章 12: Chapter 12: Probation: The Eyes Have It & The Plan
In which arguments kind of solve everything. Or not, as the case may be.
Like I said, endgame for Itachi and Kimimaro is Weird Cuddly Bromance. As in, 'everyone thinks we're a couple but we're not and we can't be bothered to correct them'.
This chapter just refused to be written. This was dragged out with writer's-block tension comparable to pulling out a molar. And RL deadlines suck, especially when there's three at once to work on.
Warnings for a brief non-graphic discussion of sex and sexuality.
EDIT: Section The Plan altered to match with edited chapter 10. Which led to Itachi working out some issues.
Probation Month No.9
The Eyes Have It
"Of course I know what it is! I'm not stupid or lazy."
Erumi turned to Yuyu. "Are we going to ignore the fact that Toshiki just threw a frying pan at Kimimaro's head?"
"It was a wok."
"I'll take that as a yes."
Luckily, Kimimaro had managed to dodge the large metal projectile due to well-trained speed and the use of a heavy medical book as an impromptu shield. After a few seconds, it became obvious that the outburst was over and Kimimaro cautiously lowered the book to see Toshiki glaring at the volume as though it had purposefully offended him. Until it suddenly dawned on him what he had just done.
"Oh Kami, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"
"How the hell do you even throw a wok that well?" Kimimaro demanded faintly. "It's not exactly a standard shape so...YOU THREW IT AT ME! What the hell?!"
"Look, I didn't ask you to discover what's wrong with me!"
Kimimaro suddenly shot his gaze to Yuyu, backing away from Toshiki and shielding himself with the book again. "Please stop being all ominous and scary, Aburame-chan, just go ahead and speak already."
With a pleased huff, she stepped forward and up to Toshiki, flicking him sharply on the ear and making him squawk.
"Idiotic, Hyuuga. He was trying to be kind. You said no masks, so why do you hide and refuse our help?"
"Because, it's my responsibility!"
To the surprise of everyone, it was Erumi who snapped; grabbing him by the collar until they were nose to nose, Toshiki's already prominent eyes wide with shock. "NO IT ISN'T! You didn't ask to be born the way you are, Hell, none of us did and there's good and bad points to what each of us are. It was not your responsibility! Life is about using what you've got and advancing no matter what! But if you're sticking yourself in a dead-end, you ask for help, dumbass."
"But as a Main House-"
"Yes, yes; Clan expectations and stereotypes, yadda yadda yadda, utter loathing. Well, doing the same thing over and over again trying to get a different result is the definition of insanity, so for the love of Kami, stop trying to learn Gentle Fist. It's not healthy for you, obviously, since you have...what was it again?"
"Tarsal coalition," Kimimaro piped up dutifully from where he was standing to the side with Yuyu.
"Right. So find something different than Taijutsu, Toshiki. Hell, the Byakugan lets you see far, so something long-range?"
"You are very good at chakra strings," Yuyu said glibly.
"There are some long-range ninja weapons, not just kunai and shuriken," Kimimaro muttered, leafing through the book. "Given how well you threw my wok, I doubt you'll need much adjustment."
What followed was a rather impressive piece of instinctive one-man mime theatre, as Toshiki sank to his knees and his face creased through a variety of different emotions, including despair, frustration and anger, while he haphazardly gestured almost frantically.
"Can't you fix my foot?" He pleaded, exasperated, after his performance. Kimimaro looked at him, before slumping to the floor too so that they were level.
"Sorry, it's just my own bones. Maybe someday I'll learn to affect others' bones, if it's even possible, but even then I couldn't do anything about the ligaments or cartilage. But like we said, we're all willing to find some way for you to still fight. Hm?" He glanced up at Yuyu, who was staring down at him, silently. However, he seemed to understand her regardless. "Oh, yeah, and it'll be an advantage on the battlefield for you. I mean, anyone with a brain avoids close-combat with a Hyuuga, but for you that wouldn't be a problem and you'd have the element of surprise. Imagine the shocked faces."
Toshiki managed to snort out a hiccupped laugh. "Yeah, yeah that would be kind of funny. But what the hell am I going to use? It's not like I can knit someone to death."
"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot you knitted," Kimimaro mumbled distractedly.
