章 73: suffering
"What's that, sweety?" Grams asks as I finish signing the last line, reading over it again and making sure I filled it out properly. "Paperwork to attend the prom…" I mumble as I place the end of the pen against my bottom lip, humming softly. "You should be eating." Kozu mumbles and I pause, looking up at him as I slowly set my pen down. "You're right, sorry…" I mumble, setting the paperwork off to the side as my grandmother sets a plate of spaghetti in front of me. "So, Xavier's taking you then?" Gramps asks and I nod, picking up my fork and beginning to fiddle lightly with my food; I wasn't exactly hungry, but I did need to eat. "He also convinced me to let my mare breed with his new stud, so…" I say, my grandpa pausing and setting his fork down. "True Beauty? Your rescue?" He asks and I nod as he hums softly, itching the back of his neck. "And how'd he convince you to do that?" He asks and I shrug lightly, dropping my gaze. "Well, True Beauty and his new stud, Dark Chocolate, bonded. They're both rescues and well… I guess you could say I was feeling a little sentimental. We just let them go free in the pasture together." I say, my grandpa humming as I gather a bite.
"Let nature take its course you know?... It was beautiful, watching the two of them. It was like thunder and lightning, I think I made the right choice." I say, my grandpa reaching over and patting my back. "I'm proud of you, sweetie." He says and I crack a small smile, still in a half in half out state- I was feeling better, though I still felt like shit. Arthur was sparing me anxious glances across the table, I was trying to play it off as if I was fine- but now I didn't have the prom paperwork to distract me. "I'm excited to see what kind of foal she'll have; since he's named after chocolate, I'm assuming he's brown." Grams says and I nod, lifting my bite to my mouth and idly chewing on it. "A friesian, right? So, a true black and a dark brown. There's no telling what color the babe will come out." Gramps says, though the trio seems confused by our talk. "Horses, we're talking about horses. Specifically a horse our girl here saved from a breeding program who bonded with what I'm assuming is Xavier's own rescue horse." My grandma clues them in and they all slowly nod as I swallow my bite. "Yeah, they didn't do anything but gallop around together today." I say, fiddling around with my food as I stare at my plate.
"But… I figured after everything that's happened to her, everything she's been through… she deserves better, you know? If she wants it… Xavier will take care of them, he'll make sure they have a good home to raise their family together, lots of green pastures and no fear of extortion. I think… I think True Beauty deserves that. She deserves her chance at happiness." I say, though I feel my chest ache as tears gather in my eyes. "Ah… sorry, I'm getting emotional…" I sniff, quickly rubbing the tears from my eyes as I feel a lump forming in my throat. "It's okay, sweetheart. We know you care for her a lot, seeing her so happy must have meant a lot to you." My grams says, offering me a sweet smile as I give her a half-hearted smile. "Yeah…" I croak, unable to really say anything else. "You're right, she does deserve a chance at happiness. Goodness knows after she was in that breeding program… it'll be good to see her raise her own child of her own choice." My gramps says and I choke up, feeling an arm wrap around me. "It's okay, Kitten." Kuroo whispers, though I bolt out of my seat as I tremble. "Please, excuse me." I croak as I slide out of his arms, storming to my room and shutting the door.
"Oh." Kurimi says, slowly blinking and rubbing the back of her neck. Arthur takes a deep breath, running his hands over his face and covering his face. Kuroo was confused; had he done something wrong? He was trying to comfort her, but she had bolted out of his arms as soon as he did. "I'll try to talk to her." Kozu mumbles, sliding out of his chair and heading to the door. "I don't get it… is she happy or is she not?" Suna asks, genuinely confused as Arthur blows out a long breath. "Yes, she's happy for the horse. She's sad for herself." Arthur mumbles, running a hand through his hair and shaking his head. "Pardon me, I think I'm also going to turn in." Arthur mumbles, sliding out of his chair and trudging out of the back door. "Happy for the horse but sad for herself?" Kuroo asks, Eiji setting down his fork and grimacing. "I'm sure Arthur knows better than anyone how she's feeling right now but… I assume he means that she's happy that True Beauty can raise her own family with the rescue horse she's bonded with. Maybe she wishes to have a happy family with someone she's bonded with?" Eiji says, though it confuses Kuroo even more- that didn't make sense? She bonded with the trio, right?
"Hey, Pudding." Kozu whispers as he comes into the room, though my head was buried deep into my teddy bear and my body curled tightly around it. "You wanna talk about it?" Kozu asks softly, closing and locking the door as he comes to sit beside me. I sniff, tears streaming down my face and into the teddy bear as he gently stroked my thigh. "You know I'll always be here to listen to you, Pudding. I want to help, I'll listen to whatever it is and try to give you the best advice I have." Kozu says and I sniff as he just slowly strokes my thigh, waiting patiently. "I… I don't know what to do… but… my heart… it feels like I'm losing a big chunk of it…" I croak quietly, Kozu humming as he scoots closer. "It hurts… it hurts so much… because I don't know what to say, what to do… I don't know how to make it work out… but I want to be selfish… but I can't be selfish. I can't." I say, Kozu humming softly as he slides his other hand to my back, gently stroking it. "Can you let me in? Please? I want to help, I won't say anything, I won't hold any grudges against anyone, I'll just give you advice on what I think is right, completely unbiased." Kozu asks softly and I slowly pry my head from my pillow, looking up at him.
