, turned on the shower and realized I had another problem. So much for my burgeoning independence.
I opened the door to the bathroom and yelled for Gavin
"Almost done making you breakfast," he said.
"I need help," I said. My brother lumbered upstairs and opened the bathroom door. I was naked again, stupid me, and Gavin kept eyeing all the parts he wasn't supposed to. My tiny breasts and hairy sex. "Sorry," I said. I crossed my legs and folded my arms over my chest. I didn't feel like a sexy creature. Just a creature.
"It's fine. You're my sister. It's not a big deal," Gavin said, his voice trembling again, "I'll cover your cast." He came back with a roll of saran wrap and ran it around my covered forearm, securing the plastic with a bunch of rubber bands. Once I was waterproofed, Gavin fled from the bathroom.
I stepped under the hot water. It felt weird to have my cast-covered arm in there, but the relief from the rest of my body made up for it. I shampooed and soaped as best I could. It was clumsy, but I did OK. I had one thing left to do.
And that's when I stopped
See, there's one thing I haven't told you about myself: I masturbate. OK, I know, big revelation. Massive, twenty-four-point, full masthead headline in the Inquirer: Teenaged Girl Pleasures Self. Also, I breathe oxygen and require nutrients. I'm full of surprises.
But here's the thing. I do it, like, a lot. Too much, probably. Like it was something I was legit worried about at the time. Though that hadn't stopped me from flicking the bean at least three times a day and sometimes way more.
I couldn't escape my uncontrollable urges. I know it's 'wrong,' but I figured, given the choice, God would rather me simulate the experience of sex than go out and actually have some. So, in that way, I was doing Him a favor. Right?
I had a whole routine. Wake up, rub one out. Then another in the afternoon followed by one more before bed. I had good days and bad -- I hit a sixer one particularly troubling time -- but mostly it was two or three times a day.
That morning in the shower would have been one of my times. And I would have done it the night before, too. In fact, what I didn't say before was, when Gavin came into my room and told me about his breakup? That's what I had been doing. In fact, I'd worked myself into a pretty good lather when he knocked on the door and...
So, I was pretty worked up is what I'm saying. And my body was expecting its usual dopamine rush. I touched myself with my left hand -- an exploratory feel. My vagina jumped like it was plugged in. I couldn't remember ever being so sensitive. So aroused. But I could tell that my useless left hand wasn't going to get me there. I rubbed my legs together, took a deep breath, and made myself turn off the shower.
I was supposed to wear the cast for at least eight weeks. There was no way I would last that long. I was going to need to find an alternative option. I didn't own any, you know, toys or anything like that. I started to formulate a plan to steal a zucchini from the fridge when my brother wasn't looking. But of course, that would also require me requesting he purchase one at the Genuardi's and I wasn't sure how I could explain that to him
No, my aching need was going to have to be a problem for another time. I wrapped myself in a towel and left the bathroom. As I went, I twisted my purity ring around my finger, like reminding myself of the rules.
I got dressed and went downstairs. My brother had made pancakes and he put them out for me as soon as I sat down. He kept eyeing me as he did it, like he could still see what was under my clothes.
It's weird, but I was kind of flattered? I'm cute, I guess, in a girl-next-door kind of way. Boys ask me out and stuff -- I'm not a troll. But I wasn't used to being seen in a sexy way and that's a very different experience. Sure, Gavin was my brother. But he was cute. An attractive guy was checking me out, and like I said I was already pretty worked up, so it turned everything up a notch. Sibling issues aside.
After breakfast, I FaceTimed my parents and gave them the bad news. As I expected, they offered to come home. I could tell they didn't want to do it, though, and I convinced them that Gavin had it under control."Whatever you need, make sure Gavin takes care of it," my Dad said, "Don't be shy. He's your brother, that's what he's there for."
I doubted that my brother was there for some of my more pressing needs, but I got the point. I told my parents I loved them and then let them go.
After I spoke to my parents, I figured I should get it all over with at once and one-handedly texted my friends to let them know what had happened. Most just sent the usual emojis and standard 'sorries.' It was another reminder that high school was over and most of us were already moving on. But my closest friend, Lilah, proved why I thought of her that way, and immediately jumped in her car to come over.
A few minutes later, Gavin answered the door and Lilah flounced in. My bestie is a bit taller than me and way curvier. She has brown hair that she wore down to almost her backside. She was wearing a cute pink top with capri pants.
But I didn't notice any of that.
Instead I was caught by her left hand. And what wasn't on her finger.
Lilah and I had gotten our purity rings at the same time. She was one of the reasons why I'd chosen to do it, actually. We'd talked about it a lot, how we wanted to be good God-fearing girls who waited for our husbands and how that would make everything more meaningful.
