章 20: 19: Lost
PORSCHE
The sky had started to lighten up and I have no idea what time it is or how long I'd been sleeping. What I do know is that I feel a lot better than I did yesterday. Even though I'm still sore in some places, my condition has improved from what it was before.
"Are you awake already?" A raspy voice echoes from my back as Kinn, who is holding my hand, starts to stir. His breath fanning across the back of my neck gives me instant chills.
"..."
"Did you sleep well?" He asks quietly.
"Yeah." I also answer softly. I don't want to admit it, but his embrace is really warm and I'm feeling somewhat attached to it.
"Then get up now. You're hurting my arm, it's getting numb." Kinn's tone was playful.
"Let my hand go. Then I'll get up." I say in a matter-of-fact tone.
I pry open his hand and hurriedly push me away from his body. Kinn lets out a low, manly chuckle and eventually sits up. After a few stretches, he stands and picks up his shirt. He then lifts mine and throws it in my direction making me jerk up my hands to catch it. I immediately put my shirt on and noticed that Kinn was pacing towards the entrance of the cave.
"Where are you going?" I ask him.
"I'll just check the sky. Wait here, I'll be right back."
I didn't respond to him and just sat there looking at his broad back as he left. Last night, as much as I hate to admit, the feeling of his warm skin against mine was so comfortable as if I was sleeping on a soft bed, with a warm blanket covering me. And what's worse, I didn't find it bothering me at all and allowed him to cuddle me until morning. I shook my head, trying my best to snap out of my delusion, and looked for some wet leaves to put out the remainder of the fire. We need to get away from this place or everything about this forest will drive me fucking insane.
How far have we gone into the woods? I'm afraid that we ran so fast yesterday that we won't be able to find our way out of this forest. At least I'm not alone. It's been half an hour, but there's still no sign of Kinn coming back, so I decide to look for him. Did he get lost? With the thickness of the trees and the darkness of the forest, the possibility of him losing his way is real. I know I shouldn't be scared like this, but the thought of Kinn getting lost in the forest is making me extremely anxious.
I'm still his head bodyguard, so his safety is my priority. That's it, that's probably the reason why I'm like this, right?
I walk a few meters away from the cave as I keep looking for Kinn but there is still no trace of the bastard yet. Did he run away and leave me alone here in the forest? Maybe he already thought of me as a burden, so he just left me here to starve. The fucking bastard is cunning, so my theory may be right.
I was immersed in my thoughts when suddenly a strange noise caught my attention. My footsteps halt as I reach a riverbank and I frown. The sudden sound of a wood cracking and a heavy impact of something hitting the water reaches my ears, making me flinch in fear. I try to lessen the tension I suddenly feel by considering that it was probably Kinn playing with the water. But the other part of me screams that maybe he was abducted by some kind of forest creature and now he is being chopped to death.
I don't want to see it with my own eyes, but my feet betray me, and I walk quickly in the direction of the sound.
"What the hell are you doing Kinn!?" I suck in a breath of air and walk over to see Kinn holding a wooden spear? When I recovered from my surprise, I figure he probably made it from nearby branches.
"Are you hungry?" He didn't answer my question but answered me with a question, too. Then he focuses on all his attention on whatever it is he is doing.
"A little." I finally answered him.
"Just wait a bit more. And oh, you can wash your face on that nearby stream first." He instructs and I just nodded in reply.
Keeping my gaze on him as I walk towards the stream in confusion. Kinn takes a step back and then heaves forward towards the water in an awkward manner, making me frown even more. I squat down at the edge of the river and splash my face with the water from the flowing stream. It was cold but it was enough to make me feel refreshed. I continued washing my face and my arms, but Kinn kept on splashing water in every direction.
I'm annoyed as hell at his playing and can't bear it anymore, so I stand up and walk towards Kinn.
"For God's sake, what on earth are you doing, Kinn?" I asked him while my hands rested loosely on my waist.
"Catching a fish. What else?" He said this without even looking in my direction. Just staring seriously at the water while holding the long, pointed stick in his hand and lousily poking and stabbing randomly at the water.
"Huh? What the fuck kind of fish are you trying to catch?" I ask in surprise.
