章 19: Breathe.
He knew it would hurt. Just not this much.
He was laying on his bed. Back flat and arms thrown haphazardly at his sides. He found himself losing focus on the world around him. Only the sound of his staggered breaths and the low whistle of the wind seeping out of his bedroom window. The brisk air made the steady streams falling into his ears cold as they had fallen. The fabric under his neck wet and hard to find any real comfort in.
Something was sitting on his chest. He could have sworn it was. Caving it in, bone piercing into his lungs. He was drowning. Gasping for air almost. Fingers that claw until they're bloody. He was being strangled. He was being muted.
And he was small.
So small.
The emotion was foreign to him. He couldn't put a name to it ~ couldn't even process it. Was he angry? Was he devastated? But the lines only blur. And a million feelings become one. Festering within him. Clogging up his insides. A fullness where he was sure emptiness should lay. He felt spoiled. He felt soured.
Rancid. That would give the feeling a face for now. Rancid. Putrid and mephitic. It made him sick to his stomach ~ nauseous enough to make him consider hightailing it to his bathroom, just so he could purge this rotting feeling molding at the bottom of his stomach. He'd flush it away and be rid of it. If only it were that easy.
I wasn't good enough.
The thought pulled a pitiful mewl out of the base of his throat, his hands moving to his lips to trap the rest in between his fingers. He didn't want to hear himself cry. That would just make it real. He couldn't handle that. He couldn't handle not being able to stop.
He couldn't believe he had lost her like this. No, that realization didn't hit him until he had to see it up close. He watched her all but run into his arms on her walk up the steps. But that would have been fine if it were just that. He could have lived through it. And to be fair to her, he wasn't even supposed to see it. The hallway was empty - it was supposed to be at least. She just didn't seem like the type to flaunt something as intimate as a kiss in public. He knew it wasn't for him.
But it hurt like it was. Tore him open right there ~ he felt eviscerated. Disemboweled and gutted. He could barely pick his insides fast enough off the ground. No, he couldn't afford her knowing he was there. Just leave with the steady hope he wouldn't drop his intestines in front of him and trip over himself on his jog toward his room. His eyes were hot before he could even open his door. He couldn't believe he had lost it like that.
And the more he thought about it, the deeper the ache became. He was slipping. Teetering on a thin plank as the wind threatened his balance. He was falling ~ He was plummeting.
Regret. That was the first nail. Regret for not being selfish. A part of him hated himself for taking the high road out. Fuck that. That little fucking twerp didn't deserve someone like her ~ couldn't handle her like he could. She was the sunrise that muffled the stars ~ where he was the overcast that obstructed her. That jackass would only bring her down.
Anger. That was the second. It was his fault. That shitty fucking Deku. Of course she'd chosen him, he was down her throat more than half the time. Always tucking her behind him. Holding her captive. He made sure everything she saw was him ~ everything she knew. If it weren't for him she'd be in his arms right now. Pressing her lips against his, instead of that conniving rat.
And finally the third: Loneliness. That was the worst one. She was supposed to be here. She was supposed to be his. Yeah, being her friend was better than not having her at all but, he didn't want to be her friend. He wanted to be her's. Her soulmate. Her everything. He wanted her to feel the same.
Was he just broken? Is that it? Was he just no good? Unsalvageable? Rotten? He didn't know how to fix himself. He wanted to be better. He'd do anything he could to make her see him as better. He wanted her to want him. He wanted-
Ding!
The sound of his cellphone jolted him a bit. The light from his screen bursting against the face of his ceiling. It was the direct message tone. He didn't get very many of those. He turned over to his side, wincing at the blue light burning into his head ~ a metallic feeling momentarily pinching in his skull as he let his eyes adjust to the light.
Angel Face
You ok over there?
My wrist is barking like crazy.
|19:53|
Shit. The last thing he wanted to do was bother her with his despair. These things were pretty annoying when they wanted to be.
Bakugou
Fucked my toe on my desk leg.
Don't worry
bout it.
|19:55|
Angel Face
O o f. Had to be a pretty hard
blow then. Maybe b more
careful next time?
|19:56|
Bakugou
Sure.
|19:56|
Angel Face
Hey, kat?
|20:01|
Kat?
