章 17: Missing Trail (2)

This cycle again. I don't want to go to school and meet him again. I want him to go away from my mind. No, don't ask me why I become like this. Because I don't know the answer of my feeling, it's just messed up. Alska has been eager to play with me since I'll be at home for the whole day. Well, I can't reject her plea, since I feel guilty for what I've done to her before.

I hold this small plastic cup of tea with my palm. She wants to have a tea party with Mrs. Branna, her favorite doll, and we have a new guest here. The dead kitten Diana gave to me. The kitten is already rotten, its head has been stitched. It's gruesome and painful to sit beside a dead kitten. Alska said she wants me to forgive her. She had mother sewed the head so that she can play with my gift.

I don't know whether I should be intrigued by that kitten carcass, or by the fact that Alska doesn't seem to understand the basic concept another of living being other than mother and I. However, I give up for doing anything after seeing Alska struggles to walk because of the wound. She walks with pain in her face.

She talks about so many things and sometimes cries when she sees the dead kitten. I spilled my tea when I hear that the doorbell ring loudly. I thought it's broken already. No one has ever touched that doorbell other than the police who visited this place. Alska and I stared at the door, and then the doorbell ring again. I ask Alska to hide inside her room with that dead kitten.

I peek from the curtain. I see a tall bald man, with formal attire and sour face. He has a pair of beautiful green eyes, just like mine. I immediately open the door and face this man I've waited for a long time.

He smiles at me with a forced crooked smile. "Good Morning, Andra."

"D—dad?" I ask unsure. He bows his head. "You seem in good condition."

I want to hug him and cries, a lot. But I'm still not sure. "Why are you here?"

"I need to talk to your mother."

"Why are you here?"

"I need to talk to your mother. Now, where's she?"

"Why… are you here?"

"Andra! What the fuck! I said I want to talk to your mother! Now, where the fuck is that woman?" when he shouts at me, I take a few step back. "Okay, I'm sorry for being harsh. Just, where's your mother?"

"She… is not in here."

"Then, where is she right now?"

"Working at the hospital."

"Fine, I'll wait," he says with unpleasant tones, like a snob, he ignores me and enters the house. He sits on the couch and watches the TV. I follow him inside, but he seems to ignore my presence beside him.

"Dad, where is… Clara?" I ask him again. He chuckles.

"Don't call me dad. I'm not your dad anymore," He says it with unpleasant voice as if my memories with him were just nothing for the past 11 years. "About that woman, she had a miscarriage. She was in a heavy stress after we leave this home. Don't worry, I know you hate her, right? I already sent her back to her family."

Hearing Clara miscarriage makes me slightly happy. No woman should ever experience that misfortune. But it is Clara, the woman who ruined my family. Why should I feel sad for that?

"Why do you just stand in here? Don't your mother teach you manner?" I'm flustered when he says that. I look at him uncomfortably, not knowing what to do. "Idiot. Go make some coffee for me, I'm a guest here."

I follow his order to make some coffee. Little did he know, we haven't had any real visitor for years. I stare at the black coffee I just made. After seven years, I finally make something for him again, even if it is just a cup of coffee. But, he is different, very different than seven years ago. I see nothing in his eyes than dullness and anger. He doesn't even thank me when I place the cup on the table.

He drinks it, put it back and keep watching the TV. No praise has ever been spoken and it left disappointment in me. I stand beside him and staring at him again. He doesn't care about my presence and has no intention to start another conversation, so I try. "Dad…"

"I told you, don't call me dad! I'm not your dad anymore," he rolls his eyes and sips his coffee again, "Just call me Lennard."

'But… we're tied by blood. You are my dad…'

"Where do you live now?" I ask without any 'dad' in it. I can't call him by name since he still has my respect. Also, we are tied by blood, something that is forever.

"Why do you want to know? So you can run away and go to my house?"

I want to say yes, but I guess his reaction wouldn't be as grateful as I am. So I say nothing, waiting for him to give me a real answer. He doesn't. He doesn't give me an address about his home now. I get nothing but few cold gazes from him. Maybe my presence beside him is unpleasant.

After a while, he asks me again when will mother come back home, and I say in the evening. He looks very impatient, but it seems that he is the one in need. So he just bears with it. "Big Andra!" I immediately turn my head to my sister. A shudder crawls in my back when I glance at dad, and I see anger and disgust.

I approach my sister and pat her head. "Are you hungry? I will make dinner later. You can go back to your room," I instruct. Alska doesn't hear me, she's mesmerized when she sees a stranger sitting on the couch. She ignores me, go inside her room and pick few dolls. She dashes to dad and put all of the dolls on the couch.

"Big Uncle, let's play! You can have these dolls!" Alska jumps to the couch. All the pain in her body is seemingly gone in an instant when we have a new visitor. I swallow my anxiety that keeps surfacing because dad doesn't look happy when Alska hands her a kitten doll. He doesn't take it, even though Alska keeps giving him the doll. "Do you want another doll? I have many! Oh, I want a tea party!"

"Andra, get this flea away from me."

"Alska… you can play inside you room…" I take her doll one by one, but she snatches it from my hand. "No! I want to play with this uncle!" she pouts and ignores me again. It hurts to see, Alska doesn't know how much this uncle hates her existence.

Dad is tormented, his face is unpleasant to look at. Alska keeps nagging with hope that she has a new friend to play the doll with. "Play with yourself, kid," says dad, but Alska doesn't understand, she keeps handing the doll and putting it in dad's lap. She introduces the dolls name to dad. However, no matter how much Alska tries, his face says it all.

