章 213: 43
Chapter forty three: When death is not an option.
"Hell yeah!" – talks.
'Art is a blast!' – thoughts.
"Know your role!" – Yamato/Rebellion.
"Katsu!" – demonic/jutsu.
...
Remains of Kumogakure no sato…
"Jabroni!"
"What?"
"Jabroni!"
"What?"
"JABRONI!"
"WHAT?"
"FUCK YOU!"
BANG.
BANG.
Kurenai slapped her face. "Will you two morons stop doing that?"
"He started it!" Naruto shouted, pointing at Alucard.
"No I didn't!" The vampire objected. "You called me a jabroni!"
"And it's damn true…"
BANG.
"Dah!" Naruto fell backwards and spat another bullet from his mouth. "Even if you fire twenty more bullets, it won't change the fact that you're a ja…"
BANG.
Alucard did fire another bullet… but then something happened. Hanabi suddenly appeared in the way and caught the bullet with her bare hand.
"That is enough." She said dangerously, dropping a piece of metal to the ground.
"Wow." Naruto commented sitting up. "How did you do that?"
Hanabi looked at him and tilted her head to the side. "I… I don't know. It all suddenly became so slow for me…"
Alucard's eyebrows shot up. "Time magic? How the hell could that happen?"
Naruto shrugged. "Beats me. Neither of us has that power, so it will be right to assume that Hanabi became something entirely different from both vampires and demons."
"Yet she drinks blood and has high speed regeneration…"
"True…"
"Hey! Stop talking as if I'm not here!" The former Hyuga complained. "Now get your ass from the ground and continue with the damn story."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "What fucking story?"
"About your time in the Netherworld." Kurenai explained.
Naruto smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. "Well, nothing much to tell…"
"How about meeting this guy?" Hanabi pointed her thumb at Alucard.
"Him? Met him on the internet. A site for poor souls seeking love…"
Two girls folded their arms.
"What?"
Glaring…
Fine, fine! Geez you girls are stubborn…"
"You made us this way." Kurenai said. "Now spill."
"Tch…"
Flashback…
Three days later. With Naruto…
"Ouch…" The blond demon muttered, getting up on his knees. "How long I was out?"
"Three days, pal." Yamato stated. "It's a wonder that no one has checked on us yet…"
"Fuck, my head is killing me…" Naruto grunted, massaging his temples. "What did you say again?"
The demon blade sighed. "No. One. Has. Found. You. Yet."
"Oh…" Naruto nodded and a small smile appeared on his face. "Take that you old motherfucker! Remind me to shove a Rasengan right up his ass next time I meet him."
"That won't be enough to kill him…"
"Of course not! But it sure as hell will be painful!" Naruto exclaimed, standing up shakily. "No one has found me yet…" He mumbled, looking around a completely devastated area. "I wonder why. Someone should hear it… someone might even see! Why?"
"Maybe that's exactly why?" Yamato asked.
"Huh?"
"Think about it, would you want to meet someone who can do something like this?"
"Hmm… I guess not…" Naruto massaged his jaw. "But it has been three days, I'm sure someone really curious would have checked it out… unless…"
"Unless what?"
"Baal, he's dead." Naruto stated. "We both know it… but is there any way the summons could learn about it too?"
"No, but…" Yamato paused. "The tower! Legends say that his tower was the manifestation of Supreme Overlord's power! I bet that when you killed him, his tower collapsed! That's how they learned, that's why they still won't check this area out! They think you have won and about to destroy them next!"
"Sounds logical…" Naruto stated.
"So, what are you gonna do?"
Silence.
"Naruto?"
"They think I have won, right?"
"I… I guess." Yamato responded.
"Well, they're in for one hell of a surprise… Because I died in the last explosion." The blond stated with a smirk.
"W-What?! But you…!"
"Shh, easy." Naruto interrupted, removing the sword from its scabbard. "I'm going to need your help…"
"Aren't you always?"
"Fuck you. But now you will do something for me." The Overlord said, stabbing his blade into the ground. "Seal the worlds off."
"What?! How can I do that if we both are here?!" Yamato shouted.
"Hmhmhmhmhm…" Naruto chuckled, turning around. "I'll see you back in the human world."
"Hey, where are you going?!" Yamato yelled after its master. "Get back here you ungrateful son of a bitch!"
Silence…
"Why me…?"
The Netherworld. Forbidden desert…
"Alright, here I am…" Naruto said, reappearing in a burst of flames. "If the memory is correct then this place is feared by both summons and demons. A perfect place for me to hide…"
He looked around the area. Sand, sand and more sand. Few rocks here and there, nothing spectacular… except the beautiful night sky.
"Why is it forbidden though? I see nothing dangerous here. Or is it forbidden for this exact reason? Can a demon die from boredom?" Naruto shrugged. "Well, I guess I should get going. Besides, I feel really exposed just standing here in the open. Let's check out… that rock." He said and started to walk towards his target.
The road was long and boring, and Naruto started to regret leaving Yamato behind. "At least he's fun to talk to…" He muttered, observing a large piece of stone. "Now I'm stuck here alone for Orochimaru knows how long and…"
"Stop right there!"
Naruto's eyebrows shot up. "What the…?" He turned around… to see four people dressed in black robes with red cloaks. "Who in the blue hell are you?"
"We are asking questions here!" One of them shouted dangerously.
Naruto tilted his head to the side and looked over his new acquaintances. There were four of them in total. Three guys and one girl. And the most important part – they looked ridiculously human… for Netherworld that is.
So without anything better to say…
"What?"
"I said we are asking questions…!"
"What?"
"We are…"
"What?"
"We!"
"What? What? What?"
The speaker guy gritted his teeth and glared at Naruto. "Are you mocking me, demon?!"
Naruto looked around in confusion. "Demon? Where?"
"Don't try to fool us!" The girl spoke. "Our sense tells us that you are a demon!"
"I'm happy for you." The Overlord stated, readjusting his sunglasses. "So?"
"What do you mean so?!" Previous guy shouted in anger. "You know damn well that demons are forbidden to enter our domain!"
"Why?" Naruto asked. "Is this some human paradise in the middle of hell or something?"
Everyone's eyes widened.
"How dare you!" Same guy spoke again.
'Probably the leader…' Naruto thought.
"How dare you compare us with mortals?!" He drew his rapier. "This is unforgivable! Prepare to die!"
Naruto rolled his eyes, but no one saw it behind his sunglasses. 'Where do they get these morons?'
"Ha!" The young man jumped high in the air and brought his weapon down.
"Tch." Naruto snorted and extended his right hand grabbing his attacker by the throat.
"Dorian!" The girl screamed.
Naruto sighed and ran his free left hand through his hair. His usual hairpin got knocked away during previous fights, so his long hair now flew freely in the wind.
"Dorian, huh? Nice name, but…"
CRACK.
The demon pressed his fingers together and Dorian's body twitched and stopped to move.
"NO!" Another guy screamed in rage, attacking Naruto head on.
"I'm with you, Clark!" The third one added, attacking from the side.
"Hmhmhm, what a nice tactics!" Naruto chuckled, raising his left hand. "Cero!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The guy named Clark disappeared inside Naruto's red beam of energy.
