章 130: Chapter Eighteen: A Mother's Feelings
Ever since Haruna had disappeared, Kanako had been a wreck. She tried texting and calling, but never got an answer. Eventually, she tried talking to Haruna's parents, but when Haruna's mother answered the door, she remained very tight-lipped. The best Kanako got out of her was permission to search Haruna's room for clues, which was where she found the girl's phone, along with all of Kanako's missed messages.
With no way to contact her, Kanako became even more worried, and it was really beginning to show. Her hair was getting more and more unkempt by the day, the only thing keeping it from being a completely disheveled mess being the tie for her ponytail. Her makeup, while never very noticeable in the first place, was dropping to levels of non-existence. Even her uniform suffered, with the bow becoming more and more loosely tied by the day.
The only thing Kanako cared about was finding Haruna, and she was willing to sacrifice any extra time possible to do that. Unfortunately though, no matter how much time she spent, her other resources were even more limited. Having little money and a spread-out geographical area, there wasn't much Kanako could do in terms of actual searching. She asked shop owners, restaurant servers, even people on the street if they had seen Haruna anywhere, but the answer was always the same: no.
Kanako was starting to run out of options. Without enough money, she couldn't afford transportation to get to other places that Haruna might be. To go along with that issue, Iwanai wasn't very close to other towns. Once she checked the surrounding area, any other place Kanako would want to go would be some distance away, meaning more in travel costs that she didn't have. With each passing day, the situation was looking more and more bleak.
Since the time Haruna had vanished, Kanako had also tried to enlist her friends to help, specifically Jasmine and Chiyo, but even they seemed to be at a loss. Haruna had never just up and left before, nor did she have any places she talk about frequently that she might be at. On top of that, both gals seemed to be preoccupied with other issues, so Kanako didn't want to bother them too much. "She can't have gone too far," Kanako thought. "I know I can find her!"
And yet, despite that determination, Kanako had come up dry. Sitting on the stairs during lunch, it was Thursday, April 8th. Haruna had been gone for more than a week, and Kanako was beginning to feel girlfriend withdrawal.
"Where is sheeee?" Kanako moaned. "After everything that's happened, we finally get together, and then she runs away again! It's like trying to keep a stray cat!" Next to her, Hinami giggled. "I-I never knew Endo-san was so fickle." "She can be," Kanako said with a definitive nod. Then, her expression became more somber. "But that's also another part of her I love... I love all of her… I... miss her…" "Kana-chan…" Hinami let out, seeing how depressed Kanako was getting.
"What am I going to do if I can't find her…?" Kanako said, barely audible. "Y-You keep saying that she has to be nearby, r-right?" Hinami offered, but Kanako shrugged. "Yeah, but I've looked all over the place nearby, and she wasn't there. I guess it's possible that somebody could be hiding her, but I doubt it. After all, Haruna never had many friends." "T-That's kind of mean," Hinami said. "But it's true," Kanako said. "Even when we were kids, I was the only one Haruna played with. She didn't really have any other friends until Chiyo came along."
"D-Do you think C-Chiyo or H-Hiraoka-san are helping hide Endo-san?" Hinami asked, but Kanako shook her head. "I don't know Jasmine-chan that well, but if she was helping Haruna, I feel like she would've told me. And if Chiyo was helping Haruna, it's more likely she would've found a way to get Haruna to face her issues rather than run away."
Then Hinami suggested something more worrying. "W-What if she's in t-trouble? Like, k-kidnapping?" After saying that Hinami looked at Kanako, but the girl didn't seem to have much of a reaction. "To be honest," she began. "I considered that, but I'd like to think that Iwanai isn't a place where people just get kidnapped." "B-But what if-" Hinami said, but was cut off.
"Hinami-chan… please."
The look in Kanako's eyes said it all. They were practically begging Hinami to stop suggesting such awful outcomes. "I'm worried enough as it is. I know there's a chance something horrible happened, but please stop bringing it up," was the message conveyed. Understanding that, Hinami fell silent.
