章 325: 14
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Weeeeeeee~
Aww.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
Awwww.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
…
[3rd Person Camera]
…
"What is he doing?" Harry asks Ron nervously.
"He's doing vertical climbs." Ron follows Ash's brief ascents and descents with a bored expression.
"But why is he doing that?" Harry asks again.
Ron just stretches. "Harry, if the bloke himself won't tell you, what makes you think I'd know?"
"Maybe he excitedly told you or something." Harry replies in perfect deadpan.
"When he's excited he stops making sense." Ron copies Harry's bored tone. "It's quite impressive, actually."
Arthur speaks behind the two, making them jump. "I find his enthusiasm endearing! It's not very often we see someone as dedicated to their craft as Fred and George."
"Without the chance of blowing things up." Percy adds.
"I daresay he's way more destructive than we are." Fred counters indignantly while quenching the blazing bush next to him (George's fault).
"Have you seen the spells he tosses around?" George asks conversationally while trying to catch the mysteriously flying laundry (Fred's fault).
"Still, what is he doing?" Harry redirects back to the original topic.
…
[1st Person Camera]
…
Whew.
We're currently sitting on a broomstick in the sky.
At an altitude of 1795 feet.
How very specific.
I bought an altimeter for this very reason.
And that reason would be…?
Testing the flight ceiling of a broomstick. This particular broom (an old model of I Don't Know What) has a stable flight ceiling of about 1700 feet, 1800 feet on a good day.
…Now I'm using the term 'stable' quite loosely here, because I'm already stalling and falling.
This is fun. Harrowing, because sometimes the brooms don't quite pull up right, but…
Alright
C'mon
Pull up
Pull up you little shit
…Theeere we go.
We leveled out of the spiraling dive at 20 feet above the Burrow.
Whew.
So how do we really feel about this?
If I didn't enforce this otherworldly calmness, there would simply be screaming.
…Anyways, it's a little sad that I can only stay at the flight ceiling for about three seconds.
Why are we trying to climb as high as possible again?
Curiosity. I wanted to see if it was possible to go to space on a broom (nevermind the other challenges).
And that curiosity came from…
…Uh.
During the summer vacation back in the States, I was reminded of Reagan's Star Wars defense system. Y'know, the laser satellites.
So…
You thought you'd get started on making a magical equivalent.
…Yes and no. I'm not smart enough to figure out lasers and especially laser interaction with the atmosphere on reentry, so I figured I'd do something similar to the spear of god experiment instead.
The what?
Y'know, a satellite based kinetic weapon delivery system. Spear of God. Kill Voldemort and everything around him in a mile radius with a pipe made of solid lead dropped from the heavens.
And how many laws are we going to break in order to make that satellite?
Uh…all of them? I mean we've already broken like fifty laws, so what's a hundred more?
What?
Oh.
Right.
Well I took some time during the Summer Break to visit Wall Street with Sirius and eventually convinced him to help me manipulate the stock market.
So you committed an international crime?
I think I committed an act of war? I dunno. Over the course of five days we enchanted the entire New York Stock Exchange with a self-propagating hex that siphoned a small percentage of every trade made in association with the exchange. The amount siphoned isn't much (it's roughly half a penny per every hundred stocks traded), but it carried an unintended side effect.
Note that Sirius was responsible for about 90% of the spell's finer crafting details.
It wasn't as hard as I expected. Might be because the thing we're targeting has zero innate resilience?
Anyways.
Since the hex was defined as "in association with the exchange" the hex propagated over to other markets due to users for both markets (rich blokes playing both the US and Japan stock market, for example) so at the beginning of August the hex was draining money from like 75% of the trading world.
In other news, the world was way more connected in the 90s than I gave it credit for. The first day after the spell went active (where it was only active on the New York Stock Exchange) I made almost fifteen grand, and it only went up from there.
Odds of detection?
Pretty minor. It's scripted to show up as a part of the upkeep cost of the end terminals (the computers) so I don't think most people would care about an extra penny being charged every few days.
I'll take your word for it. So how does our bank account look like now?
Um. Well at least I don't have to fabricate money anymore.
Because…
…I'm a millionaire now (several times over). I've invested some of the funds into Silicon Valley since the American dot com bubble is just starting to ramp up. Remind me to sell off when it bursts.
Also, I did not realize Apple was in the pits during this time…obviously I bought in, but…I wonder if this will affect Apple's comeback?