"We're stuck in the forest, of course, we need some food. Have you ever played a survival game before?" He spoke confidently and my mouth was left hanging open from his answer.
I was stunned for a moment, and eventually came to my senses, then tried to hold back my building laughter. This bastard is so naive, that he thinks he will be able to catch a fish by just randomly spearing it into the water. Are you fucking kidding me, Kinn? Not even the most stupid fish will get caught with that sloppy method.
"At first I was trying to find a chicken to catch, I looked everywhere but I still couldn't find one. So let's just settle for fish first." I, who was drinking the water in the stream, almost spat it out at Kinn's answer.
A chicken? In the forest? Is the last movie you watched 'Angkor'? This is not some kind of movie, in which chickens will just magically appear out of nowhere Kinn.
Unable to contain my laughter, I go to a nearby banana tree and see that it has fruit in it. I reach out my hands and pick out the ripe ones for me to eat. Then I sit down beside the tree and stare at the stupid Kinn, who keeps stabbing the water randomly. If that water could speak, it would have probably cursed Kinn to death. But we got to give our young Master credit for taking his shit seriously.
I laugh quietly to myself.
Another side of him is unlocked, and it is so fucking refreshing to see. I watch his little facade for a long time and just comfortably sit beside the banana tree
eating its fruit.
"Damn it! Why is it so hard to catch a fish!?" Kinn said in frustration.
"So that's what you're trying to catch? I thought you were doing a ritual and dancing around." I said to him while holding in my laughter.
"What did you say?" He snarled at me.
"Nothing." I immediately answer and turn my head in the other direction. The bastard gives me a hard look and eventually says.
"I saw the water rippling and I thought that it was fish swimming around. But it turns out, it is not." He's been thwarted and turns to look at me with a sullen face,
"So what the fuck are you doing?"
"Eating?" I say in a matter-of-fact voice.
"Why didn't you tell me that there are bananas ready to eat?" Kinn walked towards me.
"Well, you said you wanted a fish. I didn't want to pop your fantasy bubble." I stuff a piece of banana in my mouth as Kinn walks toward me and grabs a banana of his own.
"Why is it so easy in the game?" He sighs and I almost choked on my banana while wiping the sides of my
mouth.
You are amazing, Kinn. Amazingly stupid.
"Is it now?" I reply to him, again holding in my laughter.
"Hurry up! We still need to find our way out. The sky is already getting darker than before. We need to get out of here, otherwise, we'll be caught in the rain and stuck here again, like last night." Kinn threw a banana peel at my head. It landed on my face, and I was about to snap at him, but it will just be a waste of time and energy. This little shit.
"Do you remember which way you ran?" I ask him. But he only makes a face full of confusion and turns his gaze towards the other direction, while counting something over with his fingers.
"Do you remember or not?" I ask him again in a threatening voice. "Don't you fucking answer me that you didn't know because I already warned you that it's dark, but you still carelessly continued running like a barbaric psycho!"
"Your fever has already gone down, hasn't it?" Kinn suddenly changed the subject, speaking in a soft tone as he placed his hand over my forehead, catching me off guard. I was about to say something to him, but I swallowed my thoughts together with my anger because of his gesture.
"Y-Yeah. I guess." I managed to reply.
When the both of us were full, I waited for Kinn to figure out where we were going. He said he knew where we were heading and was familiar with this place, so I just followed him around like an obedient dog. But some part of me just can't get myself to trust that tone in his voice.
"Are you sure this is the way?" I ask him, full of doubt, while I stand lazily on my feet and hold my waist loosely. I'm starting to wonder if we'll be able to survive here or not. Because whenever Kinn takes three steps forward, he then takes four steps back. This bastard is making me dizzy as if my fever is coming back.
"Come on, trust me. I saw that tree on the way in last time." He said to me, making me in disbelief.
"Saw that tree on the way in my ass, we've been past that same tree for three times now, you bastard!" I replied in frustration.
This filthy ass Kinn acts like he knows everything but turns out he doesn't! How I wish I wasn't unconscious at the time so at least we'd have a chance to get out.
"Then let's walk towards the north. I'm sure that is the way out." He said, looking back at me.
"And where the hell is north?" I ask back.
"This way." Kinn confidently says and points towards the path that we are walking on. I give him a look and let out a long sigh, wanting to shout out in exasperation.