Bakugou
Kat?
|20:02|
Angel Face
Oh is the nickname too much?
|20:02|
No, he liked it a lot actually.
Bakugou
It's fine.
|20:03|
Angel Face
Oh well, I was just wondering if
you'd maybe wanna hang out sometime? Like during the
weeknd or after school? I have video games if you wanna play some.
|20:07|
Bakugou
You game?
|20:08|
Angel Face
Eh casually. And g o d
anything but Fortnite.
|20:09|
He almost sent "What would your boyfriend think about this?" But decided that would come off as a little petty.
Bakugou
Will it be just us or is
deku coming?
|20:11|
It took her a moment to respond to that.
Angel Face
Izuku's actually visiting a mentor
of his near Hosu this weekend. He might be back Sunday?
|20:17|
Saturday it is then.
Bakugou
I'm free Saturday.
|20:18|
Angel Face
Oh ok cool. You know my room #?
If not it's 406. It should b near the
snacc machine on the third floor.
|20:20|
Bakugou
Got it. Thanks.
|20:22|
Angel Face
No prob. So around noon
Saturday?
|20:23|
Bakugou
2pm good?
|20:25|
Angel Face
2pm's perfect.
It's a plan then?
|20:27|
Bakugou
Yep.
|20:27|
Angel Face
Great! Then I won't hold
you up any longer.
Night, kat.
|20:29|
Bakugou
Night.
|20:30|
"You seem somewhere else. Are you doing okay?"
"Hm? Oh." She laid her phone face down on her mattress, closing her eyes as she let his voice pour through the speakers in her headphones. "Sorry, Izuku. I was just texting someone. ~ What were you saying?"
"Oh? Who were you texting?"
She let out a soft sigh as she tucked herself beneath her comforter. "Just Bakugou. My wrists have been bugging the hell out of me all evening so I wanted to know what was up."
It was quiet on the other line for a while. Almost eerily. She would have thought he had hung up if it weren't for the purring coming from his fan in the background.
"Uh, Izu-"
"When did you give Bakugou your number?"
Bakugou? His last name sounded almost out of place in his voice. "After school ended yesterday? He walked me home remember?"
"Yeah, but..." He trailed off.
She furrowed a bit. "That's not a problem is it?"
"No, no. It's just.... I don't know."
"Izuku."
"I know. I'm sorry. I just can't help but be a little concerned. That's all."
"Concerned?"
"Well, you gotta see where I'm coming from, (Y/N). You guys are soulmates and-"
"Yeah, but you're my boyfriend? I wouldn't be dating you if that ever mattered to me."
Boyfriend. That actually made him feel a little warm and giddy inside. I'm her boyfriend. "You're right. I'm sorry."
"It's..okay. Um.." Well, now she felt a little afraid to ask.
"Hm?"
"Is it okay if I um," She hesitated. "Hang out with him...On Saturday."
Well, there goes that warm and giddy feeling.
If he had the balls he would have just laid down a big fat "No." and hoped to be done with it. But the last thing he wanted to do is come off as that kind of boyfriend. Especially when this relationship had just started. But does she know what she's asking? "Hey, babe. I know we just got together but do you mind if I hang out with my soulmate while you're out of the city? Sure, he's been pining after me for the past two months and you kinda hate his guts for that ~ but that's no big deal right?"
"What," He paused. "What do you guys plan on doing this Saturday?"
"We're just playing video games."
"In your room?" He inflected curiously.
"Unfortunately?" She mimicked the inflection.
"Uh..Sure but, I don't...like it."
"You don't like it?"
"Another guy in my girlfriend's room. I don't like it." He didn't mean for his octave to drop so harshly at the end of that sentence. It came off a little too brash for his liking.
"He's just a friend, Izuku. It would be no different than you hanging out with Uraraka."
Yeah, but he knew the way Uraraka felt about him. It was clear as day, he just never wanted to hurt her feelings about it. Inviting her over to his room like that would only fuel the fire and he'd be a monster to do that to her.
But Uraraka was different. She would be too shy to make a move on him in that situation. Too coy to push herself on him when he didn't want it. Bakugou was the opposite. Bakugou was aggressive and overwhelming. It wasn't (Y/N) that he didn't trust in this situation, it was him. He wouldn't respect their relationship. He knew he wanted her too much. And alone in her room? That was a set up for disaster.
