My Shitty Isekai Adventure

In the vast universe there is a lot of space and therefore it is not surprising that humanity calls everything that is above the atmosphere space. Since the Big bang the universe kept expanding and the matter formed galaxies which formed clusters of galaxies and danced in a dance directed by the gravity slowly drifting apart.

The slowly part was only applicable if an observer could look at it from outside our universe since the speed was mind boggling for humans. 75 kilometers per second might not seem a lot but considering that at the time this is being written the fastest human object was an unmanned solar probe called Parker's Solar probe which travels at 192 kilometers per second and before that it was a manhole cover that was blasted upwards during a nuclear test that traveled at 55 kilometers per second.

The universe has been expanding for billions of years since its inception. Humanity approximates it at around 14 billion but it could be even older.

In one galaxy at the edge of the universe there was a star system not unlike many others and on it was a planet that gleams with a metallic sheen as it revolves around its central star. It has been in existence for billions of years but the most surprising thing about it was that it was artificial. The whole planet was a shell built around another star of crisscrossed hoops that maintain equilibrium.

The original inhabitants left long ago as if they were not satisfied with the esthetic of this metallic extravaganza but before they left they inhabited it by a workforce which had a very crucial role for the whole universe at least as far they were concerned.

The workforce was a species which resemble octopuses but instead of eight they had many tentacles. Their bodies were purple for males and light purple for females with big eyes. If not for their excess tentacles they could be easily mistaken as octopuses. Their primary job was to be an entertainment and news company for the original occupants. This was the punishment for their entire race as they destroyed a carefully prepared experiment as they went on a conquering expedition. Instead of destroying them outright they had to sign themselves over in servitude for a billion years. Survival often triumphs freedom.

You could say karma's a bitch and their masters cared a lot about karma. As for what they considered to be entertainment it was the equivalent of reality shows on earth which they spiced up using their special means. The more idiotic or extreme the contestants the higher ratings they got, but considering they cared a lot about karma the contestants tended to be karma positive at least on the outside.

Not everyone with positive karma was a good guy and not everyone with negative karma was bad. It all depended on their circumstances.

In an office of a tall building Kvervesh was happily doing his job of assigning entertainment boosters around the universe or as the rest of the universe called them systems. They came in different sizes and shapes. They had different abilities and corresponding golden fingers. The only thing they had incommon was they all came from this place.

As usual he got a list of twenty names, addresses and ages and he quickly imputed twelve of them. As usual he let artificial intelligence choose the most appropriate form of the system. He ran into a bit of a snag as he imputed the thirteenth name.

Galaxy: 754583896

Star:348752251

Planet: 3

As he pressed apply he was shown a blue planet on the holographic screen.

Planet name : Earth

Population: 7,645,644,487

The number kept rising and falling in real time.

'Looks like a nice planet. Not like this piece of artificial junk,' he sighed in his mind.

Name: Zhang Wei

As he pressed apply a number jumped at him.

353,467

'F#$k. F#$k. F#$k. I will be stuck here all day,' he started cursing inwardly.

He suddenly remembered he still had the age of the candidate. The number was so big he forgot about it in shock.

Age: 27

The number changed to 972.

"Fuck me!", he growled in his language as he manually started going over the candidates.

'They should really make it possible to sort them by karmic score. Now I have to go over all of them to find this stupid bastard.'

As he was scrolling the list and finally reached the end he went back to the owner of the highest score and was just about to click apply a voice interrupted him.

"I heard what you said before. Are you in heat like me?"

As he turned around he could see a female of his species approach him and his tentacles raised themselves and hit the holographic screen. One of them clicked the scroll button just before another one clicked apply.

His mind was preoccupied with double the tentacle action of the most extreme tentacle hentais for a second before he realised what he had done.

He thought about it but he figured everything was probably normal and then with a lascivious attitude he responded: "You know me. I am always in heat."

If he had an eyelid he would follow that with a wink probably.

"See you after work?", he hastily asked.

"Sure.", she replied before she returned to her post.

That was about as romantic as it got in their species.

Meanwhile…

Galaxy: 754583896

Star:348752251

Planet: 3

Zhan Wei aged 27 just returned from work and found a big package in front of his door.