He throws all the dolls in his lap to the floor. I watch in horror when Alska throws a tantrum at him and start hitting him with her tiny hand. "Bad uncle, bad uncle!"

I rush to get Alska to her room, but it is too late. I see dad slaps her face. Alska falls to the ground, her left cheek is red because he hits her too hard. Mortified, Alska stares at dad with tears starts rolling down. "This imbecile kid is what she got for fucking with trash."

"What are you doing!? She just wants to play!" I hold Alska's hand to help her. Her hand is cold and trembling. Alska hides behind my back. She grips my shirt tightly. Dad gets up from the couch. He looks down upon us as if we're just small bug. I'm lying if I say that I'm not scared. He raises his hand, but he just clenches it in the air and takes a deep sigh. He sits on the couch again.

"It's fortunate good that I left you and your mother. Less bullshit need to deal with," says dad coldly. "Besides, I don't want to see your imbecile sister every day," he chuckles after that as if what he just said is funny. I grit my teeth together.

"Can't you just accept Alska? Just give her a smile, maybe," I say. Please, I want to prove that I still have my old dad, how am I suppose to live without having a single person who loved me.

"Why should I? I never loved you and your mother after all, why should I love that child too?" he states it clearly with nothing but satisfaction in his voice. It's the same feeling as what he did to me when he said to Clara that I'm just a mistake. My heart sinks into a pit of emptiness. What's the point of my waiting if he doesn't even love his child? It is all a waste, every bit of hope that I have is just a stupid wish.

Suddenly, my phone rings with a message from mother.

'Who's inside?'

I type one word to make sure it is also my goodbye, Lennard'

"Who did you text just now?" asks Lennard. I also answer it clearly with nothing but anger in my voice. "Mother."

"When will she—" he stops speaking when the front door is opened. Mother is in her usual attire. She smiles and formally shakes dad's hand. "Good, you're here. Now, I don't need to be formal and shit to you, I come here for my document. I think I still have so many things left in here."

"Asset? I still have all of it, two or three assets are under your name," replies mother. I see her nail twitching like crazy, but she cleverly hides it every time it starts twitching.

"Good, I need all of it, now!" says Lennard. It is more of a demand than a request.

"Why the rush? We can sit and enjoy a little chat. First, I need to know why do you come after seven years? You can always take it years before," mother grins, her intends is to smile, but it comes out as a malicious grin. Her question seems to upset Lennard.

"That's not important! I need my document, and I will go!"

"Why did you shout just now? Is it because you are financially incapable now?"

"I told you, it's not your problem! You fucking slut!" Lennard begins spouting random cursing words to mother. To her satisfaction, mother looks very satisfied. She tries to hold her giggle. "I've waited years for this," mother tries to kicks Lennar. But Lennard pushes mother easily and look down at her with anger. He slaps mother hard. He holds her shoulder and slaps her again twice. "Is this what you're waiting for, your death? I would gladly give that to you, slut."

Lennard chokes mother slowly. Mother retaliates, but with his big hands, mother is unable to do anything. Mother tries to reach me, her hands flails around. I don't know what should I do. But deep down, I want mother to die, even though it's the hand of her ex-husband.

"Look, even your daughter doesn't love you! You're just a leech in my life, sucked my dad's dick for food, fucked my life and trapped me for years. I lived in hell because of you," Lennard tightens his grip on her neck. Mother's face becomes blue, and I start to worry. "No one loves you, you shallow bitch."

I can't hold it. I run and push Lennard as strong as I can. He releases his grip from mother's neck. She inhales a lot of air and cough repeatedly. Lennard turns against me. He grabs my hair rough and slaps me hard. I feel numb after that slap. It hurts more when I understand. There is no love inside him. He doesn't love me, nor he loves mother. It hurts more than just a slap.

While Lennard is busy with me, mother takes out her pocketknife and stabs Lennard in the shoulder three times. Lennard falls with the pain in his shoulder. Then, mother kicks his nuts with heel. "Andra, it's your choice, take the knife in the kitchen or not," says mother.

I look at Lennard who tries to kill me before. This is not my dad. He will never hurt me. He will always protect me. I walk slowly to the kitchen, take the usual knife and give it mother. Yes, I did it consciously. Mother pins Lennard who is still in pain, "Now, Darling, Let's end this."

"W—wait, we can forget all of this!? Please don't hurt me, I won't take my asset back! I will leave now, I swear!" Lennard starts crying like a kid. I look at him with pity. No, I pitied myself for placing my hope in him, dreaming for him to help me from this hell.

"Oh Lennard, look at yourself now. Why did you do this to us?" asks mother. Her eyes weirdly start tearing. "I began to love you after Andra was born, and I thought this marriage could work after that. But you never looked at us, it's just you and only you. All you did is messing with another woman. I waited years for you to come and love me, but you never did." For eighteen years of my life, I finally hear mother telling something I've always want from her. She loved him.

"Alenna, you?"

"No, don't say anything. You're too late," Mother hold the knife in her right hand, aiming for his heart. "Goodbye, Lennard." With a single stab in his chest, the mother ends it all. She wipes the tears she hasn't shed for years. Her eyes glitter beautifully, she looks at me as a truly happy person. She smiles sincerely. "Thank you, Andra."

I can't answer that. Because deep down, I know this is wrong. But I did the right thing for all of us. I want to erase all the hope I give to him for seven years. I don't want to live like an idiot searching for hope.

"Now, don't worry about him. I will take care of him and his car outside. You don't need to worry," says mother, reverting to her usual demeanor after that emotional breakdown. I nod. I made the right choice.

'I did the right thing.'