章 9: Apology
I am currently standing in front of the king who is seated behind his large mahogany table. He is looking through a paper he is holding, squinting his eyes to emphasize the importance of its contents.
My presence here is totally unwelcomed. The silence in the atmosphere is thick that I can hear my heart beating so loudly taking my nervousness to the next level. He is acting as though he is not aware of my presence, flipping through the pages of the papers.
My body might give in any time, and I am tempted to save myself from a fall by taking a seat without being offered. All my life I've never anticipated tension between me and my father such as the one I'm in now. It makes me anxious and unsteady. I've always been free with him, talking and laughing, looking through things in this very study room and even sitting on his lap when I was younger.
I miss him already. It is like there is an invisible tall wall between us that is impossible for me to cross over. He is so near I can see him yet so far I can't reach him. My heart aches. I want to be embraced by him so badly, to be surrounded by his strong comforting arms and to rest my head in his chest being enveloped with his familiar scent.
Arthur was the one who made it possible for me to be allowed in. I had remained seated when he went inside the study to meet him. I'm guessing he requested the king to allow me inside.
"Erica," my father finally put aside the papers.
"Your majesty, I...," my voice falters under the weight of his intense gaze.
"Come closer and sit," his gaze softens revealing traces of a soft father inside of him, the one that I miss so much.
He fixes his gaze on me now that I'm sitting not so far from him and my mind stopped processing what I'm supposed to say to him. His hands have been placed on the table and his fingers intertwined. He is studying me, and right now I feel so small and lost that I want to bury my face in my hands and cry.
I place my sweating hands on my lap to avoid doing anything that will call for my immature dismissal.
"You wanted to say something?" He cuts in softly and I lift my head to look at him. His eyes are soft and calm, and he waits patiently for me to continue.
"I....I came here to apologize, father," I say, my voice low and unsure. Tears are burning my eyes, and I try to fight them. I don't want to cry here.
"My improper behavior during dinner last time led me to talk in a disrespectful way.... but I didn't mean to show disrespect to you or your decisions in any way," I continue looking at his hands on the table. It scares me to see the reactions from his face.
"Please forgive me," I finish lifting my eyes to gaze at his.
He lets out a heavy sigh before speaking.
"Erica, I know that you were worried about your sister, but there's a way you've been brought up. You know when to speak with me freely as your father, but there's also a way you must act in the presence of your king and other people, and you disregarded that," he lets out raising his voice with the last sentences.
He is still unhappy with me, still carrying the anger from that night or maybe something else happened that I'm not aware of. Silence cuts through the room, I don't know what say.
He is right, I know when to speak and when to just listen without uttering a word, yet I couldn't keep my mouth closed.
How foolish of me.
"What did you expect?" He asks but I maintain my silence.
Yes, what did I expect. To walk over everyone?
Maybe a tap on the shoulder, or a bravery medal?
I almost chuckle with my own foolishness.
"To show disrespect in the presence of everyone without facing the consequences?" he continues
Guilt washes over me because of my conduct. He must have been so disappointed with me, his own daughter who is supposed to show him all the support he needs. Maybe that was the reason he had walked in that day with both the queen and my stepmother by his side, to show that they both agree with his decision and for us to follow suit.
"No father, I was reckless. I failed to exercise judgement of the situation and I ended up embarrassing you," I replied facing him, my voice and eyes carrying remorse.
"You are a princess, I expect wise judgements from you and a show of duty and responsibility towards me, the queen and the kingdom," he says in a stern voice
"Yes, your majesty," I say not knowing how to bring up the subject of Laurel's impending marriage. "Perhaps utilizing the available acceptable procedures would have been more appropriate?" I quickly add to let him know that I'll still pursue him to stop the looming marriage.
The look registered on his face is that of surprise. He raises his brows and opens his mouth slightly. I baited my breath and wait to be thrown out of here.
"What?" he asks after moments of surprised silence. He can't believe I just uttered such a question.
I just stare at him not wanting to escalate the situation, I need forgiveness after all.
"You don't give up do you?" He says chuckling and shaking his head.
My eyes open wide with the unexpected reaction from him, I was waiting for him to be angry and lash out at me.
"I just want to ensure I do better in terms of judgement, your majesty," I try to explain, so much for doing better.
"I expect nothing short of excellence from you, my dear," he is back. My father is back, and my heart is relieved. I just need to ensure he forgives me.
"Forgive me father, I've learned from my mistakes," I need to hear him say he forgives me.
"I am not trying to silence your voice, but I'm glad you've learnt from the consequences of your actions. And of course, I forgive you but that doesn't mean I'll accept any irresponsibility from you." He sternly says the last words locking his eyes with mine and I get the warning, he won't be sparing me in case I disrespect him again.
"Thank you, your majesty," I can hear the relief in my voice and feel the happiness that washes my insides. I stand up to leave but my heart wants so much to broach another discussion with him. He notices my hesitation.
"Something else, Erica," he asks, and I notice his eyes are void of their earlier softness.
"No, your majesty, I'll take my leave now." I lie hoping to sleep in my room tonight.
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