"How the fuck do you know!?" I yell at him, unable to take it anymore, and immediately halt my steps.
You randomly stabbed on the river for a fish and even pass over the same tree three times in a row, and now you expect me to believe you? Fuck the hell, Kinn.
"Let's just walk." Kinn talks to me while holding my wrist in his hand.
I was about to say something again, but I noticed that he keeps on pinching the side of his temples with his other hand. Clearly, our little master is irritated, and I know quite well how this will end up if I say anything more.
We walk for a minute or two when suddenly a fucking light bulb lights up in my brain. I thought of something and was fully preoccupied with it while I continued following Kinn around. I didn't notice that the bastard suddenly decided to stop, so my face slammed into his broad back. I almost fell from the impact, but luckily Kinn has a tight hold on my wrist.
"Shiia, Kinn! Why the hell did you suddenly stop!?" I said, irritated, as I feel my body getting hot and tired at the same time. We've been walking for almost a day now and there is still no sign of us getting out of this damn forest.
"Do I still need to tell you when I'm going to stop? Why don't you look for yourself?" Kinn snapped at me, making me let out a grunt of annoyance in response.
"Let me go." I flick my wrist, but the bastard keeps a tight grip on my arm.
"Just hang on and let me hold you a little longer. I'm trying to remember something." Kinn tightens his grip even further on my wrist.
I tried to remove his hand for quite some time, but the bastard is like a leech, hooked on my wrist.
"Let's run, can we? Maybe I can remember it that way." Kinn turns to me and asks.
Oh, you fucking bastard! Can't you just be honest and tell me that you don't remember shit!?
"I don't want to. I'm tired." I reply with a scowl. My tone is bored but Kinn only laughs teasingly and looks down at my feet.
"Well, you don't have a choice now, do you?" Kinn said and suddenly dragged my wrist and lit straight into a run.
"Turn left!" Kinn turns left.
"Turn right!" Then right.
"Go straight!"
"Damn it! Stop yelling, you fucking lunatic!" I gasp impatiently.
"Then let's find our way out. If we do that, I won't speak another word again." Then Kinn suddenly laughs. This bastard is testing my patience.
We keep moving, running, and walking. I'm tired and thirsty, and I'm losing my energy from all this wandering. Then I noticed something. Since when did Kinn slide his fingers from my wrist to take my hand and join our fingers together?
He squeezed my hand tightly. The feeling of safety and being protected sweeps through me. Yes, I am a strong man, but security like this every now and then is quite refreshing. I look at my hand and let it be. I don't know when I started to let him hold me like this without me struggling and being disgusted by it. Because holding someone's hand when I'm anxious makes me relax and feel much more relieved.
"Ouch! Kinn! If you don't know the way, then just tell me you don't know!" I yell at him loudly and pull his hand to stop him from walking further.
"You're getting mad," Kinn said, smiling.
In this life, I have never been as irritated as this! You just love to make me angry, bastard!
"Do you remember? " I slammed the words into him.
"Let's just walk," Kinn said. From the words, seems like he's getting nowhere too.
"Walk where? You've come back to the starting point twice, bastard!" I was very upset. Walking the whole day and getting back to the starting point is making me lose my shit.
In front of me is the same stream I drank from. The same place where I came to wash my face. And to top it all off, the sky is starting to get dark as well. We are lost! Walking for a long time, walking until I'm exhausted but what do I get? All day for nothing! We're back at the same place.
"Well, then let's just stay here. Tomorrow, we will get out of here for sure."
I swear I'll find my way out tomorrow. I'm doing it my way. I won't let you lead the way again.
"Let me go!" I tug my hand out of his grip. He stares back at me, smiling meekly.
"I thought you didn't want to let go."
The Kinn in the wild and Kinn the young master now are completely different. I see the difference in both his gestures and face. He looks more playful than usual. He looks younger than his actual age and I'm mesmerized by this newfound character. Although the agitation and irritation that I feel towards him are still the same, I like this carefree and stupid version better.
"I'm hungry!" I walk towards the banana tree from earlier to pick some more fruit to eat. If the tree could only talk, it would have been confused and asked me where did I go and why would I still come back?
This Kinn is stupid!