Are we still considered good guys?
We were never good guys. I mean, being able to do this and get away with plausible deniability is the entire reason why I tossed the Basilisk money away.
Sirius had said: "If I knew what you were doing, I think I would either be very proud or horrified."
To which I replied: "You'd be horrified, so you're better off not knowing."
Sirius's response: "You're a problematic child in many ways."
I think the best part of this whole thing is that I haven't broken any statutes of Secrecy, which still baffles me. Er…well, more accurately, nobody has come looking for me.
Which is kind of weird on its own, since, y'know, Sirius Fucking Black is running around.
Speaking of Sirius. He has a fanclub now.
How?
As a straight manchild, I say this with absolutely no sarcasm: Sirius Black is fucking hot.
…After he cleans up properly. Given that I've practically forced him to get a haircut and wear muggle clothing of the dapper variety (crisp suit and tie or form-fitting t-shirts) he is Magical Tony Stark.
And Magical Tony Stark attracts women like nobody's business. Icing on the cake: Sirius has no idea what to do with his newfound bundles of women. He's a Casanova one on one (when he's not busy brooding), but I guess this is too much for him.
What's with that high and mighty tone? It would be too much for you, too.
Yeah, but I'm a nerd. I have an excuse called "never touched a woman in my life".
Most people would not consider that a point of pride.
Most people would not abuse Harry Potter Magic for illegal financial gain, either…and technically I'm not 'stealing' anything, just creating wealth out of nothing.
…No, seriously. Because the money is electronic there's nothing for a spell to steal. That was why the spell needed to be changed just a little bit for it to work.
…
Anyways.
Other things we did during the summer…obviously we're at the Burrow now to wait for the transportation to the World Cup, but…
Lessee…I found the movie with the Clever Girl with no effort. Debating on showing that to the kids when I get back to school.
We also bought Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Definitely gonna show that when we get back. Maybe a little Indiana Jones afterwards?
Also, I got to spend some more time in biology which both improved the craftsmanship of my Avis spell, and increased the regeneration speed of the auto-heal spell I placed on myself.
How's that working out for you?
I've casted the spell into my marrow, and so I now have a permanent healing factor, barring extraordinary circumstances.
One: how? And two, what circumstances?
Funnily enough, enchanting into the marrow isn't hard; it's just a matter of clearly defining what the target of the spell is (much like how locomotor mortis, when casted at someone's head, will still affect their legs). As for damage threshold…it's not that impressive. So long as an attack can't kill me outright or cause me to bleed out faster than I can bleed back in, I will regenerate from the damage and be right as rain.
…Well, that last part also caused me to look into reinforcing the human skin in some way.
And the results of that…
…Was not so good. Let's just say that "stoneskin" has some unforeseen side effects along with the foreseen ones. The best I came up with is to enchant body hair to create small plates of solidified wind, which sounds awesome, but in practice is less useful than carrying a notebook and enchanting every page to be steel. In entirely unrelated news, we've added two decks of playing cards to our ever increasing arsenal of democracy™.
Really the biggest payoff is the fact that we can now make larger and better constructed birds.
What else…
…Apart from more practice (which by now is a given) I think that's it for the major events? To prep for the tournament coming up I also bought books on scuba gear and sonar, but until I actually start reading them they don't matter much.
Riddle?
I haven't heard anything about Riddle for the entire summer…which is good, in the sense that nothing big appeared in the UK to the point where it would show up in American news sources, but also means I still don't know where Riddle is.
The longer I don't know where he is, the more unnerved I get.
…in the same vein of thought, I bought a cardboard box and enchanted it to highlight the printed word 'found' or 'dead' for any written document placed inside it. It's proving to be a pleasantly fast way of clearing through the newspapers to see if I can find anything interesting, like the dead guy at the beginning of book 4. In related news, a lot of pets get lost around here.
…
[One Week before Transportation]
…
"Ok, guys? Can I have a map to the place?"
We had asked that around the breakfast table. To nobody's surprise, the table falls silent.
The fact that we're usually a silent eater doesn't help any.
"I'm sorry?" Arthur asks for clarification.
"You're not going to be traveling with us, then?" Harry summarizes.
I nod. "I want to move some stuff to the campsite on the day of, so knowing where to go would help a lot."
"The Portkey would be faster." Ron points out. "How much stuff are you moving?"