Only Lilah wasn't wearing her purity ring anymore.
Quickly, I grabbed Lilah's unringed hand with my uncasted one and dragged her up to my bedroom. She gave Gavin a clumsy wave as I pulled her up the stairs.
"What happened?" I asked as soon as my bedroom door was shut. Lilah sat down on my bed, carefully, like she was afraid it might explode under her.
"Your brother got super cute," Lilah said. But I wouldn't let her change the subject, so I asked her again what had happened to her.
"I think I'm supposed to be asking you that," Lilah said, still trying to escape my interrogation. I was standing over her and it felt weird, but I was too shocked to sit down.
"I fell off the bed," I said, "I don't think you did that by falling off a bed, did you?"
"Actually, I kind of fell into one?" Lilah said with a giggle. And then she told me.
Apparently, Lilah had met some boy while working at Catholic day camp. They'd had this adorable (her word) meet cute after some poor nine-year-old had gotten a bloody nose on the ropes course. They'd met a mere three days before, but Lilah was already sure he was the one.
"You just know, you know?" Lilah said with an overdramatic sigh. This new boy -- John or Jim or Jake or something like that -- had stolen her heart. And her purity ring, as well.
"How was it?" I asked.
"It was OK," Lilah said, not meeting my eyes.
With that kind of effusive endorsement, I figured I could probably keep the purity ring on my finger.
*
Gavin and I spent the next few days like a resigned, old married couple. He cooked and cleaned, we binged on Netflix shows, and loafed around the house. Gavin was down about his ex-girlfriend. I was upset about my wrist and what I'd come to think of as my best friend's betrayal. Neither of us were in the mood for anything except sleep. We barely even talked. Instead, we slipped into an easy, shared depression like it was a deep, dark jacuzzi filled with warm, bubbling tears.
Meanwhile, the ticking time bomb between my legs moved ever closer to explosion. Remember, I was used to three times a day at minimum. Now, I'd gone nearly a week without even touching myself. I was primed, on edge, and searching zucchini recipes like crazy.
Finally, on a Saturday morning, Gavin burst through my bedroom door, threw open my curtains, and dragged me out of bed.
"We're going on an adventure," my brother announced. While I still wasn't capable of certain things with my left hand, I'd managed to at least learn to dress myself. Looking out the window, it seemed like a sunny day, so I put on dark shorts and a lime green t-shirt, then met my brother downstairs.
Gavin was dressed much like he had for his 'date' with Kelly: a red polo shirt and a pair of khaki slacks. He looked really good and it made me feel ratty by comparison.
"Are we going on a date?" I asked him, still in little sister mode.
"We're getting out of this rut," Gavin replied.
I wanted to get breakfast, but my brother refused to let me have anything more than a paltry granola bar.
"Trust me, you're going to want to save room," Gavin said.
We walked downtown to pick up the trolley into Philly. We found a bench near the back of the car and watched as the little towns rolled by. I'd been mistaken before, looking out my bedroom window. It wasn't sunny. It was flat out gorgeous. One of the best days of the year. Warm and wonderful in a way that made just sitting outside feel like the best thing in the world.
Gavin shared a smile with me. He looked so handsome in the dappled sunlight. I reached up and tousled his brown hair.
"Thanks," I said, "For dragging me out."
"Oh, this is just the start," Gavin said.
"Why does that worry me?" I asked, playfully.
"You need this," Gavin said, "We need this. I'll admit, I've been an awful brother. This is the least I can do."
"You were with her for nearly five years," I said, knowing better than to say the K-word. "You're not going to get over her in five days. I understand"
"What about you?" Gavin said, "I know you're upset about your wrist, but this seems like something more."
I didn't want to admit it, but my brother was right. My wrist was annoying, sure, but it didn't really hurt anymore. Instead it was all the things around that moment that had sent me tumbling.
I had been so convinced, at age 18, that I understood relationships. But what was love if my brother and Kelly could split in seconds and my best friend could throw away everything after three dumb days?
I twisted the purity ring on my finger, once again. That promise I'd been so sure of seemed vacant in the context of everything I had seen. My virginity was supposed to be my gift to the love of my life. But the last week had shown me I had no idea how to ever identify that person or, even if I did, to know that he would always feel the same way about me.
The question burbled up so quickly, even I was surprised when it popped out.
"Do you like sex?" I asked my brother.
Gavin choked and his face turned the most adorable shade of pink. He glanced around the trolley car, but it was still early and so mostly empty. I doubted the elderly gentleman in the front of the car or the overdressed family in the back were paying any attention to us.