"Bastard! You'll pay for that!" The last guy brought his sword down… only for it to be blocked by a black metallic gauntlet around Naruto's hand.
"Sure, do you take credit cards? I'm out of cash." The demon asked, piercing his enemy's head with his gloved hand. "I guess that's a no…" He added, removing his arm and turning his sights on the girl.
'What a pathetic sight…' The blond thought, walking forward.
Indeed. All alone, the girl was now holding a small knife in front of her chest with shaking hands.
"S-Stay back!" She screamed in fear.
"Grr…" Naruto growled. "Do you know how hard it is to clean all these brains from my gauntlets?! It takes hours dammit!"
"Please don't kill me…" She begged, falling on her knees.
Naruto sighed and dismissed his gauntlet. Then he walked closer and poked this girl in her forehead with two fingers.
"Answer my questions. I don't like the answer and it's your funeral. Got it?"
She nodded weakly.
"First question. What's your name?" The Overlord began his interrogation.
"L-Laura…" The girl replied hesitantly.
"Wrong! It doesn't matter what your name is! But I'll close my eyes on that one. Now, who or what are you?"
"I'm a vampire…"
Naruto's eyebrows shot up. "A vampire?! I thought they were just a fairy tale."
"W-We are not…" Laura stated. "Our queen keeps our species from extinction."
"Queen huh… Very well, why is this desert forbidden?"
"It's forbidden only for demons." The girl replied. "Our queen's magic keeps them away."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?! Then how did I get through?!"
She gulped. "We… We don't know. But the queen felt your presence, so she sent us to investigate."
"I see…"
"I answered your questions, please let me leave…" Laura pleaded again.
"Hmm… Let me think for two seconds." Naruto paused. "Nah." He grabbed her by the clothes and picked the girl up. "Now you will lead me to your so-called queen."
Laura's eyes widened. "I-I will not!" She yelled. "I would rather die!"
"Hahaha!" Naruto laughed lightly. "Is that so? Do you know that your friends actually died quickly and painlessly?" His smile disappeared. "You won't have this luxury."
"E-Ev-ven s-so…" Laura said with shaking lips. "You may kill me, but I won't let you hurt our queen!"
"Hurt?" The demon asked in amusement. "Who said anything about hurting? I just want to speak with her."
The girl stared at him in shock. "B-But you just killed Dorian and Clark and…"
"And they attacked first." He interrupted. "Now lead me to your damn queen, or I will rip your soul out and find the way myself."
"You can do that?" She asked in fear.
"Among other things. Now move."
Some time later…
"You know…" Naruto began. "I think you are trying to lead me somewhere wrong…"
"No, we're almost there." Laura stated confidently.
"Huh? I don't see a damn thing!"
The girl smiled. "Just wait." They made few more steps and…
"Holy shit! Now that's one huge-ass castle!" Naruto stated, admiring the construction in front of him. "Camelot?"
"What?"
"Never mind, let's go." He grabbed her hand and teleported right to the entrance.
"Hold it!" Two sentinels with halberds got in their way.
"No, stop!" Laura yelled, getting between Naruto and sentinels.
"Why are you protecting this stranger, Laura?" One of them asked.
"I'm not protecting him." She replied, turning to Naruto. "Please spare them, they don't know."
Naruto shrugged. "Very well, I'm not looking for a fight at the moment."
"What's going on, Laura? Where is Dorian?" Second sentinel asked.
Laura bit her lower lip. "Dorian is… dead. He…" She glanced at Naruto. "He and the others were killed in a battle with unknown demons. I would've been killed as well if not for this person."
Naruto raised an eyebrow at this. 'Eh? Oh, I get it…'
"I see…" Guardian nodded, removing his halberd. "I apologize then. You are welcome to stay in our castle, I'm sure the queen will… reward you for what you've done."
Naruto snorted. "Yeah, she sure will."
"Please this way…"
They went through the gates and when they were alone again Naruto chuckled. "Saved you, huh? Good thinking, girl."
She glared at him. "I cannot let you kill any more of us. Having demons, hunters and… him is bad enough as it is."
"Him?" Naruto asked.
Laura bit her lower lip and said nothing.
"I see, a touchy subject…" The blond nodded, walking into one very large room. "Holy… Is this a ball or something?"
True, the room was very big and many people were in it. They were all dressed in beautiful dresses and suits.
'Aristocrats…' Naruto thought. 'One Fatal Eclipse and…'
"Laura?" Sudden voice spoke. "You have returned."
Naruto turned his head. There stood one woman dressed in long red gothic dress. She was beautiful, but also had some aura around her. Aura of royalty and authority.
And just as she spoke all stares were directed at them instantly… or more like they were directed at Naruto. Why? Well, a shirtless long haired guy in sunglasses in the middle of the room filled by aristocrats.
Yeah, you got that.
"My queen!" Laura immediately got on one knee. "I…"
"Ah, I see the problem already…" The queen interrupted. "Well, welcome to my humble residence… Lord Uzumaki Naruto."
Many gasps filled the room.
"Naruto…"
"He's the one…"
"What does he want…?"
"I want an endless cola can and a pair of neko-ears." The demon replied. "I hope that satisfied your curiosity."
"I see…" The queen said. "But I must ask you, what do I owe your presence?"
"First of all, shouldn't you name yourself if you already know me?" Naruto asked back, biting his lip in order to not scream one of his favorite catchphrases.
The queen smiled. "I'm sorry, how rude indeed. My name is Carmilla, and I am the mistress of this castle."
"I see, nice place by the way…"
"Thank you… But I must repeat my question. Why are you here?"
"To get drunk and get laid." Naruto stated firmly. "What?"
"Nothing." Carmilla said in amusement. "You just picked a very strange place to do that…"
"Perhaps, but I don't feel like going anywhere right now."
"Hmm…" The queen thought for a moment. "Perhaps your appearance here will turn out beneficial for both of our sides. Please come with me…"
End flashback…
"Now wait a damn minute!" Hanabi exclaimed. "That's not the end!"
"No, it's not." Naruto confirmed.
"Then get to it already and…"
"Well…"
"Well what?!" Hanabi pressed.
"I don't know if I should tell you the next part…"
"Oh, come on! How horrible can it be?
"Umm…"
Resuming flashback…
Carmilla's private chambers…
"Ah, yes! Right there!" Carmilla screamed, wrapping her legs around Naruto's torso. "Fuck me harder!"
'Shit!' The demon commented in his head. 'This bitch is hot! I can barely hold myself!'
True, as soon as they reached her room, Carmilla did something with her eyes and Naruto's dick almost tore through his pants. And they are made out of leather!
Next second he ripped off her dress and… well, you get the picture. But…
'Fucking hell! I can't stop!' Naruto thought. 'It's like I'm not doing this for myself, but only to please her! What the fuck is going…?'
"Ah! I have reached it!" Carmilla suddenly shouted as her head arched backwards.
"Guh!" Naruto grunted, unable to hold himself any longer.
