章 158: Chapter 46.3
I don't want to leave it like this, he thought. He had a feeling that if he didn't fix their relationship, they would slowly drift further apart. But Jason wasn't sure of what to say to Elizabeth.
Laddie . . .
Elizabeth also watched Jason from the corner of her eyes with apprehension. She too didn't want to leave it like this but, just like Jason, she was unsure of what to do or say. Her feelings for Jason were genuine but, as much as she joked, she didn't want to share him with anyone else. But she couldn't hold onto him all by herself.
A selfish notion, Elizabeth thought with depreciation. Considering I'm a handicapped hag.
Elizabeth silently walked him to the door but Jason hesitated when opening the door to exit. Turning around abruptly, he gently grasped Elizabeth and kissed her. She pulled back, reluctant to kiss Jason as it wasn't long ago that she retched; she refused to open her mouth and pursed her lips. Jason felt her disquiet and simply pressed his lips against hers. He didn't push harder and try to pry her mouth with his tongue. Instead, he held her close, trying his best to convey his emotions.
Lizzy . . . I love you. I wasn't sure for the longest moment, but now . . . It's this feeling, isn't it? This sweet bliss . . .
You were the first . . . my first for so many things. And I would still be an empty husk if it wasn't for you.
Tears fell from Elizabeth's eyes as she felt the tender kiss that was too good to be true. She could feel Jason transmitting a sundry of emotions that sent tumultuous waves crashing into her as she returned his passion.
Laddie . . . I never saw ye as a child. Ye was the most incredible man I've met. And I . . love ye too.
After what seemed like an eternity of bliss, the two pulled away and held each other close. Elizabeth rested her head on his shoulder before Jason used a hand to lift her head up and kiss her forehead, eyes, and face repeatedly.
"I'm sorry," Jason said. "I couldn't control my emotions when I heard you were with others."
"Neither could ay," Elizabeth replied as she breathed in the musky scent of his body. She wanted to desperately tell him the truth, how she was too busy drinking and moping these past two weeks, but couldn't voice it out.
"I never meant to hurt you."
"Ay know."
"I love you."
"Ay kno - what?" Elizabeth froze when she realized what Jason said and her shoulders quivered. She froze like a deer in headlights as Jason continued murmuring in a husky voice.
"I love you. That's why I was serious about the marriage. I don't . . I don't want to lose you again," Jason ran a hand through her hair as he spoke. He felt a tingle, a certain calmness, as he combed her silky hair with his fingers. "And I know it isn't fair, not when I have a child with someone else. Not when I can't let go of her . . . or the others. But I still want you, Lizzy. I love you."
Oh, Gods, laddie . . . Elizabeth had tears of joy and sorrow in her eyes. If only ye told me sooner.
"I still have to help them, Katelyn and Alice. But I also want to marry you," Jason said. He noticed how silent Elizabeth was and his heart sank. "Won't you at least consider it? We've had a great time together, you can't deny that."
Elizabeth brushed Jason's hand away and pulled away from him. Her face was sad as she sent him an apologetic gaze that was full of sorrowful reluctance and longing. "Laddie . . . there're many, many, reasons why ay can't - won't - marry ye."
Jason stared past Elizabeth, his eyes were watery and he nodded as he thought, I know - I know I haven't been the best . . . I didn't open up to you because I was afraid of - of loving someone else after Mary . . . but I still hold those moments dear, Lizzy. I still hold you, dear.
Jason opened his mouth, but he couldn't express what he wanted to say to her, not in words.
"And this isn't about you, and Goldilocks, or the bony lass, or even that student of yers," Elizabeth turned away, displaying her back to Jason as she spoke, missing the latter's look of surprise at the mention of Emily. "Ay know ye can't settle with one lassie. And I'm not telling ye to, I wouldn't want ye stuck with only me. I . . . Look at meh, Jason, look at me. How old am I?"
"Lizzy . . ." Elizabeth twirled around and gestured at her body to Jason, who hesitated as he knew what she was referring to and felt it was unfair.
"Ah, for shite's sake, just sey it."
". . . A little over thirty-four. But you don't look a day older than twenty-eig-"
"Thirty-six, laddie. I'm thirty-six years old. Almost half yer age, laddie," Elizabeth corrected bitterly while smiling deprecatingly despite the sweet feeling in her heart at his compliment.
Laddie, you always know the sweetest thing to say . . .
"That doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything to me -" Jason tried convincing Elizabeth when she cut him off.
"I'm old, I'm blind . . . I can't expect to be . . . married to ye. I don't want to hold ye down, weigh ye with . . . with a cripple."
"Don't, don't say that. You are not a cripple, you are an incredibly amazing perso - the most valuable woman to me," Jason grabbed her shoulders and then squeezed them as he spoke, seemingly wanting to forcibly convince her she was wrong.
"But bloody fuck, that - that was . . . nice," Elizabeth raised a hand to Jason's lips and silenced him before continuing. "Hearing ye say those words, 'I love ye', even if it was a lie it was nice to 'ear."
"Lizzy . . ." It's not a lie, Lizzy . . .
"But I know ye don't, laddie. Ye don't love me. Ye can't love. I know. I raised ye, even if it was fer only a few, I raised ye. I knew then that ye was . . . stolid.
"Ye don't feel emotions, Jason. Ye . . . ye script it all like - like an act. Ye only express what someone wants ye to express, never yer true feelings. So I know that it's a lie when you say ye love meh," Elizabeth's finger which was blocking Jason's mouth now stroked his cheek. "And how could ye know what love is? When ye was never taught what it is."
Jason couldn't refute what Elizabeth said. Even now, he wasn't sure if he truly loved her but he felt happy with her. And to him, that blissful happiness was love.
"If - if you give me more time . . . we - I - could figu -" Jason cleared his throat and said after some time but Elizabeth laughed.
"Time? Time waits fer no one lad and . . . and I'm too old."
Jason looked into Elizabeth's electric blue eyes when he heard her.
Time? Time's all I have, Jason thought. The goal of a Practitioner was to reach the pinnacle of the universe, to reach out and claim immortality, true immortality. As a result, Practitioners were full of vitality and could live for centuries depending on their level.
Maybe it's time I tell her.
A crazy thought then crossed Jason's mind: why couldn't he just make Elizabeth a Practitioner as well? It would be hard living as the world was frightened of these Seekers to Immortality, but the thought of both him and Elizabeth living together, loving each other, forever was too tempting.
"Ahem. What if . . . what if we had more time? What if I can keep you younger for years on end, and we - we had all - all the time in the world . . . do you think that maybe I could get there? Get emotions and love you?" Jason cleared his throat before asking Elizabeth in one breath when he saw her trying to interrupt him.
"I'd say ye just as shoogly as that bony lass of yers," Elizabeth shot back with an incredulous gaze.
"Just . . . rhetorically speaking. Would you consider it?"
"Living fer centuries with ye while never getting old? Sounds like heaven to meh," Elizabeth stroked Jason's cheek before leaning forward, so close that their lips almost grazed each other as she whispered smilingly.
Jason took a deep breath before making up his mind. He could feel the disapproval from his incarnations. Even the Sage was less than happy but he had already decided on her, on letting it out of the bag.
"Lizzy, I can make you a Practitioner."
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