章 11: Naruto (3) [2]
It was in that moment, as I watched Anko leaving the classroom followed by Mito, Karin and Yakumo, that I understood what Jackie Chan felt every time he said 'my brain is full of fuck'.
Because my brain was full of fuck. Both metaphorically and also literally, because both me and Sasuke were currently shouting 'what the fuck' over and over again. Furthermore, I suspected my real expression now looked more than a little plastic, because Iruka and Naruko were shooting me worried glances.
"Alternate universe, remember?" Tsuna told me with a soothing tone.
'Alternate universe or not, nothing prepared me for this level of deviation. And I'm calling it deviation to be polite, instead of just using the correct term: mindfuckery!' I protested. 'I can accept Anko Mitarashi getting assigned a Genin Team, after all in canon the only thing harming her career was the stigma of having been Orochimaru's disciple-'
"You forgot the Cursed Seal on her shoulder, making her a security risk." Sasuke interrupted me with a dry tone. "Considering I revived Orochimaru using it, that label was more than warranted."
'About that. How did you know it was possible to summon Orochimaru's soul using the Cursed Seal? And how did you do it anyway? I thought Itachi sealed him?'
"I knew because I spent months suppressing his consciousness within my own Seal once I realized I couldn't get rid of him. And because of the notes that Orochimaru left around in his various hideouts." He explained. "I admit I underestimated how stubborn that snake freak was... Regarding the Sword of Totsuka Itachi used, honestly it was a gamble: I was hoping the Summoning Technique was powerful enough to overcome the seal. Only later I realized the seal weakened with Itachi's death, making it possible in the first place."
'...You sure looked confident back then.' I remarked. Seeing him resurrect Orochimaru with Anko's Cursed Seal and a bit of Kabuto's Senjutsu Chakra happened so out of the blue, I always thought Sasuke always knew how to do it and kept the method as a desperation plan in case things turned dire enough.
"The snake freak spent most of his life searching for a method to become immortal, I just trusted him to know every possible trick to avoid dying. And wow, did I just say I trusted Orochimaru with something?"
'Yes, you did.' Meanwhile Iruka put an end to the Team Assignation, telling us to wait for our Jounin-Sensei to come before leaving the classroom.
"None of them should be too late." He added. Either he didn't know about Kakashi or he did and was privately laughing at our expense. "But if they do, you're free to take a break and eat something. The Jounin-Sensei have been already warned, so don't worry about offending them."
'How generous of them.' I thought while Iruka left the room. Still, at least that gave me enough time to put my thoughts in order. 'Putting aside the matter of Anko, since to find the answer we can just ask around with some discretion-'
"Yes, let's." Sasuke replied. "Now, I'll ask once again: who is Hyakutake Mito, and what the hell is a QQ?"
Oooh, boy! How to answer that? Diplomatically?
Impossible, totally impossible. So I may as well go for the brutal truth and thank my lucky star Sasuke was confined within my mind. 'Remember how your world is considered fiction in my own? If a certain story becomes famous enough, then many fans start writing and drawing stuff based on that story: drawings of the main characters, for example, but more often than not they write more stories based on that specific setting. We call them fanfics, and they take many forms: stories that explore how things would change if a certain character survived instead of dying, if something in the background was different and so on. Basically, they are the fantasies of certain people put into words.'
"...I think I understand. But wouldn't that count as copyright infringement if shared? I'm assuming they are shared, otherwise you wouldn't know of them."
'In my world, sharing fanfics breaks the copyright only if you gain money by doing so. Sharing them freely, on the other hand, is perfectly legal.' I explained. 'Most people who write fanfics do so for fun, so not making money out of them is not an issue.'
"So Hyakutake Mito is a character in one of those stories?"
'Yes. I already explained the Internet to you, that's how most fanfics are shared. Thanks to its nature it's also possible for writers to make quests, which consist of writing a story in real time taking advantage of the readers' suggestions. An interactive story, so to speak. Mito was the protagonist of one of those quests, and QQ was the site where it was hosted: it's an acronym, the full name is Questionable Questing.'
"That's not a suspicious name. At all." Sasuke remarked with a dry tone.
