Capítulo 23: SAY IT 21 : The Realization
SAY IT 21 : The realization
RAY
"We want... the old Raychel back. We also doesn't want you to go overseas. Hindi lang kami, lahat kami Ray. Ayaw namin na umalis ka."
Paulit-ulit na nagre-replay sa utak ko ang sinabi ni Glenn patungkol sa pag-alis ko next year. As I thought, hindi lang talaga kami umalis para mamili ng regalo para 'kay Klein. He really wanted to talk about it.
In the end, ang napili nyang regalo para 'kay Klein ay isang baseball bat, baseball gloves at isang panlalaking perfume. I ignored what he said at mabuti naman ay hindi niya na 'yon kinulit pa. He thanked me after namin makapamili saka ako niyaya na ihatid pauwi which I declined. Hindi niya na ako pinilit pa kaya naman hindi na 'rin uminit ang ulo ko.
I called Kuya Ryle to pick me up and ilang minuto lang ay dumating 'rin siya.
"Stop right here." wika ko nang mapadaan kami sa may park.
"E? bakit ano na namang gagawin mo?" pagtatanong niya.
"Nothing, just stop here." malamig na wika ko.
He did what I said at umalis na. I sighed after lumabas sa kotse. I have so many memories in this park with the twins. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang park na 'to kapag nakaalis na ako. I rub both of my palms to each other para mainitan ang kamay ko, dahil nga malapit na ang pasko, it also means na magiging malamig na 'rin ang simoy ng hangin gaya ng sinasabi sa kanta.
I sat on the swing as always. Siguro nagi-snow na sa Japan ngayon, I always wanted to go there ever since and luckily hindi lang ako ang makakapunta 'don, everyone in our class will also go kasama na ang instructor namin.
"I wonder if he'll go.." I mumbled under my breath.
Once I felt the familiar vibration on my pocket, inilabas ko na agad ang cellphone ko saka sinagot ang tawag kahit hindi tinitignan ang kung sino man ang tumawag.
"Hello?"
"Ray, where are you?" Moon's voice asked.
"At the park near my apartment."
"Great, stay there. I need to talk to you about something. Would you mind?"
"Okay, I'll wait. Be careful,"
Binaba niya na ang tawag matapos 'non. Ano naman kaya ang pag-uusapan naming dalawa? nahanap na niya kaya ang mastermind sa likod ng mga nangyayari sa'kin?
I waited for him for like 8 minutes bago siya dumating, mukhang dama niya 'rin ang lamig ng panahon dahil sa kaniyang patong-patong na suot. He looks really good in black but I think Klein suits that better.
"Can we talk somewhere more comfortable than this place?" tanong niya, I simply nodded my head saka tumayo sa may swing.
He brought his car with him kaya naman naging mas madali para sa amin na lumipat sa ibang lugar. He stopped infront of an unfamiliar fancy looking cafe named Cafe Theresa, ngayon ko lang nakita ang cafe na 'to. At base pa lang sa design nito sa labas, halatang hindi ito kagaya ng ibang mga cafe's na napuntahan ko na.
As we go inside, malambing kaming binati ng isang waitress saka iginaya sa may bandang dulo ng cafe kung saan ang pader na katabi namin ay gawa sa salamin where you can see what's happening outside the cafe. Napaka-relaxing ang awra na ibinibigay ng cafe na 'to, isama pa ang maririnig na pagpapatugtog ng piano sa background.
"This is very beautiful." komento ko habang iginagala ang tingin sa may loob ng cafe.
"Indeed so, palagi akong nagpupunta dito para makapag-relax. Not to mention ang napakasarap nilang kape." Moon said.
"Good afternoon, Ma'am and Sir. Have you already decided what to order?" bati ng isang babaeng waitress.
"One espresso," wika ni Moon sa waitress.
"Uhmm.. one café au lait." wika ko naman habang sinusuri ang menu.