His eyes were full of genuine concern and care, I could see how desperate he was to help- Kozu, who I had spilled my heart out to plenty of times. Could he help me with my predicament? I felt so lost, so hurt, I didn't know what to say and I couldn't even figure out what to do. "Let's say that someone… someone special to me… came to me… and told me that seeing me with a specific someone… who is also very special to me... hurt them and made them jealous; what if they ask you to leave them alone for the sake of their happiness?" I ask, seeming to stun Kozu as he furrows his eyebrows. "Did Xavier bring this up to you?" He asks though I furrow my eyebrows, shaking my head. "What? No, this has nothing to do with Xavier at all." I say and Kozu furrows his eyes even more. "Suna?" He asks and I shake my head as he seems crestfallen. "Is… is it Kuroo?" Kozu says and I drop my gaze, pressing my lips together. "Yes and no…" I say, though Kozu seems to lock up as his gaze goes blank. "Kenma? Are you okay?" I ask as he slowly blinks, turning away and pressing his lips together. "I'm sorry… I lied." He whispers before he slides out of the room, leaving me hurt and confused.
Kozu steps out of the room, closing the door behind him as he just pauses- did Kuroo really say that? Did Kuroo say that about him? Usually Kuroo would discuss this kind of stuff with him, not Kimiko. The thought that his friend had betrayed him… it made Kozu bitter, it hurt him to even consider that Kuroo would stoop so low. He had trusted Kuroo when it came to Kimiko, they both loved her for a long time after all. They always discussed it, came to an agreement and even found a pace that worked for them. They even shared her, after all, it seemed she had plenty of love to go around. He thought what they had was going pretty well after all, but… was Kuroo hurt seeing Kozu around Kimiko? Or was he setting that in her mind so that she would have to choose? She wasn't ready for that, besides, the first option that they would abandon would be Suna- not that Kozu wanted to, Suna was a very nice guy and fit in just fine between the three of them. Kimiko was very close to him, but he wasn't even part of the equation- that only left Kuroo and Kozu, and he definitely didn't say anything. Sure, he felt jealous of the others at times, but… his love for Kimiko and her happiness was stronger.
He accepted the others, they had a set pace and a firm agreement that no matter what, Kimiko came first. They wouldn't pressure her or put her in a position that would force her to choose- after all, she had enough on her plate and they didn't want to force her hand. They seemed to be perfectly fine with the way they were going now- at least, it seemed like it was. Was Kuroo not satisfied? Why did he specifically close off Kozu, not him and Suna? It was all so confusing, it didn't make any sense at all; Kozu had even been considering keeping what they had going in the long term, seeing as when the four of them were together she was the safest, the happiest. "What did she say?" Kuroo asks softly from beside him and Kozu presses his lips tightly together, feeling the bitterness as he glares at Kuroo. "Don't you already know?" He spits, seeming to catch Kuroo off guard and confuse him. "Don't act dumb, Kuroo. I know what you did." Kozu says, Kuroo freezing as Kozu storms out the back word without another word. Kuroo was left confused- what had he said? What had he done to hurt Kimiko like this? Why was Kozu so bitter? Did Kimiko tell him that he proposed? Was it hurting her?
"Here you go." I say, giving the prom paperwork to Xavier as he looks over me. "You've been crying, haven't you?" He asks, gently brushing his thumb under the bottom of my eye and making my cheeks burn. "Yeah… it's been a long week." I admit softly, Xavier humming as he tucks the paperwork into his bag. "Wanna get out for a little bit?" He asks, offering me a charming smile as I hum softly, fiddling with my fingers. "I… I'd like that, but I don't want to be a bother." I say, though Xavier gently takes my hand and pulls my chin to look up at him. "Don't be silly, Ma belle poussière d'étoile. You would never be a bother to me." He says and a lump forms in my throat as I swallow thickly- at least I wasn't a bother to someone. "Tell you what, I have a day off today. We can do whatever you want, just you, me and some much needed R&R. We can go to the park, we can go to the stalls, we can just walk around…" Xavier says as I glance back in the house- the others were eating breakfast, seeing as it was the next day. I could feel the tension from here, though everyone was staring at their plates, I knew they had been watching. "I… yeah." I whisper, dropping my gaze and taking a deep breath.
"I think I could use some time away right now." I whisper, Xavier giving me a charming smile as he pats my shoulder. "I know, let's go dress shopping for prom. My treat; we can grab some breakfast while we're out, I know your favorite place is still open. We can go there, consider it a date." Xavier says, though it was loud enough that the others could hear. "Oh, um, sure. Okay." I say shyly, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "Oi, don't forget your inhaler this time. Take a jacket, too. It's gonna be windy." Gramps calls and I glance back, nodding my head. "Okay, thank you gramps. I'll be back, I'm going to grab a jacket." I say before I head back into the house, Xavier waiting in the front doorway as I slid into my room. I head to my closet, digging through and trying to find a proper jacket. I pull out a familiar red leather jacket, sliding it on and pulling my hair out before I walk over to my desk to grab my inhaler. "Are you doing this on purpose?" Suna asks softly as he pins me to the desk, putting his hands on either side of me. "Huh? What are you talking about?" I ask, turning to look back at him- he seemed like his usual self, though I could see something deep in his eyes.
Suna doesn't say anything, just looking me over as I was genuinely confused as to what he meant. "Going on dates, disappearing for hours on end with him, being so distant and…" Suna says and I raise an eyebrow, slowly turning to look up at him. "Suna, I really don't understand what you're talking about." I ask as he sucks in a deep breath, ticking his jaw to the side. "Have you fucked him?" He asks and I shake my head, furrowing my eyebrows. "No, I haven't done it with anyone since we've done it, with the exception of Judas." I say and he blows out a breath, pressing his lips together. "I knew it, something's been bothering you. What is it?" I ask though he turns away, dropping his gaze. "It's nothing… But are you really going to prom with him?" He asks and I slowly blink, tilting my head. "Suna… this is my hometown, this is my old life. When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of going to prom. It's always been a thing I've wanted to do; In Japan… I wouldn't experience this, I'd be left out. Xavier is just giving me a chance and helping me out. If you want to go, I'm sure you can find someone to ask. Arthur can even help you find someone to go with." I say and Suna's eyes find mine as he grimaces.