'Well yes, the content was mostly pornographic in nature.' I admitted without shame, for I got over that a long time ago. 'Anyway, in the quest that interest us Hyakutake Mito was one of the civilian-born Academy Students that were part of our class. She was not anything special... well, at the beginning. Long story short, due to specific decisions, a lot of luck and some bribing to the author from the readers -nothing monetary- by graduation's time Mito was a pretty strong Kunoichi, and her actions changed things around her. Mostly for the better. Why, she even helped her version of Sasuke become happier!'
"...Send me the relevant memories." Sasuke asked- no, ordered.
I hesitated. 'Are you sure?'
"Do it. Now." He insisted.
'As you wish.' It was one of my favorite quests on QQ, so I had no problems recalling my memories of it and sending them to Sasuke.
"Earth to Sasuke." Naruko waved a hand in front of my face. "Are you alright? You haven't moved at all since Iruka-Sensei left."
"...There's a ringing in my ears." I replied with an even tone while turning my head to look at her. Meanwhile, Sasuke was screaming at the top of his lungs that he did not have a spanking fetish. "It's strong, and distracting."
"Ah-ha!" The blonde pointed at me. "Someone's thinking about you!"
"That's possible." I acknowledged with a nod, even though I knew in this specific instance it was wrong. "So, we're teammates now."
"Yup! Me, you and Hinata-chan! That's great!" She grinned again, then made a troubled expression while looking behind her shoulder. "Although, since Iruka-sensei announced the teams the other girls kept sending me funny looks."
That was jealousy, and quite fierce to boot. In Sakura and Ino's case I could also see tears of bitter regret, probably because the ones to be put into the same team as me were two of the few girls who didn't pursue me in some way beforehand. Yeah, you could really taste the irony.
"And look!" She pointed to the other side of me, where one of what I dubbed 'generic classmates' was sitting on. "There are also some boys looking at you funnily."
"Uchiha, you bastard!" The, honestly, average-looking boy hissed with hatred. "I wanted to be put into the same team as Hinata-chan!"
Wow, the highschool comedy was strong here. "Did a Hyuga that is not Hinata-san ever looked at you before?"
The unexpected question seemed to throw him for a loop. "...No?"
"You have your answer then." I replied with finality before returning to the stoic Gendo pose. If there was one thing I was sure remain unchanged even across multiple universes, is that most of the Hyuga are prideful assholes.
So really, I was doing Average-kun a favor.
====
Soon only Naruko, Hinata and myself were left within the classroom. Everyone else already left with their own Jounin-Sensei. Beside Anko, Kurenai and Asuma I didn't recognize any of the other Jounin, but memorized their faces and names anyway since it could be useful in the future.
The blonde dragged the stammering and blushing Hinata to the spot Average-kun vacated so I, as the considerate young man I was, nobly and cooly switched seats with Naruko so that the two of them could converse without problems.
"Rather than a conversation, I would call that an one-sided monologue." Rito pointed out.
'Well, Hinata is producing sounds. That counts, right?'
"You guys are having fun at the strangest things." Ranma remarked.
'As if you're any better.' I replied while opening my bento and taking one of the rice balls I prepared this morning. I was starting to miss Western junk food like hamburgers. 'How's Sasuke?'
"Currently being teased by Laharl about 'human's degenerate habits' or something. Headbutts are involved." Minato answered. Yeah, he really shouldn't have screamed that shit out loud. "By the way, Riku, Tsuna and Issei left to explore a little while ago. Tsuna said he had a good feeling this time."
'Really? Must be true then.' If the owner of Hyper Intuition said he has a good feeling, then it's guaranteed to be something amazing.
Finishing the rice ball I cleaned my mouth before addressing the other girls. "There is something I would like to talk about with you all before our Sensei arrive."
"Sure!" Naruko nodded without hesitation. Hinata's reaction was more subdued, but also positive. That said she was still a pushover right now so, eh. Not that I wanted to bully her or anything. "What do you want to talk about, Sasuke?"
"Starting from now we're teammates, and we're going to remain so for at least several months. While our Jounin-Sensei will surely teach us how to work as a team-" Here I made a great effort to not laugh. "I believe it would be best if each of us know about the strength and weaknesses of the other two. This will make working and fighting together much easier."
