Capítulo 31: Emotional Overflow
"So how did you like your stay there?", mother asked on our way back. "It was boring at first, but then I got used to Apium…", I recounted some of the events to her. I told her about the contests uncle prepared, and how I won Turry. I talked about the sea, the shells as well as the new creature we saw jumping out of the water. I also told her about my sword practice, and how I faced opponents with spears and shields. Of course I never mentioned anything about the tunnel, or what we encountered inside. "The creatures you saw in the sea are called fish, while the shells you found are from clams. That is how these creatures are called. I'm happy your stay wasn't that boring", mother said.
"You know those creatures?", I asked, surprised. Not even uncle knew their names, but mother told me just like that. "That's because they are very common in the Endrosian Empire. Who knows, maybe you will get to visit it one day", she replied. "Heh… Why don't we visit now? You worked for so long, can't you take a break or something?", I asked. "Unfortunately no, sweetie. I have to stay here in the North and before you ask, you are still too young for that. We will go once you grow up a bit more perhaps", she replied. "I'm not that young anymore! I'm already fourteen years old, a few more years and I will become an adult!", I exclaimed. "You will always be my little Anna", mother replied with a smile.
'This is unfair. Others travel around however they wish, I have to stay at home all the time. Even during my stay in Apium, I was only allowed to leave for a few days at most. I'm not a kid anymore…', I thought to myself. "Why the long face? I told you before, didn't I? You will be able to travel, but I have to make sure you are ready. Until then, you have to listen to mom, alright?", mother said. I could only nod in agreement. 'Maybe she is right. Besides, mother would be lonely alone… It's not like I'd leave forever, but maybe it's time for her to find someone else', I thought.
"Mom… Why don't you find someone else to live with?", I asked. Mother stopped suddenly. "What did you just say?", her voice stern and cold. "...But… I…", mother's mood became really bad, I had a hard time finding words. Mother faced me with a serious expression, "Do you really think your mother is that sort of person? You think I chose your father on a whim?", she asked. "...No… But..." I tried to reply. "Let me teach you an important lesson today. Any being that has no trust or loyalty, is as worthless as the ground you are standing on", she said seriously. 'What's her problem? I only wanted to help her, why am I getting lectured?', I asked myself.
"My love for your father is not something anyone, or anything can stop. No one can replace your father, and no amount of time will change that. That is loyalty. I trust your father with my life, and know he will return one day. That is trust. One of the reasons you are not allowed to travel, is exactly because of that. Once you learn those values, you will understand", she added. "...Is it my fault he's not around? Am I the one who abandoned you? What if he doesn't return? What if he's dead!? What then? You want to stay alone, for the rest of your life!?", I exclaimed. "Yes", she replied seriously. I was shocked, she'd rather be lonely, than with someone? Why? For a guy who didn't show up? For a guy who abandoned his family for whatever reason? "How can you still love him? After all of this? Why do you look at me like that?", I asked with tears in my eyes.
"I'm disappointed, Anna. You think your mother's loyalty is worthless, that I don't trust your father. That he abandoned us… Is that how I raised you? I can only hope you will understand in the future", she said. "Does that mean he is more important than me? I'm just a baggage by your side, just to fill in the hole while he's away...", "Pak!". Mother slapped me before I could finish. There was no strength behind it, but her emotions. "How dare you even think like that? Do you think I wouldn't care about my own daughter? Do you think I would abandon you, cast you away when he returned? Where do you get such ideas? I always looked out for you. I would sacrifice my own life for yours, and you say such things?", mother said with tears in her eyes. "...Get back on your Taurus, we are going home", she added. I mounted Turry silently, and slowly followed mother home.
I deserved to be slapped, 'What was I thinking? Mom always cared about me, she provided for everything I needed in life, yet I said something like this… What's wrong with me?'. The tears silently trickled down my face, while we slowly made our way back home. Whenever the topic of my father emerged, there would be an argument. I didn't know what to think. I tried to apologise, but no words came out of my mouth. I felt useless.
Once we got back home, mother didn't bother about anything and simply headed to her room. I tied Turry to a tree and left a few fruits for him, before heading towards the cliffs. 'I'm just a mistake… I made mom cry again, and those eyes… She never looked at me like that, she was angry and disappointed. Maybe it would be better if I didn't exist… Maybe everything would be different…', I thought while staring at the horizon. "Step", "Step", "Step"... I didn't know what took over me, but I lost purpose. I simply walked forwards, one step after the other. "ANNA!", I heard mother's scream, and realised my legs stood at the edge of the cliff. '...Failure… Give up… Disappear… Hahaha...', I heard my own voice, but I didn't speak. 'Jump… What are… you waiting...for?', my voice sounded again, but it felt off. It felt evil. 'Maybe that's for the better', I thought muddled and my body took a step forward.
"Swoosh!", a slight breeze pushed past me, while warm hands wrapped around me tightly. I don't know what happened next, I must've lost my consciousness. I wasn't sure how much time passed before I woke up. Everything felt more like a dream to me, instead of reality. There were at least two familiar people talking, but I couldn't make out any words. The darkness slowly enveloped my eyes again. Next time I woke up, there was someone sitting next to me. I groaned lightly while trying to pick myself up. "Where… Where am I?", I asked weakly. "How do you feel?", someone asked.
I knew that voice, but it took me a while to recognise it. "Mom? What's going on?", I asked. "It's alright now sweetie, everything is alright", mother said and caressed my head. "Get some more sleep, rest until you feel better, alright?", she added. I felt really tired. Mother's arms gently slid me back into the bed and I fell asleep once more. "Mmm… Mom?", I asked while waking up for the third time. "I'm here sweetie, how do you feel?", she replied sitting next to my bed. "I'm alr…", but before I could finish, my memories began flooding back in. Tears slowly swelled up in my eyes, "...What have I done?...". She hugged me, "It's alright sweetie, don't cry".
We stayed like that for a while. "I… I don't know why I did that, I didn't mean to…", I stammered. Mother shook her head, "It's alright now, you will get better sweetie. We just have to slowly nurse you back to normal". She then passed me a cup full of water, and told me to drink it. The water tasted familiar, while my mind became calmer. "...That is… Serelis?", I asked unsure. "Yes, you will have to drink it from now on", mother replied. "Does that mean I'm ill? Am I crazy or something?", I asked. "No sweetie, but you can't control your emotions. I know my daughter wouldn't do such a thing, you are not crazy love... How do you feel?", mom replied. I felt calm and alright for the most part, but felt bad anyway. "I shouldn't have said what I did back then. I don't know what came over me, but I know mom loves me. I'm alright now so don't worry, alright?", I said.
Mother told me to rest a bit more. She also asked if I was hungry, but I simply shook my head. Instead, I told her to get some rest herself. 'Mom must've been so worried, she probably didn't sleep at all', I thought. Soon after mother left my room, I thought about everything that happened. I couldn't figure out why such thoughts appeared in my mind, as if my body wasn't mine. 'Taking my own life… This thought never crossed my mind. I might've had an argument with mom, but to take my own life? I should stay away from those cliffs, I don't want mom to worry sick about me. I already caused enough trouble', I thought.
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