章 20: The First Step Towards Redemption
Steve had a terrible headache. He always felt bad after visiting Hannah, but this time he felt extremely sick. It wasn't because of the hangover he got after getting drunk yesterday, at least not totally. It was Mrs. Robson's words that made him feel like a truck had run over him.
"Do it for me, please. Do it for her, Steve. Start living for both of us. "
How could she say that? How could the mother of the girl who had been in a coma for three years because of him say such words? Did she really think that after what Steve had done to Hannah, he still had a right to any happiness on this world?
True, he did not do it on purpose. He wasn't driving that car. He didn't push her under his wheels. But it was he who made the girl in such a powerful shock that she had this tragic accident. If then ... If then he ...
Steve shook his head, wanting to dismiss those memories. It is said that time heals all wounds, but even after three years he could not calmly return to the events of that night. When he tried to do this, he felt so much pain in himself that he could not deal with it and reached for the closest available remedy - alcohol, violence, sex. Anything that kept him distracted from his memories was good. So he ran away into oblivion. Maybe he'll stop feeling anything eventually? Steve wished it would happen.
The guilt was crushing his heart and taking his breath away. It would have been easier for him to commit suicide, but he had no right to an easy solution. For what he did to Hannah, he had to pay until the last day of his natural life. It was his self-imposed penance.
Steve tried to remember what kind of man he was before the accident that stole Hannah's life? He couldn't do it anymore. That world and him from that world were so distant past that not even dust was left of it. It was only three years, but for him that time was like three eons.
However, he began to realize painfully that the punishment he had imposed on himself affected not only him. Others shouldn't pay for his mistakes. Immersed in his own world, he began to understand too late how destructive he was for others and how much he must apologize for. Some of the conversations that await him will be very difficult.
He decided to start with maybe not the easiest one, but certainly one of the less difficult. He took out the phone and sent a text to Anna asking for a meeting.
She replied ten minutes later inviting him to her office at the hotel. He was glad the surroundings would be formal. Maybe this is how he will avoid further mistakes?
Anna was the only daughter of the owner of three luxury hotels and one office building. One day she was supposed to take over her father's property, so she was already managing one of the hotels. She was young, beautiful, intelligent and rich, with a strong personality but good character. You could say she was perfect. She had only one weakness - she adored her fiancé, Karl Walton, whose weakness was Steve Paxton. Karl was the only link between them. Without him, the two would have nothing to do with each other.
Anna wore a white formal costume. Steve hoped he hadn't interrupted her work.
"Sit down, please," she pointed to the sofa and took her place in the chair herself.
"Thank you." He obediently sat down and twisted his fingers nervously. He had been preparing all the way for this conversation, but still had no idea where to start. Therefore he was silent for a long time. Anna, however, did not like to waste time.
"Are you here for the surveillance photos?" she asked. "You don't have to worry about them. We had a system failure that night ... "
"Enough!" he cut her off abruptly. "If Martin does prosecute, no evidence will be needed. I admit it myself. I'll try not to defile your hotel name. Actually, I came to apologize and say that I will move out. "
"Where to?"
"Does not matter. I've been troubling you for too long. "
"This is important," she insisted. "You know you live here not because of my love for you, but for Karl. I don't want him to worry about you. "
"Me neither. Actually ... I think too many people worry about me. "
"You know it's not unfounded."
"I know and I want to change that. I want to change myself. "
There was no reaction for a moment. Then Anna exhaled softly from her lungs. Did she hold her breath at his words?
"You surprised me," admitted Anna. "Why? Is it because of that boy? "
Steve flinched, but didn't show if Martin had anything to do with his decision.
"I was at Hannah's today. Her mother made me realize that my behavior influences others. She asked me to change. "
He didn't add what change she meant because it was not Anna's business. Anyway, he couldn't fulfill Mrs. Robson's request and start living a normal life. All he could do was start living a life of as little nonsense as possible for others, and now he was too much of it.
"I understand" Anna took note of this. Then, quite suddenly, she smiled. "I am happy to."
Her joy did not please him, because it made him painfully realize how horrible he had been an asshole and a burden. How many people have had to suffer from his moods and explosive temperament? If Anna, whom he had hardly dealt with, felt so relieved, how much pain and worries did he have to give to the people who were closer to him?
"Anna, I… I'm really sorry. For yesterday too. Especially for yesterday. "
"You do remember?" The woman shuddered as if ashamed. Here's another proof of how shameless human was Steve. To treat his friend's fiancée in this way, in front of his eyes!
If Paxton could give up his hand to wipe out yesterday's incident, he would. If he could go back in time and erase himself from Martin's life and memory, he would have given up a lot more. Unfortunately, time travel was impossible, so he will have to do his best to ease the pain he caused others keeping in mind that it will always be too little.
"I drink to not remember the past," he explained, "but I lose control under the influence of alcohol. I can't control myself, but then I remember what I did and to forget what a shit I was, I drink again. The circle is closed. But maybe if I face reality, instead of trying to forget it ... "
Only it wasn't easy. His voice trailed off as pain pierced his heart. Who wants to admit to themselves that they are a complete asshole? Even if he repeats it to himself endlessly, somewhere in his subconscious he will believe that it is a lie.
But Steve knew he was the worst of the worst the moment Hannah ran out of his room. His problem wasn't that he didn't believe he's an asshole. His problem was that he didn't believe he had any good in him. Therefore, his reality was black, sticky, and hot as tar that sticks to the sinner in Hell.
"Steve ..." Anna said suddenly softly. "I don't know what exactly happened that night, but I know you're not the only one with remorse. Karl said it was because of him ... "
"No!" he assured firmly but not aggressively, although it was in his habit. "Hannah's fate is solely my responsibility. Karl should finally understand that. I appreciate that he still wants to consider me a friend, that he is paying for Hannah's hospital stay, but we all know it's only his good heart. "
"You're the biggest idiot I know," Anna shook her head. "A good heart is not enough to be friends with an idiot like you."
Now it was he who smiled.
"Right? So don't worry, I'll try to slowly withdraw from Karl's private life. I don't want his sense of loyalty to an old friendship to spoil your current relationship. "
Steve got up. He had already said everything he wanted to tell her. It wasn't as difficult as he expected. He was able to say 'thank you' and 'sorry' and 'I will not stand in the way of your happiness'. Yes, that was pretty much all he needed to say to Anna.
"You're wrong" Anna got up too. She looked beautiful in her white suit. "Karl is your friend not out of pity or sentiment. Karl really loves you. "
'I know,' thought Steve, 'and that's where the problem lies, because he should love you.'
He just nodded at her as if to confirm that he understood her words. That should reassure her. In fact, Anna was a good woman who, out of love for a man, could tolerate even him.
There were many people in this world who, out of kindness of heart and character, tolerated his reprehensible behavior. One of them was Martin, the young mechanic Steve had treated so badly. Paxton knew he didn't deserve his forgiveness, that he couldn't even ask for it, but he owed the boy an apology. This conversation will not be as easy as talking to Anna.
But the sinner has to pay for his sins, and the harder his repentance is, the better.
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