"There is always Genjutsu, whatever happens," ANBU Hound commented idly as he wandered into the kitchen, picked a teacup and set the kettle on to boil.
"Trapping, or Kimimaro could teach you some seals," Erumi suggested.
"Just give him a wok...actually, I'd pay to see those fights," snorted Kimimaro in reply to her comment.
"Razor wire!" ABU Bear said, appearing on the ceiling. "If you use it in tandem with chakra strings, you don't even have to waste energy moving your arms and they're great for offensive, defensive and all ranges."
Throughout all of this, Toshiki looked thunderstruck, but looked particularly thoughtful at Bear's suggestion. "Right. I'll stop trying to perfect Gentle Fist and think about the stuff you guys have said. But what if the Clan-"
"Then they are all idiots who don't understand that shinobi must adapt and play to their strengths!" Erumi barked. "If any of them give you grief you come to me and when they come calling I'll sort them out. Now come on, we've got a Geography project to hand in tomorrow and you are not letting me down."
As the door closed behind them, Yuyu looked down at Kimimaro, who looked up to meet her gaze. "What?"
"I ship it." She said solemnly.
The Plan
"We can't keep avoiding this forever, Itachi."
The answer to Shisui's words was an infinitesimal flinch and a small "I know."
The older boy sighed and sat down next to him, putting his arm around Itachi's shoulders and pulling him into a one-sided hug. "I'm sorry to bring it up, but it's something we need to think about seriously. The relationship between the Clan and the Village is better than it was, but there are still people who think the only real answer is...well. And us two are stuck right in the middle. I'd estimate we've got somewhere between a year or two years before it comes to boiling point."
In the ensuing silence, Shisui eyed Itachi nervously as he contemplated his next question. "Do you have a crush on Kimimaro?" The shock made Itachi explode into a coughing fit.
"What?" He finally choked out.
"Well, you're nearly twelve, so it's about that point in life for you to start developing feelings for other people," Shisui listed. "You're nearly always around his place to hang out with him. You've been more emotive and comfortable in your own skin than I've ever seen you, since you became friends with him. You worry about him. You confide in him, in your own way. You feel safer around him when you're recovering from a mission than at your own house. Also, from a general perspective, he'll be easy on the eyes once he grows up a bit. There's also the fact that he's the first person inspiring behaviours like this in you. It ticks quite a lot of boxes towards being a crush, cousin."
But instead of blushing, stuttering, or generally being mildly embarrassed or caught off guard, Itachi's face went very, very flat. "No...'" he breathed. "No, we're just friends, basically brothers in all but blood."
"Itachi," Shisui said in a warily soothing, yet gleefully probing undertone. "Nobody's going to mind that if you're crushing on Kimimaro, it's how you feel that's really important-"
"I don't KNOW HOW I FEEL!" Itachi half-gasped, half-screamed. The sudden sound echoed mutely through the thick layer of trees. His eyes were lost and wild.
"I don't...I've always focused on the Village, the Clan, Sasuke! Always so important, always duty, duty, duty. Sasuke's the only one who doesn't feel like a duty because he's my brother and I love him. And then Kimimaro comes. He doesn't care and he's strange and laughs at things and suddenly he shows me there's more to life than just duty. He understands me. I thought...everything you said...that's just friendship, right? Because this has never happened before, I don't know what to do, but it's nice. And then we became Resonated and being brothers all made sense- makes sense -and maybe it's dangerous but it's fine and I don't have to think about it, just let it be nice. And-and now I don't know what to do any more because I didn't plan any of this but it still happened and even though it's nice, which I guess makes it good, I'm still putting him in danger...Nothing makes sense anymore Shisui!"
During the rambling monologue, Shisui merely held his cousin close and mourned what could have been. Even though he dreaded the obvious pain his next question would cause, he asked it anyway. "Why is it a bad thing to be brothers? What I mean is, if you like this so much as it is, why is it a bad thing to be this way?"
"I'd already dragged him into this mess, just by being friends with him," Itachi muttered hollowly, all emotion other than bitterness gone from his voice. "But now...he'll get hurt directly rather than just implicated. That's how it always goes."
