章 136: Surviving (1)
1.
The Black Dragon Master stared at me.
"You went around calling him the 2nd-year loser of Shinseo High School or whatever, Kim Gongja. Thanks to you, some weird stuff is happening in our class…"
The Black Dragon Master's eyes held deep contempt.
But this contempt was short-lived. The Black Dragon Master frowned for a moment before her face returned to its previously expressionless state. It was as though her own feelings made her tired. Even a sigh would not look as expressionless as that face.
"…Forget it. I don't even want to talk to you about this. Just talking about it makes me feel bad. Dammit! I would have gone to a different high school if I knew there'd be bullying here."
"You're the class president. You're responsible for what happens in the class."
"So what? Are you trying to say it's my fault?"
The Black Dragon Master's tone dripped with sarcasm.
"How amazing. I heard that you've been hanging out with ■■ lately and meeting other students one after the other. [Kim Gongja repented. Kim Gongja has changed.] Even the teachers were complimenting you in the staff room. Good for you."
There was a cold sneer on the Black Dragon Master's face.
"It must be nice to have it easy like you. It's fine to hurt someone as long as you apologize afterwards, right? Forgive me because I apologized a lot, and then it's over. Everything I did wrong was a mistake. The hurt I inflicted was just a joke."
"...."
"And even that should only happen once or twice. But can you say that your whole life was a mistake or a joke? If you stop making jokes or mistakes, will you get ill? Do you think the world is a dump that accepts your mistakes and that people as trashcans to receive your jokes? Sick bastards. Scum…"
She dropped it. The Black Dragon Master closed her lips.
Once again, she stopped just before her emotions became too intense. The Black Dragon Master looked down at her shoes like she was nervous. Since coming to the rooftop, she hadn't looked at the Constellation Killer even once.
"Class President."
"…Don't do this to me," muttered the Black Dragon Master. "Don't bring me to a place like this with ■■. You're trying to make me apologize or admit that I did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. You're the one who did…"
"You don't think so."
"...."
When the Constellation Killer committed suicide in the last trauma, the school desperately turned a blind eye. The class used all kinds of tricks and methods to overlook the [incident].
『He sent that sort of text. Wasn't he really crazy?』
『That's right. In retrospect, he's always been a little weird.』
The Constellation Killer was crazy. He was a weirdo.
We, on the other hand, were 'normal.'
Perhaps we sent a text like that to the Constellation Killer as a mean joke. But it was only a joke. It was just a brief deviation from the norm. Everyone made jokes and slipped sometimes, so we were still normal.
Maybe we made fun of the Constellation Killer once. But that was a mistake. We didn't mean it. We didn't do it on purpose—we were just swept up into the atmosphere and laughed with the others. We did nothing wrong.
『Think carefully about what's important to you and pull yourself together.』
『Yes, teacher.』
And so, the class pushed one of our classmates aside.
Even death or suicide hadn't been able to awaken our guilt.
+
The one that murdered me was you.
Don't forget.
You killed me.
+
Except for one person.
The Black Dragon Master was the only one who didn't say, "Yes, teacher." She said nothing,
only bowed her head without a word.
"Seriously, don't do this to me…"
One single bystander remained silent while numerous perpetrators stood proudly.
"I did my best. I tried to stop it when I was a first-year. Dammit."
And there were hundreds of reasons why someone might remain silent.
"Because of you guys, I decided to do some investigating… Did you know? This school is affiliated with Seryun University. There are 10 board members. And among them, Kim Gongja, is your girlfriend's parents. You didn't know, I bet. You didn't even know that, but you just bullied ■■ like it was natural, right? Even the President of the Seryun Presbyterian Church is on the board. That's my family's church! We attend every weekend!"
The Black Dragon Master covered her forehead with her hand.
"Why did I have to learn all of this because of the shit that you guys did?! Just… don't do so much, please. I'm a second-year now, too… I sleep for four or five hours a day because of studying. I'm busy. I entered the school as a scholarship student just like ■■… I don't know how you guys can just laugh and enjoy your school life!"
Ill will was easy.
"I don't know if you harass others without thinking, but!"
Goodwill was impossible.
"I was so desperate! This school has a fucking scholarship committee, and our oh-go-great homeroom teacher is there as the second-year students' head! You didn't know that, did you? I bet you don't even need to know. I—damn—I mentioned ■■ to our homeroom teacher and… Please. Stop it. I don't want to know this! It's all disgusting. You, our homeroom teacher, the school, everything… I'm busy with my own life, so take care of things yourselves!"
"Sorry."
One reason was enough to commit an act of ill will.
But you needed hundreds of reasons for goodwill.
"Sorry? Ha. How sorry are you, really? No. Fuck. It's too late. Don't apologize to me. Don't you dare apologize, Kim Gongja. I don't need an apology, and I don't deserve an apology. And you don't deserve to apologize. You're trash. Just die as trash. Live as trash until the day you die. I'm begging you, never cross my path after we graduate."
"I'm sorry."
"I said don't apologize, you trash bastard!"
The Black Dragon Master kicked my shin. Creak. My bones rattled slightly. Then, she huffed and slapped me in the face.
Violence like curses continued.
I let the Black Dragon Master do what she wanted to my body and said, "This boy. He tried to commit suicide."
The Black Dragon Master's hands stopped.
"He would have jumped a month ago. From this very spot."
Silence descended upon the rooftop.
"...."
The Black Dragon Master turned her head.
It was only then that she looked at the Constellation Killer for the first time.
Her mouth opened and closed a few times, but no sound came out.
"Is this…true?"
She was stiff.
Like it was difficult for her to talk to the person in front of him.
"You tried to die…?"
She spoke carefully.