"Mmm…" The vampire queen moaned, feeling how Naruto's cum washed over her insides. "Hmhmhm…" She chuckled and sighed. "It's been far too long since I did this the last time. And since you're so strong, I'm going to enjoy myself to the fullest!"
Naruto's eyebrows shot up when Carmilla rolled them both over and got on top.
"So strong, yet so young…" She said, rubbing his bare chest with her soft hands. "Oh, how I need someone like you by my side…"
"You really don't." Naruto stated. "I'm a bad person."
"Oh? Well, even if you are…" The queen spoke, starting to move her hips once again. "Vampires are not known for being good!"
"Shit!" Naruto cursed, gritting his teeth. 'This bitch is insatiable!'
"Ah! This is wonderful!" She exclaimed. "I already forgot how good physical pleasure can be!"
Carmilla started to move faster and faster down to the point where the entire bed was moving along with her.
"Fuck, this is insane!" Naruto shouted. "I'm gonna…"
"Oh no, you don't!" The woman stated, pressing her right index finger in his stomach. "I'm enjoying this way too much to let you simply cum like that! So you won't have a release until I will!"
The demon's eyes widened. "You can't mean that!" He said… and felt that when he was about to burst, something held him back. "Gah!"
"Hahahahaha!" Carmilla laughed. "See what I mean? Now if you don't want to go insane from pleasure, I suggest you make me feel real good real fast."
"Fuck!" Naruto exclaimed in slight anger. "I'll show you, bitch!" He stated, grasping her hips and inserting one finger right into her ass. "I'll make you feel good alright!"
"Wait!" She yelled in shock. "That's…!"
"Eh-Eh!" Naruto interrupted. "You wanted to feel good! Take it!"
"Aaaaaah!" Carmilla screamed when Naruto assaulted both of her holes at the same time. "N-No! I want this to last longer! I…"
But she had no opportunity to finish that sentence, because Naruto quickly found her clitoris with his free hand and squeezed it lightly.
"Cum, you fucking bitch!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Carmilla screamed in orgasm at the top of her lungs… unconsciously loosing control over her spell.
"SHIT!" Naruto exclaimed, feeling the restraints fall, and shooting probably the biggest load in his life inside the vampire queen.
"Hah…" The woman released her breath and fell on top of him exhausted. "That was the most notorious intimate contact I have ever participated in!"
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"The best fuck I've ever had."
"Oh…" The Overlord nodded in understanding. "By the way, my presence sure turned out to be beneficial, ne?"
"Well…" Carmilla smiled. "That's actually not what I mean that time…"
"Ho? And what did you mean then?"
The queen sighed. "You see… We vampires have a lot of haters. Do you know why?"
Naruto shrugged. "Bad cooking?"
"Not exactly. The thing is, we are different from both humans and demons."
"Really? In which way?"
"In reproduction way."
"Oh…"
"Yes." Carmilla explained. "You see, unlike demons, which die and reborn, we are not technically alive. And though there are beings that were born demons, there are none who were born vampires. That is because no matter how hard we try, we cannot have an offspring. That's why we must seek other ways to keep our population up. And we found it…"
"The turning."
"Yes. And while we keep our numbers strictly under control, turning only when we really need a population boost, many still hate us. Demons kill us for joy; human hunters kill us for money… We are on the brink of extinction."
Naruto rolled his eyes. 'And I feel so sad about it…'
"That's why I wanted to ask you for help."
The demon snorted. "I don't do charity."
"Who said anything about charity?!" Carmilla asked with a smile. "We vampires are strong warriors, able to take on a Grand Demon without breaking a sweat! And there are hundreds of us! My proposition is this: help us with one problem, just one! And we will all be by your side, helping in whatever quest you are going through."
"Hmhmhm…" Naruto chuckled. "Sounds great, but… what's the problem?"
Carmilla sighed. "That's a little bit complicated…" She began. "You see, humans can hunt us only when we get out there in their world… But there is one person who is hunting us even here."
"Oh? And who is that?"
"He is a vampire, like us. And yet he is different. For some reason he kills every vampire he stumble across and we don't know why. But the worst thing is, he's strong… very strong." Carmilla stated with a frown. "All our squads that were sent to get him were brutally exterminated. My magic keeps him away from this castle, but outside…"
"Alright, I get the picture…"
"Will you help us?"
Naruto grinned from ear to ear. "Oh, don't worry, I will…"
Outside of the castle…
"Okay now, where is this jabroni?"
"Most amusing…" A sudden voice spoke from behind, making Naruto turn around. "No one in my entire existence has called me a jabroni before."
Naruto just stared at the stranger silently.
"What's the matter? Are you so scared that you can't even speak?"
"Not really." The demon replied. "It's just I don't really have any desire to speak with someone who doesn't even have enough class to introduce himself."
"Indeed. Well, my name is Alucard…"
"It doesn't matter what your name is!" Naruto houted, raising his hand. "Byakurai!"
The beam of white light hit Aluard head on, piercing his forehead. Two seconds later his body fell limply on the ground.
"Eh, that's it?" Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow. "I expected something… well SOMETHING!"
Then…
"Hmhmhmmhm…" A dark chuckle echoed from the vampire's body.
"Huh?" Naruto tilted his head to the side when said body floated in the air and regenerated in a matter of seconds. "Well I'll be damned…"
"You already are, demon." Alucard stated. "So allow me to relieve you from your curse!" With that he rushed straight at Naruto and pierced demon's chest with his hand.
Naruto looked down on himself skeptically. "Right…" He brought his hand up once again and pointed two fingers at Alucard's face. "It was nice knowing you, pal…"
Next moment a powerful Cero was shot from his hand and it instantly obliterated the vampire's head and a good portion of his chest.
"Tch." Naruto scowled, throwing Alucard's body to the ground again. "Not very tough. I wonder why no one still…"
"That is why…" The voice echoed again and Naruto's eyes widened.
He turned around to see Alucard's body regenerating once again.
"What the fuck?!" He exclaimed. "Who in the blue hell are you?!"
"Hmhmhmhmhm…" The vampire chuckled again. "Why so surprised? Never seen anyone recover from a grave injury?"
"I did, but never from a vampire." Naruto stated. "I killed some earlier and they died like… well humans."
"Other vampires?! Don't insult me, I'm not like them!" Alucard replied, looking slightly hurt. "They don't even know what being a vampire truly means!"
"Oh? And you do?" Naruto asked in amusement.
"Yes, I do…" Alucard said, and the area suddenly became darker. "Allow me to show you a true vampire's power!"
Naruto looked around himself. Darkness was everywhere around him, but that wasn't scary… What was is that countless eyes started to appear.
"What the…?" The Overlord wasn't allowed to finish his sentence, because something bit him on his right shoulder. He slowly turned his head to see that it was some strange dog.
"Eh?" Naruto went to grab said dog with his left hand, but it released her hold instantly and jumped away. "Smart… but…"
Alucard's eyebrows furrowed when his dog started to cough uncontrollably.
"What did you do to it?" He asked.
Naruto grinned evilly. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Drinking demon blood is unhealthy, haven't you heard?"
The vampire gritted his teeth at this. He just lost his strongest weapon against this enemy.