"I-" He starts though my room door opens, cutting him off as Xavier steps in, turning to me. "Hey, I was wondering what was taking so long. Are you ready to go, ma belle poussière d'étoile?" He asks, flashing me a charming smile and making me smile. "Oh, yeah. We can talk later, Suna. You can ask Arthur about that if you want." I say, grabbing my inhaler and sliding out from his arms. "Wait." He says, grabbing my hand and squeezing it lightly- I look up at his eyes, seeing hurt and confusion in his eyes. "Hey, if we want to get your favorite breakfast, we should be going now. Their menu is about to change." Xavier says, tapping his watch as I glance between the two. Suna opens his mouth and nothing comes out, furrowing his eyebrows. He shuts his mouth, pressing his lips together and letting go of my hand. "We'll talk… later." He whispers and I slowly nod, though Xavier takes my hand and pulls me away before I can say anything. "Come on! We've got a date, plus we've got to plan our matching prom outfits; we gotta win prom king and queen, after all. The ideal image of any perfect american couple; Ah, the american dream." Xavier laughs as he drags me out of the front door, making me laugh.
The front door closes, Suna slowly stepping out of Kimiko's room with his gaze on the front door. "Arthur?" He asks, drawing the boys attention as he hums. "Can you get hold of Judas?" Suna says, Arthur humming affirmatively as he looks over the boy. He didn't look particularly upset- unlike Kuroo and Kozu, who seemed to hold a tension between them since last night. "What for?" Arthur asks, Suna turning his attention back to the blond haired boy. "Can you also potentially find me a date to that prom?" Suna asks, catching Arthur off guard as he raises an eyebrow. "Uh… sure…" Arthur mumbles, pulling out his phone and making a call to Judas. Suna wasn't going to admit it- but he was jealous, he was really jealous. He wasn't the only one, Kuroo and Kozu were also jealous, but they had their own things going on, specifically the current conflict in their friendship. They didn't know it was a misunderstanding, but neither of them were talking to each other- Kozu didn't talk because he was so upset, Kuroo because he didn't want to pressure his friend into talking to him about the subject. Suna however didn't know how to deal with the feeling of his jealousy, he had never felt jealous before.
About an hour later they were all packed into the Mustang, Kozu in the front seat, Judas driving, Arthur in the middle seat, Suna on his left and Kuroo on his right. They were parked in front of a shop, watching inside- Kimiko was trying on dresses and Xavier was trying on suits, both of them laughing. Everyone felt bitter- the mustang was full of tension, though Suna was blatantly glaring at Xavier as they both tried on outfit after outfit. He lays his head back against the headrest, blowing out a breath and closing his eyes- he wanted Kimiko back. He wanted to storm in there and drag her away, to claim her as his and tell Xavier to fuck off and suck his own dick. He didn't really care for the whole prom thing, he didn't see why it was such a big deal to Kimiko. It was just a bunch of horny teens going to dance and lose their virginities, right? He didn't even want to consider what Kimiko and Xavier might be doing after that prom date, but he sure as hell hoped they wouldn't be going home together. He wanted Kimiko's attention back, he wanted her to be possessive with him- she had been so distant and flighty since they got to america, though they weren't sure if she knew it- but Xavier was pretty obvious.
His intentions were blatant, he was staking his claim on the girl; it royally pissed the trio -and Judas- off. Of course, Judas knew Xavier the best and she knew that Kimiko had a crush on him when they were all younger. Xavier was always like this when it came to Kimiko- in fact, he often confronted Judas about her following them. She wouldn't lie, Xavier was her rival when it came to their love- she was the complete opposite of him, the only thing they had in common was their fit bodies, tight training regimen and combat capabilities. Other than that, they were complete opposites of the regimen. Judas took a little satisfaction knowing that she had been the first one to have sex with her, though she wouldn't be telling Xavier that. She knew exactly how he'd react- okay, not true, she didn't know exactly what he'd do, but she knew he'd feel threatened and probably act on it. It wasn't like he was dangerous or anything, his affection towards the girl was genuine and he never lifted a finger against her. Judas's bitterness was completely based on his actions, how he would shove Kimiko in her face, saying Kimiko would always choose him in the end- Judas would be happy with anyone but.
"Stupid ass motherfucking bitch face mcgee, look at him being so cocky." Judas mutters as he turns to the window, flashing Judas a wink and a cocky grin. He knew they were there, though Kimiko seemed oblivious- she was in the fitting room at the moment. "God, literally anybody but him would be okay. He's just so… I don't even know. He's so toxic when it comes to competition." Judas grumbles, kicking back and glaring at Xavier as he turns back to the fitting room. "You're just mad that he always shoves her in your face." Arthur mumbles, though his mind wasn't occupied by the girl- he was on his phone, idly scrolling through as he wondered if it was really okay to approach Kuroo. Kimiko said it was okay, but… "Oh my god, that dress." Judas breaths, everyone's eyes darting over to the girl as she steps out from behind that curtain. It was a form fitting red, deep V-neck, backless flowing dress made of silk with intricate lace decorations. Xavier held his hand out, Kimiko laying hers in it as he guided her to do a spin, the lace on the ground twirling fluidly. The boys all suck in a breath at her absolute beauty, a bright smile spreading over her face as he dips her down.
