章 73: Chapter 70
" You like me, don't you Stevens?"
My tone was dry, I was looking at him despite the fact that he wasn't glancing back. I watched as that lovely turquoise of his eyes narrowed, then he shrugged casually and nodded.
" Of course I do. "
He hadn't really understood what I had said, what I meant. And that was his major flaw, he was always so unaware of everything. Or maybe he did actually understand but chose not to admit it. But I was going mad and I needed to clarify things if I wanted any sort of peace. I needed to see whether clearing things out would help me think normally once more. It would be one less problem to consider, and if I was being truly honest with myself, I really wanted him to tell me the truth. I wanted to know whether it was just me, maybe he knew how to handle it and he was pretending not to be aware.
" That's not what I mean, "
" Then what do you mean?"
" Do you love me?"
" Come on, stop messing around. I always tell you that I do, don't I?"
" But you don't love me like that, do you? We're not like Jason and Trey... we're not like any other friends in this entire school.."
" We talked about this. "
" When?"
" Just-"
" I don't wanna let it be. "
That was always his go to phrase whenever he didn't feel like talking about something. "Let it be" he'd say. Like it was an afterthought and he was wondering why I was paying too much attention or thinking about it too much. But I was done acting like it was normal, like everything was exactly how it ought to be. The sooner we worked it out the better, and he had to know that I loved him too. If we talked things out we'd possibly get to understand everything better. And he was really smart, he was surely going to understand, plus he knew that I loved him, that I was going to love him no matter what.
He finally looked at me, then he glanced back at the exit and said we had to get to class before we got into trouble. That if a teacher found us there it wouldn't end well for us. And just as he was about to stand, I held his hand and forced him to remain put.
" Don't go. "
" We have to, "
" He was right, you know that don't you? You won't admit it but you know it's true. "
" Bye Austin. "
This time when he stood I made no move to stop him, but I did the same and began walking behind him. If not for his reluctance to approach the topic, I would have done so ages ago. But each time I mentioned anything even closely related to it he shut off. That's exactly why I had set up my boundaries when it came to talking to him and messing around, why I knew where I had to stop because going further would be crossing the line. And I always feared that one day I'd do or say something that would truly anger him and he wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore. Apart from my parents, Kyle was all I had. And I actually relied on him more than I did my own parents. He knew absolutely everything about me and I felt a lot more comfortable around him. Sometimes I even clung to him an unhealthy amount, but he never seemed to mind and he actually clung back.
" Just tell me you feel the same because otherwise I'll go crazy!"
He stopped by the entrance and turned to face me, then he locked his fingers together behind his neck and squeezed his eyes shut like I was giving him a severe headache with just my words.
" I asked you to stop it already! Why do you always have to bring this up!"
" Because it's important!"
" Says who? Austin we're in middle school. What makes you think it's okay to talk about these things. "
" So you understand then?"
" Understand what? There's nothing to understand other than we're late in class. "
For someone I loved so much, he always managed to make me extremely frustrated. I cared too much when it came to him, all I needed was for him to validate my feelings. I wasn't that young, I understood things and I needed him to tell me that he knew exactly what I meant because he was going through the same thing. But he just preferred to pretend that he had no clue, that I was the crazy one or that it was just silly games and nothing more.
I watched as he walked through the wide double doors and eft me standing there. It sucked because I normally would have gone to my mom with suck things. We were that close and plus I had seen her smile at me whenever I was with Kyle, like somehow there was something she knew and understood. And I was certain that had I approached her she would have found a way to make me cheer up, but I was scared because of what I had overheard. And now that I had missed that second class I was surely in even more trouble. That teacher was going to follow up, and I had no intentions of attending this one either. My head was starting to hurt. I felt like I needed Stevens more than ever but he had just walked out on me. I couldn't understand him. There was nothing wrong about how we were feeling. I admit it scared me a little bit I didn't think it was wrong, he was just too worried about other people. That had always been his major flaw, caring about the opinions of people who didn't even know him. Wasn't I supposed to be the only one he worried about?
I sat back down, pressing the heels of my palms to my temples and trying to focus on the present. I just didn't want to get angry, but I was feeling that anger, it was clear and there was no way to miss it. And it was also stronger than ever so I had to get it under control before I did something completely inappropriate. The chances of someone spotting me there were extremely high and I was luckily smart enough to walk around the building and sit at the back. On the cemented ground against the wall.
And even though I was angry at him at the moment, I still really needed him. But there was no way I was going to be by his side and not bring the matter up.
I loved Kyle.
I loved him more than I should have and it was messing with me. But if he admitted that he loved me as well I was going to be okay. So why couldn't he?! That simple fact angered me more than anything else.
KYLE'S POV
When I realized he hadn't followed me to class I had been tempted to go and get him. But when Austin wanted to talk about something he became too persistent and stubborn. We had tiptoed around that topic a number of times but I always managed to get him to drop it. I personally never wanted to think about it.
Eleven was too young to be considering things like that and I wasn't going to force myself to think about something I was uncomfortable thinking about.
I should have known he was going to bring it up again, he had been acting so weird around me the past few days but I thought it was no big deal. Had he seriously just told me he loved me?