Ha.
I like how he immediately regretted asking that question.
"A lot." I reply. "I want to bring the stuff for the site and to be honest I'm not comfortable packing it all into a bag of holding."
"The stuff?" Harry mouths to Hermione, who just shrugs.
"A what?" The twins ask.
I pat my utility belt and they go "oh."
"So you're still going to be there, right?" Ron asks.
I was gonna say 'hell yeah' but I don't think Molly would approve. "No doubt about it."
Arthur swallows his mouthful and takes out a map. "Well, the site is unmappable, but this should help you find your bearings."
"We'll put up a sign for you when we get there." Fred says with a grin. I'm a little worried about what the sign will be, but…
"Hey, if I can see it from the sky, it's all good."
Fred and George share a glance and grin maniacally. I approve. However, Molly doesn't, so…
I must amend my statement. "I need to be able to see it for longer than five minutes."
"Aww."
Mrs. Weasley looks quite angry.
…
[Three Days before Transportation]
…
"You're moving all of this stuff?" Sirius asks us.
We're back at the United States Hideout now.
Hideout?
Ohright. I have established hideouts between Britain and the US so we can travel without worry of being discovered. This primarily benefits Sirius, since it means he has a safe location to warp to through apparating with little to no risk of defects.
Apparating across continents is a risky business if you don't have a place to land, and apparating across the pond is dangerous as all hell. Nobody apparates across the pacific.
Yeah…for simplicity's sake, Apparating is basically artillery strikes from your current position to your landing point. The further you are, the less accurate it gets…and comes with a risk of sending you into the Earth. Fortunately the Earth itself rejects a failed apparating destination and will send the bodypart back, which is how splinching or whatever it's called happens.
For this reason, even though we have safe houses, Sirius still refuses to apparate across the pond unless he does it in multiple segments.
Detours into mechanics aside, the American hideout is somewhere in the Midwest. We've obtained and enchanted a warehouse so muggles ignore it, and inside it contains a brightly colored and festively decorated van.
"It's all food." Sirius remarks while carrying packages upon packages of beef. "Why have you bought so much food?"
"Because I'm rich." I reply with zero shame. "Now hurry up."
"Right, right…" Sirius waves his wand and the army of beef dutifully tromp themselves into the van. "Do I get to go?"
"Do you have a disguise?" I ask, but I already know the answer.
Sirius Black snaps his fingers. A crisp black suit and sunglasses appear and dress themselves onto his body.
"Good?" Sirius As Tony Stark grins.
I nod with my dumbass grin at full power. "Damn good, but uh…you forgot pants."
"Ah?" Sirius looks down. "Bah. Living with you has made me soft." He magics in some pants.
"That's a bad thing?" I laugh as rows of mutton file into the van. "I think Molly and Arthur would know who you are, but that's a bridge we'll need to cross at some point anyways."
"'Molly and Arthur', huh?" Sirius laughs. "Alright, I think we've got the food. What else?"
"Tools."
"Tools?"
…
[Day of Transportation]
…
The main group takes the Boot Portkey to the campsite and sets up.
"So what kind of flag are you preparing for our wayward ally, brother Fred?" George asks imperially.
Fred clears his throat. "Well, brother George, I investigated the acts of muggle diplomacy, and I determined that the best way of showing our landing point is…this."
Fred creates a massive glowing flag of the United States and flies it over their camp.
"I believe this is how diplomacy works." Fred grins as Hermione goes 'why would you do this'. "I believe this is how he thinks diplomacy works."
…
[From the Sky]
…
"Oh, look at that." Sirius points down to the (enchanted to be transparent) floor. "Somebody's made a flag for us."
"I can only guess as to who it would be." I reply. The American Flag emblazoned on the ground also includes what looks like a bald eagle flying. "Well, if we're gonna be landing here, then we need ample fanfare."
Flip the switch!
The loudspeaker on our car goes "…and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free…"
For the record: Our American Van has been enchanted by Sirius to be flying.
So yes, we did cross the Atlantic in a van, because fuck you logic. Woo!
…
"Sounds like him, alright." Fred grins as the flying red-white-and-blue Van descends from the heavens.
"WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE STATURE OF SECRECY?!" Hermione, Harry, Molly, Percy, and Bill demanded all at the same time.