It was awkwardly quiet between them for a moment before Hinami spoke again. "I-Is there… anything I can do?" Kanako looked at her, seeing a face full of unease and what looked like regret. It was a face Kanako could hardly bear to look at. "I'm sorry Hinami-chan," she said. "This has probably been hard on you too, and yet all I keep doing is venting to you…"
"N-No!" Hinami exclaimed. "Y-You shouldn't be sorry Kana-chan! If anything, y-you're the one that's suffering the most. It's true that E-Endo-san means a lot to me, but I'm just her fan… you're the one she loves." Then Hinami looked at Kanako. "The reason I want to help isn't just because of me being a fan. I-It's because you're my friend, and I-I want to help you with your problems."
Kanako stared at Hinami in surprise before managing a smile. "You know, you've changed a lot since we first met." "I-I have?" Hinami said. "Yeah," Kanako said, nodding. "You're still timid, but I feel like you talk more openly than before." "Oh," Hinami said, a bashful smile coming onto her face. Just knowing she had managed to change, even a little, for the better helped to lift her own spirits.
"B-But still," she said. "Even with these changes, i-it doesn't bring us any closer to finding E-Endo-san." Kanako sighed. "I know… Geez, Haruna, come back already!" "I-Is there nowhere else you can look?" Hinami asked. "Well…" Kanako said, indicating she did have an idea. Hinami waited to hear it, but Kanako didn't go on. Instead, she took on a pensive expression. The idea she had was really one she didn't want to do.
"K-Kana-chan?" Hinami said, concerned. "Sorry," Kanako said. "I just got lost in thought." "C-Can you tell me what you were t-thinking about?" "...Just that I hope I can find Haruna soon," Kanako said, not entirely telling the truth. She definitely wanted to find her girlfriend, but in order to do that… "Do I really have to?" she wondered.
*****
At home after school, Kanako stared at a picture in her hand. In it, it was her and Haruna together at a festival from when they were kids. "Now that I think about it," Kanako said aloud. "We don't really have many pictures of us together now that we're in high school." Of course, that made sense to some degree. Having still been at odds through their first year, and even before that in junior high, the only chances they'd had for pictures were all in the last year. During that year, so much had happened that there had hardly been time for pictures. "…We should take a lot together when Haruna comes back," Kanako thought hopefully.
With the topic back on her mind, Kanako set the picture down on her desk and leaned back in her chair. "Haruna…" she said quietly. In the week that had passed, this had become a more common occurrence. After spending all day trying to figure out where the girl had gone, Kanako would end up spending her night just thinking about her. And, with each night she did this, her longing for her grew as well. "How long are you going to make me wait… dummy," she muttered.
Shifting gears, she tried to think of ways to find Haruna, but all she was coming up with were either ideas she had already tried, or the only that she didn't want to try. "I know I shouldn't ignore any possible options, but…" Kanako thought. It really was unpleasant to her, but at the same time, it was seeming like the only viable option she had left. "Haaah…" she sighed.
Putting that aside, Kanako went back to thinking about Haruna to put herself in a better mood. She thought about her long, silky black hair. Her green eyes that sparkled like emeralds in the light. Her slender figure that allowed Kanako to wrap her arms perfectly around Haruna's waist. Their height difference, and how Kanako actually loved looking up at her girlfriend.
All of these little details made Kanako feel happier, but they also helped to foster a sense of loneliness within her as well. She loved all of those things she thought about, but what she loved even more was that, now that she and Haruna were dating, she could enjoy all of those things as much as she wanted. At least, that's how it should've been, but instead she had a girlfriend who was nowhere to be found, let alone enjoyed.
"...I need to find her," Kanako thought resolutely. "If I have to swallow my pride, then that's what I'll do.
Anything to bring Haruna home."
She still felt very uneasy, but Kanako's mind was made up. She'd use her last option, despite how much she hated it. All for the sake of the girl she loved.
*****
The next day at school, Kanako sat anxiously in her classroom. By this point, she had done everything she needed to do, so all that was left was to show up at the meeting spot at lunch that had been agreed upon. As the minutes ticked by, they slowly turned into hours, gradually increasing Kanako's dread. "…I have to do this," she told herself.
Finally, when lunchtime arrived, she made her way to the top floor of the school building and toward an empty classroom. It was one that wasn't in use, and with how out of the way it was for other people, it was unlikely anyone would come by to interrupt. Entering, Kanako walked toward the window and stared out it.
