Capítulo 2: The desolation
"Well maybe she was just talking to you to get with Henry again or make him jealous."
"Yea Nicole would do something like that." My heart sank as i said that with despair.
Emory was right she was Nicole's best friend she knows her best. I then started coming back to reality realizing it was all a dream. I didn't notice i was tearing up but the dream felt so real and was in tune with reality. Nicole was a, I guess you could say, cold hearted girl. Sadly it's not for me to say, or even talk to her I moved cities and I didnt get a chance to say goodbye. I was forced to move in with my grandparent picking up a very bland, repetitive routine. I often found myself looking at some pictures that reminded me when times were better. I came to the conclusion that that was gone. I felt that i was, i guess you could say a pro at letting go, but I wasn't over Nicole nor was i over the whole city i had just left.
I often thought about how i was out of control and needed this but the more i told myself the more i knew it was a lie. Maybe i was bound to end up bad but who's to say.
The classes seemed to be way faster and complicated for me too keep up with, i wasn't use to it so the struggle began day one. Along with the lonesome days i often tried to just listen in and observe to see the type of people in the school. I got nothing they just were there, in fact i seemed to be distant and i noticed that in myself i was quiet and i didnt even know what day it was anymore, I just did what i was told and kept with the routine.
My life seemed a bit lonesome, especially starting in a new school I had only one friend and i'm not even sure if she was a friend yet. She seemed nice, especially for talking to the new kid. I felt like i needed a friend so Cassandra would have to do. She invited me to a party she wanted to go too, i felt hesitant on going especially since i was new ,but i looked on it as an opportunity to meet new people.
As i begin my tread to school i noticed the sky above me, dark, it looked like it had been painted black. The cold breeze of autumn mixed with the dark clouds hinted to rain progressing. As i walk alone in the wet foggy street to school i find myself thinking, i never really been with the crowd . I for sure stand out but never really stay relevant in a conversation. This day was like any other, except i was still trying to get the hang of things in this new environment. I felt bad about how I left everything without even the simplest goodbye, friends who i often considered family wondering what happened.
When i thought of all the girls i've came close to loving I often wondered if i loved any of the but the concept of love seemed to scare me. I often visualized love as a lie but in the middle is something real and pure that all people try to reach. Many say it's like a mindset but in reality its a illusion by how its perceived. To those who feel empty love can be found in anyone as a fill of the void in you created. Love was never there it's just the sense of fulfillment and temporary feeling of happiness that isn't real, but to others love is magical and something you strive for. Molded by the society around love may seem… "perfect".
As the day progresses so does the wind. The wind comes in strong gusts and then it calms and the mountains in the distance look beautiful i stand still to admire the beauty. The dark clouds rested on the light grey sky above the mountain, it seemed as if they touched heaven. The dark clouds streak the top of the mountains. I imagine myself on the mountains, feeling as if i'm on top of the world. The idea of being in the sky remains implanted in my mind throughout the day.
My awareness of time seemed to be muddled, due to the bland routine i didn't know what day it was. I lived everyday the same way and could rarely remember what went on. It seemed as i went through the motions but never really have the spirit in me, as the weeks pass by i feel more and more tired. I wake up tired and try to get by the days. Occasionally feeling horrible and hating myself more and more each day, i still get by.
As the new yet expected school day finally subsides I arrived home, and lay down on my bed. I scroll through my instagram and hope for a message from Nicole but it never arrives. To try to get my mind off the struggles of life i watch videos of space. I loved space my whole life but i know i'll never be able to live to see it. The video i watched explaining how large space is and i began thinking and wondered if anything we do matters, in the grand scheme of thing nothing matters except memories we have with others we care about. My eyes seemed to be getting heavy till the point i let the waves of sleep drown me to the next morning.
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