"Sex," I said, "You and Kelly did it, right? What was it like?"
"I don't know if I should be talking about this with you," Gavin said. I couldn't tell if he meant the sibling thing, or the chastity thing, or just the couples' privacy thing. Probably all three.
"Lilah gave up her purity ring," I said, "She met some guy at camp, and I guess they, I don't know. It got me thinking, that's all."
"Oh, that makes sense," Gavin said, "Look, just because your friend broke her promise doesn't mean yours is any less important. It's something for yourself, you know? Not other people."
"But you didn't wait," I said.
"No," Gavin said, "I didn't."
"And you don't regret it," I said.
Gavin surprised me by letting out a long, drawn out sigh. "Maybe?" he said. I couldn't have been more shocked if he'd admitted he was selling illegally acquired, endangered turtles out of our garage.
Like I said, Gavin and I confided in each other a lot. Especially when we were both living at home. He'd told me, straight out, when he and Kelly did it for the first time. The way he described it, as this beautiful thing that they'd shared, it totally changed my perspective on sex.
Gavin must have seen the look on my face because he immediately began to backpedal. "Look, Cass, I'm not saying that it was bad. Sex with Kelly was amazing. Truly. Looking back, though? I wish my first time had happened with someone else. Like, someone I could trust. Someone I loved and who loved me back. For real."
"How do you know, though?" I asked, "You thought Kelly was your soulmate. I'm sure Lilah and her guy think they have something special."
"I don't think you ever really do," Gavin said. He smiled in a way that looked more like a frown. "You just have to do your best and know that you'll probably screw it up."
"Literally in this case," I said. We both laughed.
We changed trains and took the subway into downtown. Growing up, Philly had been the scary bad place with all the crime that my parents forbade me to go to without them, a full security escort, a bulletproof body suit, and support from the 101st Airborne. But my brother had been going to Temple for two years now without suffering so much as a splinter, so I assumed I was in good hands.
We got off the train and took the escalator up to street level. My stomach grumbled embarrassingly loudly.
"Almost there," Gavin said.
The city was surprisingly quiet. Almost sleepy. There were enough people walking around so that it didn't feel creepy, but it added to the otherworldly feel of the day. We walked down a few blocks, then Gavin pushed open what seemed like a random glass door and brought me inside.
I recognized the place immediately. We were at Reading Terminal Market. My parents had taken us there as kids, but all I remembered of it was the endless bustle and shoving of an overcrowded, aggressive place where everything was too large for a little girl.
Now, though, as an adult, I saw that my brother had brought me to an almost infinite wonderland of deliciousness. We walked up and down the alleys of the market; each stall more tantalizing than the last. This was like a mall food court it had been built in heaven. It was a fantasy world of every cuisine I'd ever heard of. And everything looked and smelled amazing.
"What do you want?" Gavin asked. He could have asked me to explain advanced calculus in French and it would have been easier for me. Everything looked so good.
Eventually, I 'settled' on a roast pork sandwich with provolone and broccoli rabe from DiNic's. My brother surprised me by getting a simple turkey sandwich from a few stalls down. As soon as we found a table though, and Gavin let me have a bite, I realized why he'd done it. The sandwich was so beyond what I thought a turkey sandwich could be. One little taste of this and I was ruined for deli meat forever.
Gavin beamed, knowing that he'd done this to me, then took back his lunch. Not that what I had was anything to complain about. My own sandwich was salty, tangy and good. Just not that.
We sat in uncomfortable seats at long, plastic tables, as the rapidly-filling market bumped against our backs. We felt like the kings of the world. There was only one thing that I needed for this to be perfect.
"Gavin?" I asked, sweet as pie, "I kind of want your sandwich?"
"You what?" Gavin asked.
"I want it," I said, "It was really good."
"But you have your own," Gavin said.
"I know, but yours is better," I said.
"So you want to take mine," he said.
"Switch," I said.
"Share," Gavin said.
"Yes."
"Halfsies?" Gavin said.
I sighed, as if he'd made a horribly impertinent request. "Fine," I said.
We passed each other our meals. That first bite, I knew I'd made the right choice.
"Worth the journey?" Gavin asked, a knowing smile on his face. All I could do was nod.
As we ate together, grinning stupidly at each other across our table, I realized that we were on a date. Not an actual date, of course, but something that was essentially date-like in all the ways that defined one.
My brother paid for my meal and pulled out my chair. He pointed things out and we had pleasant conversation. This was nice. Really nice. And once again, I wondered to myself what the hell Kelly was looking for if it wasn't my funny, handsome, charming brother?