"Hungry?" He stroked his stomach and stood next to me.
"Damn! " I look back at him in surprise.
"I'm tired of bananas. I want something else to eat." Kinn says as he looks around the area for something else to stuff his growling belly.
"Ugh, such a pain in the ass! " If he happened to be alone in this situation, he wouldn't survive. Still, bothering to be picky?!
"I'm bored, I don't want to eat the same thing again," he said without even thinking.
I pause and think about the words, which just came out of his mouth. It seems to be exactly what he said. Judging from his grandiose lifestyle he doesn't think about the fact he has no choice right now.
"And what are you going to eat, fish or chicken?" I ask, heaving a deep sigh. I can't think of any sensible choices we have in this damned forest.
"No! I'll eat that one." He said, pointing at a tall tree. It has dense-looking leaves with a reddish color.
I narrowed my eyes in surprise. What the fuck!
Before I can even state my objection, Kinn takes off his shoes and climbs the tree awkwardly. Ugh what an idiot! Honestly, I can't be any more prepared to accept this kind of wildling Kinn either. I know he's a goddamned dimwit, but not at this level of stupidity. I do hope the youngest brother, Kim, is not as retarded as this one.
Kinn's feet and hands were climbing along the trunk. The messiest gestures I have ever seen. Looking up at him like he's some kind of a circus monkey brings laughter to my lips.
Before I knew it, I was on my knees laughing hard while clutching at my aching gut. In the mafia and gangster world, you must be smart, brilliant, and dignified to gain respect from your subordinates. If someone as much as sees him doing this, I can't imagine the terror they will feel. Knowing their boss to be a crazy bastard will be shocking.
"Ahhh hoooo!"
I tried to keep myself from laughing further as I watched his every move and action. It would be better if I were ready if anything happens to him during the climb. His face looks extremely serious. The climb was quite high as well. After a while, He jumps down in front of me and hands me some of his hard- earned fruit.
"Ah!" I hurriedly shake my head. Can you eat it or not? It looks like it may be poisonous.
"What the fuck is that?" I ask him and look at the item in his hand.
"Wild cherries," he says proudly.
I smile faintly at the stupidity of it. The fruit looks like cherries, but are not cherries, of course. Would a wild cherry even grow around here?
When I saw the round, red fruit, I didn't dare take any. So, he picked up one piece and popped it inside his mouth. But the moment he closed his mouth, he spit it out just as fast.
"Fuck!"
And then he shoots over quickly towards the stream to wash his mouth hurriedly. I'm left standing there ready to burst out with laughter. He looks really cool showing me the fruit of his labor one minute, and the next, he is running like a beaten child. I don't know if I should help him or pity him in this situation.
Poor Kinn. His effort in climbing the high tree and collecting its berries has gone to waste. I can't stop laughing!
"What the fuck is that? Tastes like rubber." He complained, brows furrowed and eyes squinting from irritation.
Honestly, if we were separated in this forest, I'd most likely survive since I have higher survival skills from living alone with just my brother for most of my life.
But Kinn would probably be dead from day one, he seems really cool about it, but confidence alone won't save you from hunger. He can act all-knowing, but his survival skills are zero.
Who thinks an actual real-life disaster could be played like in a survival game? No one, only Kinn thought this.
"How much more can you laugh?" He says exasperatedly looking me dead straight in the eye.
"Huh, who told you to climb that tree and stupidly pick unknown fruit? It could be poisonous for all you know! I told you it's not worth it." I said jokingly.
"Huh, it's worth it to see you smile." He spoke so low that I almost couldn't hear it and pretended that I didn't.
"You love to eat bananas," Kinn approached me and smiled meaningfully.
"Do I have a choice?" It's better than dying of hunger.
Ugh, this idiot.
"I also have a banana. More delicious than what is in your hand—ow!"
I threw a banana at his face, and he yelled out in surprise. Why does he always talk about lewd things? I almost blushed, fuck!
"Bastard!"
"Porsche, I am your boss!" He says, sounding a little tired.
"What about you being my boss? I'm quitting!" I snap and turn my back on him.
The lazy moron stared at me, and I felt myself melting slowly from the weight of his eyes on my back but suddenly he's standing behind me and bowing his head close to my ear until I feel goosebumps on my neck.