"Oooh, I see!" Naruko crossed her arms and nodded. "That makes sense. Right Hinata-chan?"
"Y-Yes. I agree with Sasuke-kun." She replied, index fingers pushed together. Serious shy beauty material there, I could see why some people went gaga over cute things.
"Good. I'll go first then." I said. "I consider myself skilled in Taijutsu, with an emphasis on speed. For Ninjutsu I know a few fire-based techniques of the Uchiha clan. So..."
I smirked and pointed a thumb at myself. "If you need to set something on fire, I am your man."
Both girl's eyes widened as they moved away from him. "Did Sasuke-kun... just made a joke?" Hinata whispered in horrified awe.
"Who are you and what did you do to Sasuke?!" Naruko yelled.
Wow. Their words actually hurt me. "I try loosening up, and this is what I get?" I dropped the smile into a frown. It was telling, that even Hinata of all people found what should have been just a harmless joke unreal when it came from Sasuke Uchiha.
"You never loosened up before!"
I rolled my eyes. "While technically true, now I am a Genin and I also officially an adult, which means that, yes, I can afford to loosen up."
Naruko blinked in surprise. "Wait. If you become a Genin you also become an adult? Without having to wait until you're twenty?" Twenty? Now that she mentioned it, I remembered the age of adulthood in Japan is higher than just eighteen. "I didn't know that!"
"Well, it's true." I shrugged. "And since I'm not a minor anymore, that means I can stop being always on my best behavior in order to avoid giving greedy people an excuse to take advantage of the Uchiha Clan's assets."
"Can you shorten all that stuff to twenty words or less?" The blonde asked.
For a split second the figure of Naruko was superimposed with that of a certain overpowered baldie, causing a shiver to travel down my back. Good thing I didn't have the Sharingan activated, otherwise not even literal bleach in my brain would be enough to forget the nightmarish sight. "I own a lot of stuff. I'm an adult now, so people cannot take my stuff using silly excuses. Satisfied?"
"See? That wasn't so hard!" Naruko showed me a bright smile. She crossed her arms and nodded. "It's true, when you become an adult you can do a lot of stuff that you couldn't before. Like... like..."
She stopped, then turned around to look at Hinata. "Hinata-chan, what is it that adults can do but kids cannot?"
"Uh..." She pressed the tips of her index fingers together even harder, the blush intensifying. "I don't... I-I mean..."
I slapped a hand over my face. "We're getting off topic here. As I was saying, I know a few fire-based techniques of the Uchiha clan. I'm very good with shuriken and kunai, and know a few tricks with ninja wire to change their path and trap my enemies. Finally, you already know how good my grades are. There's more, but I haven't mastered it yet so for now I'll keep it to myself." I gestured with my chin to the two girls. "Your turn."
Naruko pointed a thumb at herself, a cocky smile on her lips. "One day I'm gonna master every cool technique in existence!" I raised an eyebrow, silently telling her she's skipping too far ahead. "But for now... Well, Iruka-Sensei said my Taijutsu is almost decent, and he needed to explain what chakra exhaustion is in details because apparently I was never going to experience it on my own..."
Jinchuuriki, 'nuff said. Having an infinite MP bar sure was unfair on so many levels.
"I know the Transformation, Body Replacement and Clone techniques! Even if Clone is my worst skill... But! I learned a much better version called Shadow Clone Technique and it's super amazing!" Naruko punched her palm. "I also came up with my very own original technique, the Sexy-"
"Naruko." I raised a hand to stop her, a fist covering my mouth because the urge to grin was making my lips twitch like crazy. "While seeing you pranking Iruka-Sensei was funny, please don't use that technique against an enemy ninja or you'll give Konoha a bad reputation."
Going by Hinata's nuclear blush, she agreed with me.
The blonde pouted, but stopped there and turned to look at Hinata. "Uhm... I know my clan's Taijutsu style, the Gentle Fist, but I'm not very good at it yet." Bullshit of the highest order, but even I knew confidence isn't build in a day. "Iruka-sensei praised my Chakra Control? And... I have the Byakugan." She looked down. "Sorry, that's pretty much it."
Naruko tilted her head. "Byagukan? What's that?"