Like THAT?
I sat back against my seat and looked at where he would be seated had he been in class. The teacher had seen him around and she had asked where he was, I wanted to lie for his sake and say he was at the nurse's office but she would have gone to check later on. So I just said he wasn't feeling well without really giving any more details. But I couldn't keep calm, I kept tapping my foot and glancing at both the door and clock, waiting for the class to end so I could go to him.
Maybe I had been too harsh with him? He was just as confused as me after all, the only difference was that he was more vocal about it.
So I decided that when I saw him next the first thing I was going to do was give him a hug, he had to know that I cared about him and that would never change.
The class finally ended and I quickly picked up my things, glad that it was break time because I could get to talk to him without worrying about anything. I searched for him all over, but I wasn't able to find him. So I just stood in the hallway, thinking of any other place he could have been. But then something was off, there were too many stares. Even more whispers.
And I knew they were directed at me. It would have been better had it been my classmates, I was used to them making fun of me,but it was actually the senior kids. Some of them weren't even supposed to be in that part of school, I frowned, pushing aside those thoughts that wanted to rise.
When it came to me, I knew things. I knew the reasons behind them...I just preferred to play dumb because it was better than having to deal with them. I was weak whenever it came to such things, I always ended up breaking down in the end if I payed too much attention, so I opted to act blind and deaf.
I thought of another possible place where Austin could be, but just as I was about to head over there, this girl approached me. She was also a senior, and really pretty as well, only that she was dressed more like a boy. A boy was with her. I knew that boy, I had heard a number of things about him. And that made it clear why they were there. She bent down to my level, like I was a five year old or something, then she said hi. A warm smile on her face.
"Umm, Hi?" I greeted her back, confusion written everywhere on my features.
" God! You're so cute! "
I wanted to take a step back, then turn around and walk away. The attention was what I hated most.
" Don't be scared, I know exactly how you feel. I was really freaked out when I came out as well. "
I wasn't a particularly talkative kid. I was reserved and extremely shy. I was only lively when around Austin, otherwise I felt uncomfortable and nervous whenever I had to talk to other people.
" We have a club, exclusively for people like us, " the boy said. Sounding all cheery and lively. My eyes widened and I glanced from one to thee other. Wanting to tell them they were wrong but not having the words and confidence to do so. And them talking to me only served to confirm what everyone else had been suspecting.
" You're really brave for coming out at such a young age, " the girl continued.
I was too confused. Where had they gotten that information from in the first place?
They kept on telling me about that club of theirs and how it would help both me and "my friend" to fit in. That we would be accepted there and there were a number of different people that could guide us. And that we shouldn't worry about being picked on because they were going to take care of everything on our behalf. And before I could even say anything, the girl ruffled my hair, tapped my shoulder and they walked away. I immediately needed to be alone, far from everyone else became I was unable to properly comprehend what had just occurred. And as I was searching for a vacant class I saw Austin approach. He spotted me, but I ignored him and walked into the first class I saw, knowing he was most likely going to do the same. Which he did.
But instead of walking towards me he stayed standing by the door.
" What did you do?" I asked a minute or so afterwards. My tone bearing nothing but judgement.
" What do you mean?"
" You know exactly what I mean! What did you tell that boy in the washroom!"
" I didn't say anything."
" Okay, well then why did two students just approach me and welcome us to their club?"
" What the hell are you talking about?"
I groaned and pressed my forehead to the desk's surface, my hands going to my arms and rubbing up and down. It was an attempt to relieve some of the tension I was feeling, but then the rubbing slowly turned to scratching and Austin stepped forward, warning me to stop it.
" You couldn't just let it be, could you?"
" I swear I didn't say anything! He just made a bad comment and I-"
" -You did something unreasonable! Because that's what you always do!"
" Will you chill out?! Why do you always have to freak out about this?"
I felt his hands on me and I shuddered, my heart beating faster and awareness growing within me, reminding me that it was just Austin. That he was important to me and I could rely on him. But I refused to listen to that voice, how were we supposed to carry on now that the entire school..
" They think we're.."
" What? Gay? It's okay, you can say it Kyle, it's not illegal I assure you, "
The sarcastic comment only made me angrier.
" I'm sorry then, " he stated. Slowly letting go of me and taking a small step back. The bell rang, the sound making me realize that I'd have to go to class and endure everyone staring at me like I was some sort of freak. Austin was the uncaring type so he'd be able to handle it well, but I would definitely not be able to do the same.
" Im just so confused Kyle, I don't want to upset or hurt you but I need you to hear me out. " I finally felt everything he was feeling. And it was clearly a lot. Nothing weakened me more than seeing him look so down. I stared at him, not breaking the contact when he stared back, then I stood and sighed.
" It's okay, " I assured him, then I stepped towards him and hugged him.
Only when I hugged him did my world make sense, but lately I had been wanting more and more, like an urge that was growing daily. It wasn't anything bad though, I just wanted to hold onto him tighter and for a lot longer.
The door was unlocked and some students walked in, forcing me to let go and step back.
We were really not helping the situation.
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