Matamis kaming nginitian ng waitress bago umalis, I forgot na zero pala ang knowledge ko patungkol sa kape. I only know the basics.
Moon cleared his throat para makuha ang atensyon ko kaya naman ibinigay ko 'yon sa kaniya. "I'm going straight to the topic." panimula niya.
"The youngest Martinez called me and he said na aalis ka daw next year, he also told me the reason." he said looking at me straight in the eye.
"So you brought me here to talk about that? and what? don't tell me ayaw mo 'rin ako paalisin Moon." pagsusungit ko. Sinabihan siya ni Glenn? akala ko ba galit ito sa kaniya?
"No, I didn't brought you here to stop you. Gusto lang talaga kita makausap Ray, and yeah I know na galit ang dalawang 'yon sa'kin but they're desperate. The older Martinez knew na masama ang loob mo sa kaniya.As for the young one, natatakot na man siya na baka magalit ka na naman sa kaniya."
Inshort, they favored him to do this. I can't believe Moon would do such thing.
"Seriously, I pity them." dagdag niya, he rested his elbows on the table at ipinaglandas ang mga daliri bago ipatong dito ang kaniyang baba habang patuloy na nakatingin sa'kin.
Hindi na muna ako nagsalita, alam ko na marami pang hirit ang lalaking 'to bago matapos sa pagsasalita.
"Why? It's because they're dumb. How? it's simple, dahil hindi muna sila nag-iisip bago gumawa. Lagi silang padalos-dalos kahit na sabihin nating may nakahandang plano ang batang Martinez. Another reason, because they're always thinking of you first than everything. Ikaw lang ang laging iniisip ng kambal kaya nga sa tingin ko mas maganda kung aalis ka para hindi mabaliw ang dalawa."
Kung mababaw lang ako, kanina ko pa inisip na sa'kin may galit si Moon kagaya ni Miss Sirin.
"You can't really understand them, even can't predict what they're going to do dahil sa kaguluhan ng isip nila. But I'm trully amaze of what they are capable of doing something. Those two is really are something you know. You can't get easily rid of them kahit na ilang beses mo pan silang ipagtabuyan. Talagang makulit ang dalawa."
"I hope you understand the reason behind their actions, Ray. You're so oblivious when it comes to those things." pagtatapos niya.
"Are you done?" paninigurado ko, baka kasi may pahabol pa siyang pangungutya sa kambal.
"Yes. Now I have some questions to ask."
"Shoot."
Saktong dumating ang waitress dala ang order naming dalawa. Maingat niyang inilapag ito sa mesa bago umalis. Mabango ang kape nila.
Moon gracefully take a sip on his coffee.
"First, why on Italy if there are tons of countries out there where you can study better?"
"My Dad met someone who owns one of the famous and prestigious schools in there so he recommends me that one. I searched via google ang school at nakita ko naman na maganda nga dito. Nag-take ako ng entrance exams for scholarship last month at ilalabas ang results next year kaya maghihintay pa ako." wika ko after taking a sip on my café au lait. It tastes really good kahit na hindi ako fond ng kape.
"O, I see. Well I visited that country once at masasabi ko naman na maganda nga ang kultura nila."
"Indeed so,"
"Second, are you completely sure to already go if ever na maipasa mo ang test?"
"Precisely, I've made up my mind bago ko pa man sagutan ang entrance exams. Kumpleto na ang decision ko na umalis after ng closing ceremony ng St.Celestine," I hope to not regret anything on what I am about to do.
"Third and last question, are you ready to go?"
"Like what I have said-"
"No, I'm asking you if you're ready to go. To leave everyone behind. To leave the case. To leave everything and everyone in vain."
"What are you talking about?" binibilog niya ba ang ulo ko? Is he trying to use everyone?
"I am talking about your friends' feelings."
What? at ano naman ang mayroon sa kanila? alam na nila na aalis ako and.. and.. what is it again?
