章 21: CHAPTER 21
XAVIER'S POV
Staring at the ceiling as emptiness snuggled inside the home it had found in my mind, I wondered what Ophelia was doing.
I hope she wasn't upset. I hope she'd realized how much of a fuck up I was. She deserved better.
So much better.
Ophelia deserved the world and I was hell.
Sleep used to be my escape. But once the nightmares started, even sleep left me.
Somehow my mind, again, found its way back to Ophelia.
I remembered how she kissed me on my roof. Her soft lips touched mine as her body shook with nervousness. It was the cutest little peck and I sat there like an idiot.
What I wouldn't give to just go back in time and kiss her back. Tell her I liked her too. Apologize repeatedly for all my words that hurt.
But that would have been selfish of me. Nothing was consistent in my life except the thought of killing myself.
Control.
It was an addicting thing. Once you get it, you can't live without it.
It feels like hell.
The thought that just one cut, just a few pills would give me the control of my entire life.
A life I had no control over.
Ophelia didn't deserve someone this messed up.
She was one of the strongest people I'd met. I knew things with her mum were bad but she didn't give up.
Timing is a funny thing. A girl I like wants me but I don't want myself. Sometimes, you've just got to let time outrun you.
I checked my drawers for my sleeping pills and found them. I swallowed two with some water. I closed my eyes with just one thought in my head.
I hope Ophelia forgets me.
"Xavy! Xavy! Wake up, Xavy!"
I heard Olivia and Hazel enter my room. The sun shone brightly as I squinted my eyes. It was time to wake up and put up a nice fake smile.
Making people believe it was my talent. A talent I'd take to my grave.
In a few days.
"I'm up. I'm up. How are my pretty sisters, this morning?"
Hazel and Olivia were the best sisters someone could ask for. After a long day at school and then at the restaurant, their smiles lighten all that rests on my shoulders.
I wish I could be there as a good brother throughout their lives.
I kissed them both on their foreheads and got into the shower.
Today was one another day to push down that emptiness and put up a show. I had to stay away from Ophelia at any cost.
She wouldn't want to approach me anyway after yesterday. I felt the cold water seep into my hair. I loved this feeling I got when I stood under the shower. I felt all my problems wash away even though I knew they would never leave me.
My demons and I were intertwined. Like the weeds and a plant.
Sometimes, I become the weed.
I got out of the shower and got dressed. I saw my mum standing near the counter humming to her favorite song, Hey, that's no way to say goodbye and making pancakes for the twins.
I liked that song too. It talks about how love is found and lost so easily. But that's how the world works.
One second you are right there swimming in love and the next you are drowning in it.
"Morning Xavier honey, how is my son this morning?", my mum asked while ruffling my already uncombed hair.
I'm fine mom. Just planning how to end it.
"Morning ma, I'm good. How are your shoulders today?"
She has been complaining about her aching shoulders for the past few days.
"They're fine. Want some pancakes?"
I wasn't in the mood of eating so I just grabbed a sandwich for lunch. I wanted to leave early today. This way Ophelia and I wouldn't run into each other.
"Nah, mom. Thank you but I need to get to school early today."
"Okay, Xavier. Here take your lunch."
I hugged my mum goodbye and left for school. It took me 7 minutes every day to walk to school. I could take my mum's car but I liked walking to school. It gave me time to think in my cluttered mind.
I had gathered a good amount of money by working at that restaurant. This money could be used for the twin's schooling. This way, my mum would no longer have to fill in extra shifts.
As I got closer to my school, I felt that someone was following me. I could hear their footsteps, but every time I turned, I was the only one in the street.
Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. But then, I felt someone pat my back. I grew skeptical with each passing second. I turned my head slowly. My heart was beating fast; almost thumping in my chest.
But there was no one. As soon as I looked forward, a car came rushing past me almost hitting me.
My hand immediately went to my chest. I tried to calm down my racing heart by taking deep breaths.
I was ready to die but why did I freak out when death himself was knocking at my door?
I guess, you never truly overcome fear until you finally face it.
I took the back exit so I could avoid all chances of running into Ophelia. I plugged in my earphones and tried to act as antisocial as possible.
I mean, it's not like the people in my school are mean. I just don't want to enter people's lives to just exit in some time.
I looked at my feet and walked towards my first class. I had American history with Mr. Stevens. He was one of my favorite teachers. He reminded me of my father before he started drinking.
As I pass, the library, I hear someone call out my name. I look around but everyone was busy in their own world.
I finally turn towards my right and see Ophelia standing near the library. Her hand in the air, waving at me. She was making a fool of herself but she didn't seem to care.
Her silly smile lighting firecrackers in my quiet but chaotic heart. Her soft lips curved as her cheeks rose. The skin near her eyes crinkled as she called out for me once again.
Her eyes twinkled as she looked at someone as dull as me. I was surprised. Why would Ophelia still talk to me after all that I said yesterday?
I wanted to run to her and apologize. Tell her that she meant a lot to me. Tell her I was sorry for hurting her and kiss her back. But that would just be selfish of me.
I forced myself to look away. With all the little courage that was left in me, I walked away.
I walked away from all the light that was left in my world.
All the hope that I was ever going to get.
I walked away from my life.
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