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I Shall Snort The Heavens

章 1: Loser Meng Hao

On Mount Daqing in the State of Zhao, a lean young man in a clean blue scholar robe sat on the mountaintop. He looked to be around sixteen or seventeen. He was not tall and his skin was a bit dark, but his eyes seemed to be filled to the brim with intelligence. Emphasis on seemed to be.

"Failed again…" He sighed. His name was Meng Hao, an average student from Yunjie County. Years ago, his parents went missing, and he did not have much on him in terms of assets. Education was expensive, so he was almost completely broke.

"I've failed the Imperial exams more times than my pride would allow me to say. In all that time, I read books written by the elders until I wanted to throw up. Maybe this isn't the path for me after all. I mean... what kind of loser fails this many times?" Filled with self-deprecation, he looked down at the landscape below, his eyes filled with hopelessness.

"My dream of becoming an official and getting rich just keeps getting farther and farther away. How useless of me to spend so many of my years wasting away as a mere student." He laughed bitterly. Sitting there on the silent mountaintop, he looked increasingly lost. What would he do in the future? Where would he go?

Perhaps he should sell his body to a creepy, but powerful individual, or seduce a wealthy rich girl. Could this be a better use of his time and youth than continuing to fail the exams, year after year?

Meng Hao shook his head. He was a teenager, and like most, he feared his prospects for the future in times of despair.

"Maybe I should have accepted the offer to work at Uncle Wang's. If I learned how to handle my wood a bit, then I could make a minor living and wouldn't be starving like I am now." He grew silent for a while.

"There's not much food or money left at home. I also owe Steward Zhou three pieces of silver. What am I going to do?" He raised his head and looked up at the sky. It was so vast that he could not see what lied beyond. Much like how he could not see what lay beyond his present situation.

After a while, Meng Hao took out a few handfuls of paper from his pants. Despite the layers of sheets, the bundle was still a bit moist from when he pissed himself while writing the imperial exams. He placed it in a gourd bottle he found on the ground and threw it down the mountain.

"When you're as poor as me, you gotta make your clothes last as long as possible!"

At the bottom of the mountain was a small river. The gourd landed directly onto it and was carried away by the current. Meng Hao watched as the gourd drifted farther and farther away. He let out a chuckle when he considered the fact that someone might try and drink from it upon finding it.

There was nothing more for him to do at this point. His annual crying and contemplation session was over. So, he decided to descend the mountain. Not even 10 minutes in, he heard a faint voice cry out from a distance away.

"Help… help…"

Meng Hao stopped for a moment, shocked. He started posing like a monkey, trying to trace the source of the sound.

"Help…"

The voice was coming from the edge of a peak a small distance away. Meng Hao ran towards the voice with the speed you would expect from an indoors scholar boy with no physical prowess. By the time he reached the edge of the cliff he was already huffing and puffing. Below, was a young man who was stuck on the cliff.

"You… you're Meng Hao, right? That loser who failed the imperial exams so many times and thought woodhandling was not a skill! Woops, there goes my tourettes again. Help, Scholar Meng! Help me!" It was a teenager. Despite flat out insulting Meng Hao, he had an expression of joy and happiness. It was as if he knew that he was saved regardless of what he had just said.

"Wang Youcai?" Meng Hao's eyes grew wide as he looked at the young man, specifically his lower half. Below his waist was a curvy bulge that seemed much larger than what was naturally possible. This was definitely the son of Uncle Wang, who owned the Woodhandling Parlor in town.

"Yep, your Wang Youcai alright... Why are you climbing dangerous cliffs like these by yourself?"

While the cliff was no mountain it was still pretty steep. Even though a river lay just beneath it, if you fell from that height you were definitely dead.

"It's not just me dumbass! Don't you see the others right behind me? If it were just me, I would've climbed out long ago. Geez, no wonder you failed the imperial exams, you're so slow! Please, just help us get out."