"Call me boss," He sounded cold.
"You are not the boss. You are just a burden. Bastard!" I turn and push him away with all my might. The man staggered and lightly laughed.
I hurriedly took myself to the river in frustration. Splashing my heated face with water, including my goosebump riddled neck and arms, then drinking several gulps of water to calm my raging heart.
"The sky is getting dark. Will you go down and wash your body first?" Kinn asks. In any case, he's right, I feel sticky all over my body from that endless walking around the forest just now. I have sweated a lot.
I glance hesitantly at Kinn. In the forest at night, everything becomes very dark. But I didn't dare to go in the water, while Kinn was there, I didn't trust him that much.
"Well, if you're comfortable enough. Let me set up the fire first." Kinn seemed to know what I wanted to convey.
He is about to walk away, letting me take some personal time. But! No matter how private I want to be, I don't want to be alone now. The sky has started to dim, accompanied by silence. Now I admit that I am afraid of ghosts!
"Wait!" I immediately called him. Kinn turns around and raises his eyebrows in query.
"Stay. Well, don't leave me alone," I say loudly, not wanting to cry out for help from someone like him, but this is an unavoidable emergency.
"Huh?" He asks suspiciously. Before sweeping his gaze around to look at the surrounding atmosphere.
"Oh, oh. You're afraid?" He drags the words and lets out a throaty laugh, asking me jokingly.
"I'm not afraid!" I immediately cut him off feeling inferior to him.
"Then let me go get the fire started." He says, smiling and pretending to turn around.
"Wait!" I call for him one more time until he turns around and grins at me.
I find it very disturbing to be under his scrutinizing gaze and weigh my options. Take a bath alone trembling in fear, or let Kinn stay and make fun of
me. I feel upset with myself.
"Scared of ghosts?" He laughs, calling me out. I frown and throw a stone at him.
"I don't want to be alone. What if I come across a wild animal?" I didn't want him to even have a glimpse of my fear.
"People like you, you shouldn't be scared of anything, even a tiger will be afraid to come at you." Kinn then sits down on the rocks next to the riverbank. Saying something bad luck like that, I'm telling you, even if I met a tiger here now, people as stupid as him couldn't do anything.
"You turn your back! No need to look at me, perverted bastard."
I start to think, what is scarier between the ghost and Kinn now?
"Of course." He sounds like he's fooling around with me but still did what I asked. I look at him with uncertainty before taking off my clothes, leaving only my boxer briefs on.
Fuck! With him here with me, I have to be as cautious as if I am a teenage girl.
"Whoa!" I walk into the water only to find it is biting cold. But I feel quite comfortable with it.
"Don't stay in for a long time, your fever might return," Kinn says.
His back is turned to me, and I keep a certain distance between us. Although my body is immersed underwater, I do not dare to look back at him in fear of the memories coming back. Moreover, I am virtually naked and very vulnerable to any temptation.
"..."
I crossed the stream to the other side. Raise my hands to pay respect to the trees before taking care of myself. The forest at night is so terrifyingly dark and the deafening silence adds up to my growing agitation. I hurriedly soak and briskly rubbed myself in the water. Fortunately, the moon is bright tonight. Its dim glow helps to calm me a bit.
"Kinn." I call for him, to check that he is still there because he's gone so quiet that he makes no sound at all.
"What?" He says back.
I am a little relieved to know that he is still in the same place. I wash my lower half for less than five minutes. And the silence is so unsettling.
"Hey, Kinn?"
"What? I'm still here." I hear the sound of him banging around a stick or something.
Then I smile to myself. Well, he really sat there and waited for me. Not being his annoying usual self.
"..."
I am almost finished washing my body. Kinn is silent for a moment, and there is no hitting sound. Or the sound of any movement that he has been making earlier, I start to feel a pang of fear in my heart.
"Hey, Kinn," I waited for him to respond. But there is no sign of him.
"Kinn! " I call louder. I start to feel uncomfortable. My body stiffened and I did not dare to move an inch. I turn around to look in his direction.
"Kinn, I'll stop playing around!"
Honestly, I am terrified. I stand still in the dark until my legs start to tremble. I can't see anything, the weather is cold, the atmosphere is eerie! It facilitates ghosts to appear and disappear. Suddenly, there is the sound of a person rising from the water as quickly as he brushes his hair off his face.