"Right? you decided to go without thinking about what they're going to feel after malaman na aalis ka na lang bigla. That's why they wanted to stop you. A real friend would not want a friend to go without bidding him a proper goodbye. Ray, sana man lang ay iniisip mo 'rin ang mararamdaman nila once na umalis ka na."
I told them na aalis na ako but.. all I did was to walk away instead of facing them because of this weird feeling dwelling deep inside me after knowing that Klein was already engaged with someone.
Am I not a good friend?
Am I really not? I don't know. Masyado na ba ako naging selfish dahil lang sa iisang bagay? kaya hindi ko napapansin ang nararamdaman nila? I'm now confused. Dapat ba akong mag-sorry sa kanila dahil sa ginawa ko? but.. ano naman ang aabutin ng sorry ko? in the first place papatawarin ba nila ako? I don't know.
"So? did you realize what I'm pointing about?"
I looked at Moon with wide eyes. Only to find him smiling so warmly at me.
"Base on your look. I think you finally realize. Congratulations Ray, I hope to finally be able to see the old you who can easily see through me. And the one whom I used to love years ago."
***
After our talk, inihatid ako ni Moon sa may tapat ng apartment ko. He waved me goodbye but I completely ignored him. Ni hindi nga ako nag-thank you dahil sa lalim ng iniiisip ko. Here we go again with my oh so deep thoughts.
As I go inside, naghahanda na para sa hapunan si Ate Naru habang nanonood naman ng t.v si Kuya sa may sala katabi ang aso ko.
"Welcome back, kamusta?" bati niya nang mapadaan ako.
"It's fine. Excuse me, I'll go to my room." pagtataboy ko sa subject, ayokong pag-usapan pa ang kahit anong tungkol sa nangyari ngayong araw dahil baka sumakit lang ang ulo ko.
"What about dinner?"
"I'll pass, Good night."
As I entered my room, I let myself fell on my soft bed. Hindi na inabala ang pagpapalit ng damit dahil sa kawalang gana. This day is very tiring, I met Glenn and Moon, they both left some words that I can't get out of my head.
"Sofia.. If I were you... I wonder what are you going to do about this..."
My phone vibrated indicating na may tumatawag, I pick it up at hindi na inabalang tignan ulit kung sino 'yon. I tap the green button saka ipinuwesto sa kanang tenga ang telepono.
"Hello.."
"Ray, I'm glad you pick up. Are you about to sleep?"
"Yes.."
"Oh, sorry to bother you. But I just wanted to say, balak ko na sanang pumasok ulit sa monday. At isa pa, gusto ko lang sanang ipaalala na kung may problema ka, puwede mo pa rin ako lapitan para humingi ng payo o tulong kahit na alam kong masama ang loob mo sa'kin. I know, but you're still my friend so yeah.. don't push yourself harder. I hope na sana malampasan mo ang mga problema mo sa ngayon dahil nandito lang kaming mga kaibigan mo para tulungan at damayan ka. T-that's all I wanted to say, sorry kung naabala kita. Good night and see you on monday. Bye.."
He hung up bago pa man ako makapagsalita 'pang muli. It was Klein who called just now.
"Kahit na alam niyang masama ang loob ko sa kaniya. Nagawa niya pa 'rin mag-alala para sa'kin."
"He didn't even let me say good night.."
• • •
In a blink of an eye, it's already monday. Natapos na ako sa paghahanda at ngayon ay naglalakad na papasok. As usual, I only walk alone sa tuwing papasok. Lahat ng students na nakakasabay ko ay mukhang masaya except only for me. I'm still confused about my true feelings.
I once asked myself.
"What is it that I want really?"
Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin nasasagutan ang tanong na 'yan. There are lot of things that I really really wanted but sa lahat ng 'yon parang hindi ko pa rin makukuha ang tunay na kasiyahan. I wonder kung sasaya ba ako kapag umalis na ako sa lugar na 'to.
"Ang lalim naman ng iniisip mo umagang-umaga." someone said beside me. It was the SC President Schenizel, Lloyd's older brother who works on mafia.
