章 1: Life sucks
So... here I am floating in a blank void with nothing but myself and my own thoughts, I think this is purgatory since I kinda remember dying. Maybe if I'm lucky this is a coma but who knows. You know when I look back on it I realize that I don't think I actually lived. Not like I didn't exist or some super deep shit like that, just that I never did anything that I can remember that I can definitely look back on and say I'm glad I did it. I mean I don't really remember my early years besides the fact that my house got robbed like three times and my friend Ryan. I can't even remember the name of my old school beyond that it is three memories all having to do with girls.
Now I know kids are dumb but apparently I was a master at being embarrassingly retarded because I remember getting caught slipping a love letter to one girl by the teacher. If I could go back in time I'd piss in his coffee as revenge for calling me out on that. Then there was the memory of the time I was getting pissed off by some girl bugging me or being annoying, I don't know for certain all I know is that I turned around said something like "I've never done this before" and proceeded to kiss her. I'm not 100% certain if that really happened or if it is just a dream but if it was a dream would I really remember it after all this time? I don't know but apparently I was a horny little fuck at the age of 5.
That wasn't even the worst because apparently I also liked to hide under the blankets and tying tongue at the god damn age of 6. I really know what to think about my early life before we moved to the city other than to say I was weirdly sexual in my early life, I blame anyone that isn't me because I was too young to account for my own behavior.
Once we moved I was like in third grade I think, can't really remember because the only thing of significance I can remember from then on is a few embarrassing memories involving being put in a special ed class because I couldn't spell on my own or some shit, trading beyblades (or trying to), having a crush on a girl only to get avoided like the plague (not that I blame her I would too now that I look back on it, and finally breaking my arm during kickball 1 week before summer break. Even if I don't remember any of my summer breaks because I wasted them doing nothing memorable, I can say that one was the worst.
Fuck middle school, I'm certain that if I wasn't in the void that is I guess purgatory everyone I said that to would automatically agree with me. I confessed to two different people and got turned down both times completely no chance. I started role playing in the game halo reach which if I'm being completely honest was the worst idea I ever had especially since I didn't actually role play or even do anything other than watch others do it because I was too much of a stuttering mess of anxiety to do it. Let's not forget the time I pissed myself in class and just waited for everyone to be gone to walk away and never think about it again (it was the first day of school too). I literally had no friends during school because I avoided people out of anxiety and only interacted with anyone I knew from school while playing video games on Xbox.
I at least recognize that socially speaking I wasn't much better in my high-school years but at least I didn't do anything I regret as much as anything I did in middle school. The only thing I regret about as much as anything I did during middle school is not staying in the weight lifting class or signing up sooner than I did. Otherwise it was okay I had a few 'friends' usually just people that I felt comfortable talking to during class but I never hanged out with anyone after school not until my senior year when I finally just stop giving a shit. I hung out one friend after school in senior year we smoke pot a couple times together you know the usually I give up on living like a contributing member of society. I don't know why but eventually he just started ignoring and avoiding me, probably because I was getting clingy since he was one of the few people I truly called a friend since he was pretty chill and I didn't feel the need to be nervous around him. I really felt like I could trust him and would have done anything if he asked me within my power.
After that I did nothing, I became a waste of space trying to figure out life what direction in life I wanted to go, Hell, I still am even though I am 85% sure I'm dead. I didn't do much besides going to hang out with my brother in law, step sister, nephew, and niece. Which actually is how I ended up here dead. There we were everyone in my family was fussing over my niece because she was crying and no one was paying attention when my nephew walked out onto the street but me. Now I was going to just yell at him and tell him to come back and not to do that since it isn't safe but I notice a truck that is trying to beat the yellow light before it goes red and I got one of two choices. Watch my cute little nephew turn into roadkill or test my luck and see if I can survive getting floored by a truck going well above the speed limit. Well I didn't really care or think about surviving if I'm being honest as I ran out faster than I thought possible for myself and thew my nephew out of the way and then all my senses were gone besides **PAIN**
It sucked, I honestly wanted to die because everything hurt especially my heart pounding in my chest which I'm pretty sure was crushed by my ribs, I couldn't hear anything besides the blood in my ears rushing somewhere that isn't inside of me. I turned my head as the darkness started to fill my eyes and I see my family screaming, my mom on the phone and in tears then there is my nephew standing there in absolute shock unable to comprehend the situation. I think 'Fuck it I'm dying so might as well do like my one of my favorite anime characters' as I reached out to him with my right hand and motion for him to come closer. After some hesitation he steps up to me and I poke his forehead just like Itachi and say "Forgive me, Ruby" using my favorite nickname for him and lose strength I'm my arm leaving a trail of blood on his forehead and down his nose.
I don't know if it was the blood loss in my brain or some desire to be someone else that isn't me but the scene of doing this before I died filled me with some weird level of satisfaction. Then everything went dark leaving me alone with my thoughts and memories to slowly review my life as I struggle to keep my sanity "hahaha, my life sucked. At least Ruby is alive, maybe he can actually live a fulfilling life I failed to have."
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