"Yes? You're looking for me?"
"Shit!" I scream in surprise. I freeze and am unable to react right away until I hear the sounds of faint chuckles.
"Are you really afraid of ghosts?!" Kinn bursts into laughter.
I take a deep breath, suppressing my emotions not to snap his neck right at this very moment before turning to push him away with full force.
"Damn! I almost had a heart attack!" I try pushing him again, but his hands suddenly hold me tight. The force of my struggling brings us together and I'm pulled down with him.
"Ugh!" I choke on the water a bit. Kinn drags me up with him. But his arms are still holding me tight.
"Let me go!" I shout in his face as we stand in the waist-deep water.
He seems unaffected and just keeps staring at my face. In my stupidity, I stare back. That's when I became aware of our faces being so close to each other. My chest is nestled against his and my heart starts to beat furiously.
"Let me go!" My voice comes out sounding hoarse. As his face leans down, I swallow hard in tension.
"Hey, Kinn, let me go! I don't want to remember anything like that!"
I can sense that whatever he's trying to do will bring back the bad memories I have. Being with him all day long and forgetting about it for a while is a blessing, but I'm afraid that this single move could ruin it all.
"Porsche, listen to me." He sighed and sounded serious. Both arms were wrapped around me tightly.
Every touch of his fingers on my skin and every breath that he takes while gazing back at me reminds me of everything, it reinforces the images of that night in my mind. It's aggravating me as pain and fear start to creep up my spine.
"..."
Even if I wanted to, I can't take my eyes off him. Every time I get hooked into Kinn's eyes, it goes like this. It's like I'm under a spell that holds my body still. I can't move, like everything around me stops moving as well. The only thing left alive is my rapidly beating heart. I felt dizzy with excitement.
"I didn't mean to do it. I admit I was stupid enough not to think that it was going to hurt you this much," Kinn says. His voice sounded guilty.
He must have seen my body trembling. His voice becomes softer. It sounds smoother every time he opens his mouth.
"..."
"I forgot to think about your feelings. I know it's terrible. But I really didn't mean it."
Kinn's words were both strong and gentle. The sound of it echoes in my head. His serious eyes flash through the darkness and I truly believe he means what he says.
"..."
"I know you might feel very angry with me. But it can't fix anything only if I could go back in time. I don't want you to hate me."
"..."
"Can I ask for one favor, please? Can you please stay?" I frowned at the request he has just made.
Don't go, why?
"..."
"Don't quit." Kinn says it quietly.
I want to ask him why. I'm just one of his many security guards, why would he care so much? But on the other hand, I think his efforts to turn the sky around just to find me play a great role. Plus, he got me as a bodyguard which was far more difficult than others. It would be a pity to lose me and, understandably, he didn't want me to leave.
"..."
"Don't go until I ask you to. Can you?" His words bend my resolve and make my heart flutter. I don't understand what is happening to me, and when he leans down and brushes his lips into the corner of my mouth, I don't feel repulsed.
"Sorry."
A warm feeling flows down my heart.
Kinn gently holds his lips against my mouth. I can't do anything to stop him. I don't want to stop him. I want to hug him back, run my fingers across his muscled chest, and chiseled abs. But my brain is screaming that this isn't right.
I slowly close my eyes, accepting his gentle kiss. I feel him grin through the kiss before inserting his tongue into my mouth and licking inside. The dizziness spreads throughout my body like a wildfire.
This kiss is different from any other kiss we have shared before. There is no selfishness in it, no desire to overpower. As if to just let me feel the truth of
his feelings and words from the moment that it is spoken.
Since when did I get lost like this again?
I stand still, letting him continue, as I focus on my feelings. I don't kiss back even the slightest bit. I admit that my heart is cold and hardly moves. But Kinn is slowly melting me into surrender. My heart beats so furiously that I am afraid it will bounce out from my chest.
"Are you cold?"
Kinn leaves my lips and rests his forehead against mine. I don't know when Kinn released my body and slid his hands to cup my face. His fingers gently brush the hair covering my eyes as I pant heavily.
"Uhm," I answered in a low voice.
"Go and wait for me, I'll wash myself up." He pushes a little further away from me.