"Enjoying the view?" a voice said. Turning around, Kanako saw the person she was waiting for. "Akio-kun…" she said with a mix of irritation and regret.
The boy, Akio Miyashita, stood in the doorway for a moment before coming farther into the room. Standing taller than Kanako, she had to look up at him too, but unlike Haruna, it didn't make her happy at all. Rather, it made her feel like she was being looked down on. "It's funny that a year ago I actually liked this view," she thought passingly.
With slightly messy, short brown hair, hazel eyes that were a little sharp and a white dress shirt with grey pants and a lavender tie to show he was a third-year, Akio was decently attractive. However, Kanako knew better now. While she didn't believe he was completely rotten, she had learned the hard way that he had a mean streak and could be quite manipulative. It was indirectly by his own hand that Kanako and Haruna had gotten together, but honestly, neither of them held a shred of thankfulness toward the boy. As far as either of them were concerned, he was their biggest enemy.
But, desperate times called for desperate measures. Having exhausted all of her other options and ideas, asking Akio for help had been the last one Kanako could think of. But, now that the boy was standing in front of her, she was already regretting her decision.
"I'm not here for the view," Kanako said sharply. "I need to talk to you about something." "I was surprised to get a text from you. Thought you deleted my number," Akio said casually. Kanako scowled, but he went on. "This is about Haruna-chan, right?" Akio guessed correctly. Kanako's eyes widened. "How did you-" "Come on," Akio said, cutting her off. "If you're going to talk to me, it's gotta be about Haruna-chan, right? It's not like you'd want to talk to me just for kicks, especially not after you got such a cute girlfriend." "I appreciate you understand that Haruna is cute, but I don't want to hear you say it," Kanako said, annoyed. "Sorry for giving out compliments," Akio said sarcastically, a smug look on his face.
"And anyways," he went on. "I think the whole school knows what you've been up to considering you've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off." "I-I have not," Kanako tried to deny, but she knew it was true. Akio laughed. "It's like watching a dog frantically look for a ball or something." "If you're just going to make fun of me, then I'm going to leave," Kanako huffed, but Akio only shrugged. "Aren't you the one that needs my help? I don't think you're really in a position to walk away." "Urk…" Kanako groaned.
Finally, Akio got serious. "Look, despite everything that's happened, I still care about both of you, so you're not the only one worried about Haruna-chan." "If you told Haruna that, she'd probably hit you," Kanako said, a satisfied smile on her face from imagining the scene. Seeing that, Akio began to feel irritated himself. "Do you want my help or not?" "Sorry…" Kanako mumbled. If she wanted to get anywhere with the boy, she needed to shelf her more than bitter feelings toward him and focus on the task at hand.
Putting on a serious face herself, Kanako looked at Akio. "Do you have any idea where Haruna went?" Considering the three of them had grown up together, it was possible that Akio could think of some place Haruna would go that Kanako either didn't know about or had forgotten about. Receiving the question, Akio gave it some thought. "Where Haruna-chan might be…" he muttered, then spoke up.
"Did you try the neighbors around you?"
"None of them have seen Haruna in a while, apparently."
"What about local businesses?"
"Only a few of them have residences attached, and they don't have spare rooms."
"The police?"
"Haruna didn't get arrested!"
"Geez, Akio-kun!" Kanako pouted. "Why'd you even have to say that?" "It's not like I think she's a criminal now," Akio said. "Although, that might explain why you can't find her." "My girlfriend is perfectly innocent!" Kanako exclaimed. "If anyone's a criminal here, it's you." "Huh? What crime did I commit?" Akio asked, puzzled. "The crime of toying with a girl's heart," Kanako said angrily. "Ah… right, that one," Akio said, looking uncomfortable. "Look, Kana-chan-" "Save it," Kanako spat. "The last thing I want to hear right now are excuses from you about what you did to me and Haruna."