"Do you know about Bloodlines? Iruka-sensei explained about that when discussing the formation of Shinobi Clans." Naruko seemed to think about it before nodding. "The Byakugan is the Hyuga Clan's Bloodline. To put it simply, Hinata-san's eyesight is extremely good and she can see very far away. There's more to it of course, but that's not for me to say."
I adopted a thinking pose. "Let's see... This is just a preliminary analysis, but here's what I think. Naruko, you have a very high amount of Chakra, which means during a fight you can keep using Techniques without getting tired. Hinata-san, it's the honest truth when I say the Gentle Fist is superior to my own Taijutsu. All three of us can still grow stronger, but for now-" I snapped my fingers. "Hinata-san, you're our short-range hitter. I'll be the medium-range one. Naruko, with your Shadow Clones you can cover the long-range hitter role and everything else that may become necessary, like distractions. Got it?"
"Leave it to me!" Naruko grinned with a thumb-up, while Hinata just replied with a meek 'yes'.
Kurenai may have taught Hinata how to use the Byakugan to scout, and while that was a very good thing I was going to make sure she also knew how to punch good. In Naruko's case, well... At the moment I just wanted to teach her how to breath fire.
"You're a madman." Sasuke declared with a deadpan tone.
'If one has the chakra to spare, why not put it to good use?'
"The whole Konoha will turn into a smoking wasteland and it will be all your fault."
The classroom's door opened, followed by Kakashi Hatake taking a lazy half-step inside. Now that I was able to look at the real thing... yeah, I could see why Kishimoto named him 'scarecrow'. Mostly it was because of the hair, did he even comb them at all or was I looking at the worst case of bed-hair in the world?
"Hmmm. How can I say this...?" Kakashi took a few seconds to look at us before raising his eyes to the ceiling, one hand cupping his chin. "My first impression... is that I really have my work cut out."
Damn, did we really look so unreliable? Or was Kakashi just an asshole?
"You'll learn the truth soon enough." Sasuke's bitter laugh did nothing to help reassure me.
====
One thing I forgot about the Ninja Academy is that it has more than one rooftop. Sounds strange, but it's the truth: the place where they took a picture of me was a flat circular spot located in the middle of the main building, while the spot where Kakashi dragged us was above one of the side wings. There were trees growing out of medium-sized flower-beds and even a proper balustrade, plus it had a nice view of the Village: add a pleasant breeze and it would make for a perfect picnic spot.
Sadly, nothing as nice as a picnic was going to take place today. Because we, members of the newly established Team Seven, were seated in front of our Jounin-Sensei and with more than half his face covered I couldn't get a good reading on what he was currently thinking. Not an obstacle for Hyper Intuition, true, but at the moment everything else about Kakashi was overshadowed by the general feeling of power coming off him. I needed to interact with him more to start picking up minute details.
"Ok... Let's begin with some introductions." Kakashi mused with a distracted tone, his only visible eye screaming 'lazy, so lazy, I just want to sleep already'. Yeah, it was a very expressive eye.
"What do you want to know?"
"How about your likes, dislikes... Dreams for the future, hobbies, stuff like that." He shrugged, as if making up things on the spot.
"Hey hey! Why don't you introduce yourself to us first?" Naruko asked with an annoyed expression. I definitely needed to teach her how to stop picking fights with everyone, otherwise none of us will ever have some peace and quiet.
"The more people there are after you, the sharper your skills will be honed."
'No Ranma. Just, just no.' There was more to life than fighting and nothing would stop me from enjoying it.
"Oh, me? My name is Kakashi Hatake. I have no desire to tell you guys about my likes and dislikes. Dream for the future...? Hmm..." There was a pregnant pause, as if he never thought about that topic before. "I have a lot of hobbies."
Naruko looked unsatisfied and Hinata was just meekly accepting everything. So I decided to have some fun on my own. "Kakashi Hatake. Known as Copycat Kakashi and Kakashi of the Sharingan. Student of the Fourth Hokage." I began, hiding a smile from seeing Kakashi stiffen and Naruto gaping in wonder at the silver-haired man. Even Hinata was now staring at him. "Despite not being a Uchiha by birth he received his Sharingan from a deceased teammate and became very adept at its use, especially when it comes to copying techniques from enemies. Because of this and many other feats he's on the short list of possible Hokage candidates."