"The entire area is covered against muggle intrusion, so we're fine, fine!" Arthur laughs and claps like a small child. "What an entrance! This is wonderful!"
…
Our Van lands with the music still blaring (though we're toned it down some), and we hop out with a 120% idiot grin.
"So, how'd you like my new ride?" I ask.
"You…" Hermione looks like she's about to lose her mind with anxiety. "My god."
This is likely not doing wonders for the image other nations have of Americans, does it?
…
Oh well.
…
So! We bought our tailgating America Van. It's enchanted to be larger on the inside, with further enchantments applied to a built-in fridge to be larger on the inside with immense power conservation. The whole thing's powered by self-turning generators (refined versions of the ones we used to power the Black household).
I bought about ten grand's worth of food. Bad food like hot dogs, good food like steak…you name it, I have it.
Aka more than we will ever be able to eat in one tailgating party.
But of course that's not the whole thing.
I also brought grills, charcoal, gas, lawn chairs, plastic cups, sodas…the works.
If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right.
…
We manned the grill for the most part but had Molly help us with the seasoning.
"This is the American Hot Dog, yes?" Arthur picks up a no don't do that with your bare hands.
…But yes, he picks it up and almost immediately drops it. Molly catches it with a spell though. The way he describes it is very Arthur, too. Sausages are common enough even in the magical world, but he's describing this 12 cent flubbery meatsicle as if it was something extravagant.
…I could learn from his attitude, really.
Molly returns the hotdog to a proper holding receptacle, in this case a hot dog bun.
"Put some of that on it." I gesture to the ketchup and mustard bottles. "Don't drown it, though."
He happily does and then wolfs the entire thing down.
To be honest, it's not exactly the highest quality food and I'm not exactly a good griller, but the experience enhances the taste, right?
…Well, why not?
We gave Arthur the rights to man a grill.
He looked like he was about to cry out of happiness. He gave the tongs the Click of Testing and went to work.
…unfortunately we're now short a grill and up a fire citation, but it's the thought that counts. I'm glad I packed extra extinguishers, too…
…
So, about the Van.
Yes, the mobile command van. Again, it's enchanted to be bigger on the inside. Through use of what I've learned remodeling the Chamber of Secrets I've also remodeled the inside and outside of the van.
The outer layer of the van, underneath the kickass American color scheme, is two layers of 5mm thick steel (aka not thick at all) and a massive wad of cotton in the middle. The cotton is enchanted to divert impact force, so if Voldemort ever gets his hands on machineguns we'll be protected against that. The Van also includes a chaff dispenser so we can protect against incoming spells like the Avada without worrying about, say, a hit killing our engines.
The inside of the van, apart from the storage areas, include bunk beds, lounge, bathroom, and armory. No kitchen or dining areas, though. The Van has bedding for 17 people (4 per bunk bed room and 1 captain). The sleeping areas are a bit cramped, but avoiding excessive useless free room is a good thing.
Lastly, van also includes communication equipment (radios, antenna, cables n'shit) but I don't have the expertise to set it all up. I don't think we'll need to use it in the near future, so I'm not too worried about this part.
…
Well, Van talk aside. The tailgating was as much of a success as it could be. Due to the paintjob of the van and the open grills and the bbq sauce we (I) ended up catering to a lot of tents. I think I ran through half the food I bought.
Now…the other bit. Sirius was in presence and in disguise, but judging by the glances Arthur and Molly were shooting at each other they figured it out towards the tail end of the show.
So! Let's head this off before it balloons out of proportion.
The adults are helping us clean up the mess by magicking the paper plates and empty cups into garbage bags. When full the bags tie themselves and dutifully pile up so we can burn them later.
Given the opportunity (and because I'm very insistent about it being MY van) I'm also doing the chore work.
So let's find an opportunity to actually we're all adults here so fuck that shit
"Hey guys?" I say when I'm sure we're not being overheard (kids are in the tent being overseen by Bill and Charlie). "If you got a minute, we can talk inside the van."
…also, 'inside the van' means nothing good anymore.
You could've just bought an RV.
RVs strike me as an overly American thing and difficult to disguise.
Or a bus.
Nobody wanted to sell me a bus.
And you were too upstanding to steal it?
…Yes. As hard as that is to believe.
…You just didn't think of it, did you.
…Yes. I am ashamed.
My inability to conduct criminal behavior aside, we're now meeting with the three adults inside the van.