The Constellation Killer looked at the Black Dragon Master with a blank expression.
"That's right."
"...."
"I don't know how Kim Gongja knew, but he's right. I tried to die."
"...."
"I had no idea that that was what you were thinking, Class President."
The rooftop became silent once again.
Slowly.
The Black Dragon Master covered her face with both hands.
"I'm not sorry…"
A quiet sob leaked through her fingers.
"I don't feel sorry for you. It's just… When I was a first-year, I accidentally found out about the school's Board of Directors. I gave up because I thought nothing would come of it even if I revealed everything. During our second year, I tried to talk to our homeroom teacher, but I gave up in the end. I'm just that kind of person. Please remember me as that kind of person."
"...."
"But, don't die. Don't die… Why must you? You can't die. You can't die because of trash. You can't, ■■. You have to live. Yeah? If you live, you can get into a good university, make money, and get out of this godforsaken city…"
"I thought about that too," muttered the Constellation Killer. "But I thought that these bastards would forget."
"...."
"I thought that they would live well while pretending that nothing ever happened. No, I don't think they'd even remember. I hated that the most. I wanted to spite these bastards. Since they'd forget it anyway…"
The Constellation Killer looked at the Black Dragon Master.
"I'm sorry, Class President."
"...."
"I wasn't trying to hurt someone like you."
The Black Dragon Master fell to her knees. She held her breath, her face covered. She clenched her teeth and tried to hold back any sounds. The force of her silence caused the Black Dragon Master's shoulder to shake.
The Constellation Killer opened his mouth.
"There was someone."
He bent his knees.
"I didn't think there'd be anyone."
Lower.
Until he was the same height as the Black Dragon Master.
"I'm glad that I didn't die a month ago."
The Constellation Killer slowly wrapped his arms around the Black Dragon Master's shoulders. The Black Dragon Master flinched. The Constellation Killer leaned his head a bit closer to the Black Dragon Master.
"I'm glad there was even a single person who was worth my forgiveness."
"...."
"I'm so glad."
The Black Dragon Master stopped holding her breath. She broke down. The Black Dragon Master couldn't hug the Constellation Killer. She just remained kneeling, letting out the cries that tore out from her heart. The Constellation Killer hugged his classmate as she did.
"I'm sorry…"
The Black Dragon Master's body began to crumble away.
"I'm sorry, ■■. Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry."
But it was just her skin that melted into shadows. She did not become a specter.
The Black Dragon Master, whose face melted off to reveal someone else, cried out, "Don't die. Please. I'm begging you… You have to live."
It was the face of someone I knew.
And it was a voice I heard from somewhere.
"You can live. We can live. We can live better lives. You have to live, ■■. I'll try a little harder, and because I'll try harder, together let's…"
[The degree of the trauma's implementation is decreasing.]
The iron door to the rooftop was being devoured by the Void.
Black fog slowly crept through the cracks on the iron door like tentacles. Soundlessly, they grabbed the iron door.
Then, they swallowed it.
The void, which had devoured the fifth floor, climbed up the school wall and flowed onto the fence of the roof.
"No one cares about you. No one, nobody, not one of them… You can't die because of those beasts. You have to live. You can't let them ruin your life. Struggle and survive, study, yeah? Enter university, and… Go to another city."
I could see the person beneath the Black Dragon Master's skin.
"Let's live for all the unfortunate children…"
At that moment.
"Let's make time for children who are less fortunate than us. We can do it. I know we can. I'll help you… I, I did a lot of research. I studied. It isn't some dumb dream. If we really try, we can—"
Something cut into my back.
"—first, go to the Department of Social Welfare. I need a license."
An electric current surged in my head.
"To live here, to survive in the world, we have to be strong. ■■. You have to surround yourself in armor so that other people won't look down on you or bother you. Let's study together. I'll help you… I can help you."
Ahh.
"What university you go to, what qualifications you have… They might seem useless right now, but you can do a lot more with it than without it. We can do what we want to do. it's power. We have to become strong first."
Ah.
"Let's help the children together. On my own… It would be difficult. Yeah. I might not be able to bear it. I might scar the children. But with the two of us. Three. If four people join in, we can do anything. We'll be able to do anything."
Director.
"Let's work hard…"
The director of my orphanage.
"This world is not everything. It can't be. ■■. We can make a world. Small… Let's start small. We can make a world with just the two of us. Please don't die… Together. Let's live in a different world together…."
The young director's face.
『Don't.』
『You haven't done anything wrong.』
His voice overlapped with the director's long tired voice.
Now that I thought about it, the director had always been too wary about showing that he loved us.
『Don't get twisted because of a guy like me.』
He always seemed afraid.
"...."
The Constellation Killer stroked the young director's head.
"I don't think we can make much money."
"We won't make much…"
"It seems like it'll be hard."
"It'll be really hard…"
"However, I think it would be better than now."
The Constellation Killer smiled.
"I haven't been studying since the second semester of our first year. It'll be a bit tough."
"It's all right. It's not too late. Right now, it's not too late for anything."
"Yeah. Class President. In this world…"
[The degree of the trauma's implementation is decreasing.]
"Let's survive together."
[The data cannot be recovered.]
The rooftop collapsed.
The school melted.
And the bell announcing the dismissal rang.
[Trauma implementation has ended.]
The possibilities and what-ifs were swallowed by the black Void. Even the Constellation Killer's smile. Even the director's childhood, which I never knew about. Even the two classmates, one crying and one smiling.
The past.
The time of the failed past. The regret. The remorse.
[Confirming that the subject's psyche is maintained.]
It all disappeared.
[The penalty is ending.]
The world was immersed in noise.
■.
■,
■,
■.
I opened my eyes.
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