After lunch, Gavin lead me through Philadelphia like he was giving me a tour of his home. Which, since he went to school there, he kind of was. He showed me where Thomas Jefferson had written the Declaration of Independence and where Ben Franklin's mistress had lived. Then we went over to Franklin Fountain and shared a massive hot fudge sundae.
Throughout, for the first time since it happened, I totally forgot about my stupid wrist. I just went through my day with my brother and enjoyed it thoroughly. Gavin even held my hand at one point, swinging our arms like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Eventually, though, the stress of our day took over and we limped back to the train station. When we got on the trolley, I gave the conductor my ticket and he noticed my cast.
"How'd you do that?" he asked. He was an older gentleman with a white, push broom mustache and a friendly smile, "Fighting off wild animals?"
"Sort of," I said, with a naughty grin, "My brother tried to kiss me, and I broke my wrist trying to escape."
"I did not!" Gavin said, "That didn't happen, I swear."
The conductor laughed and turned away.
We found an open bench near the back and sat down. As we settled into the long ride home, I settled into my brother. He wrapped his arm around me, possessive, and slowly stroked my golden hair.
"Seriously, if you keep telling people I tried to kiss you, someone's going to believe you," Gavin said. "And then we'll both be in real trouble."
"It's just teasing," I said, mollifying my brother, "I know you're not some incest-crazed sex monster. In fact, I think you're kind of awesome. Someone is going to be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend. I don't know who she is, but I'm already jealous."
Gavin nodded, but I saw the sadness pass over his face. I guess, like with my wrist, my brother had spent the whole day not thinking about his ex-girlfriend. And then, thoughtless me, I brought it back to his mind. I leaned up and kissed my brother on the cheek. Like a peace offering.
For a moment, our eyes met. Gavin's eyes were the most remarkable shade of green. Intoxicating. I knew mine were a flat, pale blue, so light they were almost gray. Just like me, there was nothing to see. But Gavin looked at me like the map to a long lost treasure was written in there.
Quickly, he turned away. He took his arm off me and his body went stiff. For a moment, I worried that I'd made a terrible mistake.
"I had fun," I said, surprised at how plaintive I sounded.
"Today was amazing," Gavin said, but he kept his attention out the window.
When we got home, I went straight up to my bedroom. Gavin called after me, but I ignored him. I was exhausted from the day. My wrist was aching. I couldn't understand how I'd ruined our perfect day out, but I knew that I had, and I couldn't face it anymore. I climbed into bed, on top of my covers, and closed my eyes.
But sleep would not show up. All I could think about was the other thing I'd managed to ignore all day. As if it had been waiting for me all this time, camouflaged, here in my bedroom. Pounding, insistent. Like a hunger but so much more encompassing. And worse, I knew I had no way to feed it.
Instinctively, I took out my phone and found my favorite site. I tried, dammit, I really did. But despite my endless need I was helpless with my left hand. Desperately, I looked around my room for something I could use to get relief. Ridiculous ideas occurred to me, but nothing that I could actually act on.
Then, as if my mind was truly determined to torture me, I thought about Gavin. I don't know why those two things (sex, my brother) came up together at once, but now I could think of nothing else. I lay back, panting, trying to think of anything else.
Our date that day had been so incredible. I know it sounds silly, but it was more than the adventure in the city. The food. The sights. It was being with my brother. The way he half-smiled every time he looked my way. The strength of his arms as he gave me a hug. His buoyant laugh and his caring whispers.
I was at this weird, overemotional crossroads. My body was fixated on getting relief. My brain couldn't stop thinking about my brother. The two things collided and suddenly I couldn't separate one from the other. Even though it made as much sense as mixing ground beef with whipped cream.
I lay back, wracked with this awful mixture of arousal, obsession, and guilt. And then I heard a knock on my door.
"Can we talk?" Gavin asked.
Oh God.
"What's up?" I asked, quickly pulling my outfit back together. Seriously, I knew the Lord likes to test us, but this was like a pop quiz on particle physics at 3am that would determine my grade for life.
Gavin popped his head into my room right as I got my shorts snapped.
"Are we OK?" Gavin asked.
I got up and sat on the edge of the bed. Gavin sat down across from me. I couldn't escape the fact that we were in roughly the same positions as we'd been before when he'd... When I'd... Before I broke my wrist.
"I could ask you the same thing," I said.
"Sorry," Gavin said, "You mentioned Kelly and I went into a spiral. That's my fault."
I fought the urge to point out that, actually, I hadn't mentioned his ex at all. That, in fact, I'd only pointed out that my brother was a great catch. But that opened up a whole other line of inquiry, so I let it go.