"You haven't said anything to him about this situation with the Clan then," Shisui murmured, and received a shake of the head. "Then there's plausible deniability for him at any rate, so you don't have to worry too much about that."
"Why can't I have both Shisui?" Itachi's voice was small and muffled where he had buried his face in his cousin's chest. "Why do I have to choose between my Clan and...whatever I have with Kimimaro?"
Shisui couldn't find an answer.
Ever since it got back to the Hokage - and a select few others - that I was an Inochi Saido, or 'Live Again', that little titbit has been ranked an A-Class secret. Apparently, what with souls being A Thing as opposed to an indistinct concept like in my past life, Inochi Saido are also A Thing. But I'm the only one heard of with enough memories to use a different language or remember bits of popular culture.
One good thing is that now my more adult mannerisms get correctly chalked up to my having a relatively-pretty-well-remembered past life. One bad thing is that my 'I'm an innocent, albeit traumatized, little kid' card wears a bit thin now up against those in the know. Which, at my therapy session, led to this awkward conversation.
"So, Kimimaro, what are your views on sex and relationships?" Inoichi says, as blandly as if he had just said 'oh look it's raining outside'.
If he was expecting me to blush, stutter or generally be mildly embarrassed or caught off guard, he's sadly disappointed. All those years of retaining my composure haven't failed me yet, thank Kami. Also, I'm now thankful for that thing with Juugo where I had to explain some of the finer details of puberty.
"Sex is...sex." I shrug. "It's reproduction, same as any animal. But for humans there are extra physical, mental and emotional aspects. Physically, it can be about pleasure. Mental, about trust. Emotionally, it's about intimacy or comfort. Certain professions exploit these aspects to harvest information. Others can counter them by learning to reign in their mentality and emotions. Of course, because of these aspects, rape is a damage particularly hard to start healing." Hopefully that was as concise and professional as it sounded in my head. Judging from Inoichi's expression, I haven't left out or misrepresented anything particularly.
"And relationships?" He prompts. I raise an eyebrow, to communicate that I'm not entirely sure what his game is, before I give my answer. "Honestly, I don't really care about the orientations of others. I mean, it's just a fact that a person is attracted to this type of person. I can be happy that another person has found someone that makes them happy, from a basic-human-empathy standpoint, but that's it. And abusive relationships are just abusive, regardless of who it is.
And before it's asked, no, I'm not attracted to anyone as of yet, regardless of my mental maturity. I can think a person pretty, or prettier than another, just as I can with flowers, but that's it."
"What about Itachi Uchiha?"
I actually throw my arms up in the air at this. "Oh great! Hugging and being a supportive friend-slash-brother is now apparently sexual; nobody told me! Did nobody listen to what I just said? I have been very clear the whole time I've been in Konoha that I'm not physically old enough to be interested in that sort thing. Mental age regardless! And especially not with Itachi, no matter any time-skips to the years ahead! Just, no, nope, no way, nada, nente, nein, hell no."
Rant over, I take a sip of my tea. "And now my tea's gone cold. This day just keeps getting better and better."
Inoichi gets a gleam in his eye. "Yes, I read the book you found in the Library. It was exceedingly interesting, and I've passed it around the Yamanaka Clan, given that it's much more in-depth than the revised versions we've had up until now. Tell me, when you were doing your little experiment with the chakra paper, did...?'"
The session drifts off from there, but now matter how hard I wrack my brain, I just cannot shake the feeling that this isn't the end of the problems my Resonation with Itachi is going to cause.
And then Shisui asks me, in all seriousness, "what are your intentions towards Itachi?".
My first thought is 'why is Shisui giving me the brotherly 'shovel talk'?' Then it hits me like the proverbial ton of bricks.
I might be barely old enough to start getting romantically interested in others, but Itachi is.
I might view hugs and general openness as broad friends-and-family actions, but I seriously doubt Itachi would.
I might find it completely natural to trust people, but would Itachi?
I've been acting protective of Itachi, when everyone else expects him to be the protector.
It's not too big a step to reason that Itachi might begin to...fall for me.
And I've been leading him on without even knowing it, toying with his feelings and I never realised.
Inoichi was really asking if I knew what I was doing to Itachi, even though I view him as my adorably-emotionally-stunted-snarky-misfit-big-little brother.
I need to fix this. Or at least try.