I gave him a look at nginitian lang ako nito. Mukhang may pinagmanahan ang dalawang magkapatid.
"I mean, good morning." wika niya. Sumabay ito sa lakad ko kaya naman nagsimula kaming tignan ng mga students na nasa paligid namin.
"Good morning." bati ko pabalik, we're not that close at pangalawang beses pa lang namin 'to na pagkikita kaya naman hindi ko pinansin ang una niyang sinabi kanina.
"You look really down. Does something happened?"
"It's non of your business President, I think you should be going now dahil marami ka pang gagawin mamaya." pag-iiba ko ng usapan. He shouldn't be right here walking and talking with me ngayong mataas ang position niya sa school.
"I can do them later. But hey, ayaw mo bang pag-usapan ang problema mo?"
"Probably not with you."
"And why is that?"
"Because like I've said, It's non of your business. Mas mabuti pa kung iisipin mo ang kapakanan ng kapatid mo kaysa sa'kin."
"Nahh.. Lloyd hated me to death. He hates mafia so that also means he hate me too. If he finds out that I'm looking for him baka lasunin niya ako gamit ang chemicals niya. I don't wanna die yet in my younger brother's hands. That would be a shame."
"Sad to be you."
"Indeed so,"
"So, anong problema ng ating bida?"
"What do you mean bida? "
"It's a secret. So? wanna finally share that problem of yours?"
I sped up my pace para maunahan siya sa paglakad. Para sa isang SC president na ginagalang ng lahat, ang masasabi ko lang ay kasing kulit niya si Glenn.
"You're no fun at all." I hear him say.
I just shaked my head saka ipinagpatuloy ang mabilis na paglalakad para hindi niya na ako mahabol.
I entered our room, and gaya nga ng sabi ni Klein; nandito na siya. Habang masayang nakikipag-kwentuhan sa iba ko pang mga kaklase. Nanatili lang ako sa may tapat ng pinto habang pinapanood sila. I feel like someone na manggugulo lang sa kasiyahan nila.
I was about to retreat nang biglang may tumawag sa pangalan ko galing sa loob. None other than Justin.
"Ray!"
Dahan-dahan pa akong lumingon para makita ang kalahati sa mga classmates ko na nakatingin sa'kin. Talaga ngang nakakahiya kapag tinitignan ng mga kaklase mo kung iilan lang sa kanila ang kakilala mo.
"What are you doing there? come in!" He pulled me inside saka ako iniupo sa aking upuan. Shoot.. I completely forgot na magkatabi nga pala kami ni Klein. This day will be very awkward between us I'm sure.
"Look, Nile is back!" masayang wika niya.
"Bieber, I am Nash okay?" pagtatama sa kaniya ng huli. He gave him a thumbs up.
Nagsi-balikan na sila sa kani-kanilang upuan nang dumating na ang instructor namin for the first period. Thank god, ngayong may instructor na sa harapan Klein will not gonna talk to me for the rest of the period.
Or so I thought.
"Good morning." he mumbled ngayong nagtuturo na si ma'am.
I simply nodded my head habang nasa harapan ang focus. I could feel him staring at me for a minute bago ituon ang atensyon sa harapan. He stopped for a minute saka saglit na may isinulat sa kaniyang notebook. I could see what he's doing in my peripheral vision.
He put a folded piece of paper on my desk. I first look at it saka siya pinasadahan ng tingin but instead of him looking at me, he's looking on the front where our instructor is lecturing.
Pasimple kong kinuha ang papel saka 'yon binuksan. It says:
"Let's talk a lot later, okay? I don't want to feel awkward around you so let's do it. You good?"
-Klein
I folded it again saka isiniksik sa textbook ko.
What should I do? should I also do what he just did? but that's so not me. He's really trying to not make me feel annoyed against him.
I could feel his gaze again so I simply nodded my head as an answer. I hope na sana hindi ako nagkamali sa pagpili ng sagot.