"It's OK to be sad," I said, "Normal. But you shouldn't let her get to you. You can do so much better. I promise." Was I thinking about myself in that moment? ...Maybe? Like, I knew that was silly, impossible, but the combination of chemicals in my brain was causing all kinds of crazy side effects. I was exhausted-naturally high-aroused. You know what I mean?
"What about you?" Gavin asked. "How's your wrist?"
"Fine," I said. The throbbing had finally stopped, thankfully. "I'm just thinking about stuff."
"What kind of stuff?" Gavin asked.
Look, I was far gone, but I still wasn't going to say that to my brother. Instead I pursed my lips.
"Look, I know that everything the last few days has been hard on you," Gavin said, "But I'd hate to think that what happened with me and Kelly would shake your faith. If anything, it makes me even more sure that you're doing the right thing. Waiting, I mean."
"It's not just you," I said. "Lilah and I both got our promise rings at the same time. If anything, I thought she was more devout than I was. Then she meets a boy and BAM it's gone."
"Never doubt the power of young love," Gavin said.
"In three days? Yeah, right," I said, "More like, 'never doubt the power of young hormones.'"
"So, you're saying..."
"I think she got horny and found a boy to solve that with," I said. My brother turned red when I used the word 'horny.' It was kind of adorable.
"Everybody gets, um, aroused," Gavin said, "But plenty of people don't act on it."
"Exactly," I said, "So that's what I was doing. Thinking of ways I could, you know, not act on things. Keep my promise to God and all that."
"And not be, um, horny?" Gavin said. Oh, he was so scarlet now they could have strung him above the street to stop traffic.
"Right," I said, "And usually, I have a solution for that. Only right now I can't."
"Can't be horny?"
"Can't not be horny," I said. I lifted up my cast as evidence.
"Oh," Gavin said. I could literally watch the realization creep across his face as it dawned on him. "OH!"
"Right," I said.
I should have been terrified to tell my brother this. Should have been doing anything I could, cobbling whatever lie I could concoct. But there was something so natural about sitting on my bed and telling this boy who I trusted so much about what I was going through. The words spilled out lightly, like they weighed next to nothing
I guess I'd reached my drowning point. The water was over my head and my brother happened to be floating by. I'd have grabbed for anything in that moment, I told myself. The problem was, I knew that wasn't true. My stupid brain was stirring things up and the more I looked at the mixture the more I liked it.
Well, I mean, it's only been a few days," Gavin said, "I'm sure that, when the urge actually arrives, by then you'll have an idea of how to deal with it."
I shook my head.
"You already have the urge?"
"Had," I said, "Continue to have. Like, a lot."
"And you don't have a solution?"
"Actually, I do," I said. I reached over and took his hand in mine.
Gavin's eyes slowly grew wider. His mouth gaped open at the same speed. Like there was a string on the back of his head and someone was slowly pulling on it.
"Cassidy..."
"Don't," I said, "Don't do it. Don't judge me. Whatever happened in my bedroom last week, you have to admit it was at least partially your fault. And then everything else with this week and what's happened and today."
"Today?" Gavin asked, like he was legitimately perplexed.
"You know what I mean," I said, "Taking me out for that awesome time, being all boyfriend-y. You knew what you were doing."
Gavin didn't say anything. Stared down at the bedspread. But he nodded, solemnly.
"Right. So, you don't get to sit there and give me the 'but we're siblings' speech or the 'I don't think you should do that' speech. Give me the other one. The 'good brother' speech where you understand what I'm going through and how much courage it takes to say all these things out loud and then help me."
Gavin looked up and caught my eye. We looked at each other, shocked. Both of us equally surprised I'd spoken those words. It felt like I'd opened my mouth and some other voice had spoken it for me. But I couldn't deny the truth of what I'd said.
Gavin swallowed like his saliva was made of sand. And then, once again, my hero of a brother strode forward.
"Yes, Cassidy, I'd love to help you," Gavin said, his conviction almost overpowering. "I'm honored that you're letting me be here for you." He smiled. Not in a cruel way or even desirous. Just friendly and warm. Wonderful.
I felt myself taken up by it. Carried away. I realized that it wasn't my brain that was doing all this to me -- making the concepts 'brother' and 'sex' wrap around each other like desperate lovers. It was my heart. My breath caught. My body stilled.
And then my brother reached for the waistband of my shorts.
Just like that first night when he'd undressed me, I gasped as Gavin grabbed at my buttons. Felt ticklish in my tummy. My older brother unsnapped my shorts and pulled them off my legs. Underwear and all. I was bottomless. Bare. Again, I wished I'd had the foresight to shave my hairy slit.