I've tried meditation in order to try and preserve some of my non-Naruto-franchise-related previous-life memories, with limited success. I remember some faces of those in my family and the names that go with them, as well as snippets of information about them.
But I'm definitely sure now that I never really had a significant other. Crushes, I think, but no actual relationships. In fact, I'm almost certain that I was some middling shade of asexual.
I don't know if that still applies in this life or whatever, but either way, I can't have that with Itachi. He's part of my life, but not the thing it revolves around. Like I've reasoned before, he hasn't experienced the same things I have.
This isn't about the experience, the difference of which is big enough already, this is about how far it's put us apart in how we each understand humanity. Which means that we each know what we are willing to do when it comes to protecting what's ours; and those methods are not the same. And that right there is the tipping point.
"Itachi?"
Shisui hovers a few steps behind me; I can feel his eyes boring into my spine as Itachi glances up at my call. "Kimimaro! And Shisui?"
What do I say? What does anyone say in this kind of situation? How do I even start? The beginning is probably a good idea.
"Okay, so, there's something really important we need to discuss which I only realised needed to be discussed once Shisui tipped me off that this thing exists a few minutes ago and this is going to be really awkward for both of us, just a heads up." I'm rambling. Oh kami, I'm rambling and I'm jittery and my brain is seesawing between the options of clamming up for the next week or vomiting out all of my deepest darkest feelings and I'm one sentence away from running away screaming because I SUCK AT FEELINGS AND ITACHI SUCKS AT FEELINGS and I feel like I'm holding some priceless vase in greased fingers because I don't want to break Itachi.
And now my thinking is rambling.
Fuuuu...
All neurons please evacuate the cerebrum in an orderly manner, as there has been a severe malfunction in the facility's network, the mainframe will reboot in three seconds...
"Shisui kind of told me that you may have a crush on me and I realized that I've been really confusing this whole time and we need to sort out where we stand with each other!" I manage to blurt out. Except, y'know, with more run-together syllables. At least Itachi is quick off the mark so I don't have to go through the torture of repeating myself slowly. Instead, I have the torture of watching a tidal wave of embarrassment and horror crash through my friend; tight shoulders, braced to turn and run at a moment's notice, eyes wide...And I did this to him.
Thankfully, Shisui breaks the atmosphere by grabbing us both and tieing us to a tree so we can't run away. The coincidence most assuredly does not escape me. "Oh dear kami, the trees are going to be a thing." At their questioning glances; "I keep getting knocked out by, thrown against or tied to, trees. This has become some sort of cosmic running joke. And I can talk about that, but I'm finding it incredibly hard to talk about my feelings. This is truly a new low. Your turn Itachi."
He turns his head to look at me incredulously, with just a hint of hysteria. "Turn? What the hell are you on about Kimimaro?"
"It's how conversation works, isn't it? I say something, you say something, repeat. I just spoke, so now it's your turn to."
"No, it's still your turn because you tried to spend it on explaining a joke about trees."
"Yes, it's called procrastinating!"
"Well, can you let me have a go?!"
"Why do you think I'm continuing this argument?"
"Oh, maybe because we're both trying to run away from analyzing how what I want to feel for you and what I do feel about you don't match up and SHISUI I AM GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR EYES! YOU'RE DEAD TO ME; DISOWNMENT TIMES A THOUSAND!"
Wait, what? That's...the opposite of what angle I thought his side of the tree would take. Okay, I think I can actually think and articulate a sentence now?
"Before we go on, Itachi, I just want to say sorry. I only realized when Shisui told me, that my hugs and other physical contact would drastically confuse some boundaries. It's...uh...to do with the Resonating thing, I feel better when I actually touch you, not just being around you like it usually goes. Other peoples' chakra have different feels to them when I get used to them and yours is really nice and grounds me. It just means I'm comfortable around you and want the moment to last, not that I like you in a romantic or sexual way. I-I I hope that makes sense, I'm not good at explaining this sort of stuff when I don't have time to think out what I'm going to say beforehand."
He sags against the wire ever so slightly, like he's finally clicked and now it's a weight off of his shoulders. "That...yeah, that was something I'd been wondering about. But that's not - okay, that played a part - but I've never met anyone like you before and I've never felt this way before, so...'"
