章 13: C13: Vaughn
[ Friday, August 19 ]
It's been a month since Amethyst had gone missing. Up until now, nothing is happening. I don't know if I'm missing something, or if I didn't do something that could've helped our search. We made ads, informed the media, gathered information and so on. It's only been a month, but it felt like an eternity. This is the longest month of my life.
How long, Amethyst? How long will I wait? Are you doing this intentionally? Can't I even get the chance to explain my side at the very least? I already know that there's no such thing as a wedding that'll ever happen at the end of this year because of the damage that I've done – but can't I at least get the chance to clear up my name and point out the misunderstandings? To tell her that I love her, and it was never my intention to break her heart?
My head started hurting, and I squeezed my eyes shut to bear the pain. My face started feeling numb. I stood up to walk, but it felt like I'm losing the strength in my legs. I can't live like this.
I ignored the pain and took a deep breath. Maybe this is because I'm feeling drained about the entire thing.
I walked in our house's balcony, carrying my guitar with me. I sat on the chair, the overview of the city as my view. It was like a month ago, I was in a balcony too. She stood next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder as we watched the fireworks that we weren't expecting to see.
That night, I wished that we can be like that forever. But does forever even exists, now that everything's a mess?
I strummed the strings of my guitar, trying to catch the proper tune that'll suit the lyrics of a song that I composed.
///
In the silence of the night
The wind blows hard, and I stand still
Looking at the night sky where the stars are shining,
That I wish that you can also see
In the silence of the night
My heart screams,
Where hast thou gone, my love?
How long will you hide your face from me?
Will there be another chance?
For you to come back home in my arms
Feel the warmth that melts every frozen heart
I promised to love you forever
And I will, as long as you'll let me to
///
I closed my eyes as I savor the music enter my ears. The lyrics sink into me even more with each strum. It felt like the world stopped – and it's only just me, a shattered person from the inside and my guitar.
"Vaughn?" I looked behind me to see the person who called my name. "How are you holding up?" my mother asked, her eyes filled with worry. I can imagine how she feels like whenever she sees me like this. Alone, drowned in the songs that I'm composing under the night sky.
I shook my head and avoided her eyes. "I'm physically alive, but mentally and emotionally dead," I answered and I cleared my throat to compose myself. "It felt like my heart is getting near to stop beating, you know that? Because this? Everything is too much to handle. It's like I don't even have a voice."
Mom took a chair and sat next to me. She took my hand and held it in her warm hands.
"Vaughn, you're a strong person. I know you as someone who'll never give up on your dreams. For many years, you showed their family about who you are as a person and the social status won't define you. They learned how to respect you eventually. Will you let one problem ruin you? Son, wake up. This isn't so you. You have to overcome this. God won't let you experience something that you can't survive. Don't let your pain make you weaker. Make your pain be your strength. There are four words that you have to remove in your vocabulary. First, the word can't, because you can do all things because Christ will strengthen you. Second, the word never, because all things are possible to those who believe. Third, the word quit, because you'll always reap what you sow. All efforts count, trust me. Lastly, the word depressed, because there's no sense in being upset about things. In everything, give thanks. If you'll be upset about something, will that change anything? No. You'll only drain yourself. You can do this. It's hard if you'll do this alone. But if you'll let God help you, all things are possible."
I know my mother's trying to cheer me up. Obviously, I needed those words. I was an optimistic person but now, it's just so hard to believe that things will be all well soon. I want to believe that Amethyst and I can still be together, get married and live the rest of my life with her. But with the fact that there's hardly any result in our search and it's been a month, as much as I reject the thought, it looks unbelievable.
God, help me overcome my unbelief.
"Do you think, she can still forgive me for all the damage that I've done?" I asked, hoping to get a believable answer.
"Love never fails. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Amethyst might've run away perhaps, but if that's the case, it only means that she needs space because she needs healing. She might not know about all those things, but let's hope that she'll come back. If in case, I hope not, she was kidnapped, we'll find it out," she looked at me and cupped my cheeks as if I'm a child. "Listen. Don't let your emotions control you. It's all about the mindset, Vaughn. It's about the perspective. If you'll have the right perspective and see your goal, you'll do whatever it takes to achieve it. Giving up is not an option."
Those words are good enough and I'll do my best to apply them. It somehow filled an empty space in my heart, but still not enough if I won't get any result. Amethyst, I will never give up.
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