He places his hand on the small of her back, his other hand grabbing her thigh as he pulls it up to his hip- he twists his body so that he blocks their vision of the girl, though his head dips down in an obvious fashion. They stay like that for a while, the trio and Judas's blood boiling as they all glare at that back. They were all pissed and jealous- how could they not be? He was totally doing it on purpose, he knew that they were here. "Can you find me a date to that prom, too?" Judas says, catching Arthur's attention as he perks up. "Huh? Oh, yeah, sure." Arthur says, focusing back on his phone instead of his thoughts. Xavier finally pulls Kimiko back up, both of them smiling a sweet smile- her face was bright red. "I think you should find one for all of us." Kuroo mumbles, Arthur glancing up at him before slowly nodding. "Actually, you know what? Let's just ask the black. They can get us the paperwork." Judas says, turning on the car and beginning to drive away. "Hey, wait-" Kozu says, turning to try and keep looking in the shop though Judas shakes her head. "He's getting off on us being there, trust me. It'll get worse if we stay." Judas says, the others falling silent.
"Thank you, Xavier. I had a lot of fun." I say as he walks me back up to my porch, flashing me his charming smile. "It's no problem at all, ma belle poussière d'étoile. I'd do it again anytime if it meant keeping that beautiful smile on your face." He says as he gives me the paperwork for the dress we chose. "Yeah… It's nice to escape and have fun sometimes." I say, tucking the paper safely away and sighing softly. "I know you've been stressing, ma belle poussière d'étoile. It's okay to come to me if you want to escape or relax; you know I'll be here to distract you and make you smile." Xavier says softly, smiling at me as he gently strokes my cheek, smiling at me. "After all… seeing you be happy is the best thing I can wish for." Xavier says, making me smile sweetly at him as he takes my hand, lifting it to his lips. "Don't stress too much, okay? You don't want wrinkles for prom." He asks, flashing me a big grin and making me giggle. "I'll do my best." I say and he gently kisses my hand as I hear a car pull up. "I better get going, I plan on letting True Beauty and Dark Chocolate run the pasture together." Xavier says, stroking his thumb over the back of my palm as he leans over and kisses my cheek.
"Okay, give her a treat for me." I say and he pulls away, smiling widely at me as we hear the car doors open. "Of course, nothing less for you ma belle poussière d'étoile." He chuckles as he pulls away, bowing politely before turning to the sidewalk. The trio, Arthur and Judas were walking up, though the trio and Judas were giving Xavier funky looks. "Oh, I almost forgot." Xavier says as he turns back to me, a subtle smile on his face. He jogs back up the stairs, wrapping his arm around my waist and dipping me back slightly, putting his lips to my ear. "I'll for sure see you tomorrow, ma belle poussière d'étoile." He says, kissing my cheek and making me giggle at his usual antics. "See you tomorrow, Xavier." I say as he pulls me back up to my feet, grinning widely. "The longest wait I'll ever have, I'm sure of it." He says, making me laugh as he winks, pulling away. He whistles a happy tune as he strolls away, though the others glare after him. "Is something wrong, guys?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at them as Arthur strolls past me and opens the door. "It's just Xavier and his usual teasing antics." He says as I slowly nod, following behind him and heading to my room to put the paperwork away for now.
"So, how was it? That took a while and it doesn't seem like you got the fruits of your labors." Arthur asks as I take the paperwork and put it into my desk. "It was fine, we're getting the dress altered a bit and I'll pick it up tomorrow." I say, Arthur humming as he leans in the doorway. "How about we take you? Everyone's going to get their outfits so they can attend prom too; the trio, Judas and I." Arthur says and I perk up, offering him a smile. "Everyone is going? It's gonna be so much fun- ah, but the car will be full with everyone so… I'll go with Xavier. We had plans afterwards, anyway." I say, Arthur humming and peeking out of the door. I hear someone whispering and Arthur pops his head back in, raising an eyebrow at me. "Plans?" He asks and I hum, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear as I sit on my bed. "Yeah, he's going to take me out for a surprise. He said to make sure my day was clear tomorrow." I say, Arthur humming as I grab one of the books I had started reading. "What about the vlog?" Arthur asks and I purse my lips, looking up at him as I hum. "Can it wait till after prom? We'll have a topic to discuss then." I say and Arthur nods before leaves, pulling the door shut.
I stepped out of the room for dinner, walking over and taking my seat- everyone was already sitting down, the trio, Judas and Arthur filling out the prom paperwork- well, Judas and Arthur were helping the boys as they couldn't understand the english. "Hey, Kitten, what does this say?" Kuroo asks, dragging his pen under a line. "I don't have my reading glasses, but if it's the same as mine it says that you have to behave, dress appropriately, must be under 21 and you can't be under the influence of anything when you attend. You sign and date here so they know you read the rules. It looks like your date already filled the rest out for you." I say, tapping on two different lines as he hums, nodding and lifting his pen. "Um… do I sign my name in english or japanese?" He asks, seeming genuinely confused as I snort. "English, probably. They taught you that, right?" I ask and he itches the back of his neck, giving me a sheepish smile. "I've never been very good at it." He says and I hum, holding out my hand to him. He gives me his pen and I pull my sleeve back, writing his name on my wrist. "There, write it like this." I say, showing my wrist- he seems pleasantly surprised, taking the pen and signing.
"Oh, and for the date, it goes month, date and year. Not date, month and year." I say, Kuroo nodding as he glances back at my wrist, double checking to make sure he got it right. "Can you show me mine?" Kozu asks, offering me his pen as I him, taking the pen and writing his name down on my wrist- I also right down Suna's name down, just in case. "This one's yours, this one's Suna's." I say, showing them my wrist and pointing at their respective names as I give Kozu back his pen. "I mean, not like we just read the whole thing to you and showed you how to sign it… but okay." Arthur snorts as the two sign their names, though the table falls back into an awkward silence. The house phone rings, my grandpa softly nudging my shoulder and nodding his head towards the entryway. I slide out of my chair, walking over to the house phone and picking it up. "Hello, this is the Hayato residence." I say as I put it to my ear, glancing at the caller ID. I'm guessing dinner is pretty awkward. It was Xavier- I can't help but crack a smile as I tilt my head, humming affirmatively. "Yes, yes it is." I giggle softly, Xavier chuckling on the other side of his phone- I heard the light crunch of something on his end, like steps.