"Alright then…" He said, taking out his gun. "Let's do this the old way."
Naruto's grin widened as he took out his own gun. "Juuuuuust bring it!"
Three days later…
"SHIN-NE!" Narto screamed, sending another Cero at Alucard. This time the vampire's body was engulfed completely, and as a result was obliterated completely. "Whew, that was a lot of work and…"
"Hmhmhmhmhm…" The dark chuckle sounded again.
"FUCKING HELL!" Naruto screamed in anger. "I killed you 312 times! Why can't you just fucking die?!"
"I can say the same." Alucard replied when his body reformed once again. "You sustained the damage no other demon should be able to."
Naruto thought for a moment. "How many times must I kill you again in order for you to finally die?"
Alucard paused. "About… ten thousands."
Naruto rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fuck me sideways…" He said, sitting on a stone that was still not destroyed from their battle. "You know, I hate to admit it, but it's useless. You don't have the strength to kill me, and I just don't have enough patience to kill you."
"Hmm." Alucard pocketed his gun. "Sounds logical. What do you propose?"
Naruto shrugged. "I don't know…"
"Wait, why are you even here in the first place? You were looking for me, I remember that, but why… Say, did Carmilla send you?"
"Umm… yeah."
Alucard snorted. "Well, that explains it. Did she also tell you tat they are a peaceful nation and only wish to not be disturbed?"
Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Well, I was not exactly listening, but yeah, there was something like that."
"Well, it's a total bullshit. The truth is that Carmilla is so addicted to the taste of blood that she became obsessed. And she is a powerful magician as well. I am the only thing that stands between her and roaming these lands freely."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "These lands?"
"Didn't I tell you? Carmilla is strong enough to drink demonic blood. That's why this desert is forbidden; any demons that come here don't come back alive."
Naruto's second eyebrow shot up. "My blood?"
"No, your blood is too much even for me." Alucard stated. "Who are you? I never met such strong demons as yourself."
The Overlord grinned. "Well thanks for asking! Because even though I was almost fucked about a week ago, I'm still the jabroni beating, pie eating, trail blazing, eyebrow raising, best in the present, future and past, soon will go back and kick Order's ass great Uzumaki Naruto!"
"Uzumaki Naruto, huh?" Alucard grinned from ear to ear. "Well, you have quite the reputation. I heard summons speaking about you and they were scared to the bone. Weaklings. Pure numbers without any strength behind them."
"Sometimes one ally is better then a thousand." Suddenly echoed in blonde's head.
"Oh? Hmm…" Naruto exclaimed in surprise. "You're not so bad, you know. Say, why is someone as strong as you is even bothering with these vampires? Why do you give a damn?"
Alucard sighed. "Well that is… complicated." He said. "You see, many years ago I had a master, and her final order was to kill every vampire alive…"
"Can't you disobey?"
"No."
"Damn…" Naruto paused. "You know, Carmilla offered me her and her wimps' support… but I would rather have someone like you on my side. Do you have any problems with killing innocent humans?"
Alucard grinned, showing his long fangs. "What do you think?"
"Hmhmhm, excellent. Then the only problem is to deal with said wimps… Why can't you infiltrate the castle?"
"The magic."
"How does it work?"
"Carmilla somehow got a hold of my blood and created a ward preventing me from busting in."
Naruto scowled. "That's not good. We'll need…" His eyes suddenly lit up. "Wait, I know the perfect way to get both of us inside!"
"Oh?" Alucard exclaimed excitedly. "And what way is it?"
The vampire castle…
"He has been gone for several days now…" One of the vampire guards said to another. "I guess it was foolish to think that he can be killed."
"Yeah, I mean we tried for generations and…" The second one replied, but the first interrupted him.
"Wait, someone is approaching!"
They readied their weapons… but there was no end to their shock when they saw who it was.
"Hey there, fellas!" Naruto said happily. "Inform your queen that I have a present for her." He pointed at Alucard's body on his shoulder.
"Th-Th-Th…"
"That?" Naruto helped.
The guardian nodded. "Th-That's… h-him… It's impossible… you…"
"Know your role, shut your mouth and go fetch your queen before I lose my patience and kill both of you."
They both nodded and disappeared inside the castle.
"Amazing things fear can do to people…" The Overlord stated.
"Too true." Alucard replied from his shoulder.
"Shut up, you're supposed to be dead."
"I AM dead."
"Ups, sorry. Still shut up though…"
Throne room…
"Lord Uzumaki…" Carmilla said in astonishment. "I am very impressed."
"Thanks." Naruto said, dropping Alucard's 'dead' body to the floor. "So, about our deal…"
The queen smiled. "Ah yes, deal…" She snapped her fingers and four vampires suddenly appeared around Naruto, forcing him to his knees.
"Oh?"
"I'm sorry, little demon, but I always had my fingers crossed." Carmilla said, walking forward. "The deal is still on, just with one correction. We won't be helping you; you will be helping us… as my slave!" She added, baring her teeth.
Naruto only stared at her with a smirk.
"Restrain him!" Carmilla ordered and her servants moved his head to the left, exposing his neck. "This won't hurt… much." She said, sinking her fangs into his flesh… But three seconds later…
"Ah!" She suddenly backed away and fell on the floor, coughing blood.
"MY QUEEN!" Several people ran up to her.
"What… cough… what have you done to me?" Carmilla screamed in rage.
"Hahahahaha!" Naruto laughed, standing back up. "I admit it; you were right about this bitch."
"Who are you talking…?" Carmilla started to ask, but then she heard the voice that made her blood run cold.
"Told you." Alucard said, getting up slowly as well. "She has no dignity whatsoever."
"Y-You…" Carmilla spoke in fear.
"Hello again, my dear!" Alucard exclaimed happily. "Are you happy to see me?"
"Kill them!" The queen screamed in despair. "Kill them both! Get them away from me!"
"So…" Naruto cracked his neck. "How do you wanna do this?"
"Heee…" Alucard grinned. "Carmilla is mine. The rest… well, I really don't care."
Naruto grinned as well. "It's settled then!" He turned around and raised his hand. "Cero!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Poor innocent vampires screamed when their bodies were eradicated by a beam of red energy.
"You go finish the bitch; I'll deal with others for now." Naruto said, covering his hands with gauntlets.
"Got it." Alucard replied, turning to Carmilla, who tried to crawl away.
"Get… cough… get away from me!" She screamed.
"Oh, you hurt me!" Alucard mocked. "And here I was hoping for a hug… oh well."
"Stay away from the queen!" Three unknown vampires appeared in front of him, blocking his way.
"Ho? You sure are a brave bunch, but…" Alucard started to raise his hand… when three vampires in front of him were suddenly blown away by another beam of energy.
"Hey, that's unfair! It was my prey!"
"What?"
"I said it was my…"
"What?"
"I said…"
"What?"
Alucard slapped his face. "I guess I'll just get on with it." He said, picking Carmilla by her throat. "Oh, I've been waiting for this, what about you?"
"Fuck you, traitor!" The queen shouted.
"No thanks. I still can't forgive you for the time I had to spend in the desert while wearing this outfit. Do you have any idea how hot it is out there?!"