'What the hell is this.I didn't order anything.'

He put it away in his room anyway before he scavenged his fridge for food.

Taking out some toast bread and some bologna he made himself a sandwich. As he chewed on his tasteless sustenance to lessen his hunger he thought about how he found himself in this dinky apartment.

Five years ago he was happily studying in a prestigious university in the USA before his parents who were the reason he was there in the first place decided to visit him. Their visit was tragic to say the least.

As they wanted to surprise him they rented a cab from the airport which unfortunately was run over by an eighteen wheeler at a crossroad.

His father died three days after the accident and his mother followed two days after. His father ran a rather successful company in China but Zhang Wei had no direct access to the money so when the US hospital bills kept coming he spent all his savings and even borrowed from a loan shark to send their caskets to the homeland to be buried.

The loan shark made him leave his passport as collateral. Unfortunately after he did that he didn't even have enough money to buy himself an airplane ticket and he also needed a new passport.

Normally this would not be a problem since he was the only direct heir and he figured he would get help from his relatives like they promised after he called them with the tragic news. Things soon changed. His bank account and his credit cards were frozen and his relatives were suddenly unavailable.

First it was his uncle and aunt who didn't pick up his phone call when he tried to find out if the caskets arrived at their hometown. Next time he called them all he got was a busy signal. The same thing happened with his cousins. He got a burner phone and called and it rang but they didn't pick up since they could see an US number calling.

Things were highly suspicious and he finally got his answer when he called his childhood friends who were surprised he was still alive.

His uncle had declared him dead in the same accident and buried him along with his parents to steal his inheritance as the next in line. That was the conclusion to which he arrived after two weeks. Somehow they even managed to buy off the embassy and five consulates and they would not grant him a meeting at any that he tried.

The loan shark was surprisingly the only one who helped him during his predicament. He gave him a job and a place to live. He only passingly mentioned breaking his legs if he didn't work off his loans every now and then.

He had to quit his school and pay off the loan shark before he could even think about getting back what rightfully belonged to him. His status as an undocumented immigrant didn't help either. He had to work seven days a week for twelve hours just to make ends meet.

His worldly possessions were his phone and a bunch of cheap clothes. Everything else he sold off to pay the loan shark or the hospital.

As he munched on the last part of the sandwich he looked at the box.

"I wonder if I can even connect it since I don't have internet by either cable or WiFi," he mumbled.

Finally the curiosity got the better of him and he opened the box. Looking at the manual. He tossed it away before opening the rest of the protective covers. Inside it was an oversized bicycle helmet that made him look like he was a mushroom man as he put it on.

The on button was clearly visible and he pressed it.

Suddenly he was overwhelmed by a sense of weightlessness and from the initial darkness he found himself looking at the stars and he felt like falling from a great height.

He chose HUGE naturally…

He thought about it and tried to choose all three and it worked.

Finally the view of stars changed as the blackness rescinded and a blue sky appeared. Soon he fell through a cloud and started to feel the air resistance. He managed to turn around only to see the ground of a huge planet quickly closing in towards him.

He remembered a line from a famous book.

"Maybe it's friendly."

"Fuuuuuuuuu…. You! Logout!!!" were his last words before he suddenly decelerated 50 m off the ground and came to halt 10 cm above it. Then suddenly he dropped on his nose.

Spitting out some grass he accidentally bit on he stood up. Falling from 10 centimeters he was not hurt at all but he was annoyed.

Looking around all he saw was an endless plain of grass except there was a dust storm in one direction. There was nothing remotely interesting for him here except for the feeling of realism. He could smell the grass and feel the wind. He could feel his body and the effect gravity had on it, but that was it. It was basically no different than standing in the middle of the prairie on Earth.

"Logout."

Nothing happened.

"Quit."

Nothing happened.

"Exit game."

Nothing happened.

"Menu!"

Nothing happened.

"F#$# YOU. I don't have time for this." he yelled at the sky.

"Forget it. You are stuck here and I am stuck here with you until you die." suddenly a voice interrupted his banter.

章 1: Done in By Multipus Erectus

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