Meng Hao nodded. He wasn't mad that Wang Youcai kept switching between insulting him and begging for help. The man was famous for speaking out of turn at random intervals, but deep down he was a nice guy. Unfortunately, Meng Hao was a weak scholar boy, he didn't have rope either.

"Well... Guess I'll just climb down then." He said while lowering himself down the edge of the cliff.

It took him quite a while to get to Wang Youcai and the others and when they saw him they rolled their eyes.

"You still haven't told me how you got down there," Meng Hao said as he got closer.

"You idiot! Couldn't you grab those vines up there before coming down? If you just manually climb down, you'll be in the same situation as us! Now we are all stuck! In any case, we came here by flying!" This did not come from Wang Youcai, but from one of the boys clinging to his body. The boy was loud and sounded like an idiot, but his reasoning was already superior to Meng Hao's.

"Shut up! Meng Hao! We were captured by a flying woman. She said she's going to take us to some sect to be servants."

"More bullshit? Only Immortals from legends can do that. Who believes in that?"

Meng Hao suddenly felt a cold wind behind his back. Was he shivering from the fear of hanging off a massive cliff? No, even if it was from fear it wouldn't be from the cliff, but the beautiful woman floating in the air above him.

A woman in a long silver robe and pale face stood in the air staring at him. It was impossible to tell her age, but she didn't seem that old and was extremely beautiful. However, she radiated a coldness that made one feel as if she had just crawled out of a grave.

"Another idiot? Lucky me, looks like my quota has been filled without me having to do any extra work."

Meng Hao didn't even care that the girl's voice had a power that was literally ripping his body apart. She was hot.

Shaking her wide sleeve, a gust of greenish wind picked up Meng Hao and the others. His mind was filled with lustful thoughts as they flew down the cliff with her.

When they reached the bottom, Wang and his three friends scurried backward in fright.

The woman stood there, not saying a word.

Meng Hao broke out of his lustful trance and his eyes fell on Wang Youcai and the two other young men. One was the snarky fellow; the other one was clean and pudgy. The two of them shivered, looking as if they might cry from fear at any moment.

"I was short one person, but looks like I'll have to settle for loser boy here." The pale woman said.

"Who are you?" asked Meng Hao, concealing his fear. He was a fool, but an educated one and had a strong personality. He may have pissed himself during the imperial exams, but that was due to stress and not actual fear.

The woman said nothing. She raised her right hand and waved, the green wind appeared again. It lifted up all the young men, and they flew out into the sky.

As Meng Hao flew, wind blew into his mouth, making it impossible to breathe. However, he kept it open as the feeling of large quantities of wind flapping his gums made for a fun sensation. Eventually, he grew bored and passed out.

When he opened his eyes, he found that they had landed on a platform paved with green stone, Meng Hao took a deep breath and the dull smell of medicine and something else entered his nostrils.

Wang and the other young men woke up, scared and shivering. They stared at the back of the woman.

Standing in front of her were two Cultivators wearing long green robes. They appeared to be in their twenties. They had bloodshot eyes and seemed to be cross-eyed as well.

"Excellent work, Elder Sister Xu," said one of the men, his voice was sluggish. "You found four talented... young... virgin... babies..."

"Take them to the Servants Quarter." said the woman, her face cold, not even looking at Meng Hao and the others. Suddenly, her entire body transformed. She became a rainbow and then disappeared into the mountains.

By this time Meng Hao had regained his composure. He stared at the place where the woman had disappeared.

"Trippy... Wait a minute, servants? Oh right immortals! Oh man, the pay must be good!" Now that he knew the people didn't want to kill them, he took a step forward.

"Sister Xu has reached the seventh level of Quelling Conscience," lamented the second cultivator. "The Sect Pimp bestowed a Wooze Pen upon her, which means even though she isn't at the Full Exposure stage, she can still get high and fly." He looked with minimal focus at Meng Hao and the others.

"You and you," he said pointing at Wang and the snarky young man. "Follow me to the Southern Servants Quarters."

"What is this place?" Wang asked, his voice and body both shaking as the Immortal pointed at him.

"The Reliance Sect."