章 104: Safety distance
It was now a few days past Christmas, when one of the most difficult decisions of all had to be taken before the eyes of the Baron.
Let go or keep his child with him.
Rudolph was only eight years old.
Juniper felt a great affection towards his adoptive son, he felt it, it was just difficult for him to notice how much that child resembled another man who was not him.
He always felt that he had passed over that fact, that he had accepted him as his own son.
He loved Rudolph, he loved him, he felt he loved him not as his son, but perhaps even more than his own, as his legitimate heir.
The Baron was afraid he would not be able to show him enough affection.
Juniper himself had always despised the father figure he had had as a child, he had not drawn anything from it and now, that he himself found himself holding the figure of a parent for someone else, he felt the full weight of this task.
The carriage stopped, they had arrived, they had finally reached the port of Greenock, a small harbour built centuries earlier in one of the smallest and most agrarian towns in central Scotland, where, thanks to a private ship of the Northern barony, his future wife and his son were due to arrive in Ireland two days later.
Although Abigail's parents, Lord and Lady Dallas, were initially displeased by the existence of an illegitimate child in their noble family, they agreed to take care of him and give him everything he needed, at least until the end of the war.
Juniper was afraid, he had to admit it, and that fear ended up passing it on to his beloved and his son as well.
It was better that they stayed away from him at least for a while, not to have to suffer all the violence of the war, to stay alive.
They got out of the black carriage and felt the whole harbour environment around them.
The smell of fish, the salty smell of the cold water of the sea which connected Scotland with the island of Ireland.
Those houses, all the same, all monotonous, all of the same material and color, those wooden roofs, the bell tower, which sad for farewell stood out in a dull brown color from the city.
They were on the short wooden and damp dock.
There was a smell of seaweed in the air, that was the only way to ensure that his family arrived safely at their destination.
One of Rudolph's small, frozen hands clasped his father's.
Did he wait for him to go with them too? Did he think he wanted to accompany them in his small and naive eight-year-old head?
It was too difficult for him to say goodbye to his son, not knowing if he would ever see him again.
The eyes of the two met, the hopeful, large ones of Rudolph and those full of regret and sadness of Juniper.
The Baron did not look at him, not anymore, it was too difficult to push the child he had raised away from himself, to break every dream and every hope of him.
-Father...- the boy whispered pushing his parent's hand to him -what are you waiting for? Why don't you come?-.
It hurt so bad, it burned inside his stomach, in Juniper's eyes salty tears had appeared.
Why was he crying? Why was he crying like that for a son who wasn't even his?
He was very fond of him and this feeling in difficult cases like this could lead to so many problems.
-I can't come, Rudolph, I won't be accompanying you, but you absolutely must follow Dorothea on her journey, take care of her for me...would you?- his words were interrupted by a hug.
It was strong, it was intense, that hug, it reminded Juniper of the only hugs in his life, the hugs of his mother.
The boy's hands tightened, with strength, sadness, anger around the abdomen of the father.
He shook his head.
-No father! No! No! I beg you, everything, but please don't send me away...- Rudolph begged him.
Was she seriously afraid he was going to send him away? Was this the fear of that boy? Not to be wanted by anyone anymore? To be abandoned?
Juniper knew, knowing the child, that he would never leave, not on one condition.
It was tough, it was hard, as a father to take such a stand, but he had to do it to save his son's life.
He knew he would hate him all his life, he knew it, but what life would it be like, without him, without his son?
He had to make himself hateful in his eyes, Juniper had to do it, for his child's own good.
-Why do you call me father then? You are not my son-.
The Baron felt Rudolph's little hands come off, slowly, sadly, with surprise, from his body, his little frozen nose finish breathing for a few seconds.
He looked into his eyes, the tears, which first rolled down the boy's cheeks.
Dorotea was a few meters ahead of him.
Her hair, red, dull, tied in a long ponytail at the nape of her neck, was blown by the wind.
Her eyes, brown and dark as the night.
She understood the man's sadness, she understood his plan.
-How could I ever accept as a son, Rudolph? You should wake up, think about real life, children at your age learn politics instead of spending their time composing silly drawings and walking in the fields!-.
Juniper felt every word he said burn in his heart, he did not think it, he was instead proud that his son had finally acquired a passion, for art and nature, alone, he wanted him to be safe, he wanted to be able to see him again.
-The time for games is over! Go away Rudolph! Return here, home, only when you have learned the consequences of your actions, when you have learned how to be an honourable young lord! -.
Rudolph kept his gaze down, his eyes filled with tears, which, in his sadness, fell on his pale cheeks.
He didn't move, he stayed there, his lips trembled, he felt offended, angry, Juniper understood his pain.
-Get away from me! Can't you hear me?!-.
He was crying, his father was crying, he was a disappointment, he couldn't make anyone happy by showing his true face to the world.
Rudolph ran away from his father, as he had ordered, took his adoptive mother's hand and got on that ship, knowing, that there was no place for him there. Believing, that there was no place for him in his father's heart.
But he thought wrong...because going away from the port with the ship, he saw his father cry, cry seriously, cry all the tears he had.
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