"It's not too bad, right?" I asked, so vulnerable I could scream. "I mean, down there?"
"It's very nice," Gavin said. "I mean, I've only seen a few others. OK one. Except on the Internet. But that doesn't count..."
"Gav," I said, warning.
"Right. Yours is definitely the nicest I've ever seen. Very cute and tidy."
"Except for all the, you know, the fur," I said.
"I like the fur," he said, "I think it's hot. You know, for a sister's... Anyway. I'm going to stop talking now."
"It's OK," I said, "I like you talking."
I was just getting used to the idea that my brother had been the first boy to ever see my secret spot, when suddenly my brother became the first boy to touch my secret spot. He put his hand, gently, on my pubis. Not even on my sex, itself. I gasped like I'd been burned.
"You OK?" Gavin asked.
"Yeah," I said, "Yes." Then the thought, strange and unbidden, came to me. "You, um, know what to do, right?"
"I've had some practice," Gavin said. This time he did give me a brash smirk, but it didn't make me feel upset at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. "But I'll do whatever you tell me. Promise."
My brother put his palm down, not even parting my lips, and pressed down. Rubbing. It felt nice. Little sparks shot through my body. He dipped his hand between my labia and traced his finger through, gently probing. That felt really nice. Not at all foreign or strange like I'd feared. Almost natural.
Gavin explored my sex and I groaned. I didn't mean to do it. The sound just slipped out.
"So far so good?" Gavin asked. So giving. Caring. His touch almost perfect and now I couldn't stand it any longer.
"Yes," I said.
"Remember, anything you want," Gavin said. I don't know what he was expecting, but my next request was definitely different than he'd guessed.
"Take your clothes off," I said. Gavin's touch faltered. "It's not, like, a sex thing. I mean, I'm sure you're sexy I just..." I guess it was my turn to ramble. "I feel weird being totally exposed and you being completely clothed."
Gavin nodded. He took his hand out of my sex, an unfortunate side effect, and lifted off his shirt. I gasped again. Holy heck, my brother was ripped! Like, I knew he'd gotten in good shape. I could see it just by how he stood. But wow. I had no idea. He had defined pecs and the beginnings of a six pack. A bit of brown hair covered his chest.
Gavin undid his belt and took off his pants. His legs were no less impressive. Thick thighs and bulging calves. My brother was a hunk. A stud.
Oh.
Even more than when he'd touched me, my mostly-naked brother was making me wet.
Gavin was down to his boxers now. "You want these off, too?" he asked.
I nodded. Speech was no longer in my skillset. Gavin pushed down his underwear. His thing -- erect, of course it was erect -- popped up. Dark pink. Long and thick. Like I said, I watched videos. My brother's penis was more than I'd ever anticipated.
Wait. Not a penis. Or a thing. My brother's cock. I tasted the word in my mouth, savoring it. I was staring at my brother's awesome cock which, wow. OK. And I'd thought I was worked up before.
Gavin eyed me kindly, like being naked in front of his little sister was totally natural. I pulled my shirt over my head to make things even. Gavin grinned even wider.
"I love your breasts," he said to me.
I looked down at my little lemons, dubious. Like there was anything there to love.
"I think they're really sexy," he said.
"I like your, um, your thing," I said, then quickly caught myself. "Your cock, I mean. It looks really, um, big."
"Kelly said it was too big," Gavin said. He couldn't look me in the eye as he said it. "She said it hurt her."
"First of all, I don't think that's a thing," I said, "Too big, I mean. A baby has to come out of me and you're not as large as all that. Besides, it's not like you have some ten-inch horse dick or whatever. It's just, you know, good sized. I'm sure it'd fit in me. Eventually. I mean, if we tried. If we were going to do such a thing which of course..."
"We're not going to do that," Gavin said, firmly.
"Because it would be wrong," I agreed, just as resolute.
"I'll just rub you now," Gavin said, "So you can feel better."
"And later," I said, "Later too."
"Because you'll feel this way again, of course," Gavin said, "And I'll do it. To take care of my baby sister. While she's injured."
"Right," I said, "And maybe you'll, you know, rub yourself. Too. Because you'll probably be all worked up from this."
"Am worked up," Gavin said, "Was. Am. Will be."
"Right," I said, "And I wouldn't want to leave you. Like that. And I can't do it for you, because of my wrist."
"I could go do it by myself, after," Gavin said, "If you wanted."
"No!" I said, "I mean, no. It wouldn't be fair. To me. To show you my... um, my peak. And not see yours."
"Totally good, clinical reasons," Gavin said.
"Right."
"To protect your purity."