Sounds like you need to be rescued. He says and I hum, fiddling lightly with the cord of the phone. "Mm. It's not that bad." I admit and he hums softly, the crunching stopping. I hear something tap upstairs, drawing my attention up to the terrace. Oops, my hand slipped. He says, making me giggle as I nibble my bottom lip. You sure you don't want to escape for a bit? I can take you to dinner, my treat. "I think you've been treating me a bit too much." I say, though I was very tempted. It's better than an awkward family dinner, right? He says and I blow out a breath, looking up at the ceiling. Come on… I got impatient to see you again. He says, making me smile as I drop my head down. "Fine. Give me a second." I say before I hang up, heading to my room and grabbing my jacket and inhaler from earlier. I head to the stairs, pausing at the foot of them and glancing at my grandpa. "Go on, but be careful." He says and I nod, jogging up the stairs and to the terrace and closing the doors behind me. I peek off, seeing Xavier grin up at me as I carefully scale my way down the trellis, minding my grandma's plants. "Come on, let's go." Xavier chuckles as he takes my hand, dashing around the house and away.
"He didn't!" I gasp as we leisurely stroll up to my house, Xavier grinning at me. "Oh, but he did. He very much did- and we all laughed very hard when we came across him buried under all the books." He says, making me laugh as I imagine Xavier's coworker buried under books. "Oh, that's terrible! Tell me you helped him." I say, Xavier chuckling as he looks ahead. "I did, teasing him the entire time for being buried head first in literature." Xavier chuckles, making me laugh heartily as we round the back of the house. "He's fine though, but I think he has a newfound respect for the power of books." Xavier chimes, making me laugh even harder as we round to the back of the house. "Another one bites the dust, huh? The pen is mightier than the sword and all that?" I joke, making Xavier laugh heartily as we arrive at the back door. "I guess so, considering he was almost flattened." He says, both of us laughing as we both stop at the back door. I turn back to him, an easy smile on my face as he shoves his hands back in his pockets. "It's good to have you back, ma belle poussière d'étoile." He whispers softly, making me smile as I brush a strand of hair behind my ear, my cheeks burning lightly.
"It's good to be back, even if only for a little bit. I missed this, hanging out and just being us." I say softly and he offers me a charming smile, taking my hand and gently stroking his thumb over the back of my palm. "I missed it more than you; goodness knows America just hasn't been the same without you. I've been worried, last I heard you and Japan hadn't been mixing too well." He says, making me smile as I shake my head. "No, well, it was hard to fit in at first but… now I have a lot of great friends, I've met a lot of nice, great and very helpful people and made so many wonderful friends… many amazing things have happened in this past year alone, it's just been keeping me so busy." I admit, gently brushing a strand of hair behind my ear as I slowly walk over to the bench, taking a seat. "But… I don't know. A whole lot of bad things have been happening too, I've been hurt a lot- emotionally, mentally and physically. It gets really tiring sometimes, you know? I mean, it seems like the happier I get, the more the world tries to bring me down. The punches just keep coming, getting heavier with each hit… it's just all so very exhausting." I admit, Xavier coming to sit beside me as I look out at the yard.
"The man came back, but my friends saved me from him. Akira got better, my mom met someone… but my ex was being toxic and getting me down. My friend got cheated on and found a nice rebound, my other friend got pregnant. It reminded me of Ray… Arthur and I almost died, but again we got saved. I also got kidnapped with two little girls and almost ended up dying trying to save them but… I found out that people loved me and I was saved again. Like, they really love me- and it makes me really happy, it does. Then Arthur and I got hit by a car because of my toxic ex and just… it's been a whole lot for one person you know? This has been the happiest and saddest year of my life. I've got so much stress piling up, happiness and emotions coming right with them…" I say as I lightly kick the swing back and forth, Xavier just listening quietly. "It's all been so much to deal with. Sometimes I just want a break from it all you know? Especially since… well, I think it's going to get a lot worse. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to be happy like I want to be, I don't think I'll have the opportunity to be truly free… and I don't know what to do. I don't." I say, slowly looking up and taking a deep breath.
"And I'm not sure I deserve to be happy. All the bad I've done, all the things I've experienced… it all points to me being a horrible person when all I've ever wanted was to be a good, honest to God person. But trouble always finds me, it always brings me down and it always just… it gets me down, you know?" I say, dropping my gaze down to the grass and blowing out a breath. "More than anything… I want to be happy. I want to be happy with Nen, I want to be happy with my friends… after all, I spent the majority of my life thinking that I'd always end up alone, that in the end… no matter what I did, how close people were and how hard I fought… I'd end up alone. Utterly and entirely alone, no one but me, myself and I. Sure, the people would be there, but they have their own lives, they'll find their own paths and I'll just… be set alone on mine. I want to walk the path with them, I want to have them by my side and I want to have a happy family life with them but… that's a lot to ask for, isn't it? So I just end up hoping and dreaming that maybe, maybe somehow, someway… that I'll get a little peace, a little slice of happiness." I say, my chest beginning to ache as a lump forms in my throat.
