Azazel_0919

It reminds me of when I started writing and used many forms of expression, only to end up saying nothing by the end of a chapter—let alone a scene. Back then, my imagination and ideas gave me chills, but that hasn’t happened in a long time. Experience tends to make you wise and seasoned, capable of lecturing, but you end up not enjoying writing and becoming cynical, almost numb.

This is unnecessarily expressive. Expressions and emotions belong in the dialogue, not in the narration. Even if it sounds obvious and sarcastic—which it isn’t, because I’m terrible at irony—the narration simply states what happens, plainly and dryly, while the dialogue and situations give meaning and, therefore, expressiveness to the work.

Honestly, I’m interested in how you plan to make the MC better than Pessi by the end of this story. That monster is terrifying. He did whatever he wanted with football. When he got tired of winning everything with his club in 2012, he started with his national team and reached more finals than anyone. He even won recently, if I remember correctly, though bitterly. That bastard would be like the Demon King in a fantasy setting. He makes the difficult look normal, even routine, to the point where he's underestimated, and it annoys me when I watch him. He even overshadowed a once-in-a-century machine like Cristiano Ronaldo, a true monster who will 100% score over 1,200 goals. Individual technique, collective talent, mind-blowing stats, and insane records. He did things that seem impossible even in fantasy or video games, let alone in a fanfiction like this. Frankly, that stinking dwarf has turned football into his playground, and yet some people still doubt him. I have yet to find a player who has done even 1/10 of what that long-nosed sewer rat has accomplished. Can the MC, with only the talent of Kroos and Nedved, match that thing?

Ways to improve this or the same, subjective constructive criticism: 1- Eliminate the comedy. You are writing in first person, follow Chaplin. Tragedy for the first person and comedy for the outside. 2- As a good Portuguese, the prota should have a middle name or a cool nickname, otherwise it gets boring. 3- I know that system novels attract more readers, but when you combine that fact with first person writing and comedy, well, that becomes terrible, no matter how well you write. It's like you're breaking the fourth wall and that's taboo even in film. There is a very big difference between the audiovisual medium and the written one. But the worst thing is that you made the system conscious and that takes away the mc's power of decision, it's chains. Combine it with the rest and I'll tell you what you get, an adulterated painting of a Picasso imitator. 4- I know it's a modernist tendency but mixing present and past in the narration takes away a lot of protection from this. Either you write in one verb tense or you write in the other, there is no middle ground. I recommend the past, sincerely. 5- I think you were too conclusive at the end, in fact, you went from using the mc's perspective to an omniscient narrator, which is terrible. The novel has a lot of potential as well as a lot of room for improvement. Also, this shouldn't be in the fanfiction section but in the novel section, because it's original, or so I hope.

Dantian? I am 100% sure that in Japan it is Tanden. Heian Period (794-1185). Before the Segoku Jidai.

The selection should be in alphabetical order.