"Of course," I said, "For me."
"For your husband," he said.
"For God," I said.
We stared at each other's bodies. Both sweating and panting like we'd been running for days. Gavin's face and chest were splotched crimson. My own body felt hot.
"Hey, um, Cassidy?"
"Yes?"
"Before, when we were on the bed and I was talking about Kelly? Right before you broke your wrist?" Gavin said.
"I remember," I said.
"I was trying to kiss you," Gavin said.
"I know," I said.
"It's just, I was so down about Kelly and you were there for me. Like you always are. And right then I realized how much I loved you. How beautiful and wonderful and special you are. Loved you more than I'd ever felt for Kelly. Or for any woman, honestly. My body took control. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."
"It's OK," I said, "I was feeling close to you then, too. You'd been gone for so long and, yeah, we still talk online or whatever, but it isn't the same. You're my best friend, Gavin. Having you back has been hard. Not cause you're here, but because I know you're going to leave again."
"I'll come back," Gavin said, "You're leaving too."
"Not that far," I said.
"Not that far," Gavin said. He leaned forward. His face was right above mine. I felt his naked body wrap around mine. Our lips touched.
Like I said, I'd had a couple of totally chaste, go nowhere boyfriends before that moment. Little stolen kisses that, in retrospect, they'd never earned. Jimmy Davis in the car. Kenny Holloway by the senior parking lot at school. Billy Katz on the front porch after prom. Nice boys, some of them handsome.
Not one of those kisses was anything like this.
As soon as my brother put his lips to mine, it was like a warm buzz that spread over my whole body. A thousand tingling bee stings that made the hair on my arms go straight and my tight little sex go liquid. Gavin kissed me and I felt dizzy with how hard my world flipped.
I kissed him back. Arms around his neck. Hanging on. I wanted to be closer. I pressed my tongue against Gavin's mouth, and he opened up. Our tongues twisted, hungrily. My taut nipples tickled against Gavin's chest hair. My brother's hardness pressed against my sex. We ground down on each other. Primal.
Finally, Gavin broke the kiss. Gasping. He licked down my neck and found my little breasts. I quickly discovered that my brother wasn't kidding when he said he loved my boobs. He worshipped at them, like they were the greatest things in the world. Suckled and bit at my nipples. If my body was burning before, it was a conflagration now. I found myself arching upward, trying to slip my brother's cock against my wetness.
My instincts kicked in. I reacted in the moment and there was nothing I could do about it. That's what caused all the trouble.
I reached down with my good hand and grabbed my brother's dick. It pulsed hot, in my palm. Don't think I didn't notice my dumb little purity ring, glinting against my brother's cock.
"We should stop now," Gavin said, "Before we go too far."
"Right," I said. I pushed his dick downward. Till the head nestled in my opening. I nearly creamed right there, as the crown pushed slightly against the tight ring of my unexplored sex.
"I'll rub you," he said. "You can rub me. Don't want to risk anything."
"Definitely not," I said. I slid my butt downward. That glorious, ginormous cock slipped forward. Just the tip. I felt my opening spread, achingly, to let him in. I considered that maybe Kelly was right -- maybe my brother was too big.
Gavin looked down at me with all the love in the world. He slid forward. Gently. I felt a pressure inside myself. Deep in my sex. The walls of my vagina clinging to my brother's cock for dear life. I dug my nails into his back. Gavin didn't even flinch.
He stopped about halfway in. I sat up to look and there it was, half his penis gone inside me like some cruel optical illusion. Only I could feel exactly where his dick had disappeared to.
"I'm going to need to push," Gavin said.
"I know," I said.
"It's going to hurt," he said. I nodded. My brother drew back slightly and slammed forward. His hardness faltered, then busted through. From halfway in to fully buried in one desperate, devastating push. That one little effort and brother was buried inside sister. The way no siblings ever should be.
Gavin groaned. I screamed.
My brother really did break me.
We both lay there, connected. Intimate in a way I'd never imagined. Tight and warm. Slick. Panting. I'd imagined I'd have all kinds of emotions in that moment: angry, upset, scared. Any of that. But I found to my surprise that none of those things were there.
Instead I felt wonderful. Like Gavin's love was radiating out of him and wrapping me tight. Comforting and incredible all at once.
"I love you," I told my brother. He kissed me.
"Love you too," he said.
"You want to move a little?" I asked, tentatively.
"Only when you're ready," Gavin said.
I smirked wickedly. Oh, I was more than ready.
Gavin drew back. He slid forward. It still hurt a bit, sore mostly, but another sensation overwhelmed all that. Pleasure. Wonderful, magical, incomprehensible pleasure. I could feel every vein and ridge of my brother's dick. The head of his cock plumbed my depths. I was completely in Gavin's control and I loved it beyond anything I'd ever experienced.