"But… in the end… it doesn't even matter. The end doesn't change, it's already set and I can't change that. It's just fate; I have no idea what life has in store for me. All I know is… I have to let go. I have to give up on my hopes and dreams, because it's becoming painfully obvious that no matter how much I want it, no matter how much I crave it, my own happiness, my dream… it's just not going to happen. I have to make that choice, I have to let go, I have to accept my fate… I have to let go of the precious pieces of my heart, I have to let my dreams shatter before my eyes and leave me broken again- because that's how it's going to end. I'll have to let go of my heart that I've trusted, that I've let open up… and I'll have to see it shatter all over again, right before my eyes. There is no happy ending for me. There is just an ending, and the end will come. A painful one, one where I let go of everything that ever made me happy, that I loved and that loved me… but… I just want everyone to be happy. Even if that means I'm left behind, that I'm left the unhappiest fool alive, alone and forgotten. But at least… at least they'll be happy." I say, Xavier slowly wrapping his arm around me as I start to cry.
"I want to be selfish. I really do. I want to be so selfish, I want to scream and cry, I want to beg and plead… I want to fight with everything I've got… but how can I ask them to give that? How can I ask them to betray their own hearts, how can I ever live knowing that they could have happier lives, that they despise me because I asked for too much? I want nothing more in my life to be together, to be with them, to love and be loved by them… I am at my highest, my happiest when I'm surrounded by the love and support of my friends and family… without them, I am just nothing. But I can't ask them for that, I can't force them to give me that… I can only greedily accept what I am given and wait for the inevitable ending where I am left with nothing but a selfish desire for more. I have to let go, that day is getting closer, I know it… I know that I have to let go and watch my life and dreams fall apart." I croak, sniffing as I sob softly, curling into a ball. "But I really fucking want it! I do! I want to be so selfish, I want to know that it's okay to ask for that! I want to be happy, I want to live my life with them, to be happy and free with them without them hating me!" I sob, Xavier pulling me into his side and shushing me.
"I just want to be happy! I want to be free! I want to love, I want to be loved- I want more of those happy moments with them, I want them all! I want them for the rest of my life and more! I feel fucking horrible for it, I do! I know I can't have that, I know- and it fucking hurts so bad that in the end, I'll have to choose- and I'll have to choose my own downfall, the demise of my own heart. I'll suffer that alone, that immeasurable pain of knowing what I could have had, what I could have been, and I'll know that they're better off without me. I'll be left alone, just as fate decided for me. In the end, it is always pain- pain of what I had, what I have and what I could have. Even the most happiest memories will become bitter reminders in the end… it doesn't fucking matter, that I deserve the pain and suffering that has always seemed to cling to me. I am alone, even now… I will forever and always be alone." I sob, Xavier taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out. "I… don't know what to say… shouldn't you just enjoy it while you can?" Xavier asks and I shake my head, letting out a choked sob. "I have to let go… or else, I never will." I sob, Xavier falling silent as I just cry.
Kuroo was sitting quietly on the terrace, curled in a ball and quietly crying. He wanted nothing more than to go down there and offer her comfort, to tell her that he would make her hopes and dreams a reality. He wanted to kick Xavier for not offering her comfort when she was obviously in so much pain and emotional duress- she needed comfort, but he couldn't give it. If she knew he heard that, if she knew he knew she was hurting… would she push him away? Kuroo didn't know what to do or say- but he fucking hurt. He hurt a whole lot for her- he had been there by coincidence, looking out of the telescope again when he heard the two laughing. He had immediately ducked down and hid, not wanting to be caught; and then she started talking. Kuroo was glad at a little peek inside of her head but… he never really realized just how much was going on in there. She thought the trio wanted her to themselves, that they didn't want to share- and it was tearing her apart, slowly but surely. She was half wrong, half right; sure, they wanted her to themselves, they had been able to share her this long- but long term? Especially with this tenseness between him and Kozu that he couldn't understand?
Is this what Kimiko told Kozu, that had him bitter against Kuroo? 'Don't you already know?' 'Don't act dumb, Kuroo. I know what you did.'... Was this all because he proposed to her? 'I realized that you all want me to yourselves. I can't marry all of you… I can't expect all of you to accommodate me. Saying no will hurt you… saying yes could hurt the others. If I knew for a fact that everything would work out, hypothetically speaking, I would say yes in a heartbeat. But I don't know that and I can't say that… at least, I can't say it now. I can hope, I can dream, I can wish… but I can't give you an answer yet.' were her words… had she been thinking of all the chances, all the opportunities and outcomes if she said yes this entire time? When she had been so stressed out that she hadn't taken care of herself and ended up getting sick, was it because she was so worked up over his proposal? She had cried so much when he proposed… it broke his heart then and it was breaking his heart now. He wanted to make it alright, he wanted to make it okay, he wanted to tell her he would find a way to make this all work. Her happiness came first, after all- even if it broke his heart in the end.
The next morning I reluctantly trudge out from my bed and take a shower, heading to the kitchen table. I felt tired, I felt stressed, I felt exhausted- I hadn't slept well last night, but I still had plans. "Morning, Sleepyhead." Grandma says, setting a plate of food in front of me- I reluctantly began eating, knowing I needed something in my system, even if I needed to shove it down. Grams and gramps share a knowing look before grams slips out, heading to the guest house. "You okay, Kiddo?" He asks and I shrug, pushing my food around as I chew. "I'll be fine." I mumble and take another bite, leaving us in silence as he hums softly. "Okay hun, if you wanna chat…" he says and I nod, keeping my gaze on my plate. I knew my eyes were red, that I had bags under my eyes and that my face was puffy. I'd take care of it before prom, but right now I just felt like straight shit and I didn't want to deal with it. "Just stupid emotions." I mumble and he chuckles, nodding his head as he gently pats my shoulder. "Don't worry too much, sweetheart." He says and I nod my head, swallowing my bite and taking another. I slowly chew, not to break up the food in my mouth but because I can't bring myself to swallow it.