"No matter what you do, vampires will still survive!" She yelled.
"Heee…" Alucard grinned maniacally. "Maybe they will, but you won't be able to see that!" He said, biting her neck.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Carmilla screamed in pain.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" Naruto laughed. "Shin-ne!" He was about to pierce another vampire's head… when said vampire suddenly fell on his knees, clutching his own throat.
"What the…?" The Overlord looked around, only to see that every vampire was having similar problems. Wondering what that was, he picked the vampire he was about to kill by his collar and raised him up to look him in the eye. "Hey, what's wrong with you lot?"
But the vampire did not answer. He only coughed a few times and… died.
"Wha…?"
"Finally!" Alucard exclaimed, dropping Carmilla's dead body to the floor.
"Hey! Don't steal Naruto's catchphrases!" The demon shouted. "And what the hell?! Why are they dying?"
Alucard looked around. "That is simple. Looks like Carmilla was binding them to herself, causing absolute submission of their will to hers. As a result they could not disobey, but if she was to die… well, you're witnessing it."
"Damn. That is unfair! If I knew, she would've gone the last." Naruto stated.
"True, I'm quite upset with it too." The vampire replied. "So, what's now?"
Naruto grinned. "How do you find slaying thousands innocents summons?"
Alucard matched Naruto's insane grin. "Very appealing. Right now?"
"Nah, let's stay here for a bit. I need to make sure of something first."
"Well, I don't mind…" Alucard walked to a nearby table and took a bottle. "As long as there is blood." He added, drinking blood from the bottle.
"Yuk! How can you drink this shit? It's… well, shit." Naruto stated, summoning a cola can. "This is way better!"
"Go fuck yourself, Uzumaki!" The vampire shouted. "Nothing compares with blood!"
"Oh yeah?! Cola is much better than blood!"
"Blood!"
"Cola!"
"BLOOD!"
"COLA!"
"FUCK YOU!" They shouted simultaneously, firing their guns at each other's heads.
"Hmhm…"
"Hahaha… You know, I think it may be a start of a beautiful friendship…" Naruto said with a smirk.
"Indeed it may…"
End flashback…
"Hey, what about the story about slaying innocent summons?!" Hanabi complained.
"No." The blond interrupted. "Not right now."
"I agree." Alucard added. "We wasted enough time as it is. We need to know our next destination."
"Huh?" Kurenai tilted her head to the side. "You mean you don't know where to go next?"
"Duh. I've been absent from this world for two months. And I have no idea where…"
"Suna." Hanabi suddenly said.
"What?" Naruto asked.
"You wanted to learn where the Order's headquarters is, right?"
"I did… how did you…?"
"The link." Alucard reminded.
"Right." The Overlord nodded. "So Suna huh… Well, at least we know our next target."
"Nice!" Hanabi exclaimed with a smirk. "Are we going there right now?"
"Nah. First we need to make sure of something." Naruto turned to Kurenai. "I want to make sure that you survive."
Woman's eyes widened. "Naruto, I'm not going to die…"
"No, that won't do." Ex-jinchuriki stated. "There are only four of us now. Hanabi, Alucard and myself are immortal… you however are not. We need to correct that."
"B-But how?"
Naruto smirked. "There is one person who will help…"
Sunagakure no sato. The Order of the sword's headquarters…
"What do you mean we are not going to announce that information?!" Gaara shouted in anger.
Sanctus sighed. "I mean exactly what I said, Kazekage-san. What do you believe would happen if we tell everyone that Uzumaki Naruto is alive and coming here this very moment to destroy everything?"
"He is right." Danzou added. "The last thing we need is panic among our forces."
"True… But we're taking a great risk in doing so." Nara Shikaku spoke. "We won't have panic now, yes. But instead we will get it in the hour X when it will be already too late to back down."
"That may be so…" Danzou countered. "But it is better that way then if we have it before preparations are made."
"I agree. We might even avoid panic whatsoever if we relay the information correctly." Credo stated.
"Tch." Gaara scowled. "Fine, have it your way."
"I'm glad we have finally reached consensus." The Order leader said. "Now let's discuss something really important…"
"What could be more important than our people?" The Kazekage asked.
Sanctus was about to answer, when…
"The death of Naruto." A sudden voice spoke.
"Ah, Sasuke-kun, Sakura-san. Nice to see you again." Sanctus stated. "I take it you already know the situation."
Sasuke and Sakura walked into the room and took their usual places at the table.
"Yes… we do." The pink haired girl said quietly with a deep frown on her face.
"And we also know that summons won't be helping us this time." Sasuke added.
"Yes, we already concluded this." Shikaku replied. "And that makes our situation even worse. We need some kind of plan to take him down for good…"
"No need." Uchiha interrupted. "Only the Savior has the necessary power to wound him enough. So we just need to distract Naruto until the Savior is ready to put him down."
"Oh yeah?! And who's going to do that?" Credo asked.
Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "I will."
"You think too highly of yourself, Uchiha." Danzou said. "He already bested you several times. What's changed?"
Sasuke glanced at Danzou dangerously and fire flickered in his eyes. "That's what changed." He stated. "Naruto is mine. If any of you thinks that you can do better, then stand up and challenge me."
No one did… And Sakura frowned even deeper.
"Then my role is decided." The last Uchiha exclaimed. "However we also know that he is not alone."
"True, Hyuga Hanabi and Yuuhi Kurenai, right?" Sanctus asked.
"Not just that." Sasuke responded. "Tell them what you saw."
Sakura nodded slowly. "I wanted to contact Tsunade-sama to learn how everything went. Instead someone other picked it up. It was a man; he was dressed in red and black. Also I saw Hyuga Hanabi and… she was not really herself."
"What do you mean by that?" Misako raised her voice for the first time during the meeting.
"I mean that she… looked older. Older than even her sister Hinata." The pink haired girl stated.
"B-But that's impossible!" Gaara exclaimed.
"W-W-Who cares about her age?! We need t-t-to analyze their p-p-power!" Agnus almost shouted.
"Calm yourself, Agnus."
"Y-Yes, Your Holiness."
"The only thing we need to know is who that man is." The old man continued. "But if he survived the battle for Kumo, then he surely is not a weakling."
"Yes, I don't believe Naruto would tolerate a weakling around him." Sasuke added. "Besides, taking him out is a secondary objective. I don't think that he will continue the fight with Naruto gone."
"About that…" Danzou suddenly spoke. "I believe we have another way to reach our goal."
"What is it?" Sanctus asked.
"A technique. It's called Shiki Fuujin." The old war hawk stated.
"It's not…!" Shikaku tried to interrupt, but Sanctus raised his hand.
"Please continue, Danzou-san."
Danzou nodded. "This technique is used to summon Shinigami, who in turn rips target's soul from his body. The only downside of this technique is that the caster gets the same treatment."
"I see… A powerful technique indeed." The Order leader said. "I actually wonder why you haven't used it before."
"Because it is difficult to learn." The old war hawk exclaimed. "In all our history only three people managed to do so. Two of them were Sandaime Hokage and his successor Namikaze Minato…"
"And? Who is the third one?" Agnus asked.
