章 5: Interlude. Awareness
— ...
It's too late.
I have to go home.
I'd like to take a bath, too.
12 hours in the grass.
Sounds so-so.
My path is illuminated by two light sources.
The sun and the moon.
The first one has not had time to go in yet, the second one has just appeared.
Although, there is no sense from the moon now.
My whole body itches. I'm covered in greenery and dirt.
Brr...
No problems with anything else though.
Nothing hurts.
The only thing that bothers me...
Feeling cold.
I can't put it down to the weather.
And to a sickness, too.
This is... something else.
It's too unnatural.
It looks like a black hole pulling heat out of the body. With stunning speed.
The remarkable thing is that it doesn't feel physical.
It's like a phantom headache.
The body does not react to it in any way.
If there is something like a soul...
...And if this soul has warmth...
...Then this cold drains it out of there.
Or maybe I'm just completely off the rails and making up all sorts of nonsense.
I can't rule it out.
I come home in deep thought.
Ignoring everything, I go to the bathroom.
Now I can relax a bit.
...
....
........
The water temperature is almost boiling.
And I'm still cold.
And it's hot.
Scalding hot.
Anything hotter and I'd burn myself.
This cold feels much stranger now.
...Is it really sucking the heat out of my soul?
It's like a slow bleeding.
I think...
I actually bled to death once.
This is recorded in a new memory section.
And this cold has a similar feeling.
— ...
I'm feeling a little sick.
I turn down the water temperature.
It should be better now.
I found out what I wanted.
It remains to be hoped that this freezing feeling will pass by itself.
I don't think there is a cure.
I don't think it's even detectable.
— ...The aura of death?
Sounds good.
Will go. Let's call it that.
There's one more thing left.
Time rewind.
— ...
Time rewind?
It sounds like something very delusional.
But...
I have no other explanation for what happened.
Yesterday was September 21st.
My parents and I died yesterday.
Today is August 31.
And it's not the first time.
This time period comes up too often in my mind.
It's basically the same thing, but some of the moments are different.
I think there are at least ten versions.
And in each one, I'm killed on the evening of September 21st.
That's never changed.
The methods have changed, but not the timing.
And every time I died, I came back here.
August 31st.
And the nightmares started today, too.
— Wait a minute...
...Nightmares?
Nightmares that completely repeat the day of my death?
Without any of the extra bullshit?
...
This is not nightmares.
My brain was just replaying fragments of my life.
As if trying to make me remember.
But each time I forgot.
For what reason?
Well, it's pretty obvious.
People don't just come back to life.
In fact, they don't come back to life at all.
How would a person who's risen from the dead feel?
Even though time has rewound, if the memory doesn't fade, we can say that the person has really risen.
What will he feel when he awakens?
Resurrection violates all the laws of nature.
The instinct of rebirth is not inherent in any creature.
It simply won't understand what happened.
There will be dissonance.
There's no telling what would happen to it.
But nothing good for sure.
Perhaps all these phantom sensations are the consequences of experienced death.
And this is beyond the understanding of current science.
It's happened to me several times.
Probably a hundred.
This part of my memory is a mess.
Memories are mixed up.
Now I can't say the exact number of deaths.
...
So.
Why did I forget about it?
Elementary.
To keep from going crazy.
Did it work out?
Not really.
And now in more detail.
Like all living beings, I don't have an instinct that tells me what to do when you suddenly resurrect.
But there is an advanced system of protection against unwanted influences. And memories.
People tend to forget things that are unpleasant to them.
Is death pleasant?
— ...
I think not.
The brain hid unpleasant information in the subconscious in order to keep my mental health intact.
And he was making progress in this...
Until today.
I guess I should commend it for its efforts.
It's just that my stubborn desire to remember turned out to be stronger. That's all.
That's why the nightmares.
I'm fine now, but something happened quite recently... paradoxical.
Something inexplicable and contradictory.
For twelve hours.
It seems that this is what all the defense mechanisms tried to protect my psyche from.
I'm still not able to figure out exactly what was going on there, but...
The fact that I am conscious now can only be called a miracle.
Now it seems to me that it is impossible to withstand this.
Even people with a stable psyche wouldn't last ten seconds.
And I was there for twelve hours...
Are there any words at all describing such a phantasmagoric phenomenon?
It's scary to admit it...
But, right now, I seem to be alright.
Should I give myself a medal for, uh, mental stability?
— This is something very strange...
So much has happened in such a short time...
I sighed heavily and put my hands on my chest.
A hot bath is relaxing...
— ...
Before each death, it seemed to me that everything was over.
To some extent, I was even glad of it.
Who would have thought that everything would turn out like this?
It's not over.
Everything is just beginning.
A new semester starts tomorrow.
I would like to spend it and all my school years in an ordinary way.
But it seems that this is not destined to come true.
— What a shitty life I have after all...
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