章 16: Chapter V
Dixie
I spent the rest of my day hidden up in my room, staring at the ceiling and watching doctor pimple popper on YouTube. My sister came in to check on me a few times and surprisingly, my mom sent a text that dinners downstairs but I haven't had any appetite since I got home.
I've been fighting the urge to take sips of my bourbon and I'm so close to snapping but it seems every time I'm gonna snap, Noah just magically sends me a text.
Noah B: hey, you good?
He's probably wondering if I had tried to kill myself yet today. That's so pathetic.
Me: I'm fine and you?
Noah B: good too, just gonna hop in the shower and go see Le-Anna.
Oh? Didn't he tell me that he wasn't seeing anyone but then again, he's a man and that's all they do. This isn't just a "go see", this is a "I'm going to fuck her all the way to heaven". There's no need for me to be this damn bitter but I can't help it. And I won't.
Me: Oh, have fun. I'm gonna go to sleep and remember to email me the things for school so I can prepare.
All of a sudden, the sleep was eating me alive and I just needed to end this conversation. It needed to be over.
After we said goodnight and the conversation ended, I saw an email with the necessary documents for school. Everything was already done.... the medical report, the fees and I even had my placements. I started in two days and I couldn't wait. I didn't expect much from this school thing but I just wanted to live out my dream and get busy these days. So if it means going to school, going to school shall be the cure of it all.
I switched my phone on silent, got comfy in my bed and tried my best to fall asleep but nothing worked. I was tossing and turning for about twenty minutes before I decided to go downstairs to get a glass of water or something.
One thing no one ever tells you, is how hard getting sleep is after you had a suicide attempt. One would think that you'd be sleeping all the days of your life but no, the thoughts keep you up. Everything keeps you up. But the one thing that doesn't ever die out, is the urge. The urge is still there. And the only way to get rid of it, is to confront it but I'm a coward, so there's only living behind it as if I'm a shadow.
The house was dark with a single candlelight shining. That gave me many reminders of my childhood. Ms. Lauren would always keep a candle lit in the house because she believed that there was always some form of light in darkness.... even if it's only one spec.
"I didn't know you were up." I jumped and turned around quickly. I could say the same thing to her... I didn't even know she got home.
I swallowed and walked over to the fridge in quick motions. "I was just thirsty,mom."
There my mother sat. A bowl of soup before her and her gorgeous 4c curl spread across her shoulders. Physically, she was a beautiful woman- one of the most beautiful to date. But internally, her soul was in desperate need for redemption.
We both stayed there in uncomfortable silence. There wasn't much she could've said to me and there wasn't much I wanted to say to her. I've grown to realize that biologically, she's my mother but in reality, she'll never be that.
Taking the water from the fridge and making my way out, she stopped me. "Are you ok? You know you can sit right?"
The thing was I didn't know if there was a catch to this or if she was being genuine. This is the same lady who put my fingers in boiling water because they were too fat when I was younger and the same one who completely disregarded me my entire childhood unless she needed me to do something.
Sigh. I drew up a chair close to her— close enough. There was still enough space for a human to pass between us. She lit the other candles on the table while I nervously drank my water. I've never wanted to be out of a space this badly.
"How are you after the," she paused and took a spoonful of soup, "the hospitalization."
"Good." My answer remained vague as I knew she didn't actually care about that. "Why are you asking?"
She looked up at me. Stunned. Did I ask something wrong? My panic set in. As much as I despised her, I really hated animosity between myself and anyone. At all.
"Because you're my daughter." Oh. I would've believed pigs could fly before I believed that statement. And for the first time in my life, I decided to poke the bear. The most she could ever do is hit me and I'm used to that now. There's nothing she could do to me that hasn't been done to me before.
I scoffed and downed the entire bottle of water. "What's the actual reason? I'm not buying this. I was in a comatose state for about five months and you visited once. I don't believe that you actually care." My tone raised a little bit higher than it should've but I was angered speaking on this. I always get angered when talking to my parents.
She sighed and drank even more of her soup. I was so damn close to throwing the whole damn bowl away at this point. "Your sister wanted me-"
I stood up and fixed my top. "It took a twelve year old to get you to ask me, your child, if I'm okay."
"I didn't think you nee-"
I cut her off and ran upstairs. This night couldn't possibly get any worse. Between Noah and that drama and my mother and her lack of concern for my life.... I'm all fucking tapped out. I'm tapped.
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