"The situation just seems a little unsavory to me."
"Is there anything I can do to coax you?"
He grimaced. "What do you have in mind?"
"How about..." She paused. "A picture."
"A picture?"
"Mhm."
"What kind of picture?"
Bzzz!
Oh. That kind of picture.
___
The next day came as the last had went. Nothing different about today aside for a few combat oriented activities before the final bell rang. But they were nothing short of a few small exercises. Pairing with one of your peers in a corrective activity to sharpen each other's methods of attack. Midoriya of course paired with his girlfriend. (To a certain blonde's dismay.) And helped her work out a few kinks in her quirk. He even got some new information on a defense maneuver she had been developing in her freetime.
"It's an idea I got from Kirishima's hardening." She lifted her arms in front of her. "When I'm reduced to smoke it's because I've purposely forced the atoms in my body to exert the energy used to transition a state of matter. It usually takes very little of my energy up to a certain point ~ and even less when I'm converting inanimate objects. ~ But then I wondered; what would happen if I used that leftover energy to do the opposite?"
"Because my body creates its own amount of vapor," She laid her hand out in front of him. "I have a lot of resources at my fingertips. Even more when I have fodder."
Bending over to pick up one of the stray cement pieces on the floor of the Gym Gamma, she sat the chunk in her hand before snapping the fingers on her other ~ the rock in her palm belching into a thick haze of smoke.
"If I direct that smoke to stay in place and then use the energy I've spared to idle the atoms in the vapor, then I can solidify it."
Thick white billows of smoke moving to wrap around her forearms, he watched in awe as the cloud spiked into an almost glass-like vambrace. Jagged shards where surging masses of fluff had hovered. He moved his hand toward it to graze it with his fingers and almost found himself pulling back from its knife-like fringe.
"It's so sharp!" Midoriya dazzled.
"It's more of a defensive maneuver than a method of attack. It doesn't hold up very well - maybe a few hits before it shatters but, once I tweak it-"
"Hey, (Y/N)! Midoriya!"
The abrupt interruption actually startled the two a bit, the both of them turning to find a certain bare-chested red head trotting in their direction.
"Oh cool!" He pointed to her arm as he walked up. "You can harden your quirk?" Lifting his forearm beside her's, he activated his quirk. "Hey, look we're twinning." He chuckled.
"Oh, uh It's actually inspired by your quirk. Since your hardening sort of doubles as a lance and shield. It's not as great but it's something."
Inspired by me? That actually made him blush a little bit. He kinda forgot how misleading her poker face was. (That is, when she's not giggling it up with Midoriya or ripping Bakugou a new one.) She was always pretty appropriately kind but sometimes she just seemed downright sweet. He couldn't wait to be her friend once this thing with her and Bakugou was settled.
"It's-? O-oh," He stuttered bashfully. "Hey, thanks! I didn't ~ I-I mean my quirks not that great but-"
"Oi, Shitty hair."
Midoriya stifled an annoyed sigh at the sound of his voice. Figures. Where there's a Kirishima, there'll always be Bakugou not far behind.
"We were in the middle of something, dumbass. Why'd you run off?"
"Oh, I was just talking to Midoriya and (Y/N). ~Hey, look!" He pointed to her arm. "We match!"
Glancing down at her arm and then looking back up at her, he nodded. "Hey."
"Hey, Kat." She waved.
Midoriya furrowed at that. Um, Kat? She's calling him Kat now? When did this happen?
"Um, Kirishima?" He gave him a faux apologetic smile. "We were actually kind of in the middle of something?"
"Wha- Oh. Oh, my bad." He rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry about that. Guess we should leave you two-"
"Doesn't matter." Bakugou half slouched as he interjected. "Bell should be ringing any minute now anyways. ~ Oi, Angel face," He directed his attention back to her. "How are you doing that thing with your arm?"
Midoriya tried to hide his scowl beneath a clenched jaw. He knew he was being purposely undermined. He just couldn't let it get to him. Whatever. He thought. He could have these last few minutes. ~ Why should I care? I get the rest of the day with her anyway. It's my girlfriend. My (Y/N). I've won already.
