Capítulo 19: It Has Been A While.
Oh dear. It has been more than a week since I have last written anything here. I feel so ridiculous, telling myself that I started this, therefore I should see it through to the end. But alas, my commitment could not hold on. And here you see my problem with procrastination. The fire in my belly reduced to nothing but a whiff of smoke in a matter of weeks. I hate myself.
You add on to that, me feeling unwell for many days now. Well, you get a recipe fpr disaster.
To be honest, I am not feeling well today as well. Not only physically, but mentally as well. I feel like a f**k up, for lack of better words. I mean, the last few days has been really hard on my psyche. I now have an idea with what work feels like, I am volunteering, unlike the time I had my internship back in college. You talk about gaining experience, with what I am doing now, you might as well call it that. I want to say I plan to take even higher education, but I have my doubts because of my performance during the assessment examinations. These are some of the things I have been doing during the time I was not writing here diary of mine.
If I think about it one way, it seems like I am getting somewhere, getting on my life. I gain experience through this volunteer work I have. I take higher education to increase my chances of finding career work. But here is the thing, if I think this way, I can most definitely say, that I am not me. Why? Becausexthe truth is I have this stinking feeling that whatever I do or end up doing is going to end up disastrously and I am going to feel like a failure again. I am not sure why? but my senses really tell me that I will so f**k up whatever it is that decide to do. I know that that is not a good outlook to have, but deep down it is hard to remove these instincts I coded into myself.
Do not get me wrong, I do not wish to stay cooped up in this thought forever, but it is hard to remove myself from them. I know that there is a light at the end of the cold, dark maze. I just do not know when it will show itself to me. But I keep looking, I keep hoping, that I might find it and with it, I find peace with myself.
Anyways, I have had enough of these ramblings, this more than a week of pent up frustration by the way. I am sorry if any are negatively affecred by it, it is not intention. i just really needed an outlet to air my grievances you know. But for those who were impacted negatively, again I am truly sorry, and that was not my intention. So yeah. There you go.
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