Shot side note here - call me stupid but could it be part of the plan when he did know he would come back - would maybe change the phrasing here a bit - but dope plot so far
clear: rebuild and come back stronger. DJ's return was a crucial part of that plan.
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
short note - thats a doubling of the names from 2 paragraphs - feels a bit unnecessary :)
DJ was put into a group of three with a couple of other players, Travis and Malik, both seniors and key members of the team. They started at the bench press station.
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
I like it picasso - definitely know exactly who that is this description works well cause instead of wondering what he looks like my brain goes directly to my own version of a couch with that attitude.
The team erupted in cheers and applause, making DJ feel both welcomed and a little nervous. Coach Carter then handed the team off to the weightlifting coach, Coach Simmons, a burly man with a no-nonsense
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
Hey again I enjoy your story - but I wanted to note some things that I thought would be nice to improve. Some of the big things could have more detail like what does it feel like to get sucked into this virtual world what vibes is the system giving him - I understand that all the ifnromation popped up readily in his head but as a reader i would enjouy getting a bit more of a feeling how it would be for me if i got the systems Cause who wouldnt want that
He selected a scenario: playing against a top-tier High School cornerback in heavy rain. The VR came to life as he selected the options, transporting him to a virtual football field under a downpour. The simulation seemed lifelike as he could feel the raindrops
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
Hey again I enjoy your story - but I wanted to note some things that I thought would be nice to improve. This plan seem for me to come a bit too fast like this is a great plan but even if you played before and are a big fan i feel like they either the system should enable him to have a better understanding or it should take him some time and research to do this - Great plan tho
With his goals set, DJ felt a renewed sense of purpose. But he knew he couldn't do it alone; he needed guidance and support from someone who understood his potential and could help him achieve these targets. It was time to contact his high school football coach.
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
Hey as before let me say first I enjoy your story - but I wanted to note some things that I thought would be nice to improve. Here he accepts to whole thing a little too easy - as a reader of webnovels this seems of course natural to me to but i believe somebody who is that into sports might not accepted it so easy - you could expand this part of acceptance and include some confusion and conflicting feelings - maybe with a back story of some crazy aunt and relating to her mentally or even establishing that DJ is familiar with things like this in novels ( a bit of a cliche i know …”but those things only happen in anime” lol)
would grow depending on what he chose.
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
Hey as before let me say first I enjoy your story - but I wanted to note some things that I thought would be nice to improve. Hey as before let me say first I enjoy your story - but I wanted to note some things that I thought would be nice to improve. There sometimes is a switch from third to first person - pretty abruptly and i feel like that would be fine for consistency reasons. Like inner monologue could be followed up in the first person perspective and then on broader things it could be third but it seems a little inconsistent from time to time
Just as DJ was
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
Here again a little mroe detail would go a long way for me too feel how good she looks
There she was, standing at around 5'8" with curly hair and a nice-looking face—it was obvious where DJ got his looks from. But there was an air of indifference about her.
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
Hey I enjoy your story - but I wanted to note some things that I thought would be nice to improve. The character description in the beginning feel a bit too focused on the physical part - it might be nice to add some feeling they give of to the description top of appearance - i feel like in general the character description could use a bit more detail - they do not need to be added immediately but in the long run it would be nice to have clear image of them. keep it coming :)
As we walked out, I saw someone unexpected. He had short black hair that was beginning to show signs of graying, and faint traces of wrinkles could be found on his face. He was tall, around 6'3", and seemed muscular despite his age. All I could utter was, "Dad?"
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM
Small idea - maybe with scenes like this you could have a bit of a cliffhanger - like he made the impression sure but was it good enough for the system which you can then pick up again later in the next chapter creating some narrative circles that you can close . Nice work!
By the end of practice, DJ was exhausted but exhilarated. He had made a strong impression, fulfilling the mission's objective. His teammates slapped him on the back, and he could feel the camaraderie building. The return to the field had been everything he hoped for and more.
The Infamous : American Football
Sports · B1G_DREAM