Gavin started moving faster. The animal urge overcame us both. My brother grunted as he thrust into me. I felt something building in the bottom of my stomach. In my sex. It was kind of like when I rubbed my clit, but deeper. Stronger. If before was beestings and small explosions, what was building in me now was like a nuclear bomb.
I reached between where my brother and I were connected and found my clit. With Gavin plowing into me, it didn't matter that I couldn't fully work myself with my left hand. It was enough. My nipples felt tight and I wanted someone to twist them. I told Gavin and he nipped at my little pink nubbins. It all felt so good.
"Cass," Gavin said, his voice a whisper, "Cassidy. I'm getting... Getting close."
In the moment I thought he was sharing with me, the way that lovers communicate in quiet whispers. What feels good, what doesn't. Gavin was telling me that my body was doing its job. My heart soared with happiness.
I didn't realize it was a warning.
Things like condoms or the pill, pulling out, they didn't occur to me. I wasn't considering that my brother was bareback in my unprotected sex. The thought that I was fertile didn't enter my mind. It didn't occur, in that moment, as my brother and I were having sex in my childhood bed, that we would make a baby together
Gavin felt so good. Watching what I did to him, I only wanted to see more. I wanted to feel him. Feel me. Nothing else mattered. I begged my brother to inseminate me. To put his seed in his sister.
"Cum Gavin," I said. Pleaded. "Cum in me."
Gavin's face cinched. His eyebrows knitted. His eyes rolled back. I strummed my clit as hard as I could. Somewhere in that transition, my brother and I stopped making love and started fucking.
My big brother was fucking me. Hard. The bed groaned and creaked. Our hips slapped together. The explosion was building inside of me, rising like nothing I'd ever felt before, and then suddenly I was gone.
The orgasm started at my clit, rose through my hips. My stomach. My arms.
"oh god," I squeaked. Because of course, who else would I invoke in that moment? Who else would I praise for my broken promise?
My sex squeezed down so hard on Gavin's cock, like I was trying to snap it off. Gavin jerked. Grunted. Said my name, then stilled. Something hot and wet splashed inside me. Whatever I was expecting to happen, it incomprehensibly tripled in power. And I was gone.
"Oh fffffffffffFFFFFFFFUCK!" I screamed. Mouth open. Eyes rolled back. Body tensed and trembling.
My brother spurted inside me. His cum splashed against my cervix. His sperm burst into my waiting womb. I rose off the bed, back arched, like I was possessed.
Gavin buried his head in my shoulder. The both of us writhed on the bed, soaked in each other's ecstasy. The pleasure was more than anything I could have imagined. My head exploded. My heart stopped. Nothing made sense in the world except my brother's body. Connected with mine. The two of us encased in intense, illicit bliss.
Finally, my body fell back. My brother's dick slipped limp out of my pussy, trailing lukewarm slime down my thigh. I fought the urge to beg him to put it back in.
I searched my brother's face. Needy. Gavin looked down at me. A huge, goofy grin. We kissed. Breathless.
I held up my left hand clearly, so Gavin could see it. Pulled the purity ring off my finger. Then threw it across the room.
It hit the wall so hard, there's still a dent where it cracked the paint.
*
Maybe I didn't get pregnant from that first time, although I like to think I did. Karma and all that. But, in truth, there were hundreds of other opportunities. After all, our parents were gone for an entire month. Plenty of time for Gavin and I to explore each other's bodies. There are lots of positions you can try, even with a broken wrist. My brother and I made sure to thoroughly experiment with each of them. You know, for science.
My parents came home from their trip in August. My cast came off in September. I came and came on my brother's cock. We didn't stop. Not when we both left for college. Not when my freshman roommate caught us on my dorm room bed. Not when I missed my period for the first time. Or the second.
When I came home for Thanksgiving, my belly was already practically bursting, I told my parents I'd had a drunken mishap with some frat boy. To be honest, I don't think they believed me. Gavin and I weren't exactly careful about our activities. I think we kind of wanted to get caught.
To be sure, Mom and Dad weren't happy about the whole thing. Pregnant, college-aged daughter without even a boyfriend in sight. But they didn't know what to do about it either. In the end, the lie served all our purposes, so we let it sit.
The night after I presented my pregnant self to my parents, I met up with Lilah for the first time since the summer. I didn't have to show her that my purity ring was long gone. I just pointed to my baby bump. My child.
My promise to the love of my life, my future husband -- my brother. The boy who finally broke me.
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