The atmosphere in the room got tense, and Akio could only put his hand behind his head and nervously laugh. "Yeah, I'm sure you don't. Let's just get back to the main problem." "Fine," Kanako said. "So, any other ideas?" "What about hotels?" Akio suggested. "There are barely any around here, and I don't think Haruna can afford one," Kanako explained. "Should you really be making assumptions?" Akio asked, but Kanako just shook her head. "It's not an assumption. W-Well, at first it was, but eventually I wanted to find out for myself, so I called all of the hotels and inns within a day's drive. None of them said they have a Haruna Endo." "What if she's just using a fake name?" Akio said.
Kanako thought about it, but decided that probably wasn't the case. "Maybe I'm just trying to be too optimistic, but I don't think Haruna would do something like use a fake name," she said. Akio agreed, then went with something else. "What about her parents?"
Kanako got quiet. She had already tried once, but they had refused to talk, only giving her the sparsest of details. However, now that it had been more than a week since Haruna's disappearance, she began to wonder if maybe the Endo parents would be more willing to talk now.
"I tried them once, but I haven't gone more than that," Kanako admitted. "Then start there," Akio said simply. "Pressing Haruna-chan's parents for information will probably be what will help you the most. Besides, no matter what happened, even if the situation is their fault, as Haruna-chan's parents, they'll just want their daughter to come home."
As much as she hated to agree with Akio, what he said made sense. Any good parent would want their child to be safe and to know where they are. By this point, surely all Haruna's parents wanted was for her to come back already. "I guess I'll try them again," Kanako decided.
She turned to leave, but Akio stopped her. "Kana-chan," he said. She looked back, giving a look of annoyance. At first, it looked like Akio was going to say something, but then he seemed to change his mind. "…I hope you find Haruna-chan," was all he said, and with that, Kanako left without another word.
Watching her go, Akio sighed. "Geez," he said to the empty classroom. "I knew talking to her again wouldn't be fun, but I didn't think it'd be that brutal." Then, taking on a more serious expression, he muttered something that only he would hear.
"I should really tell her the whole story, shouldn't I?"
*****
After school, Kanako decided to go straight to the Endo house. Truthfully, she had wanted to try pushing Haruna's parents before, but at the time, it had felt like she wouldn't get anything from them. However, now that it had been several more days, it seemed more possible that they'd be more willing to help. Although, in some part of her mind, Kanako wondered why they hadn't in the first place.
"Did they look for her and have no luck like I did? Or do they just not care?" Kanako doubted it was the latter of the two questions, but she did find it odd that she hadn't seen or heard anything about Haruna's parents looking for their daughter. At the very least, they should've asked Kanako if she knew where Haruna went. "Not that I could've told them, but still…" she thought.
When she got to the door, she stopped. "Wait, will they even be home?" Kanako wondered. Haruna's mother and father both worked for the same company, so they also both had a tendency to work late. "Well, it doesn't hurt to knock," Kanako thought, raising her hand. Knocking several times, she waited until she heard the click of a lock unlocking.
The door slowly opened, and standing in the entryway was a middle-aged woman with black hair that came down just past her chin. Her features, usually a little stern and steady, were more unkempt than Kanako was used to seeing. There were clear bags under the woman's eyes, and her face seemed to be a little gaunt, most likely due to worry. When she saw Kanako in front of her, her expression shifted from lifeless to a mix of hopeful and guilty.
"Kana-chan…" she said quietly, no strength in her voice. "I'm sorry, Haruna isn't-" "I know, Endo-san," Kanako said, trying to ease the woman's tension. "I was just hoping we could talk." "Talk…?" Haruna's mother repeated. "If it's about my daughter, I've already told you I don't know where she is."
At this moment, Kanako knew she had several options. She could go with her original plan, which was to keep pressing her until Kanako got what she wanted. She could try a more slow approach, working her way up to Haruna. Or, she could go with the plan that had come to her upon seeing Haruna's mother.
"Endo-san," she said. "I just… want to know how you're doing." Seeing how haggard she looked, Kanako had cast aside her original desires. This wasn't the woman Kanako knew, who was a strong, stern, but fair parent. This was someone who was sad, and maybe even a little broken. She didn't need to have pressure put her on. She needed to be cared for.
"May I come in?" Kanako asked kindly. Not knowing how else to respond, Haruna's mother simply moved aside. Taking that as an okay, Kanako went into the house. "I'll go make some tea," she said, heading for the kitchen. "Ah...no, I should-" Haruna's mother said, but Kanako stopped her. "It's okay, Endo-san. Just please wait a moment."
