章 15: Eventful Flight
As many have probably come to learn since my short yet oh so long time in this world, I am, by the admittance of many, a reasonable and benevolent individual who can charm all with the natural charisma I usually slap them in the face with.
A little bundle of joy that brings smiles to all, if you would.
But as you might understand, I can not behave in this way at all times, there will always be exceptions.
Like right now.
I groaned in annoyance as the kid behind me kicked my seat again for the umpteenth time, "I'm... I'm going to do 9/11 London version if somebody doesn't stop that kid."
Yes, we're currently onboard a plane, on a flight to Europe.
In economy class seats because I'm not a posh asshole and money can't change who I am, besides, there were a lot of 'interesting' people back here.
No, trust me, I did get economy class tickets.
I definitely did not arrive late and take the next plane except the first class seats were all booked.
"Shinji... he's the same age as us." Shirou pointed out from beside me, staring out the window like the professional broody survivor hero he is.
"Shirou, I refuse to relate myself to this waste of oxygen behind us." I pointed backwards with my thumb, which annoyed the kid further, "He's got two brain cells and both of them are fighting his survival instinct to the death. I'll become Shinji bin Laden you know, I'll do it. I'll blow the plane up."
Shirou glanced at me from the corner of his eye, "Do you think your constant insulting might be playing a part in annoying him?"
Damn bro, stop being reasonable and take my side.
I'd do it for you, dick.
Tiamat was... sitting on the next aisle over and was now over complaining about how she couldn't sit with me. Instead, she was engrossed in a pack of salted peanuts with starry crimson eyes.
This is somebody people used to worship.
No wonder they died out, bums.
They should have divined the future and worshipped mysel- EHEM, worshipped the stars.
"Sakura, back me up." I glanced over at my depressed little sister, sitting to my other side, "You have to see he's annoying."
Sakura looked up curiously, trying to think something up, "Um... do you want me to throw him in the... imaginary numbers space?"
Hm... maybe using her portals as garbage disposal for my experiments over the last week has given her the wrong idea about those very portals... It's definitely possible.
"Damn Sakura, all the kid did was kick my seat. Why do you have to be that dark?"
There's Outer Gods in that place.
"This coming from the one threatening to blow up the plane."
Shut up, Shirou.
My sister paused again for a bit, "...It was a joke."
Dear Sakura, sincerely, your jokes suck.
But I'll laugh anyway, because I'm a good older brother.
Hm Hm.
"Hahahaha..." I wiped a fake tear from my eye, "That was a good one."
Some might call it cheesy or corny but the way the corners of the little depressed booger's lips curled in a small, barely noticeable smile, made it worth it.
Can't have her be depressed forever, she has to study under Zelretch and get me access to the Second True Magic which allows parallel world travel.
The moment was interrupted by the stupid kid kicking my seat again, so I did the only reasonable thing possible.
I sat up backwards in my seat and peered down at the single mother family behind us. I know she's a single mother because unlike the dedicated, respectworthy ones, this lady has been dumping the information on everyone she can.
The way there's no ring on her finger but there are the marks from one, the over the top makeup and earrings, the dyed blonde hair, the open denim shirt, tells me all I need to know to execute the next step of my master plan to deal with this kid... Also, she's coming on to the poor dude next to her who looks like he'd rather jump off the plane than talk to her for another second.
"Lady, you don't have to deprive your child of the basic life lessons your incompetent parents never gave you. Break the cycle, Karen." I spoke calmly but fast and loud enough that she didn't get the time to cut me off, "Because if you don't, at some point in his life..."
Like what's happening to you right now.
"He'll meet an actual asshole, and get those lessons the hard way. Better to teach him early than have him become a crackhead with no teeth."
"How dar-"
"Bup bup bup..." I held up a hand, "I'm not done yet. I know your husband's child support or alimony or whatever is letting you think you deserve good things but it's your fault, it's your fault he left you, because you were never taught to be loyal and good."
I can see it in her eyes, the annoyance and the genuine belief that she 'couldn't' be in the wrong.
"Don't worry, you'll learn soon enough when you land. Because your child support just got cancelled."
"How do yo-"
How rude, don't you know not to interrupt when people are talking?
"The judge is my father, I recognise you. And you can never prove what I said to you in an actual court of law. He's an especially doting father."
Naturally, this is a load of bullshit.
No judge with a modicum of integrity would let their child influence their judgement.
My father is... was a deadbeat, good for nothing, piece of trash.
But, the way she shut up and grabbed her kid's arm made me realise that I didn't need to worry about her inquiring about this immediately... She'll realise I was fucking with her when we land but no more trouble for the rest of the flight.
"Shinji... you know that's an easy lie, right?" Shirou tugged my sleeve, still not moving his eyes from the window.
I just smiled at my 'friend', "Don't worry, it seems she's sharing her brain cells with her kid."
He had to get it from somewhere I guess.
"Shinji... where did we go wrong?"
Dear Shirou, stop talking like a parent with a druggie kid.
The only drug I'm addicted to is... winning.
My mom would be really proud, I got most of my genius from her... though not much of her snark unfortunately.
"Hey, hey, it was a joke." Shirou turned from the window for the first time, looking slightly panicked... which, honestly, was pretty confusing.
"Since when do you make jokes?"
"Shinji. I'm a person."
"Lies. Archer would be disappointed." I shook my head with pursed lips, "How will you become a hero if you're a person?"
"Ar-cher?" The ginger boy tilted his head, visibly confused.
Oh you sweet summer child.
I shrugged and pulled down the eye mask I bought at the airport, "Give it 4 years. You'll get it."
This is going to be so awesome if he bothers to remember.
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Hope you enjoyed.
I watched all of Go! Go! Loser Ranger! in one sitting today.
It was honestly pretty nice, an awesome change from all the shit that's popping up these days.
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You can find up to 8 chapters ahead at patre0n.com/Bleap
A few behind, sorry.
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