章 5: Chapter 5 : The Old Oak Tree
Dallas POV
My mind kept racing. Pacing up and down the hallways of my brain. Like one of those run sequencing in a Scooby doo cartoon. In one door and out one a few doors down. I think about that show a lot. It was one of Daniel’s favorites. He said it was because he liked how they were all different and had their own quirks, but they still worked perfectly together. I have no idea how the hell he got that from a cartoon show about a bunch of teenagers unmasking ‘super top secret’ villains. He would wake me up early every Saturday to watch it with him.
I can’t help but think back to those hallways while I walk the ones in school. Students always shuffling in and out, up and down. Everyone in their own little world. I watch them have their own little worlds. That’s my little world.
There it goes scurrying off again into the distance, my mind. I couldn’t reel it back in even if I tried. And I don’t. Try, I mean. It feels better this way. Like the piece of me that still feels can escape for a while.
I had always found biology one of those things you study out of morbid curiosity. The thought of cutting into a dead frog makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder who the first person was to think “I’m going to kill this animal and cut it open so I can study it.”
Isn’t hurting animals one of the main signs of psychopathy? Case in point, I guess.
I’m looking out of the window at my beloved oasis. The spot I will be visiting right after this class in my lunch period. That’s when I sense it. Those eyes. That gaze. I know that feeling. I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention. I give brooks a once over. He looks largely the same as yesterday. The bruise on his cheek calls to me again. It lighter this time, more yellow than purple. Its healing.
He notices the empty seat to my right and walks over to fill it. Setting his bag down next to him on the floor. I watch him, like I do with everyone. It’s different this time though. I’m usually watching for observation, this was curiosity. I’m not yet sure what its geared towards but I’m sure as hell going to find out.
“Hey.” His voice comes out quiet, just above a whisper. I return his smile with a grin pf my own. I don’t reply, but it lingers on my lips longer than usual. I turn my gaze back to the window; a few minutes goes by before Mr Novac enters the class. His class. His suit pants and matching blazer covering a navy button up shit. He sets his coffee mug down on his desk before sitting down waiting for the rooms chatter to fall to a hush.
“Alright everyone. We have a new student joining us today.” He gestured to the dark-haired boy next to me. Brooks stood up at his request. “This is Brooks. I trust you guys will give him a warm welcome.” Taking his seat again. A blush rose to his ears, tinting them a light red. A nervous smile overtook him as everyone in class looked to him briefly before returning to their worlds again.
Cellular biology.
The study of the structural and functional units of life. This is where you learn that your body is made out billions and trillions of microscopic soldiers.
Biology was the first place I felt shame for my cutting. When I found out that so many cells were doing their utmost best to keep me alive, and every time I ripped myself open I ruined their hard work.
All a cell cares about is moving forward. They provide structure. Multiply. Give energy. Multiply. And carry our genes so we can fuck, and multiply as well. That’s what it comes down to right? First our cells want to reach the never ending forever, immortality. Then when that doesn’t happen and we start to age, we look for the next best thing. Having kids. Leaving a mark. A legacy. The old ancient question.
If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is around to hear it, did it really fall? Did the tree ever even exist?
If a human doesn’t touch enough lives in their lifetime, when they die it’s like they were never alive at all. Would there be anyone at my funeral?
When all my cells decide to give up and can’t multiply anymore. Would anyone care?
‘I wouldn’t.’ A voice at the back of my head whispers to me out of nowhere. That voice visits me a lot. Always at the most inconvenient of times. Like when I’m in the kitchen and my eyes drift to the knives on the counter. ‘Why don’t you do it? No one’s watching.’ When I light a candle in my room. ‘It’ll only hurt for a second, but then you’ll feel so much better.’
Sometimes I take it’s advice. I give in to the temptation. I let it cradle me in its arms. I let it sing me a lullaby. I sleep the best after I feel the relief of seeing my own blood on my fingers.
It’s me against my cells. They want to live because it’s all they know. I want to die because of what I do know.
“Before we end off for today’s lesson, I want you to turn to the person next to you and say ‘hi’ to your new lab partner for the upcoming joint assignments.” Bitching, moaning and groaning can be heard all across the room, people contemplate their lives for the next few weeks. Brooks and I look at each other in sync.
“Hi” I smiled to him.
“Hi” He smiled back.
And with that the lesson ended, and my vacation would soon begin.
I moved at a fast pace trying to avoid and dodge people left and right. I think I only took a real breath after I sat down on the grass. I always did love the color green. So much so I wanted to paint my room in the leafy hue when I was little.
My back rested against the dark brown bark while I struggled with a math problem I was stuck on. Fuck math. In all honesty I’m convinced it’s not even actually real. It’s just a concept we as humans invented to put meaning to a universe we can’t understand. It’s as real as money. There’s virtual money in our pockets on our phones, while the actual money is kept somewhere else. And if someone robs that bank our money isn’t stolen it’s the banks money.
People have made the world so much more complicated than it ever needed to be.
“So, is this where you always hide out?” I look up so see an approaching Brooks, paper bag in hand and backpack on his shoulder. He looks amazing as the sun hits him, making his features glow. It’s like he’s some sort of angel in those renascence paintings.
“Um, yeah I suppose.” I say with amusement before going back to the block school paper, half destroyed from my constant need for an eraser.
“It’s nice.” He doesn’t sit right next to me, maybe a foot away. Looking over the soccer field just like I do. His back against the brown spikey bark just like me.
“You’re not having lunch?” He raises an eyebrow at me before taking a bite from his own sandwich. From what I can smell its peanut butter.
“Not hungry.” I shake my head, staring down the problem hard. Like maybe if I mean mug it hard enough the answer will somehow appear on the page like magic. Would that make me magic or the page? Both? I have no idea how long it’s been, but it must’ve been a hot minute because from beside me I hear…
“Do you want some help with that? You haven’t made any headway since I sat down.” He smiles at me. I expect some form of judgement, but it never comes. All there is, is an authentic want to help. Like he wants to help me.
He spends the rest of our lunch period teaching me calculus and helping me understand what the fuck a limit is. He’s actually really fucking smart. How the hell did he end up in such a crappy school like this? I’d say he’s got a real shot at one of those posh private schools.
We walk next to each other in silence after I thank him for his help. It wasn’t awkward or in need of conversation filling. It was a comfortable silence that needed no garnish or side dish to go with it.
We parted ways headed for our lockers in opposite directions.
“Bye” He smiled at me.
“Bye” I smiled back.
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