章 195: It’s A Promise
Qiu Ling was of half a mind to go over and sweep that person up into his arms. But before he could take a single step, he felt some wetness on his hand. He looked down and his mind went blank.
This … What was happening?
Somehow, he was greeted by his beloved's crying face. It really looked extremely pitiful. Big tears were rolling down his cheeks, his eyelashes trembled and his lower lip had actually started bleeding. He had obviously bitten down on it so as to not make a sound.
"My love!" Qiu Ling instantly let go of every notion of going over there. He wasn't dumb. That there might look like his beloved Jing He but it was still only an apparition his mind had conjured up based on the countless memories he had of him. It wasn't real. On the other hand, the boy next to him might not look like his Jing He but he still carried his soul. It was obvious what should have priority in this case!
Qiu Ling encircled Jing Yi in his arms but was unexpectedly met with resistance. Uh … What now?
"My love!", he cooed once again and grabbed the back of Jing Yi's head. Ignoring that the boy obviously wanted to escape from his arms he bent down and lightly kissed his cheeks, taking those tears away. "What are you crying for?", he asked gently while trying to peer into Jing Yi's eyes.
Jing Yi averted his face, though. "Why are you asking? Didn't you want to go over there?" He took a peek at Qiu Ling to see if he was looking over to that person again. Instead, he was met with the sight of Qiu Ling's eyes lighting up.
"Eh, my love, it couldn't be that you're jealous, could it?" Qiu Ling who had been panicking before because his beloved was crying in front of him suddenly experienced a mood swing. Ah, this was a great day! His beloved was actually jealous! This had to mean that he was very, very deeply in love with him! "My love!" He hugged Jing Yi closer, laughing happily.
Jing Yi didn't know what to think anymore. His tears stopped, too, and he only trembled a bit. It couldn't be that … he had misunderstood? He looked over there. That person was still there talking with the person in front of him, smiling gently. He was still the only one that could really be seen.
Jing Yi hugged Qiu Ling back and burrowed his head into his shoulder. "Who is he?"
Qiu Ling kissed his cheek. "You don't have to worry about that."
Jing Yi took his hands back at once and tried to shove Qiu Ling off. Naturally, he didn't budge. "Qiu Ling!"
Qiu Ling sighed and cupped Jing Yi's cheeks. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you cry. But … you really don't have to. I love you. I've said so before and I'll repeat it as long as you want to hear it and … maybe even a bit longer. I will always love you. From the moment I first saw you I knew that." He gripped Jing Yi's hand and put it over his heart once again. It was beating madly. Of course, that had also to do with seeing Jing He again.
Honestly, he couldn't deny that he missed him. That seemingly perfect person that had only recently started to show cracks in front of him. Thinking back to it now, that was probably what had attracted him to Jing He in the first place. The two of them … they were equally fake.
They both put on that artificial smile when they left their rooms in the morning and only stopped with that when they were sure they were alone again. Jing He even managed to spew some niceties when people talked to him. But nobody knew just how much they were hurting inside. It probably needed someone like them to recognize it. And maybe it also needed someone like them to finally let go of that mask.
Not that he had managed to do that.
Ah. Qiu Ling closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It felt like he suddenly understood. The reason he had been trapped in his inner self, it wasn't that he was supposed to feel guilty or find a way to make up for it. It was because even until now, as much as he loved Jing He, he still hadn't been able to confess to all these things. He hadn't been able to tell him his true feelings even after those ten years of chasing and finally getting him.
Because deep down he was still just as scared as he had been in the beginning. He feared that everyone may find out. He feared how people would look at him. He feared to lose him, that person most precious to him, that person that couldn't be lost under any circumstances.
How would he live should that person ever leave his side? But most likely Jing He wouldn't actually leave him. After all, hadn't he fallen in love in these ten years? His fear was irrational, it was downright dumb. But he still hadn't been able to do anything about it.
"Imagine you fell in love with someone …"
Jing Yi looked up at Qiu Ling's words. Hadn't he just been confessing his feelings? Why was he saying something like this now? Moreover … What was there to imagine? He had already fallen in love. He wanted to say something but Qiu Ling already took a trembling breath and continued.
"And then imagine that person loved you back but … there is something you haven't told him and you don't dare to tell him because you're afraid that that person would leave you if he knew?"
"You …" Jing Yi bit his lip again, tasting the blood that had already congregated there. "You're not saying that because I cried just now, are you?"
Qiu Ling looked at him and smiled but his smile was so sad that Jing Yi felt a pang in his own heart. "It's because of that, too. I feel like … Everything might be so much easier if I wasn't such a coward."
"You're not."
"You think that because I always wanted you to believe that." And not only in this life.
Jing Yi wanted to retort but then suddenly thought of how Qiu Ling had clung to him when he rejected him previously. Indeed. Maybe Qiu Ling wasn't as perfect as he had made him out to be. And maybe that was a problem. Wouldn't he feel weighed down by those expectations?
Jing Yi wiped the tears from his cheeks and grabbed Qiu Ling's shoulders. Forget about whoever that person is. There will be some kind of reason for how Qiu Ling reacted. But I shouldn't bother with this now. The most important thing is that I like him, isn't it? Why should I care about anything else?
"You don't have to be perfect. I … I love you, too. And I would do it all the same regardless of what is distressing you so much. You … can always talk to me."
Qiu Ling smiled and bent down, pecking Jing Yi's lips. He'd give everything to hear those words from Jing He. But how could he if he never said anything? As long as he pretended, Jing He would pretend with him, even if he knew the truth at heart.
Jing He has already dared to show some cracks. I should do, too. And this time of his in the mortal world … Can't that count as a time for me to try that, too? He doesn't remember the past here. It won't influence his decisions at all. And when we return, I can tell him everything.
He hugged Jing Yi to his chest and closed his eyes, silently sighing. Yes, when Jing He woke up again, he would tell him everything. Nothing would keep him from doing so.
クリエイターの想い 
yansusustories
yansusustories It feels like we were going a bit in a circle but finally, Qiu Ling resolved himself to face the truth. With Jing He. Is that a step in the right direction?
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