"Oh," I say, confused.
What? Why? What is happening? Aren't we going to–damn. I hate myself for thinking ahead and expecting that Kinn would do more. I hate the fact that I was left gasping for more.
What the hell Porsche?
I willed myself out of the water and stayed near the rock where Kinn sat earlier.
"Turn your back. I'll put on my clothes." Kinn grins then turn around as I quickly remove the wet boxers and put on my warm shorts and my shirt.
"Why is it so quiet in here?" Kinn murmurs.
"How loud do you want it to be? We're in the forest, it's not Thonglor." I twist the water out of my boxers as I answer him.
"At least it shouldn't be this quiet."
I don't understand his logic sometimes. Where do you think this is? Do you think you can hear a lullaby in a forest?
"Go shout and sing if you want. Then it will be a little less quiet here." I say. Talking to him like this feels almost nostalgic.
"Let me sing for real." He says jokingly.
"Um," I think it is better to have him sing than to hear his continuous ranting about the silence. I sit and wait for him by the river feeling agitated, thinking about ghosts that might come at me at any moment.
"Yes! Oh, oh, oh, ohhh!"
I almost pick up my shoes and throw them at his head.
"Shit, Kinn!" He made a long haunting sound to tease me! "Quit messing around! Are there no other songs, bastard?"
"Before you are afraid of ghosts, you should be afraid of mosquitoes first. Mosquito bites could lead to Malaria, you know." Kinn murmured.
After a while, he went silent. Only the sound of water could be heard. He probably went to pee at the same place as me. I don't like the atmosphere here right now. Wanna go home, go to bed— Bed?
Thinking of bed is a bad idea.
Can you not think about getting out of the forest first? When will Kinn's household learn of our disappearance? I get tense when I hear Kinn's voice resonating in the air.
"Can't wait to meet your face. The more you smiled back, the more I wavered, still like this every day. I have to keep resisting."
I feel better having a sound through the dark and the silence. Kinn's voice isn't the best, but it's still good.
"Can't resist every time I meet. It is wrong to just secretly look into the eyes, would it be wrong? What do I have to do? Could you tell me?"
(*fact : Mile Romsaithong, is a great singer irl)
This version by Kinn is so cheerful and wrong compared to the original song. But I am already getting used to it. In this place, I've seen many things. I saw a version of Kinn for the first time that seems different from the one the rest of the world sees. I saw how stupid he could get.
"Do you listen to this kind of music as well?" I ask in surprise. Because of Kinn's lifestyle, I half expected a foreign jazz ballad.
"I do, but I normally listen to international songs. But I'm afraid to sing them 'cause you can't understand."
I frown tightly. Is he saying I'm stupid? I immediately countered this, then I heard him laughing.
Hmm. Yes, I made a mistake. Just one wrong sorting of an English report, and now I am branded stupid!
Soon, Kinn comes out of the water and immediately puts on his clothes. The longer we stay out here, the colder the weather becomes.
We walked together to the medium-sized cave. Kinn piles twigs and leaves together then sets a fire using the lighter. He was bragging a little that it was his first time doing it and yet he mastered the skill already.
"What are you doing, Pete?" Kinn cries to himself and falls down, sitting against a rock facing the fire.
"I don't know why you're calling for Pete, aren't you supposed to call for Big?" I ask curiously. Because Pete isn't affiliated with him anymore, and the head of the guards is me. But I am here, the person he should be calling out should be Big.
Kinn pauses before giving me a reply. "Hmmm. That's it. Someone, come get me out." He frowns.
"I have never seen you with this look," I say without looking at his face as I pick up dried leaves and throw them into the fire.
"What do you mean?" He asks, chuckling a bit.
"It's like that."
"So, what do you expect me to be like?" He raises his eyebrows.
"I'm not expecting anything."
His lips curve into a smile at my answer. I hadn't expected and didn't get anything at all, just to be amazed at how carefree he looks right now. As I have said, he normally looks like an old man ready to die.
"Well, sometimes I want to be comfortable, I'm just twenty-two going on twenty-three, a year older than you. What kind of look should I have?" He says as he leans against the rock. Then sighs with a nonchalant expression on his face.
"But your face is far from being twenty-two," I say jokingly. It's true, all he has done today in the forest indicates how childish he could be.