"I am." Danzou stated.
"Fascinating." Sanctus said. "You believe you will be able to do that?"
"Actually I don't have to do anything. All work will be done for me by Shinigami. Naruto is strong, but he is no match for the Death God."
"Very well. Let's have this as a backup plan." Sanctus replied. "This meeting is adjourned. Begin preparations immediately."
"HAI!"
Kazekage mansion…
"Dammit…" Gaara cursed, walking into his room. "And these are the people I had so much hope for…"
"Gaara-kun?" Familiar voice brought him out of his thoughts.
"Huh?" The Kazekage raised his head. "Hinata, you're awake…"
The girl simply turned away from him with a frown on her face.
"He's back… right?"
Gaara held a pause. "Yes."
Hinata hit the bed she was sitting on. "Dammit!" She yelled. "Why? Why is it always like this?! Just when I believe I've found some happiness, something or someone is trying to take it all away!"
He slowly sat beside her. "He won't do it, not this time." The former jinchuuriki said, wrapping his right arm around girl's shoulders. "We worked too hard to get where we are right now. I won't let him ruin it all."
"Is Kumo destroyed?" Hinata suddenly asked.
"…Yes."
"And Suna is next, right?"
"We believe so."
"Then I will…"
"Leave."
"Yes, I… What?!" Hinata's eyes widened. "What did you just say?"
Gaara looked down. "I want you to leave the village and return to Konoha."
Hinata's fists clenched. "No way! I will stand and fight beside you! He took too much from us already, and I…"
"And I won't let him take you too." Gaara interrupted, looking her straight in the eyes.
"But I…" She tried to protest, but Gaara cut her off again.
"Listen to me, Hinata." He began. "When Naruto gets here, the Order will fight him. But if they fail… then I will step up and do what must be done."
Hinata's chest ached with fear. "W-What do you mean by that?"
Gaara just looked away silently.
"Gaara!"
The Kazekage closed his eyes. "There is a technique… The most powerful sand technique there is…"
Hinata gulped. "And what this technique does?"
Gaara held another pause. "If worse comes to worse… I will bury Suna under the desert. Along with Naruto… and myself."
"NO!" Hinata shouted immediately. "You will not do that! I won't allow it, there must be another..."
"There is." Gaara countered. "The Order has a plan. Danzou has a plan. And their plans are good, I have to admit that. But if they fail… I won't let him leave; I won't let him get to you."
"Gaara…" Hinata hugged him tightly. "Please promise me that you won't go with your plan…"
"…"
"Gaara?"
"…"
Order of the Sword headquarters…
"Please don't be reckless, Sasuke-kun." Sakura pleaded. "Attacking him head on is a suicide!"
The last Uchiha gritted his teeth. "Last time we fought Naruto killed me. But not this time! This time I will make sure he's down for good."
"That's why!" Sakura shouted, but then frowned and looked down. "That's why… Who do you believe took your death the worst?"
Sasuke's eyes widened. "Sakura…"
"I was there, Sasuke…" She said as tears started to appear in her eyes. "I was sitting in front of you and watched how Naruto ended your life. But the worst part is that I could do NOTHING to stop him! I could do NOTHING to save you! And when he…"
"Shh, it's okay." Sasuke said, embracing her from behind. "I will not go down this easily now. Last time Naruto had the advantage of being a demon; this time he won't have such luxury."
"But he killed two Overlords! Two, Sasuke! And…"
"And my job is not to kill him." He interrupted. "I just have to distract him for a while."
Sakura turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Yeah, I know…"
"Besides, if not me then who?"
"I know that too… but still…"
"Hey guys!" A familiar voice called. "Ups, did I interrupt something?"
Sakura whipped off her tears. "No, you didn't, Ino."
"Well, sorry for nothing then." Yamanaka replied. "I heard your speech by the way, Sasuke-kun. You looked very brave."
"Thanks." The last Uchiha responded. "Hey, are those the Order's robes, Ino?"
"Yeah, I decided to join in." The blond haired girl stated.
"But why?" Sakura asked. "I mean what reasons do you have…"
Ino's eyes narrowed. "Remember Moon Country?"
Sakura's eyes widened. 'Shikamaru and Choji.' She frowned. "I'm sorry, Ino. I just…"
"Don't worry about it." Ino said, raising her hand. "We all lost something in this war. Some things were just more obvious then the others."
"So, are you going to be among Suna's defenders, Ino?" Sasuke asked.
The blond shrugged. "I don't know. I'm actually just a recruit, so I simply do as I'm told."
"I see. When did you join then?" The Uchiha asked again.
"Several weeks ago." Ino stated. "When the war was over, I just couldn't stay in Konoha. My sensei is dead, my teammates are dead… and without them I just can't imagine myself being a shinobi. So I retired and decided to leave."
"And ended up here?"
"Sure, why not? Besides, the Order took out Naruto… or at least we thought so."
"Don't worry, we'll do it again." Sasuke assured.
"Yeah…" Ino frowned. "Although that time we had the element of surprise on our side."
"True." The Uchiha nodded. "But that time he also had an army backing him down. Now he's alone against the world, Naruto cannot win."
Ino smiled slightly. "Yeah, I hope you're right…"
Unknown area…
"Well? And where exactly are we?" Hanabi asked, looking around some dark room.
"Well we… Nah, I don't remember." Naruto stated. "And… cover yourself dammit!"
Hanabi grinned. "Or what? You will ravish me right here?"
"Damn right I will! And we won't get to the destruction of Suna until I'm satisfied… which will be a damn long time."
The girl rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine. Let's see…" Suddenly Hanabi's long hair wrapped around her entire body and created a tight leather outfit, leaving open her back and a good portion of her chest.
"Wow!" Kurenai exclaimed. "That's a nice trick."
"Thanks." Hanabi smiled. "Will this do?"
Naruto gulped. "You know, for some reason I want to ravish you even more now…" He said, slapping his left hip. "Eeeeeasy, big fella, we have a work to do."
"Aww…" Hanabi pouted. "And I so hoped for some action."
"Grr…" The blond growled. "Stop provoking me, dammit! Let's at least get out of this shithole first!"
"Good point." Kurenai stated. "Why the hell are we here anyway?"
Naruto smirked. "You'll see…"
Then a swarm of bats appeared in front of him and out of it Alucard appeared.
"Did you find anything?" The Overlord asked.
"Yeah, he's down there to the west."
Naruto nodded. "Alright, let's go."
They walked through the strange place that was looking like an underground labyrinth, until it ended with a single door.
"Hello again…!" Naruto exclaimed happily, opening the door. "Kabuto!"
"Hmhmhmhmhm…" The silver haired man in glasses chuckled. "I knew you'd be back sooner or later."
"Wait a second, you meant him when you were speaking about help?!" Kuranai asked in disbelief.
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Umm yeah. Is something wrong?"
"I don't like him." The woman stated.
"Nice to see you too, Kurenai-san!" Kabuto said with a smile. "And… oh my! Is that little Hanabi?"
"Who are you calling little, jabroni?" The girl replied.
