章 1: Dec. 1, 2020

My mom is a roller-coaster. She can be angry, furious, kind, sad, happy, sweet. But when I make a small mistake, she makes me feel like I failed a million paper essay. Then at the end of the day I go to bed with her since I am still afraid of the dark. ;-; I cover my face with the blanket and sleep to the very edge, almost falling off the bed and softly sing to myself. I sing sad songs on the radio and weep softly not wanting her to hear me. I feel I am just not worth this world anymore. I have a hard lump in my throat while I am writing this, tears forming in my eyes. No matter how hard I swallow it will not go away. This is just half of the story. When I make an even bigger mistake like failing my social studies test I want to kill my self. My mom gets so furious. She starts breaking things, yelling at me and my dad, and hitting me with a stick. It is hard to explain. I mean it is like my mistake, not hers. So why is she mad? I want to commit suicide. This one time I got really close and went up to the kitchen and took the knife from the draw. Luckily I stopped myself just before I could do anything harsh. But to keep myself from doing these things I needed to feel the pain some way...so I just started doing self harm. I scratch my hands and forearms, making them into claw marks like a cats. I don't stop there, I claw at them till they start bleeding, turn red, and I fall asleep soon after. In the morning while I take a shower I turn the water up high and hot and furthermore burn my arms. Then I lay on the bathroom floor sobbing my eyes out but keeping my voice low. I am a very emotional person, I can't stop crying when I get something wrong. I can't stand up to my parents and I hate writing about them here. It breaks my heart. That's it.....I broke down. I am sobbing to myself right now and shaking furiously. In the morning when my parents ask what happened to my arms, I lie and say I scratched it on the wooden headboards of my bed.