The bell that indicates lunch break rang as the whole class stood up to pack up their things. Kasalukuyan 'kong inililigpit ang mga gamit ko nang biglang tumayo si Klein sa tabi ko, walang pasabi itong lumabas. Someone tap me on my shoulder. It was Lori, na kung dati ay walang emosyon ngayon ay mukhang namatayan siya ng isa sa mga yaoi characters na kilala niya.
"Let's go." wika niya, I noticed na iniiwasan niyang tignan ang mga mata ko because she keeps looking around.
"What happened?"
"It's nothing."
"No Lori, tell me what happened." pagpupumilit ko. Iniiwasan niya talaga akong tignan. Is there something wrong?
Kami na lang ang natitira dito sa loob. Nauna na ang ibang classmates namin sa labas. Now there's a tension building between us.
"us..." Lori almost whispered. Hindi ko buong narinig kung anong sinabi niya.
"What? say it again."
"You didn't tell us..." is what she said habang nakatungo.
"That you're going abroad. You didn't tell us. Why?"
"Loraine, I can explain but first kumain na muna tayo-"
"NO! I want to hear your explanation right now Raychel. Why didn't you tell us? bakit kailangang 'kay Nile pa manggaling na aalis ka? why did you keep it a secret? hindi mo ba kami pinagkakatiwalaan? do you not want us to be your friend anymore?" sunod-sunod niya na tanong.
I saw how she clenched her fist and how she's keeping herself not to cry in this situation. Bihira lang na maging ganito siya.
"It's not like that. I swear. Yes, aalis ako but I was looking for a right time to tell you guys that. Now that you finally know then I guess it can't be helped..." I stopped for a bit saka maiging inisip ang lahat ng bagay na sasabihin ko.
She keeps looking down.
"Nag-take ako ng entrance exams for scholarship to Italy. I'm still waiting for the results for now. If I ever pass, Dad will take me there but that will be after our closing ceremony and the graduation of our 3rd years.
I already decided to go there since middle school and this is it. This is the right time. Doon ko tatapusin ang pag-aaral ko. Papasok ako sa isang University on college. Mga 4 years 'din akong mawawala. After that 4 years, babalik ako dito para magtrabaho sa isang company na pagmamay-ari ng kaibigan ni Dad." kwento ko. She kept silent after ko magsalita.
"You're so selfish Ray..."
"I know Loraine, what I am about to do is very selfish."
"Ni hindi mo man lang inisip kung anong magiging mararamdaman namin once na umalis ka. Do you think we will be happy about that? do you think we can just let our dear friend go?"
"No. Definitely not. That's why humahanap ako ng tamang time para sabihin sa inyo. I want us to be together hanggang sa last day ko ng pananatili dito. I want to make more memories of us together. I'm sorry Loraine, I am very sorry. Alam ko na mahirap para sa'yo na patawarin ako. Alam ko na ayaw niyo ako paalisin. Hindi lang naman kayo ang nasasaktan, even me, nasasaktan din ako everytime I realize that I will be alone in that country. That I will be living for 4 years without my friends by my side! I wanted us to be together till the end! but I'm so sorry."
I clenched my fist hardly to stop my overflowing emotions. Hindi ako dapat na umiyak ngayon. There's a right time for me to cry, and now is not the right time.
"You should have think of it more. Bago pa mahuli ang lahat. It's your decision to make.
What is it that you really wanted to do? ask yourself and think of an answer. If you found it then come back at us. You're still welcome to our family of friends. As of now, you really need to think through it clearly."
After saying that, she walked out of the room. Leaving me alone inside. Once again, may naiwan na namang tanong sa aking isipan. At isa 'yon sa tanong na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa nabibigyan ng malinaw na kasagutan.
Ano nga ba? ano nga ba talaga ang gusto ko?
My mind is always a mess. Hindi na 'yon kahit kailan pa naging maayos dahil sa mga pangyayari sa paligid ko.