"Hey!" Naruto shouted. "That's my…"
"Suck it up." Hanabi grinned. "Or I can suck you up if you want…"
"Not here, please." Kabuto said. "This is a laboratory for Chirst's sake…"
"Enough." Naruto spoke, turning the joke mode off. "You know why I'm here. Do you have anything for me?" He raised his hand and a shining red sphere appeared on the tip of his index finger. "Or perhaps I should waste you right now?"
Kabuto raised his hands defensively. "Easy now, Naruto-kun. I indeed perfected the demonification process, but I ran into some problems…"
Naruto's eyes narrowed. "What problems?"
CLACK.
"Ho?" The Overlord said in amusement, feeling how cold metal was pressed against the back of his head.
"I knew you won't go down that easily, Uzumaki." Female voice said.
"Hmhmhm…" Naruto chuckled, glancing over his shoulder. "Nice to see you… Whatever the fuck your name is again?"
"You may call me Lady…"
...
Well, that was your fucking chapter. And now…
...
Omake: Villain conference. Part three…
Sailor Moon: "I still think it's unfair…"
Darthemius: "Oh, come on now! You got off easily. I mean Pokemon guys got reduced to ashes, you simply got a Stunner."
Sailor Moon: "That's not what I meant!"
Darthemius (Raising an eyebrow): "Then what was it?"
Sailor Moon (Sighing): "Do you know how many episodes my anime has?"
Darthemius: "A shitload."
Seilor Moon: "Exactly! A shitload of episodes… and no sex scenes! How is that fair? And yes, I know it's a children's show and all, but why did they make me undress in every episode only to dress me up again slowly?"
Darthemius (Rolling his eyes): "Well, you have this guy… toxico-man or something. Can't you just get him to do you on your free time?"
Sailor Moon (Blushing): "I tried but… he's uh… well gay."
Darthemius: "Eh? Why do you think so? He told you?"
Sailor Moon (Snorting): "Oh, come on! A guy, wearing a tuxedo with a long ass hat, throwing roses and fighting with a stick?"
Darthemius (Nodding): "Yup, he's definitely gay. How about other guys?"
Sailor Moon: "What other guys?"
Darthemius (Raising an eyebrow): "Are there no other guys in your anime?"
Sailor Moon: "Umm… no."
Darthemius: "That's a fucking letdown! I mean hell; they won't be able to create an orgy this way!"
Sailor Moon: "Yeah!"
Darthemius: "What are you cheering about? You would've been on the receiving end of this orgy!"
Sailor Moon: "Which is exactly what I want! Shit, I've already seen my grown up daughter, but I yet to have actual sex!"
Darthemius: "Y-You mean you're still a virgin?"
Sailor Moon (Blushing madly): "Y-Yes…"
Darthemius (With lecherous grin): "Well, we can't have that…"
Staff member: "Darthemius-sama! Five minutes till the air!"
Darthemius: "Say what? Where the fuck is Diana then?"
Staff member: "Have you forgotten, sir? Today is Naruto's torture… I mean payment day."
Darthemius (Sighing in relief): "Thank god… Still, I have no one to host the damn show with. Where can I get a pretty girl with a nice ass quick enough to…" (Glancing at Sailor Moon) "Say… Wanna host a show with me?"
Sailor Moon: "M-Me? Host a show?"
Darthemius: "Yeah."
Sailor Moon: "SQUEEEEEEEEAAAL! It has always been my dream! What must I do?"
Darthemius (Shrugging): "Just be yourself and don't fuck…"
Operator: "We're on the air!"
Darthemius: "…ing… Welcome! You're seeing this dumb face on your screen, which means you are tuned on the Know Your Role channel and currently watching Darthemius's show! Now as you can guess, my usual co-host Diana is 'CENSORED' my friend Naruto at this very moment, so obviously she's busy. That's why tonight I will be hosting this show together with…"
Sailor Moon: "…"
Darthemius: "With…?"
Sailor Moon: "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Darthemius: "Because it's your 'CENSORED' time to talk! Tell us your 'CENSORED' name."
Sailor Moon: "Oh… Hi, my name is…"
Darthemius: "It doesn't…" (Slapping his own mouth) "Sorry, continue please."
Sailor Moon: "O-Okay. Hi again! My name is Usagi Tsukino, and I will be a co-host for tonight's show!"
Crowd: "CHEER!"
Darthemius: "Well, that went better than expected. So, without further delay…"
Wesker: "Wait a damn second! First tell us who's winning!"
Madara: "Yeah, I would like to know that as well."
Darthemius: "Oh that. Aizen is still winning."
Aizen (Turning to Sephiroth): "Ha! In your face!"
Sephiroth: "I still have more fangirls…"
Darthemius: "Can I continue please?"
Silence.
Darthemius: "Finally. Now will you please announce our first guest of the day, Usagi?"
Usagi (Smiling beamingly): "Sure! From many years in the future, from the world covered in Seithr! The one who wields the power of the Azure! Please welcome, Yuki Terumi! Also known as Hazama."
Hazama (Smiling from ear to ear): "Thank you for inviting me. I felt a little bored with the lack of BlazeBlue sequels."
Darthemius: "You're welcome. Now tell us about yourself, Hazama-san."
Hazama: "Sure. Well, as you probably know I'm the main villain of the BlazeBlue series. I like seeing people in pain, 'CENSORED' up their minds, shatter their dreams and of course break their bodies."
Usagi: "Damn, you're one awesome character!"
Darthemius (Raising an eyebrow): "That surely was unexpected…"
Hazama: "You don't say… Hey girl! Aren't you one of those 'justice' freaks?"
Usagi (Shrugging): "Six hundred episodes without sex can do that to you."
The entire studio: "OUCH!"
Usagi: "Exactly."
Darthemius: "O-Okay then. We got your likes, how about dislikes? Is there something that you hate?"
Hazama: "Of course! Two things actually. The first one is Ragna – the main character of BlazeBlue. Why does he scream so much?"
Usagi: "You do that too…"
Hazama: "Sure, but I'm a bad guy! I'm the one who should do all the talking. In fact, I'm envious of That Man – the bad guy from Guilty Gear, because you know, Sol only goes as far as saying "Die", "Shut up" and "Get lost". Also, why do you people call me a troll? I mean, have they ever seen a troll? They are big fat and ugly! I'm thin, handsome and wear an expensive suit with a nice hat! And…"
Darthemius: "Wait, what's the other thing?"
Hazama: "Aizen."
Aizen: "Huh, why? We haven't even met!"
Hazama: "That may be so, but you have killed my cousin."
Aizen: "Really? Who?"
Hazama: "Ichimaru Gin."
Aizen (Tilting his head to the side): "Now that you mention it, you do look a lot like him…"
Hazama: "Indeed! And as soon as this competition is over your ass is mine!"
Aizen (Scowling): "Tch… Since we're making it personal…" (Turning to Sephiroth) "Then I hate you!"
Sephiroth: "And why is that?"
Aizen: "Because you have more fangirls than I do!"
Sephiroth: "Oh… Well then, I hate Wesker!"
Wesker: "Why me of all people?"