Kakashi rubbed his chin, his sole visible eye staring at me with idle curiosity. Faked of course, but part of the game was to keep certain things unsaid. "Hmm... I'm surprised. I didn't know I was famous about young Genin."
"My father, Fugaku Uchiha, told me about you: he said it was possible you would be chosen as my teacher one day." I answered. It was the perfect cover story: according to the timeframe Fugaku was already Clan Head when Kakashi received the Sharingan, and obviously the Uchiha would pay special attention to someone from outside their Clan being able to use their precious bloodline. Hell, I doubt he could have kept Obito's eye without Fugaku's explicit approval.
"Fugaku-dono spoke about me? And here I thought he considered me a bothersome subject." Kakashi commented. I couldn't be 100% sure he bought the last lie, but there was nothing he could do to demonstrate the contrary. At least for now. "Did he say anything else?"
I pretended to think about it before answering with a light tone, as if it was an everyday topic. "He also said you're hopelessly addicted to pornography."
Being a bastard felt sooo good.
Hinata blushed, Naruko laughed and Kakashi's eyebrow twitched. "I see Fugaku-dono was not a man to mince words even in private."
Well, I couldn't really deny that.
"Enough about me. Now it's your turn." The older shinobi switched to a false cheerful voice. "Let's start from the right."
"Me!!! Me!!!" Naruko waved her hand frantically. "My name is Naruko Uzumaki. I like cup ramen. What I like even more is when Iruka-Sensei pays for it. I dislike waiting for ramen to cook, and my dream..." She raised her bangs to show clearly the leaf symbol on her headband. "Is to surpass the Hokage and then have the people of this Village acknowledge my existence! Hobbies, pranks I guess."
"You have it backward." I spoke before anyone else could say something.
"Uh?" Naruko looked at me in confusion.
"Having the Village acknowledge your existence, in other words earning the respect of everyone, is one of the prerequisites to become Hokage." I explained. "After all, only someone with the support of all of Konoha's citizens can rightfully call themselves their leader."
Then I shrugged. "Well, that's my opinion based on how the past Hokage came to power."
"Not a bad conclusion, Sasuke-kun." Kakashi commented. "The actual selection process is a bit more complicated than that, but it's true having a great amount of respect or influence in the Ninja World is a necessary quality for every prospective Hokage."
"No way!" Naruko looked so shocked, her twintails were standing up. Her arms were crossed, fingers pointed in different directions. "But then why Konohamaru... That brat! Getting my hopes up for nothing!"
That was her fault for taking a kid's words seriously.
"Oh well, this changes nothing! I'll become a super-strong and super-famous ninja, to the point they'll beg me to take the Old Man's hat! Believe it!"
If Tsunade became the Fifth Hokage like in canon then she'll be more than willing to pass the duties to someone else. Well, provided they have a minimum of competence: she wasn't that irresponsible. I hoped.
"It's good you're enthusiastic about your dream, Naruko-chan, but give your teammates the chance to make their own introductions." Kakashi looked at me. "Next."
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha." I began. Now, how to say the truth while staying in character as Sasuke? "I like training and tomatoes. What I dislike... a few things, but mostly those who threaten what I care about."
Those were all things I had in common with Sasuke, so it was the truth.
"My dreams... I have both goals and a dream." I took on a more serious tone. "My first goal is to avenge my Clan and kill a certain man."
Note that 'a certain man' does not necessarily mean Itachi.
"My second goal is to rebuild the Uchiha's clan." There I faked a troubled expression, as if my next words gave me mixed feeling. Best to not appear too confident. "Even if, since I'm the last Uchiha loyal to Konoha, that means I'll need to revive certain... practices from the Warring States Period. Which I hope are still legal."
"Certain practices from the Warring States Period?" Kakashi tilted his head, as if deep in thought... Until he gifted me what I could only describe as a 'eye-smile'. "Oh, Sasuke-kun. You little rascal. Eheheheh!"
Creepy. I mean what he was thinking was probably right, but still. Way too creepy.
Naruko tilted her head in confusion, arms crossed. "What kind of practices?" Even Hinata looked curious.