The back door opens and I glance up, seeing the trio come in with Arthur behind them- he looked pretty worn out, too. "You look like shit." Arthur croaks, making me snort as I drop my gaze to my plate. "You're one to talk." I mumble as everyone takes their seats, my grandma beginning to make plates. "I wasn't the one that stayed out with my crush late last night; did he do something?" He asks and I shake my head reluctantly swallowing my bite and pushing my food around. "It was fine." I mumble, Arthur humming as my grams place plates down in front of everyone. "Is it-" Arthur tries though I give him a look and he falls silent. "Don't worry about it, Arthur. You do you, I'll deal with me." I say and he drops his gaze, pressing his lips together. "I'll be just fine." I say- once again, it was a lie, but at least it sounds more convincing than last time. I hold my fork over my plate, not even bothering to gather myself another bite. I couldn't eat anymore, two bites was all I got and I already felt like I was going to throw up. "Hey, um-" Kuroo says, slowly reaching for my hand though the ring of the doorbell cuts him off. "I got it." I say, sliding out of my chair without even looking back and walking over to the door.
I open it up and I'm startled when I'm met with a colorful arrangement of baby bells, morning breaths, carnations and roses. "Good morning, ma belle poussière d'étoile." Xavier says, offering me a charming smile as he peeks out from behind the flowers. "These are for you, a beauty for an even greater beauty." He says, offering me the bouquet and I smile, unable to help the bubbly laugh that escapes me as I take them. "Thank you, this is the second time anyone's ever gotten me flowers: the other time it was just a rose." I chime, nuzzling my head into the flowers and taking a deep breath, feeling the relaxing smell of the floral arrangement. "A shame, you deserve many more flowers." He says, making me smile as my grandma comes over. "Here, I'll put them in a vase for you, Hun. Oh they're all so beautiful." She chimes and I give her the flowers as I turn back to Xavier. "Well, as much as I'd love to doddle, I do have a busy day planned for us. You'll want to bring your inhaler, a jacket and the paperwork for your dress. If you happen to have it here, you should bring your riding outfit." He says and I nod, heading to my room and gathering the things he said, including my horseback outfit.
Kuroo blew out a breath, scrubbing his hands over his face and letting his head hang. She totally dodged him there, it wasn't the first time either. Was she completely avoiding him on purpose? It seemed like everything was fine two days ago, no, everything was fine two days ago- right until that fight, after that coffee date she had with Xavier. "What the fuck did you tell her, Arthur?" Kuroo says, looking up at Arthur as he realizes that Arthur had probably told her what had been bothering him. "Oh… uh… I… uh…" Arthur says, completely caught off guard as he clears his throat. "Is this funk of hers of your doing, boy? Don't you dare lie to me." Eiji says, folding his newspaper and setting it up the side. He turns a stern look to Arthur, twining his fingers together as the younger swallows thickly. "Don't think I didn't notice you glaring at her when no one was looking. I ought to give you a lick or two for it… now, speak." Eiji says in a no-nonsense no-bullshit tone as Arthur deflates. "Yes… at least, it's part of the reason…" Arthur mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck and sighing. "But I can't say what, at least, not out loud. Not yet." Arthur mumbles, Eiji slowly nodding and pressing his lips together.
"Whatever it is, it's hurting her real bad, innit?" Eiji asks and Arthur deflates, dropping his gaze. "I… yes. It's hurting her a whole fucking lot… I asked her for something… she feels obligated to give it to me, I know it… but I haven't been able to talk to her about it because she just keeps telling me to take it, to not worry about her." Arthur says, leaving everyone confused as they have no idea what he means. "But it doesn't feel right to take it, no matter how much I want it… especially since she's giving it without a second thought, even if it's breaking her heart to give." Arthur mumbles, sliding out of his chair and heading out the back door. Kuroo follows before he can even think about it, the others staying behind as the two sit on the porch swing. "I figured you'd follow." Arthur snorts softly, twining his fingers and staring at the ground. Kuroo just sits quietly next to him, not knowing what to say or do- but he remembers that Kimiko had been crying on this bench last night. "What did you ask her for?" He asks- Kimiko hadn't mentioned Arthur asking for anything. "I asked her for you, Kuroo. I asked her for a chance with you." Arthur admits quietly, completely catching Kuroo off guard.
"You what?" He asks rather loudly, turning to Arthur with his eyebrows furrowed- perhaps he hadn't heard him right? "You heard me right, Kuroo." Arthur asks, Kuroo slowly blinking as he looks down at the ground. "Arthur- no. I'm really sorry, but just… no." Kuroo says, scrubbing his hand over his face as Arthur presses his trembling lips together. "Yeah, I kinda knew that." Arthur mumbles, feeling a frog form in his throat as tears gather in his eyes. "Look, I love Kimiko with all of my heart- literally, I love her with all of my heart and soul, with every single cell of my body. I couldn't, I literally just can't-" Kuroo sighs and Arthur lets out a soft sob, making Kuroo fall silent. "You think I don't know? I tried to hide it, I tried to keep it down- I know, I fucking know okay. But she was hurting, you told me to tell her- so I did, and now she's hurting more and it's my fault. She's playing it off, but it's literally tearing her apart and I can't take it back- and she'll be dodging you, encouraging me and keep hurting herself because she's giving up a piece of her heart, too." Arthur says, though Kimiko's words from last night click in Kuroo's head, finally making sense- she wasn't upset with Kuroo's proposal at all.
She was upset with what Arthur said- she felt like she had to give up Kuroo for the sake of Arthur, that she had to say goodbye to him, to make a choice between her happiness and his. It was really hurting her, tearing her apart to the point where she felt like her life would never be happy- the thought made Kuroo happy, but it made him really fucking sad too. Deep down in her heart, she wanted to be selfish, she wanted to fight with everything she had for Kuroo- 'I want nothing more in my life to be together, to be with them, to love and be loved by them… I am at my highest, my happiest when I'm surrounded by the love and support of my friends and family… without them, I am just nothing.' Her words then, were they directed at him? Had she been speaking honestly from her heart when she said them, did she really want a life together? Was he her strength? Did she feel like nothing without him? Sure, he could be putting words in her mouth but… the thought filled him with happiness. Kuroo stood from the swing, walking inside and walking straight up to Kozu. "We need to talk." Kuroo says, knowing that he needed his friend on this- "No, we don't." Kozu says- oh, the tension between them was still there.