Sephiroth: "Because your attire is more badass and you have sunglasses!"
Wesker: "Well…"
Darthemius: "Shut up! Or I will show you a picture of naked Orochimaru!"
Dead silence.
Usagi (Whispering): "Psst… Do you really have it?"
Darthemis (Whispering): "Are you crazy, of course not! I would've died if I saw something like that!" (In normal voice) "Well, thank you Hazama-san, we…"
Usagi: "Wait, can I ask a question?"
Darthemius: "Umm…"
Hazama: "Of course, shoot!"
Usagi: "Say, Hazama-san, you have second form, right?"
Hazama: "True."
Usagi: "Well, I was wondering if you have a dick in that form…"
Hazama (Smiling sheepishly): "U-Umm… Hehehe…"
Darthemius: "Sorry about that." (Whispering to Usagi) "Are you really a virgin?"
Usagi: "You better believe it!"
Darthemius: "Anyway, we're running out of time, and it's my great pleasure to call our second guest! Please welcome! From the ancient Greece, the ghost of Sparta, the godslayer Kratos!"
Kratos (Walking out): "Hm."
Darthemius: "How very insightful! Do you have blood relations with Uchiha Sasuke?"
Kratos: "Not really."
Darthemius: "Oh well… Anyway, since you're here, I wanted to commend you on something. You see, out of everyone who was called here till now you are the only one who's actually… well, a protagonist."
Crowd: "WHAT?"
Kratos: "You'd better choose your words more carefully."
Darthemius: "Oh no, wait a second. I wasn't trying to insult you, on the contrary I was trying to compliment you. Because even if you are a protagonist, your brutality, violent behavior and of course the way you handling your enemies put you in the same category as these guys. I think it's something to be proud of."
Crowd: "CHEER!"
Kratos: "Well, since you put it that way…"
Darthemius: "So tell us, are they going to continue with your adventures? Will there be another crazy slaughter, like… Scandinavian gods, or… or maybe Catholic?"
Kratos: "Well, I don't think so. After all, I don't really have anything against these guys; they've never done anything to me…"
Darthemius: "Aww, that's so sad… But please, people are dying to know! Where did you go at the end of 'God of War 3'? Did you crawl your way to salvation? Did you fell from the cliff and crashed to death? Did you see Britney Spears without her makeup, instantly forgot about your injuries and ran away? Were you kidnapped by the aliens?"
Kratos: "Well… None of that actually…"
Darthemius: "Then what?"
Kratos: "You see, after the main epilogue was complete they called a break and started with the credits. Yes, we had another scene after that, but since the credits were just so damn long I went out to get a hamburger. And there was such a long line that I had to wait for a while. When I finally returned, I was told that the scene was already done with. They simply forgot I was in it…"
Darthemius: "Well, that's not the answer I was hoping for…"
Usagi: "Oh, oh! Can I ask a question?"
Darthemius: "Like the last one you asked?"
Usagi: "No, no! I won't ask about a dick this time."
Darthemius (Slapping his face): "Okay, go ahead…"
Usagi (Smiling): "Alright! Say, Mr. Kratos. In 'God of War 3' there was a moment when you made the goddess of love scream in orgasm. Can you do this with… any girl?"
Kratos: "Umm… I guess."
Usagi: "WOOHOO! Then how about…"
Darthemius: "Can't you 'CENSORED' wait until the show is 'CENSORED' over?"
Usagi: "Sure, sorry about that…"
Darthemius (Massaging his temples): "Why did I even agree to host this show?"
Usagi: "Maybe because you killed Jerry Springer?"
Darthemius: "Shut up! I already believe the prison would've been better. Enough; get the last guy out here…"
Shao-Kahn: "The last guy? I'll show you the last guy!"
Darthemius: "Security!"
Hidan: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Finally!"
Darthemius: "Don't kill him, he is needed for the show."
Hidan: "What?"
Minato and Itachi (Pointing at Hidan): "Hahahahahahaha!"
Hidan: "'CENSOOOOOOOOORED'!"
Darthemius: "So, conqueror… Are you going to cooperate, or do you really want Sakura in your universe?"
Shao-Kahn: "Tch… I thought I'm evil. I was wrong, compared to you I'm a rookie."
Darthemius: "Why thank you! So tell us, why do you want to conquer everything?"
Shao-Kahn: "Well I…"
Pause.
Shao-Kahn: "Well, it's because…"
Another pause.
Shao-Kahn: "Because… I want to conquer everything!"
Darthemius: "Yes, we got that. But why do you want to do that?"
Shao-Kahn: "Because… because! It's good enough for me! I want to conquer every realm and… and you know what, this realm will do as well!"
Darthemius: "HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm afraid your goal will never be fulfilled!"
Shao-Kahn: "And why is that? What can possibly stop me?"
Darthemius (Grinning evilly): "I don't know… how about the fact that this realm has Sakura in it?"
Shao-Kahn (With wide eyes): "No… But wait! She's just another mortal! I'll simply wait until she dies and then conquer this realm!"
Darthemius: "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but Sakura became a demon in recent chapters. That means that she is immortal."
Shao-Kahn: "NOOOOOOOOOOO! My precious plans!"
Darthemius (Whispering): "Man, what Sakura can do to people…
Usagi: "Oh, oh! Can I ask a question?"
Darthemius: "No 'CENSORED' way! Besides our time is almost up, so I guess we should give voting words to our faithful audience."
Usagi: "Oh, alright. If you want to vote for Hazama, send AZURE to the number on your screen. If your favorite person is Kratos, send OLYMPUS. And of course, if you wish to give your voice for Shao-Kahn, send the word SKULL!"
Darthemius: "Well, that's all for today. See you next time!"
Director: "CUT!"
Darthemius: "Cut yourself, bitch! Damn I'm fucking tired… Well, at least I don't have Diana on my ass tonight…"
Usagi: "Hey, what about me?"
Darthemius: "What about Kratos?"
Usagi: "Umm… he ran away."
Darthemius (Muttering to himself): "Great, and I couldn't make it…"
Alucard: "Hey, Darthemius!"
Darthemius: "Huh, what?"
Alucard: "Well umm… how about… you know?"
Darthemius (With wide eyes): "You too? I thought you knew I don't swing that way!"
Alucard: "Not that, you psycho! I meant what about me and your show?"
Darthemius (Sighing): "Well…"
Alucard (Doing puppy eyes): "Please?"
Darthemius: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Don't you ever do that again!"
Alucard: "I won't… If you'll invite me to the next show."
Darthemius (Rolling his eyes): "Alright, alright! You're in."
Alucard: "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!"
Bella: "Oh, there you are, Alucard-sama!"
Alucard: "NOOOOOOOO! I'll catch you later!" (Disappearing in a swarm of bats)
Darthemius: "Well, that concludes it…"
Director: "Not exactly."
Darthemius: "Oh? What the fuck do you want?"
Director: "Well, I was talking to Usagi-chan here and she told me that since you will… umm…"
Usagi: "Since we're gonna fuck anyway, I thought why don't we record it and sell to some perverts for good money?"
Darthemius (With mouth agape): "Shit… I made another Diana…"
...P
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