My eyes darted on the door nang makarinig ako ng tatlong katok galing 'don. It was Lloyd na nakasandal 'don, both of his hands are on his lab coats' pocket. He's grinning as usual.
Iniayos ko muna ang mukha bago maglakad papunta sa kaniya.
"What do you want?"
"Nothing, napadaan lang ako and saktong nakita kitang mag-isa dito sa loob. Are you crying?" ngising tanong niya.
"I'm not, baka namalik-mata ka lang." pag-ilag ko, pinipigilan ko lang ang pag-iyak ng umalis si Loraine.
"Really?"
"Yes, ano ba ang ginagawa mo dito?"
"Nothing, napadaan lang."
"Is that so? then excuse me dahil pupunta na ako sa cafeteria."
Nilagpasan ko ang mad scientist pero hindi pa ako gaanong nakakalayo ng lakad, malinaw ko na narinig kung ano ang sinabi niya.
"How's your time finally knowing the truth behind Nash Klein's absence? How are you feeling right now ngayong patong-patong ang mga problemang hinaharap mo? Sana ay nakakaya pa ng utak mo ang lahat. It might explode due to too much pressure and stress so be careful."
Saka niya sinundan ng pambatang tawa. Nang lumingon ako para tignan kung nandoon pa siya, wala na 'don ang matangkad niyang pigura. It's like he suddenly vanished into thin air.
Imbes na dumiretso sa cafeteria like always, nagbago na ang isip ko. Hindi ko pa talaga kayang harapin ang mga kaibigan ko ngayon. I really need to think. At may iisang lugar lang sa campus na 'to kung saan ako laging nakakapag-isip na mag-isa ng walang kahit sino.
I started walking my way to the rooftop na ilang floor pa ang kailangang daanan. Halos hindi ko na maramdaman ang tuhod ko sa kakalakad sa paakyat na hagdan.
Gulong-gulo na ang isip ko dahil sa mga nangyayari. There's too many problems to be solved at ni isa pa sa kanila ay wala pa akong kahit anong nasasagutan ng tama.
It's so frustrating, stressing and depressing.
Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang uunahin sa lahat ng problemang mayroom ako.
I finally reached my way to the top. Halos wala na akong lakas na buksan ang pinto dahil sa kapaguran. As I pushed the door open, ang inaasahan 'kong isolated na rooftop ay hindi na ganoon sa ngayon.
There's an unfamiliar figure standing right there, his back facing me. Nakasandal ito sa may mataas na railings. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad dahil baka maabala ko siya. Hindi ko naman ine-expect na may isa akong makikitang lalaki dito ngayong dati naman ay wala gaanong tao ang pumupunta dito maliban sa'kin.
"I know you would come." rinig kong wika niya.
May kausap ba siya sa telepono? lumingon-lingon pa ako sa buong paligid para i-check kung may isa pang taong naroon maliban sa aming dalawa.
"This is the moment I've been waiting for Ray," dagdag niya pa. I stood there looking at him-at his back.
"Is he talking at me or... nagsasalita lang siya mag-isa?"
"No, of course I'm talking about you." O, he's a mind reader.
"S-sino ka?" I gulped saka inihanda ang sarili ko. Baka kasi mamaya isa pala 'to sa mga masasamang tao tapos bigla na lang ako sungaban, mahirap na.
"You sure not really recognized me huh? after ng pagsasama natin sa isang maliit na kwarto for so long." huh? what is he talking about?
"Then let me introduce myself,"
I get ready as he turn around, baka kasi may tinatagong armas ang lalaking ito at bigla na lang akong atakihin.
I gulped as I completely saw his face kahit na nasa malayo ako. He almost resembled that guy who Aircon always talks about. What was his name again? Jung? Jungshook?
"Hi Ray, It's been a while hasn't it? I'm very happy to see you once again. My name is Hecate Ross, but I liked it more if you will call me Aircon."
Aircon? wait-this guy standing right infront of me is Aircon?!
♡
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