Doing as she was told, Haruna's mother decided to wait in the living room. When she sat down, she put a hand to her forehead. "Honestly, just what am I doing?" she muttered. "My own daughter's friend is taking care of me when she's a guest in my own house… How shameful…"
Just like Kanako said, it was only a few moments later when she returned with a tea set. Placing it on the coffee table by the couch, she poured the piping hot liquid into one cup, then the other. "Here," she said, handing one of the cups to Haruna's mother. "Careful, it's hot." "...Thank you," the woman said, blowing on the contents a few times before taking a sip. The taste was pleasant, and it helped her to relax a little.
The two of them sat in silence for a bit, each unsure of what to say. When the silence was finally broken, it was Haruna's mother who was first to speak. "...When I first got pregnant with Haruna, I was so uncertain about everything." Pausing, she looked to see if Kanako was paying attention. A little to her surprise, it appeared Kanako's gaze had never left the woman. Looking back down into her cup, she continued.
"Being the kind of person I am, I had always wondered if I would make a good mother. But, before I could even decide if I would be, I got pregnant. Believe it or not, my husband was ecstatic. He doesn't seem the type, but he can get very excited about things. However… I was nothing but worried. Would I be able to raise a child properly? Would I be able to give them what they need? One day… would they come to hate me?"
Haruna's mother paused once more, continuing to stare into her cup. "But when she was born, it was like all of those doubts both got magnified and disappeared at the same time. I became so worried for her, but at the same time, all I wanted to do was give this child love. I think her father felt the same way too. We just wanted to do everything we could for her."
"As Haruna grew up, it naturally became harder. We noticed that she was getting moody, and it was starting to become more difficult to talk to her. It also probably didn't help that both me and my husband got busier at work, so we didn't even see Haruna that much anymore."
"But, I was never too worried about stuff like that. I began to think 'as long as she has good people in her life, she'll be fine.' Having you and Miyashita-kun around, it started feeling like that was true. And, when Haruna began to develop feelings for Miyashita-kun, I thought it was all the better. It seemed perfect that she'd fall in love with the boy she grew up with. That way she wouldn't have to marry some strange man later in life."
"Before I knew it though, she had started changing again. I wonder, how long has it been since I actually looked at my daughter? Perhaps if I had taken the time to see, then I would've noticed…" "Noticed what?" Kanako asked. Haruna's mother looked at her, then gave a weak smile that almost seemed to be self-depreciating. "That her feelings were changing," she said.
"The next thing I knew, Haruna seemed to want nothing to do with Miyashita-kun, and after fighting with you for years, you two were suddenly close again. In fact, it felt like you were even closer than before. But, because I wasn't really looking, I didn't give it as much thought as I should've."
Once again, Haruna's mother fell silent, searching for the right words. "...When Haruna told us about your… relationship, my husband got quite upset. He started yelling all sorts of things, but honestly, I was hardly listening. I was just too stunned. I kept wondering where we had gone wrong, or if we had at all. Had Haruna faked liking Miyashita-kun? Had she actually always liked girls instead? Just how long had she had feelings for you? I thought about all of those things."
"By the time I really focused back on the conversation, it had gotten out of hand, and without giving it much thought, I agreed with my husband, feeling like it was all for the best for Haruna. After all, it's not easy to be a same-sex couple in Japan. The difficulties she would face would probably crush her. But… a part of me couldn't help but question if that was really our decision to make?"
"Unfortunately, I didn't even have the time to consider it. Haruna ran out the door, and I haven't seen her since. I thought she'd be back in a day or two, that she had probably just gone to Chiyo's, or another friend's place, but it's been over a week now… I haven't even gone to work in several days, and my husband's been out looking..."
"Um, Endo-san," Kanako said. "Can I ask why you didn't tell me any of this before?"
"Because I feel incredibly ashamed and guilty."
The answer came immediately, and it took Kanako several seconds to process it. "Ashamed… and guilty?" she repeated. Haruna's mother nodded. "I'm ashamed because I've failed as a parent, and I feel guilty because my husband and I are the reason why Haruna ran away. We should've asked her for her reasons, or asked more about her feelings. Instead, we just fell back on the old way of things and yelled her into a corner."
