章 127: No thanks
No, no, no, this can't be happening.
Besides, the reason the two of them went out on this damn journey was so that they'd stay away from me. Why the fuck…
You sent the fucking letter!
You!
Damn it!
I slammed my door open. How I got here, I had no idea. I fell on my bed, not even bothering to lock the door.
"Something wrong dude?" Gerar said, from the window.
"Remember that Southerner, I came in with?"
"Yeah?"
"Probably dead."
"Sucks."
"Yeah."
"You okay?"
"Not really," my voice shivered as I struggled to answer. Throat a little dry, I was squeaking, desperately trying to suppress the sob.
My eyes leaked, drenching my bedsheet, yet I couldn't… damn it! I punched my bed, but… what good was it doing?
What good was I doing?
While I was here, studying, living… they were dying. They were dying for my sake. They were… dying.
For…
Me.
Hic! A sob leaked out. Everything else leaked out along with it; blurry with snot and tears. Fuck!
"It's okay dude," Gerar patted my back.
"How? They're dead… because of me."
"Why would they be dead because of you? Did you kill them?"
"I might as well have…"
"Last I checked, you were a savior. You saved all of us, even me. You didn't kill anyone Sol. And I'm damn sure that those people you're talking about, they don't hold you accountable either."
"But I- I can't… I can't forgive myself."
And then what? Not forgive myself, and then what!?
What did I have; what in the actual fuck was I even doing with my life?
The number one problem of my life was the church. They were going to hunt me because I was contracted with a lizard spirit and didn't have any talents. But all of a sudden that lizard turned out to be a deity and I could now use magic, and that meant I was no longer a hunting object for the church. Meaning, the whole run away to save your son's life wasn't valid.
But so what? I still valued the cult and it didn't even occur to me that I could now go to Lin without completing this thing and protect her instead!
I could go back home. Lin, Den, we could live together… and be home again.
Why the fuck was I so… stupid?
Why didn't I just think… why didn't I just think before sending that letter?
No, the results probably would have been the same. Even if I'd sent a letter suggesting she come here, the same would have happened. The ship would have sunk.
I didn't know anything about the world, so suggesting I go find her, was out of the question. Even so… I kind of just wanted to leave now, and find her and-
"Look, I get it that you blame yourself. I won't tell you not to. It's your life, blame yourself till you die. But what I will tell you, is that… it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes and if your mistake led someone else to die, instead of whining about it… repent."
"Repent?"
"Repent. You don't have to repent religiously. Find a way to repent by doing something good. Maybe you can't do any good for him. But you can still do good for the society. You can still serve the world. You can make it a better place for everyone; so people don't have to die like that person…."
I never shared my knowledge with the world. I had my reasons. But the primary one was the fact that I didn't want to influence this world too much. Part of why I didn't bother inventing the steam engine or similar stuff like that.
I could have made their lives better and easier but I chose not to. I chose to never influence them. Besides, it wasn't like I had extensive knowledge on those subjects anyway.
And I guess it finally came back to bite me for it. No, that was just me being stupid. Even if I had invented something, let's say a steamboat, then what? Would people of this world take it? Or would they just stick with their expensive magical devices?
I wasn't sold on the idea of repenting but Gerar was right, this wasn't the time to be sobbing. "I'll head to the harbor," I said. "How do I get there?"
"You'll have to take a stagecoach through Siran, to Slunten. Given your current status, I'm sure you won't have to worry about the border guards. But… I wouldn't recommend going there."
"I'm sorry, I'm not looking for recommendations right now; but thanks."
"Yeah, I know." Gerar gave me a hug. "These might just be words to you but… goodluck. Goodluck out there."
"Thanks Gerar. Goodluck with the introverted life. I know it's nice and all but, when it hurts… you're not alone. I may not be here but, I'll always be your friend."
"Thanks Sol. I know."
I started packing. I packed haphazardly. And I didn't bother thinking about the otherwise. I had nothing left here.
The duke no longer needed me; with his wife basically cured, he was probably looking for excuses to get rid of me. The Barack Family had been distant and lately I wasn't getting along with Shia all that well either. Mike was gone. Almost all the others who I chatted with, only chatted with me because of my fake status.
Frankly… I didn't have much here. Even after a year, I didn't feel at home. Hard to imagine, I felt different just a months ago. I guess that different feeling led to complacency and made me send that stupid later.
Huh… shit changes fast.
With my things mostly packed, I put the bag on my back and rushed out the door. Chamille was just outside.
"Where are you going?"
"Sun port."
"How will you go there?"
"I'll take a stagecoach."
"Money?"
"I have some."
"Map?"
"I have one."
"A guide?"
"I think I'm old enough to navigate the world just fine."
Chamille groaned. "Stop acting like that imbecile. You're not as charming."
The fuck was she even talking about? "You can't stop me."
"I know, but she can," she said. Shia was standing just behind her. I hadn't even noticed her.
"She can't either."
"Oh please," Shia grabbed my arm. "Look what I brought you?"
Honeycrisps. The good ones too. Must have been expensive.
"I'm really not in the mood for this Shia. I need to go. I need to find them."
"I'll come with you. Not like I have much to do this term anyway; it'll be fun, we can even drag along Alus."
"No thanks."
I walked past them, or attempted to, but since they were getting in my way, I walked to the opposite side. I'd be going through the girl's side, but I'm sure it didn't matter right now. I was going to leave this place anyway.
I did feel bad… but at the same time, this was something I had to do alone.
I had enough of dragging everyone in my shit.
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Nr_Yet1208
Nr_Yet1208 Revamping Patreon Tiers.
You can now download some books for free with the base tier and all available books with the gold tier. I plan on adding more books to the tiers in the future.
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