章 37: Heart to Heart
While walking with Nakamura dangling from my neck, I was lost in thought about what I'd done. Though I was still concerned about Sato, his condition could no longer distract me from my feelings about becoming a murderer.
Looking back, I never once thought of myself as evil. Despite my issues, I always did my best to uphold the boundaries of the law and morality. I always helped people when I could in order to make up for my delinquency.
Still…staring at my bloodied hand, a thought I'd kept locked up broke free. 'Am I…the bad guy now?' my heart constricted tight, leaving me lightheaded and woozy. The realization brought up many memories of my childhood. Memories that primarily left me grimacing with rage.
There were a few that brought joy, though. Or at least they did. But, now, I was ashamed just picturing her visage. I felt I had no right to rely on her memory for emotional support after my sin.
'I'm sorry, mom. I... I've... I've become a murderer,' I sniffled, holding back the flood of tears that threatened to overwhelm me. I could only imagine how disappointed mom would've been in me.
I must've been pretty obvious with my distress since Nakamura was staring at me the whole time.
"What do you want?" I grumbled and looked away toward the darkened tunnel walls to hide from him.
For a moment, he didn't respond at all. He only watched me with an infuriating expression of pity. I opened my mouth, planning to tell him to mind his business, but he spoke first. "You know," he laughed, "contrary to what you've seen, I'm actually a pretty good doctor."
"Yeah, that's pretty 'contrary,'" I sneered.
He chuckled again. "Do you know how long I've been a doctor? It was so long ago that I'd first enrolled in medical school. But, despite that, I could still feel the passion that I had that day. I was ready to heal the world and all its suffering!"
'Is this guy bragging to me?!' the idea that he was spouting all of this off was maddeningly irritating, so much so that I was ready to knock his lights out.
I furrowed my brow and tightened my fist. "What are tal-"
"Being a surgeon," he interrupted and hardened his eyes, "you aren't just responsible for saving people. In some cases, you also become the one that decides who lives and who dies. It's when too many needs saving that your mettle is tested to its very limits."
He took a hard swallow and stared at the passing dull granite floor beneath us. Like he'd been entranced by his past, I saw various emotions flicker through his eyes. Then, flinching, he tightened his grip, remembering that he needed to return to the present.
"Just as well," he continued, "there've been times when I was forced to make those kinds of hard choices."
"Many times, I decided to save the son over the mother. Times when I saved the father over the bachelor and the younger sister over the older brother. Such are the sins of a surgeon..." As he continued, his voice steadily lost its stability. Every word uttered made it increasingly obvious that he'd been holding back his emotions with everything he could.
"That burden was always too heavy for me to bear. Although I was proud to have preserved a life, I'd find myself depressed that I inadvertently caused the deaths of others. Of course, numerous people offered me help in any way possible after the fact."
"But I was a fool. I hate to say that I declined every single one of them. I thought my sins meant I had to suffer alone. Ultimately, under the influence of what I'd done, I could feel my mind slipping away into places it should never have gone. I willingly walked the path of self-destruction under the pressure of mental anguish that crushed me daily."
He squeezed my shoulder with his unwavering gaze staring directly into my soul. "Please," he pleaded, "don't be foolish. You're too young to be burdened with such a thing. The weight of death is heavy because it isn't meant to be shouldered alone." His expression morphed into that of nearly begging, leaving me with moderate discomfort.
I hated sappy moments like this. Maybe I didn't like the idea of others caring for my well-being; it was too abnormal for me. Even so, I knew that I shouldn't take his words lightly. So I answered sincerely, in my own way.
"How could I shoulder it alone?" I grumbled. "It's already too crowded with you leaning on me anyway."
He smiled and nodded, softening his pained expression to that of enormous relief. "Good... I'm glad to hear it," he genuinely smiled. Then, our "heart-to-heart" now over, he shifted his focus to the dark halls ahead.
Hearing that I had someone to relate to... to rely on, I could feel the pressure on my conscience being lightened, albeit very slightly. I was relieved I would be alone in dealing with what I'd done.
"Ah, you're smiling like a normal person!" Agawa exclaimed, pointing at me. "Normally, you're all crazy when you do that!"
"I'm not!" I furiously rubbed my arm to my face, trying to correct whatever expression I had. "And mind your business!" I snapped back.
But Agawa didn't let up. Instead, she resorted to teasing me about what she'd seen for the rest of the way. I thought about inflicting a slight amnesia on her, but I was too busy lugging Nakamura around.
My only hope was that we'd discover the exit sometime soon and forget my mistake as soon as possible. As it turned out, my escape was nearby, taking only a few more minutes of wandering before we discovered it.
After indulging in all that disturbing sentimentalism, I was excited to break down the door. But my enthusiasm was quickly dampened when I noticed it was already flung wide open, revealing the town ahead. It was bathed in the eerie glow of the night sky.
'Looks like some of the lemmings actually made it this far,' I thought with a sharp grin.
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