Did I really have to explain it in front of this perverted scarecrow? Oh well: in for a penny...
"I need to revive a whole clan, which means at the very least dozens of members." I explained while looking at anything but Kakashi. "But I'm a single man, so sheer necessity dictates I spread my genes as much as possible. That means taking multiple wives, and after what happened to my family I will accept only skilled and dedicated Kunoichi. I don't wish to lose anymore loved ones."
Hinata was now resembling a luminescent tomato, while Kakashi was chuckling even more creepily.
Naruko, bless her pure soul, merely looked interested at what for her must have been something completely new. "I didn't know you can marry more than one person! All the other children always had one Dad and one Mom, I assumed that was the rule."
"Nowadays, yes. Outside of some old-fashioned Noble clans I mean. But during the Warring States Period Ninja died a lot more frequently than today, so to avoid becoming extinct most clans allowed their members to have multiple consorts." Concubines too, but that was another whole can of worms. "The gist of it is that I want a big family, and that means more than just two people."
"Make sense!" Naruko thrust a fist in the air and grinned. "Don't worry Sasuke, even if it's forbidden once I'm Hokage I'll pass a law to allow it. You owe me one!"
"Much appreciated." I nodded to her. Meanwhile Kakashi was shaking in barely suppressed mirth, and Hinata had a glazed look in her eyes. "And for my dream... to change the world in some way, so what happened to me won't happen to anyone else."
"...Change the world, uh?" It was for just a moment, but I could swear a melancholic note entered Kakashi's voice. I wondered if this wasn't the first time he heard something like that from a young boy full of hope. "What kind of change?"
"I don't know yet, but I guess the experience I'll accumulate as a Shinobi will help me find an answer." I scoffed. "Beside, I'm only twelve for fuck's sake: cut me some slack, Sensei."
"Mhhh." Kakashi gave a little hum of acknowledgement, eye still smiling. "Ok. And lastly, the girl."
Hinata tried to sink into her hoodie like a turtle. Turtle-Hinata? Now that was an idea. "Uuh... I am Hinata Hyuga. I like cheerful people... who are kind. I dislike... people who hurt others for no reason. My dream is to become stronger... and be acknowledged by my father."
Could I fix Hinata's disastrous home life? Of course I could, so a better question was: how? Well, increasing her confidence was a good start.
"Alright. That's enough of that." Kakashi clapped his hands. "We begin our duties tomorrow, and we'll start with something between just the four of us."
"What is it? What is it?" Naruko asked.
"Survival Training." Kakashi replied with a half-lidded stare.
Naruko and Hinata were obviously confused at the notion of more training. I, who knew what was coming, just remained silent and waited.
"This isn't normal training." The Jounin added. "I'm your opponent."
"Is that why it's different?" The blonde asked again.
Kakashi merely gave a laugh. "Well, you see, when I tell you this you guys are going to freak out... You see, of all twenty-seven graduates only nine are going to become Genin. The rest will be sent back to the Academy. Tomorrow's training is a super difficult test with a failure rate of over 66%."
Naruko and Hinata made a good impression of someone who caught their parents still having sex. No really, it was just the right blend of existential horror and comical capable of making even a saint experience schadenfreude.
Still, they were my teammates so I was contractually obliged to come to their rescue. "And? 36% are still good odds. We just need to be part of those nine future Genin." I smirked. "You aren't getting rid of us that easily, Kakashi-Sensei."
"Sasuke's right!" Naruko hollered. "Whatever this test is, bring it on!"
Hinata didn't speak, but offered a meekly nod.
"Fired up, are you? Good, good." Kakashi eye-smiled again. "Meet me on training ground number seven tomorrow morning, 7 am sharp. Prepare every advantage you have. Oh, and I suggest you skip breakfast, lest you throw it all up."
With a whoosh of leaves the man Shunshin-ed away, leaving us three behind.
With a fluid motion I stood up and put both hands inside my pockets. "Naruko, Hinata-san. Let's go."
"Go where?"
I showed them a confident grin. "To do what every good Ninja does before undertaking a mission: find out everything about their future target."
The Ninja of this world may be literal Kung-Fu Wizards, but that was no reason to not take inspiration from the traditional sneaky type.
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