章 24: Monster Movie Mall II
I've said it once and I'll say it again, being a cashier is weird.
Not that there's anything wrong with being a cashier, mind you. It's just that-
Some days, this job gives you a front row seat to some of the weirdest things happening around the store.
The most recent God-tier weirdness happened a few days ago, when two guys vanished in a flurry of crows after buying diapers.
Luckily, since then I've only had normal weird phenomena; the occasional pervert, those unruly high school kids, and of course, that one customer who always asks to see the manager.
As if calling the manager would get all their problems solved, like the manager was some kind of genie. I mean, really, what do they expect?
We're earning minimum wage, why do you keep expecting god-level customer service?
Must you always summon my superior for the most minor of infractions??
And must my superior always act like their fairy godmother every time they call him?!
"Oh dear customer, fear not! I shall turn this scary-faced worker into the ultimate Yes-Man with this ancient incantation:
Ravioli, ravioli smile or you'll lose your jobioli."
Seriously, the daily abuse my facial muscles get should be a national issue.
I bet the protagonist in Harry Potter didn't have to deal with this bull crap.
If I was him, I'd just 'Avada Kedavra' unruly customers into the meat locker and, using their accounting skills, slowly rise up the ranks from lowly cashier to conglomerate CEO before having a whirlwind romance that would eventually jeopardize our company. Especially after the heated reveal that would probably be some devastating secret like:
"The Evil wizard Ramsey Gordon is actually your father!"
"Holy fairy fritters! But he's the benefactor to that-hot-love-interest's company! What shall I do, Draco?! If I tell him about this, he might back out before the IPO launch on the night of the blood moon!"
"But it would save the company and the Hippogriffs working on the first floor!"
"I can't risk breaking up with that-hot-love-interest over something like that!"
"Why not? We could lose millions! Is he really worth it?! Think of the Hippogriffs!"
And then I'd flip my impossibly long hair that, for some reason, was billowing in the wind in my indoor office and, staring the Cannon Fodder dead in the eye, my skin radiant despite the stress of running a billion-dollar company as an eighteen-year-old wizard, I'd whisper dramatically:
"Yes."
"Oh, so you do have baby food! What aisle is it on?"
Dragged back into reality, I blinked. In front of me was the shorter guy from that day that could only be titled as weirdmageddon, pushing a stroller of four kids.
I blinked again, making sure I was firmly present in reality, trying to remember the question.
"Ah, yes. Baby food should be at aisle seven, sir."
I pointed the way and watched as the guy walked off, pushing his stroller full of kids.
So he really did have kids, a lot of them even. Thinking back, I felt a bit bad for assuming they were evil dudes, just because they altered the weather and vanished via crow in broad daylight.
Perhaps they were just aliens, trying to adjust to planet Earth. Maybe in a few years we'd have aliens coming out and saying they really are extraterrestrials. I mean you can't exactly deport them to space, so it was a safe thing to do. But people might freak out and form hate groups, targeting the alien families, because humanity sucks like that.
Suddenly, I saw something wet and slimy land on the counter. Looking up, and I say it now, never in my wildest dreams did I expect to see this.
A smiling baby crawling in the ceiling, casually defying gravity like a boss...
Oh boy, they really are aliens...
Welp, theory confirmed.
Another blob of drool landed on the counter.
...where was the father?
I am a minimum wage worker, I have not been trained for a situation like this.
*Would it work if I nudged him with a broom..?*
I quickly shut down that idea. What if their weakness was soft plastic bristles and I accidentally caused the death of this baby alien? I'd become an intergalactic murderer...
Nope. This was none of my business. Let the extraterrestrial's parent handle their own brood. Besides, there was still a chance I was still trapped in my fantasy world.
Turning my head, I surveyed the store. Maybe I could make a friendly announcement to alert the father of his escaped child. He has four so it'd be understandable that one could ran off while he was distracted...
I looked up as a wet blob landed right on my forehead. Yep, still there...still drooling...
Sigh, the life of a cashier is truly difficult.
Grabbing the mic, I made a quick announcement.
"Attention. If any of our patrons are missing a child please kindly pick him up at the cashier's desk. Also, there's a fifteen percent discount on all kitchen electronics. Thank you for shopping at Carrie Four, where you can pay less for more."
And now we wait.
...which was not long, apparently, as the father rushed to my counter, his other three kids in tow, squealing in their pram. It warmed my dead heart.
"I'm truly sorry! Please, where is my son?" he asked very worriedly.
I pointed at the ceiling, as another blob of drool landed on my forehead…I should have stood in another spot.
The father turned an odd shade of grey, his eyes wide, clearly flustered by all of this.
"Li Weizhi, you get down here right now!" He scolded.
The baby stared at us for a few seconds pouting, before floating down like a falling cherry blossom petal, right into the waiting arms of its father. It was very cute.
"Never disappear like that again! You nearly gave your old father a heart attack." He tickled the kid until it squealed.
This diabetes-inducing sight was too sweet for my cynical heart. This alien was truly a good father.
"You have very adorable children." I said with my best service smile. He looked surprised as he stared at me.
"...Aren't you going to ask how he did that?"
I shrugged. "I know it's none of my business, so I'm not gonna ask. When you begin the invasion though, can you spare Haidan district?"
"Pardon?"
"I hope it's not too much trouble because you see, it will be a real pain finding shelter when your people eventually invade earth."
"..."
He looked stupefied. Must be because I saw through their plan.
"Don't worry, I'll keep this a secret! Just spare my apartment and my district. I'll even throw in these coupons for a ten percent discount on all purchases."
I slip a couple of them across the counter. No being could resist discounts!
"...Okay?"
Yes, he accepted them! Surely this was a sign of peace between our two species, a momentous moment in human history!!
"Thank you for your patronage! For what it's worth, when you take over the planet you will have my support."
"Uh...thank you?"
"You're welcome, would you like me to scan your items now?"
"Err, no. I still need a few more things." He said, turning to leave. I bowed as they left. I really think I made a good impression on them! My house will surely be spared when they fire their death ray at us.
"Wait!"
"E-eh yes?"
"My name is Ye Zhilian. If it's not too much trouble, please keep that name of the probing list."
"I'll do my best...?"
He smiled awkwardly and left.
I for one was just happy to somewhat ensure my safety during the alien invasion, perhaps my apocalypse world story arc really was just close at hand!
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