章 2: Young dumbass
Chapter 1- Young Dumbass
Hey there beautiful pair of eyes, I got a question for ya.
Sorry If came on a little too strong. But I was just wondering. . . how do you describe the feeling of falling through a bottomless void?
I get the concept is your falling for a reeeaally long time with terror clutching your heart like a little monkey with stolen fruit, but it's always better to have a second opinion on these things. Take your average blue collar married man for example.
Most can't jack off in their tan 2017 Chrysler Pacifica without their "better half's" consent. Sure I could say it felt empty, cold, devoid of all hope and suffocating all at the same time but...
! ! ! THUMP ! ! !
" GOOD F#CKING LORD! What the F#CK aaaarg you son of a aagh ... my neck."
I make one small request with struggling satanic charlie Chaplin and he kills me. Or and this is a stretch he sent me to hell.
Despite almost becoming hamburger meat, minus the kangaroo foreskin and stray intestine my clothes are completely fine and my low hanging fruit are still... ok yeah they're still there. I thought I forgot my schitz pills for a sec until I realized I'm just a jersey native.
Narrating pov
Slowly get up from his back Leo searched around for anything, anything at all that would give him some clue as to where he was. All he could see was endless darkness, and all he could hear was the sound of his heart beating and shakiness of his breath. Looking left right and center he took note of the ominous darkness shrouding his very hand from his sight, as if choking all life and light within its vast expanse.
A thought crossed his mind. An idea though possibly dangerous and moronic given the circumstance presented was all he could do to raise hope of finding something in this place.
"Hello anyone there ?"
" OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE ! . . . is there any failed art students there?"
Back to Leo
I really expected an answer when i called out from almost anything really, but her's a crazy thought. What if i just kept yelling until someone heard or to who ever was listening. I could only imagine a certain pair of black embroidered suspenders watching me, waiting for me to lose all will to live.
What if I tried bending over pretending I dropped exactly that?
I could even pretend I was stuck at one point.
[A few days later]
Not One Mother Fucking Reply!!!
I felt like a cucumber bought by a middle aged women after her kids are gone and the house is all hers. I spent all this time doing anything just trying to keep myself busy. I tried singing, interpretive dance, reciting things from memory, remembering my brothers face. At one point I got so bored i started praying to anyone who'd listen. I think someone was listening, because the moment I got on my knees and bowed my head, lo and behold mr. I fell off a ladder painting houses appears.
"Well well fucking well look who it is, Do you know How fucking long i've been here you rags to riches, crack a cola drinking, chili pepper pecker, first you kill me then drop me off in not even hell but black purgatory. BLACK fucking nothing wrong with it being black PURGATORY! , And you didn't even give me the courtesy of ' I'll be with you in a few thousand years' ? Fine whatever but remember you still own me you Walmart hitler".
" ..."
I was beyond agitated and pissed off I was fucking livid. My back feels like it was slapped by a 50 horny giants, my throat feels like I tried fisting my tonsils like I was looking for my g spot and not one fucking word? This fucking guy.
Narrating pov
Suddenly and without warning, from behind him there was a brilliant flash of intense red. Alerted by the sudden event Leo was frozen in place. As he regained his gusto he turned around just slowly enough to quickly glimpse back at what had appeared.
[Time lapse: Earlier that day]
ERGH ERGH ERGH!!!
"IT'S SIX WAKE UP LEO IT'S TIME TO GO! YOU BETTER BE DRESSED AND READY TO LEAVE IN TEN"
"It's Five O SIX IN THE THE MORNING YOU CONCAVE HEADED BUSH-WACKER, why are you yelling like we're in a DAMN WARZONE ! Take that twig out your ass and use your fucking inside voice"
Does this Mayo monkey not understand math? You cant put massive headache and little rest together and expect it to equal rainbows and sunshine. No what you get is aggravated assault, or does two plus two equal get fucked in the ear ?
'I spent most last night fantasizing and keep your head out the gutter because it wasn't that kind of fantasizing. I also had time to think about a certain someone with most captivating emerald and honey drizzled eyes above a cute button nose with a full freckled face.
A body that may or may not have taken on the entire football team. Strawberry blonde hair let loose to cover her long slender back.
Long porcelain legs with red knee's that looked like they've been hard at prayer. Despite what you may think she's a straight A+ earning student body President with standards. 'with an only fans'
I want her all to myself. To save her from the streets of Newark NJ. Even if it means we marry after high school for 10yrs until I can't take having a joyless and sexless marriage and off myself after finding out y kids aren't mine. Or until I get fat and slow to the point I can't get hard and she then takes the kids and leaves.
I even had a little romantic dream about how I'd walk up to her and say a smooth and risky pick up line like, if my tongue was any rounder id eat that ass one spoonful at a time like the Thicc bowl of oatmeal it is.
Now Is it cheesy? . . .Yes. Will it get me possibly arrested and branded a sex criminal? . . .In normal circumstances yes but If I fake my death and recede from society who's gonna know? with an IQ of 80 I'm pretty resourceful.
(Orangutans are know to posses an IQ of 80)
Now it could've developed into a more wet and wild dream, but oh no no no. My dear sadistic older brother Who, for hidden cosmic purposes has an barbed twig lodged up his ass that only magically gets loose when I'm suffering or blue balled .
But he does let me drive his car, drink, and feeds me so I guess it's not as bad as it could be more hectic.
A few minutes of getting ready to before my daily indoctrination and with spirits from last night freshly flushed it's time to begin a great day with what i like to call " A hearty breakfast"
"OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT KILL IT KILL IT!"
" If you don't like it don't eat it"
"It looks like big bird caught chlamydia and lopped off his featherless flaccid woodpecker! "
" Ouch hearing that coming from the guy that hump's his bed to sleep that really hurts "
" Relax dumbass I cooked with her myself and there's no dash newt herpes"
"Today I've prepared a spicy breakfast burrito with bonito flakes and grapefruit zest"
Claire aint my sister but she's family, I mean what else do you call a girl that lives with you and sleeps with your brother. She looked no prettier than any tatted girl without makeup, only she wears hickies around her neck like a goth wears a choker.But it does compliment her bed head and overall groggy appearance. Before she was the chef of nightmare aspirations She attended Le Cordon Bleu until one fateful day at a drake concert. My brother on the road with his band of salesmen selling Illicit candy and other black market goodies. They instantly hit it off and Bryce deemed her the love of his life. Somewhere along the way she realized and I quote "daddies approval means nothing compared to a little cuddles and cunnilingus" I'm not quoting Claire.
Anyway side stepping the fact that poor girl had a bright future.
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