But maybe he wanted to win a bit more.
Kirishima pointed his finger at the armor."So you're slowing it-"
Brrring! Brrring!
"Damn." He sighed. "Looks like that's the bell. ~ I was actually looking forward to learning more about it. But maybe later though?" Kirishima beamed.
"Oh!" The peak in smoke that raised a bit above her ears followed her pleasantly surprised expression. "Uh yeah, of course."
He raised his hardened knuckles up to hers, inviting her for a friendly fist bump that concluded with an audible clack. They giggled together. Midoriya would have found the interaction cute if not for the blonde jackass staring him down from across the way.
Bakugou shoved at his friend's shoulder before turning to walk away. "Come on."
"Huh? Oh, sure thing. - Hey, I'll see you two later, Alright?" He waved as he followed behind.
"Got it. See you later!" She waved back.
Midoriya let out a short huff and raised a hand to ruffle through his green thatch. "I'm.. gonna go too. Meet me when you get out of your hero suit?"
"Duh." She chortled. "Lockers?"
He shook his head. "Stairway."
"Stairway? Why there?"
"I wanna talk to you about something."
She furrowed. "Um... Talk to me about something?"
"Nothing bad," He looked down at her and smiled honestly. Leaning in a bit to leave a soft peck on her forehead, he could feel her untense. "Don't panic. We're just talking."
"Just talking. Okay, well I'll uh see you there then?"
He nodded, smiling back at her innocently as he stepped to walk away. "See you there."
___
Kirishima spoke into his towel as he slid his hero suit into his locker. "Who would have known you'd get paired up with such a sweetheart for a soulmate?" He sighed. "You're always the lucky one out of us."
"Yeah," Bakugou responded dryly.
Kirishima furrowed. "Yeah? That's it? You're not gonna boast about it or tell me to eat shit?"
"Do you want me to tell you to eat shit?"
"No but, I want you to at least act like you care about this?" He shook his head. "What is up with you? You're mated to a girl who basically has "Wifey material" tattoed to her forehead. She's nice, she's smart, she has a great quirk ~ Never mind that she's one of the hottest girls at this-"
"She's with Deku."
He blinked. "She's what,"
"I ran into them kissing yesterday. She's not mine."
"But she's-"
"Yes, I know that Kirishima." He was speaking through his teeth now. His nostrils slightly flared as he slammed his locker with enough force to open it again. "But she's with that shitty fucking Deku and there's not a single fucking thing I can do about it."
"Look, bro. I didn't-"
"What the fuck do I do?!" His voice cracked that time, almost a bit strangled.
He moved to sit on the bench in front of him. Head falling in his hands ~ resting at the sides of his face as he leaned toward the boy on the bench across from him. He was trembling. His face scrunched painfully and eyes boring frantically at the tile floors. It was a good thing they were alone because if Kirishima didn't know any better? He'd say he was about to cry.
He sat there in silent shock, watching as his friend all but broke down in front of him.
"I fucked up. I really fucked this up. If I hadn't have been such a dipshit in the beginning,"
"Bakugou-"
"I was a dick to her during that course. ~ I barely said shit to her after that. ~ And then the kiss - fuck!- the kiss," He rasped. "I got lost in the moment. I shouldn't have kissed her. ~ I didn't ask, I just - I forced it on her and... and she kissed back but that was only because-"
The hand he clamped over his mouth landed with a hard slap. It startled Kirishima. His grip on himself almost digging into his cheek as he trembled in his own hands. The tears were visible now. Steady and pouring. Faint whimpering seeping through his fingers.
He didn't look up when Kirishima stood from his seat. Neither did he pull away when a pair of comforting arms pulled him in for a consoling embrace. Tight and brotherly, his head hovering over his shoulder as he knelt down in front of him. He needed this. As much as he'll hate that this happened in the future. ~ He needed this. He needed to breathe. He hated feeling like he couldn't breathe. It was all the time. Every time he'd see her. Every time he'd think of her. It was her that was sitting on his chest. Caving it in, forcing his ribs into his lungs. Life was a constant strangle without her and he just needed it to let up. He needed air. He needed her.
"...Kirishima..." He whimpered. "...What do I do?"
Kirishima pulled him in tighter.
"You breathe."
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