I raised my heavy head then rolled myself out of bed. It wasn't like I had a fever, but I had a mild headache that had been going on for a long time.
The reason was obvious. I had skipped five days of school with a feeling of guilt. I've never missed a day of school before, except when I was sick. Tormented by the guilt, I try to think of something else to wipe out the feeling, but I fail to get it out of my head. If I could just get rid of it by trying to forget about it, I wouldn't have taken five days off.
I'll have to do something for a change. I grabbed my cell phone and tapped on the photo folder, leaving several messages unread, and I accessed the earliest records I had taken. Scrolling through the photos, I looked at them nostalgically.
The first photo that made me stop was one taken just after I entered school, when I didn't have anyone I could call friends yet.
It was the first and only two-shot I took with Hirata-kun, who was smiling gently beside me while I was still unable to smile. I'm still not very good at smiling, but I think I've improved a lot since then.
"I miss this..."
School life in Japan, where I didn't know my right from my left. Hirata-kun was the first person who helped me unwind when I was surrounded by tension. At that time, I was still unaware of my feelings of love. All I could think of was that he was good-looking, kind, and a wonderful person.
I didn't realize it because I didn't have the time to fall in love in China, where competition was so strong and the level of study so high. I don't know when I realized that I was in love, but from the day I became aware of it, I knew I would never put it into words.
Hirata-kun is very popular and not someone I can reach.
If I conveyed my feelings to him by mistake, it would only embarrass him. So I kept it to myself and was content to just be by his side.
"And yet..."
I was so embarrassed and scared just thinking about it again, tears welled up in my eyes.
"How can I..."
Everyone in my class knew that I liked Hirata-kun. When I changed my seat, I'm sure they noticed that I was trying to be near him, right? I don't know what I should act like when I go to school... After I came to this conclusion, I was struck by another guilty feeling. Sakura-san, who had shown both kindness and strictness to Hasebe-san, left the school. Her feelings must have been immeasurably painful. And yet, I was so full of myself that I pushed the button in favor of expulsion, just wishing that those exams would end.
"It's the worst..."
I hated myself for being such a jerk, and I was in so much pain. I'm such a burden… I was about to turn off the screen of my cell phone because I didn't want to look at myself smiling awkwardly when I remembered the email I had received from Ayanokōji-kun on Monday night. I wonder how he is feeling right now. Is he still able to go to school after having his precious friend expelled by his own hands?
If he is.. how is he doing it?
I'd like to meet him and talk to him in person, so I read through the email that he sent me.
[I want to talk to you in person.]
"Oh..."
Ayanokōji-kun's message was linked to mine, as if my feelings had become text. A phone number and room number are attached, just in case.
Is he going to give me advice?
There are a few people besides Ayanokōji-kun who are worried about me. Are you okay? Do you want me to listen to you? Don't force yourself, okay? While I was grateful for such kind words, I didn't feel confident that any of them would lead to a solution.
However, Ayanokōji-kun can be different…
I want you to listen to me. I want to hear what you have to say.
"He wants me to come to...?"
It was still 5:30 p.m.. It's early for dinner but… I think it's rude to visit him out of the blue. I paced back and forth in my room for a while, pondering, and time just flew by.
I made up my mind and resolved to visit Ayanokōji-kun. I pick up the phone nervously. Five times, six times... I hear the tenth ring, and I'm wondering if I should hang up.
Ayanokōji-kun answered the call, and I panicked and shouted.
"Oh, um… this is Wang, Wang! Is this Ayanokōji-kun?"
"You called me, didn't you?"
Ayanokōji-kun's slightly echoed voice and the sound of the shower running faintly reached my ears.
"Yes. I've been having trouble leaving my room for a long time. I feel like I can get out now, so I was wondering if I could talk to Ayanokōji-kun for a minute..."
"Now?"
"Is this a bad time...? I'm sorry for calling so suddenly. I'm not good at these things..."
Maybe it's just a bad time and I can't do anything about it.
"I don't think so, but can you give me a moment of your time? I'll be ready in half an hour, no, twenty minutes."
Knowing how depressed I was, Ayanokōji-kun said that to me.
"Oh, thank you very much! I'll be there in 20 minutes! Excuse me!"
I was strangely nervous and hung up the phone immediately, unable to stand it.
"Fuuu... I'm so thrilled."
Maybe the fact that I hadn't talked to someone in a week had an effect on me. While I waited, I made myself presentable and after almost 20 minutes, I got ready and left the room. When I opened the front door, which now felt heavier than usual...
"Oh, it's there again."
There was a plastic bag placed by my door.
"They've come again today."
Inside are jellies, tea, and sandwiches.
I first noticed it on Monday night when I quietly left my room to go to the convenience store.
At first I thought that someone had just put it there by mistake, but the plastic bag contained a small piece of paper with my room number written on it. It didn't have the sender's name on it though, so I didn't know who it was.
"Oh, there's also a salad in there today but not quite my kind of salad..."
Lots of protein, and a chicken caesar salad.
Still, it's kind of nice to see that the selection changes a bit every day.
"I wonder who is doing this."
There's nothing else in the plastic bag that could be a clue, and no receipt. Thanking them, I leave it at the door for now and take the stairs to the fourth floor where Ayanokōji's room is located. I feel strangely nervous on the floors where the boys' room is located. With this in mind, I opened the door and entered the hallway, just as the door to a room opened. It looks exactly like Ayanokōji-kun's room. But the person who came out from inside...
For a moment I wondered who it was, but it was Karuizawa-san. She didn't have her usual nice ponytail, but her hair was smooth and straight.
And the two of them were dressed roughly.
Could it be that they were on a date in their room?
If that's the case, I must have made a ridiculously annoying phone call… I almost felt depressed again, but I couldn't run back home. My eyes met with Karuizawa-san's, who immediately took action to look around, as if other people were watching.
"Speak of the devil, there she is." Said Karuizawa-san as she saw me walking up to Ayanokōji-kuns door. "See you later, Kiyotaka!"
Nervously, I took a deep breath, and Karuizawa-san also took two deep breaths. She might say something about Hirata-kun.
"Ba, bye!"

"Eh, what?"
I brace myself, but she just says goodbye and walks past me without making eye contact.
I stop her as she leaves in a hurry.
"Um, Karuizawa-san!"
"What?"
"I'm sorry... for suddenly calling Ayanokōji-kun, I'm sorry for disturbing you..."
"That's not true, not at all. Really."
"But..."
"You wanted to ask him for advice, didn't you? You're not going to call him now, right? It's best to use your newfound courage."
It seemed that my feelings had been conveyed over the phone after all. Karuizawa-san stopped and came back a bit and smiled gently at me.
"Don't hesitate to ask him for advice, I guess. That guy seems to have a lot to say, but he's not very good at talking. Even then, I think he can give you an answer."
"Yes."
I've come this far, I've come this far. I have to put everything I'm thinking into it. I feel that Karuizawa-san has helped me to create that kind of feeling.
"Well then, I'll be waiting for you next Monday."
She gave me an encouraging pep talk and she went straight to tapping the elevator's up/down button in succession. But when she realized that the elevator wouldn't be coming soon, she left by the emergency exit stairs.
"Thank you, Karuizawa-san."
At least it didn't look like she was unhappy with me.
I always had a strong impression that she was scary when she got angry, but today Karuizawa-san seemed soft and kind… And now I don't have time to think about anything else, so I hurried to Ayanokōji-kun's room.
I pressed the chime and the door opened in about 30 seconds.
Ayanokōji-kun was silent as he welcomed me in, so I immediately started to get impatient.
"Oh, um, I was contacted by... and... well, I just wanted to talk to you!"