"S-So, then," Kanako began nervously. "H-How do you feel about… Haruna's relationship with me?" Haruna's mother was quiet, giving the question some thought. "I… can't say I approve," she finally said. "But, allow me to be clear. It's not because I'm against same-sex relationships or anything like that. I'm just afraid for my daughter. What if she faces terrible things because of those feelings? Worse yet, what if her troubles could've been avoided if she had just married a man instead? Knowing there's such a simple solution, and knowing that instead of going with that, I allowed my child to put herself in harm's way… I feel guilty about our actions now, but I think I'd feel even worse if I allowed her to live her life that way."
Kanako took in all of Haruna's mother's words before finally responding herself. "Endo-san," she said. "If Haruna has to face something terrible, then I'll make sure she doesn't face it alone. If she has troubles, then I'll be the ear that listens to all of them, and the hand that helps her. If Haruna starts to fall, then I'll hold her up. When she's happy, I want to share that joy with her, and when she's sad, I'm certain my heart with break just as much alongside hers. Because, no matter what, I want to hold her hand in mine, give her a smile, and tell her I love her. I'll tell her again, and again, and again. I'll tell her so many times she might even get sick of hearing it, but I'll keep saying it anyways. I love Haruna with all my heart, so, if I may, I'd like to make a selfish request."
Haruna's mother stared at Kanako, eyes wide. "When did you-" she began to say. "grow up so much?" would've been the rest, but she was cut off by her phone ringing. "Ah, sorry, I have to take this. It might be… work?" Looking at the number on her screen, it was one Haruna's mother didn't recognize. Tentatively, she answered it. "Hello?"
For a moment, it was quiet, but suddenly, Haruna's mother stood up. "What, really?!" she exclaimed. "Thank you! Thank you so much!" Hanging up, she looked down at Kanako. "That was an inn not too far from here. They just told me that Haruna's been staying there as a worker." "She's working at an inn?" Kanako said, baffled. She had tried calling all of the inns and hotels in the area, so how had she not found Haruna earlier? "Maybe she really is using a fake name," Kanako thought.
Then, just as suddenly as the relief had come onto her face, Haruna's mother became serious once more. "I… can't go get her," she said quietly. "If I do, I'm certain Haruna will only run from me. After all, what child wants to see the parents that cast aside their feelings?" In response, Kanako remained silent. She couldn't deny that it was possible Haruna wouldn't want anything to do with her parents.
"Kanako," Haruna's mother said, getting the girl's attention completely with her first name. "Do you… really love my daughter?"
"I do," Kanako said without hesitation. Hearing that, Haruna's mother stared at her. "And what was your request?" she asked. Kanako steeled herself, took in a breath, and then let it out before looking straight back at Haruna's mother.
"I want you to leave Haruna to me."
She said it with as much determination as she could. In the back of her mind, Kanako noticed how much it sounded like asking to have Haruna's hand in marriage, but she put that aside, trying to remain focused. Across from her, Haruna's mother reacted with surprise, but after everything she had heard, there was only one thing she felt she could do.
"Hearing how much you care about my daughter, all I can say is this: Please," she said, bowing deeply. "Bring my daughter home. If you can do that, I'll give her to you with my blessing."
It was such an earnest request that Kanako was taken aback for a moment. At first, she wasn't sure how to react, but she quickly gathered herself. She finally had the chance to see Haruna again, and she wasn't going to miss it.
"I promise I will," she answered.
Haruna's mother stood up straight again, and Kanako could see tears had formed in the corners of Haruna's mother's eyes. "Thank you…" she practically whispered. "And I want you to know that once she's back, we'll have a proper talk. About everything." "That sounds good," Kanako said with a smile.
After that, Haruna's mother gave Kanako the address of the inn. Kanako thought she would go that night, but just as she went to leave, a man opened the front door. "I'm hom- hm?" he said, noticing Kanako right in front of him. "Kana...chan?" he said, narrowing his eyes. Then, he looked at his wife, who slightly averted her gaze. He stared at the two of them with suspicion, then spoke.
"Just what… is going on here?"
End of Chapter Eighteen.
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