"Alright, first off," First impressions are important and we're going to botch it. "Weasleys, Sirius Black. Sirius, Weasleys." At least Sirius is dressed nicely. Can you imagine pitching the idea that he isn't dangerous when he isn't so dapper?
"I suppose there is a reasonable explanation for this." Arthur says calmly while trying to ensure that Mrs. Weasley doesn't hex us into next year. "Ash?"
"Yeah. He's acting as my guardian for the foreseeable future." I shrug.
"I don't mean that." Arthur's having some serious troubles in stopping Mrs. Weasley from hexing us. "I mean…you're a smart boy. Why are you in company with him?"
"That hurts, Arthur." Sirius grins.
Molly looks like she's about to tear a man to shreds. I'm scared.
"I cannot believe you would stay with a murderer, Ash." She puts on her best angry/disappointed/murdermom voice. "I'm disappointed in you." Also I feel like she's picking her response carefully.
However, I am a psychopath. "That's unfortunate…however, I have some pretty good reasons for the company I keep."
I need to keep talking or I'll just get interrupted forever. "First off, I understand that Sirius Black was accused of killing Peter Pettigrew and was thus arrested and jailed for ten years."
"Though that no longer seems to be the case." Arthur mutters.
"Correct. Sirius here got out during my second year."
The two of them are stunned, as expected.
Ok…card one. "Through his assistance, Ron was saved from the Chamber of Secrets. It is entirely possible that, without Sirius, Hogwarts would be closed."
More stunned silence!
Card two. "During combat, we met with a shadow of Voldemort and his assistant Pettigrew."
"What?" Arthur gets his voice back first. "But Peter…"
Is dead? Yeah. "So I heard." I nod. "However, he was certainly there and would have killed Percy if things played out differently."
I'm lying a little here, but eh…it's probably true. Probably.
Also, a little odd that, despite me telling Dunny and McGonagall flat out that 'yo it was Pettigrew down there' that part of the narrative didn't seem to stick. Do they even believe it? Did they?
Molly looks a little shaken up. "You're asking us to believe that he isn't dangerous?"
"I'm a little dangerous." Sirius sulks.
Hmm. "He's…a big baby bent on revenge." I shrug. "So all things considered he is pretty dangerous."
"Damn straight." Sirius grins. I should note that he's wearing a 'kiss the cook' apron over a white t-shirt and a baseball cap.
"I can't take you seriously with that outfit, Sirius." Arthur sighs. "Hard to believe you came out of Azkaban."
"His fault." Sirius grins at me. "He said something about needing to look the part of a free man."
"If I left you alone you'd look like a goddamn mess for the next five years." I shake my head. "Well, in any case, whether if you believe me is up to you, but I do hope that, at the very least, you don't turn against us."
"Turn against you." Arthur chuckles at that. "Whatever could you mean?"
I was actually serious about that, as clichéd and middleschooler as it sounded. "Simple, really: don't frame this problem as the preservation of your family versus doing what's right."
"Do you swear that you will not be a threat against us or Harry?" Molly asks slowly…and threateningly.
Sirius snaps to attention. "Upon my honor as his Godfather, I swear I will not hurt Harry through my actions or intention."
…
Hmm…well, I don't think the Parents are entirely convinced. However, at the very least they're going to simmer instead of boil, so that buys us time until we can come with conclusive proof.
But, the time has come for the game.
…
Lessee…we met the Malfoys, they were snide, Father Malfoy remembers us from back during year 2, and he's not all that happy…Child Malfoy is blathery about getting into boxed seats…so basically nothing important happened.
We were certainly childish enough to bring a massive plate of hotdogs as a counterargument against Draco's box seat advantage.
The Leprechauns dropped gold…their gold, as we know, disappears after some hours…and they're quite warm to the touch. The gold coins also lack any markings that would make it legal tender.
The game played out like it did in the books. The Other Team had a serious passing game and the Krum Team had a balls to the walls Seeker.
Should be obvious but we did not pay attention to the team names.
The time dilation binoculars were cool, though. Wish I could get my hands on one so I can dissect the hell out of it.
…But yeah, it resolved almost exactly like it did in the books.
Krum wins by being a hero, Fred and George makes a bet with money they don't have for money they can't earn….
…Sirius the Notorious Mass Murderer gets to watch the big game in person…
…and we have a moving riot. Y'know.
Standard.
.
.
.
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