"Huh, shut your mouth! Sometimes I'm tired of carrying the expectations of my Dad, my family, and our subordinates. I want to live a normal teenage life that other people do, like you. But for instance, Kim doesn't go home. Do you think Dad won't have a lot of headaches? I don't want to add burdens to pa's problems. I want him to be proud of me."
He showed so much feeling through that long sentence that I was left dumbfounded. Everything that I just heard from Kinn is quite amazing. His mindset is so mature, in addition to the fact that he is a mafia lord's son that I forget he's only a year older than me.
But his life doesn't seem so smooth. In the evening after school, he waits for his father to discuss business and manages documents. Among the children of this family, I can see that only Kinn is a workaholic.
"Hmmm."
"I'm also completely bored with my life But, I need to keep a stern face all the time or else how will my men respect me?"
"You can stop doing that."
"It has been done like that since my ancestors, I can't undo the tradition. Have you seen me today? Who do you think will fear someone like that? I am afraid, I'm nothing but a rampant and spoiled brat." Says Kinn
jokingly.
"I don't want my men to be any worse. The image that I show them, whether with competitors or business partners, should remain the same. I want them to fear me and be as cautious as before."
I nodded and agreed. Because it works like that, reliability matters. I have to admit that the idea is very mature.
"And you're okay with that? If you're telling me that the image you show is just all pretending." I ask.
"At least when I am alone, or with my friends, I can be myself and like now, I am." Kinn turns his gaze to look at me.
Then look away towards the outside of the cave. I don't have a clue what he wants to convey with the last sentence that he said but I don't feel disgusted by what he revealed. It felt good that he is opening up to me.
"Oh well," I say back.
"Huh. You know you're smiling a lot today? You laugh a lot more than when you show outsiders that wall of yours." The savage version of Kinn continued to babble.
"Well, I laughed at your stupidity." I'm telling the truth.
"Good then." What is good? Nuisance bastard.
"Should I move to live here in the forest? I like this place already." He says, laughing.
"You can go alone." As I leaned against the other side of the rock, I started to feel sleepy.
"Come to sleep," He taps his chest as if to lure me in. I quickly raise my middle finger.
"Damn! I'm not sleeping!"
"Say it yourself. Ohhhh oh ohhhh."
I hurriedly shut my ears as Kinn cried out. "Stop messing around! " I try to interrupt the sound of Kinn's laughter.
"Come on quickly, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."
I turned my face to the other side, my hands cupped over both ears as Kinn continued singing.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh!"
I close my eyes tightly. Then cover the ears as much as possible. I intend to turn my head to curse at him. But I was shocked when I found him already behind me, and my face immediately collided with his chest.
"Hey! What are you doing?!" I push to keep him away.
"Oh, oh oh oh!"
I hurriedly raise my hand to cover his mouth, a wrong move that lets him insert his arm around the back of my neck. Then he pulls me to lie on his chest.
"No! Bastard!" I try to struggle, but he wraps my body tight. Then he leans comfortably towards the rocks. He pretends to close his eyes as the sound of the wind outside whistles.
I look beyond the cave entrance, suddenly feeling paranoid and scared, before letting Kinn hug me. I lay on top of him, motionless.
"Kinn, open your eyes!" I shook him. He turns his head to look at me, smiling.
"Why?"
"Don't fall asleep yet. Wait for me to sleep first."
I couldn't help but feel weak in his arms. His singing still rings in my head. The story of me being afraid of ghosts runs way back to my childhood days. I can't really remember what happened that day, but I grew accustomed to fearing ghosts so that when I grew up, I had forgotten about it. Until today.
"Should I sing a lullaby? Oh, oops!"
I hurriedly covered his mouth with my hand. He laughs and it vibrates in his throat. I keep my hand up to gag him like that, before leaning my head on his wide chest.
Damn it!
Whoever saw me in this condition would surely make fun of me. Two men with equally muscled bodies hugging each other!
What the fuck?
Confusing feelings swarm inside my head but this warmth beneath me lulls me to sleep. I tell myself to keep the hate burning in my heart, but for now, until I get out of this, I will not hate him quite as much.
Actually, this version of Kinn is better. He keeps me warm.
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