Yes, major stumbling block there, but I can work with that. "So, ignoring my hugging thing, you said that you feel things and want things that are different; how do you actually feel when you look at me, or when you hang out with me?"
"I'm not good with words like you are...but...You're the only non-Uchiha who'll willingly look me in the eye, and not many of my Clan even do that. Then you started asking me things, like how I felt about something, if I found this thing funny, what I wanted...You've been through hell and you've come out smiling, how could I not admire you? But you're not just generous, you're brave, kind, supportive and always know what to say. It's like another world when I'm with you; I can pretend that nothing matters other than being myself."
That definitely sounds like a crush. This lonely, scared little kid is looking at me like I hung the stars.
But it isn't.
"Itachi...It's okay. That isn't a crush. Or rather, it is, but because I'm an exception in your life, not the rule."
Shisui steps forward, an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm...he's right, cousin. That's not a crush; that's a psychological thing. And I'm...I am very sorry for setting this whole thing off. I jumped the branch a bit. I just want you to be happy and Kimimaro makes you happy, but he doesn't; he makes you content and stable and the rest of the time you're just melancholy, which I mistook for normal. I should have realised that you need to finish sorting out your life before you even start looking for romance."
"Wait, hold up." Itachi says, paling. "Kimimaro...and you Shisui, but you're family, so don't really count...and Resonation and hugging aside...are the only ones who treat me like that. The only ones. And hormones confused that for...'" he blanched. "Mother of mercy, how fucked up in the head am I?"
"Well," Shisui drawls. "The self-awareness of the problem means you're doing pretty good. But I'm more inclined to asking how fucked up in the head the Clan is, that their treatment of you made you this way."
Serious time now. "Itachi," I start solemnly. "I know I'm basically the little brother in this relationship, given that I'm a year younger than you and all. But if things go sour-" I swallow the nerves at what still looks pretty certain to happen in the next few years. "My door is always open, no matter what.
Except if you steal my blueberries. That is a heinous crime I cannot forgive. That, and talking in the cinema or theatre. You are lower than dirt if you ever do that."
Both Uchiha break into laughter. They have very similar laughs, I notice.
"My little-big brother, huh?" Itachi smiles softly. "Guess I have to call you Ani-chan, then."
"Itachi, I'm selfish. I'm willing to hurt a lot of people to protect the select few I care about. You rank pretty high up there on that list. You'd hurt a few people, including yourself, to protect everyone you could. And don't tell me I'm wrong. But I don't want you to get hurt; you run away, understand? Or I will personally resurrect you to explain how stupid it was and all the ways you could have done it differently, then kill you myself."
"Yeah," he croaks hoarsely, his bangs hiding his eyes. "You would do that."
All of a sudden, the wire wrapped around us loosens abruptly and a warm, calloused hand slips into mine. Itachi's looking right at me, Sharingan spinning as he smiles.
"Dear Amaterasu," Shisui groans exaggeratedly. "You kids are so frikking cute, you're giving me cavities."
I turn to him, raising an eyebrow.
"Itachi will never be more than a brother to me, but I'm not opposed to continuing to act like this and letting people assume if it will get the Fangirls off our backs. And the Yaoi fans aren't as openly aggressive, so they're easy enough to avoid." Shisui chokes briefly, before breaking out laughing.
"You two...I'm going to give up trying to predict you! Imagine everyone's faces when they find out you aren't...'" He dissolves into helpless cackling again.
But later that night, a single piece of information refused to stop circling around Itachi's head.
'In order to awaken the Mangekyo Sharingan...''
Next Time...
Of Crows, Grammar and Hide-and-seek
"But why do you...there are more exceptions to this rule than there are holes in a sieve!"
Reverse Engineering
"But Kimimaro...what is normal?"
"It's not about being normal, it's about finally having the ability to choose. Choice is important."
Look! Conflict!
Before you start writing about how this was way too emotional and angsty, I just want to say that the original draft was far more angsty. Then Shisui decided that it was too sappy and that tying them to a tree would get it over with faster.
Review who your favourite OC is so far out of Yuyu, Toshiki and Erumi, or just your favourite quote from the story so far! Or just guess what will happen next.
週次パワーステータス
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