"Oh, yeah. He totally did, straight to his face- I swear, I thought I would die on the spot." I say as we walk to the dress shop, Xavier laughing heartily. "No, he didn't! Oh my gosh, I can imagine the look on your face." Xavier says and I mimic the completely astonished look on my face. "Yes! That!" Xavier laughs, making me laugh as I nod my head. "He didn't even know any better! As soon as I told him it was a bad word, he apologized. He's really such a good boy, but he really surprises me sometimes." I say, Xavier humming as he opens the door to the shop for me, wrapping his arm around my waist. "Oh, I'm sure he is." He says simply, though I hear a loud squeal as I turn to the source. "My queen! Look, look! What do you think of my dress? Suna asked me out to prom! What do you think?" Alexis says as she gives me a twirl, showing off the fluffy red tulle dress with a lace top. "It looks wonderful, Alexis." I say, though Xavier raises an eyebrow as we look over the others; the black were all dressed in deep red dresses and suits, though each one was designed a bit differently- wow, they all looked so nice. "Red? Why red?" Xavier asks, Alexis shrugging as she points over to Judas.
"Judas suggested the Hellraisers wear matching colors! I thought it'd be neat!" Alexis chimes, Judas flashing Xavier a smug grin as she shows off her own red dress- a plunge neckline with a lace top and a flowing skirt, a split for the leg. "What do you think, My Queen?" She asks, doing a slow spin as I offer her a smile. "As beautiful as ever, my pet." I say and she flashes me a big smile as her cheeks turn pink. "I see… Judas proposed it, did she?" Xavier mumbles, squeezing his arm slightly tighter around my waist and pulling me into his side. "Well, we only stopped in to get ma belle poussière d'étoile's dress; I'm afraid we have to get back to our date, we have a full day planned ahead of us seeing as Prom is tomorrow." Xavier says before he guides me over to the checkout, not giving me any time to speak. "Hello, dress for Hayato?" Xavier says, placing down the paperwork as the lady nods, heading into the back. I glance at the others, seeing Kuroo stepping out of the dressing room- a black dress shirt, a black tie, a burgundy vest and a matching burgundy suit jacket and pants. He was adjusting the cufflinks as he stepped out, looking very much professional- and very much sexy.
Kozu was the next to step out- a white dress shirt, a gold tie, a similar shade of burgundy vest and a matching suit jacket and pants. He was pulling his hair back into a short ponytail, revealing his undercut- damn, he looked really nice too. Was I drooling? Suna was the last to step out- a white dress shirt, a burgundy tie, a black vest and a matching burgundy suit jacket and pants. He was pulling the jacket snug around his frame, looking very much dignified and- yeah, I was fucking drooling. I quickly swallow it down, my face burning as my body feels hot, quickly turning away from the scene. Damn, those three in those suits? God, it did something to me- shit, if Kuroo had on his glasses too? Oh, oh- if Suna had on a fedora maybe? I glanced back- Kozu looked very fine with his hair pulled up, wearing that suit. My legs feel weak, very much aroused at the sight of all three of them- I lightly slap my cheeks, turning my gaze back to the counter. Okay, so that was a weakness of mine, apparently. I mean, judging from the squealing of the girls, they were also melting their panties off over there. "Your dress, Madam." The lady says, passing me my bagged dress which I gladly take.
"Thank you, madam. Were you able to get the shoes as well?" I ask and she nods, reaching under the desk and grabbing a box from beneath. "Yes, size 5 I do believe?" She says, opening the box and revealing a beautiful pair of burgundy pointed toe heels that matched my dress with a metallic gold heel with intricate vine and leaf designs. "Perfect, thank you so much." I say, admiring the heels as she offers me a big smile. "Do you want to try them on first?" Xavier says, taking one of the shoes and offering me a charming smile. "Huh? Oh, sure." I say and he kneels down, cupping the back of my ankle and gently pulling my foot up. I let him take it, holding my balance as he slides off my sneaker and sock, sliding on the heel. He grins, lifting it to his lips and kissing it softly before he smiles up at me. "Absolutely beautiful, you're doing these shoes a favor by wearing them." Xavier says, making me blush as he gently strokes my calves. "I only hope they're as comfortable for you as they are arousing to me." Xavier purrs and I feel my face burn like it was on fire. "Xavier! Oh my gosh- what?! We're in public!" I squeak louder than I had intended too, but he had caught me off guard.
"Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Maybe it's best you keep them off for now, they're too tempting." Xavier chuckles, pulling the heel off and putting my sock and shoe back on. I cover my face, feeling really embarrassed as the sales lady giggles. I can't believe he actually said that, I mean, it was the first time he flirted with me- though it wasn't arousing or anything, it actually made me the tiniest bit uncomfortable. No, my arousal was completely and utterly focused on the three boys on the other side of the store, looking very much appetizing with their form fitting suits- being flirted and complemented by the black. I felt kind of jealous- though judging by the funky glare they were giving Xavier, I had no place to feel that way. I didn't exactly want to reprimand the black for being so nice and courteous to the others anyway, especially since they were their prom dates. It was important they got to know their date the best they could so they could enjoy it anyway."Let's take these to your place and then we can go on our date." Xavier says, flashing me a smile as he hands me the dress shoes which were now in a bag. "Oh, sure." I say as he wraps his arm around my waist, guiding me out of the store.
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