章 5: Four
Chapter 4
Yusuf POV.
Nothingness.
Emptiness.
Anger
Numbed.
Fake.
That was all I could feel, I wasn't the same again. I'd changed, I'd become aggressive because that was the only thing for me to know that I was alive.
Everything was a lie, life was a lie. People promised to stay but when they saw something better they left.
I was feeling anything, my hope was crushed since the day I went to Sophia's house. I thought she wanted me back but I was only deceiving myself.
The remnant of my broken heart shattered that day, I was worse than before. All I wanted was to fade away. I'd locked myself inside my room that day when I returned, I needed to release the anger, pain I was feeling. I started hitting the mirror. It was painful but the pleasure I derived from it was worth the pain.
My mother would come to my door, cried and appeased me to open the door but I never. I wanted no one.
I hate her, she made me feel useless. She played my heart. She crushed and crumbled it. She was mocking me with her husband that I was a failure.
Depression and frustration were killing me, I started skipping my medication or I should overdose it. Just to numb everything.
But she was happy without me, her eyes were twinkling with happiness. She loved him. She chose him over me.
Why!. I yelled, breaking the wooden chair in my room. I knew my room stinks and rough but I loved it like that. Bloodstains were on the floor, broken bottles, glasses were on the floor.
My nights became restless.
My days became dreamless.
My reasons became senseless.
My life became hopeless.
My dreams became lifeless.
My hopes became lies.
I stood up wobbly on my feet to take a glass of water in the kitchen. I entered the sitting room and was shocked to see Sophia there, reading the Quran. I went to the kitchen softly not wanting to see her. I saw her through the glass window, yawning and stretching her stiff muscles. She was coming to the kitchen with a glass of water while I panicked. I didn't want her to see me. As she entered the kitchen, the glass of water slipped from her hand, fell and shattered on the floor because she was shocked to meet me.
She stared at me, I knew that my hair was dishevelled and dirty because I'd not combed or barbed it. It looked like a mad man's hair. I had black bags under my eyes, my light chocolate eyes were dull like a soulless being, what was I?. I had loosened weight, I was scrawny and boney like an HIV patient. I knew the drugs I was using were taking a toll on me also and not eating also.
"What happened to you?" she asked me in her sweet melodious voice dumbfounded. I eyed her head to toe before walking passed me. I didn't know what to say. I stepped on the broken glass because I knew I was immune to petty pains like that.
I saw her shrugging her shoulder, bending down to pick the broken glass before it pierced her tip finger and she released a painful "ah".
I turned back quickly to where she stood, I crouched on the floor picking the shattered glass. As I wanted to touch at her blooded fingers for first aid, she moved it away quickly. I was hurt, she didn't even want me. I just wanted to help her blooded finger. I was mad and angry.
"Go" I spoke with void emotion. I wanted to yell at her for being clumsy and being stupid to pick the broken glass.
The pain had changed me into a rude person. Not just rude but aggressive. The aggressiveness helped me to feel nothing, it made me completed.
She gulped nervously, twirling her fingers, "I want to see you" she dragged her words out, "can we meet at the terrace.." I interrupted myself.
"I'll meet you there" I turned his back at her angrily for being weak at her presence while I heard her clapping her hands.
I never shunned her before but I'd shunned me twice. I didn't want to but...
I saw her waiting for me at the terrace for more than thirty minutes but I wanted to stand her up before going to meet her.
She was walking away and may be tired of standing before I remarked sarcastically behind her, "Are you already tired of waiting?".
She didn't answer me, "how are you?" she asked, smiling lipped tight.
"Do you want the truth or lie? " as she wanted to reply I interrupted her.
"I'm shattered, dying, drowning, miserable, fake, useless, misfortune, but all I'm fine with. I'm living and alive" I replied frankly.
"Yusuf, I just came today to talk to you. Please do hear me out" she pleaded with my eyes. Her eyes glistened with tears. It hurt me to see her cry.
"Ok" I grunted in reply.
"Yusuf, what you are doing to yourself is not good. You aren't only hurting yourself, you are hurting others who are close to you like your parents. Even though your father never shows it but he is crying silently. Please don't do this to yourself. Your mother was crying at my doorstep today because of you. Don't let them blame themselves for giving birth to you. You've so many things to do on this earth" she paused a little, "please take care of yourself if not for your sake, do it for your loved ones. Your mother isn't herself, she is dying. She is crying for you. What hurt most is a mother seeing her child dying and unable to do save him" she lectured and scolded me gently. She didn't know she was scolding me but she made a good mother.
"No one cares" I blurted out.
"Everyone cares, everyone around you cares about you. You are the one pushing them away. Your mother cares, your father cares and I care also" I snickered sarcastically.
"Why do you care?" I asked softly, "it is none of your business to care" I yelled at her feeling a bob of anger coming in while she flinched.
"I care" she sobbed.
"If you care, you won't leave me. If you care you would have to wait longer" I screamed at her, I needed to release my anger. I clenched my fist tightly, feeling my fingers cutting through my palm.
"If I don't care, I wouldn't be here telling you to save yourself" she shouted back at top of her voice, her body shook with her crying.
"No one knows tomorrow, only He Al Alimul-gaybi (knower of what is hidden) knows. Have faith and belief because all that that is happening in our lives are tested by Him. It will pass soon" She assured me.
"But what is my essence when the doctor said..." I couldn't bolt in again and I started to cry.
"The doctors are only suggestions but none of them knows. Only Allah knows one time of death because it has already been written. And sometimes what we thought might not be what would happen and what would happen might not be what we thought. Please eat on time and use your medicine at all times. Pity your parents and I pray to Allah to answer all your silent whispers, wishes, hopes, dreams, cries and prayers. May He blesses you with the coolness of your eyes. May He provide a spouse till Jannah for you. May He forgives and pardons all our mistakes" she prayed and left me alone at the terrace.
When I was done with crying, I'd broken my vow. I vowed to never cry over her again but here I was crying again. I wiped my tears with water.
"Where are you going?" my mom asked me, walking after me. Maybe she was surprised because I'd left my room since that day.
"Out" I mumbled out, banging the door closed behind me.
I walked around the street not knowing where to go, I just needed to cool off, as I was going back home not looking front a small soft feminine body collided with mine, pouring all the content in the cup on me while she released "oops".
~**~
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