章 9: Some sense of control
(Chi)
That breath of lucidity was like fresh water to my ailing mind. For just a moment I felt as I used to. I was astonished at the slight recognition of what normalcy was or had been. It almost drew a sensible laugh from my demented and persecuted body. For a fraction of a second that voice that I found vaguely familiar had given me a few moments of silence and I reveled in it. I never received quiet segments of times within my mind; It was forever chaotic and dark.
I wanted to feel that silence again. A part of me was desperate for it. But how did one go about controlling their own demons and sickness that weighed them so strongly down? There had to be some way to retain the brief gift I had been given from the voice that spoke to me only when it felt the need to.
I fully believed and understood that self control was not something attainable for a being like me. For a decade I was ruled strictly by feral want and need. But as I fought to retain that small sense of clarity thoughts began to manifest that hadn't before. I looked down at my rough hands and allowed smoke to billow into them. If I could control this haze I was constantly in to do some sense of my biding, what else could I control? What of the demons themselves? Could I send them to do my will?
It couldn't hurt to try.
I sat on dry blood red crusted grass and crossed my legs, closing my eyes and beginning the only meditation that remained in my mind. The souls began to slither and coil around my brain, causing pressure like I'd never known. As I fought to push a few from my body, they all pushed back with a terrible vengeance. Red drops of sweat began to drip down my face, the blood of the humans I'd killed staining my skin. My eyes felt as if they would pop out of their sockets as I gritted my teeth, pushing the demented souls further and further from my body. Every inch felt like my organs and muscles were being forced apart, tearing and burning as they were. Even the normal wailing had turned into a constant ringing that made blood flow from my ears. My body felt on the verge of real all consuming death, but I held fast to that momentary clarity and peace and forced myself to continue; stealing my will.
As my blurry vision cleared I saw thick misshapen forms of bodies slithering from inside mine to the now dead grass below. First one, then two, then three. By the end of the third I was spent. Their arms and legs cracked and splintered as they faced me. Hazily, I muttered my order.
"Go...and find the one behind...the attempt made...on the emperor."
At first they would not move, but before I could issue the command again they slithered off into the dark faster than even I could track: I'd done it. I'd controlled them. And as my vision began to fade I felt that small calm that i had before and I surrendered to it.
(Misaki)
I waste no time searching for Amaterasu when Inari and I arrive back in Takamagahara. I found her inside the training Pagoda standing in the center of the room with a complicated Array above her head. It glowed and spun as she muttered words I could not hear. My anger flared as I watched her from above. She stopped, lowering her hands and turning her face only a fraction over her shoulder.
"Why do you lurk in dark corners child? You have something you wish to ask me."
Clenching my fists I dropped from my outcropping above, slowly approaching her. Her smile was concentrated but the beauty of her face remained stoic. I would not let her steer this conversation today, not when it concerned my father.
"How long have you known?"
Her eyes rolled down to my angry face and her smile slipped. "How long have I know what exactly? If you are going to ask a question you should be specific."
'mind your temper Misaki' I reminded myself.
"That the Imperial regalia are fake Ama. You sent me there to learn of Kusanagi but I am sure that you must have known that while I searched for information on the blade that I would discover that none of the ones in my fathers possession were real."
She sighed lightly as she folded her hands inside of the sleeves of her Kimono. "The imperial regalia have been missing for millennia Misaki, I just needed to be sure of it myself."
I swore inwardly as I felt my anger growing. "My father, the EMPEROR was almost assassinated within the stunt you have pulled. Who else is aware of this?!"
Her eyes lit up at my words and her beautiful perfectly shaped brows furrowed. "When I sent you I was under the impression that no one else was aware." She glanced away muttering, "Someone else must now know."
"Where are the real regalia?"
She turned back to me. "I do not know."
I blanched. "How do you not know?!" I yelled, all formalities forgotten.
she ignored my question. "You must locate them..."
"How am I to do that Ama!"
"There is an ancient text that tells of the last place they were seen somewhere in the mortal world. You already hold one of the three so you are a step ahead of anyone searching for them."
I took a silent step forward. "So you're saying that my father may have almost been murdered because others want the regalia I am carrying because you placed a target on my back?!"
I was at the very edge of manic. I'd almost gotten the most important person in my life and the country killed because Amaterasu used me like a pawn. As much as I wanted to lose my temper completely I could not focus on my place in this chess games between the gods at the moment, I had other questions.
"What happens if the word has leaked?"
"If the people of Japan hear of this the entire country will be in disarray. Internal war will ensue and your father will be overthrown for illegitimate rulership."
I heard the words between her sentence that she refused to say.
They would kill him.
"And if the other gods have found out there will be war not only below but above as well. If any god obtains all three regalia they can destroy any god, change any course of history at will. It will mean the end of us."
My mind scrambled to make sense of the entire situation. My father could die. I could die. The people of Japan could die. This needed to be handled, and quickly.
"Fine, I will go. Where is this text?"
(Chi)
I'd woken in something of a drunken daze. As I rose from the ground I was reminded of the triumph I was awarded right before passing out. That peace I'd felt in my stupor was still present. Causing me to take a moment to appreciate the blissful silence of my mind. And somehow I knew that the three demons I had sent had not returned yet. For once I had a feeling unknown to me that I almost forgot what to call it; fear. The souls that tormented me emitted fear in their silence. I almost laughed but held back so as not to provoke them. I didn't know how long this bliss would last so pulling what strength I had left inward I let my mind take me where it wanted to go.
Opening my eyes I now stood in front of a white stone gate. There was a field full of browning grass surrounding the place and it was utterly quiet. The trees were decorated in nearly ready to fall off leaves. There was an expertly carved wooden door between the gaps in the rectangular wall. Hesitantly I stepped up to it. The familiarity that flooded me as I pushed open the gate was overwhelming. My feet were weighed heavy as I stepped into the space where a beautiful traditional home sat. The soji doors were slid closed, some of the bamboo paper in the equal squares ripped and torn. The wooden beams of the deck were split, but even in its dilapidated state it was still marvelous to take in. As I turned in circles taking in the thin trees my eyes stopped on the white slab beneath one of the trees, red ribbons swaying on each branch with the breeze. Something wet slid down my cheek as I watched. My hand came up and away from it expecting blood but instead, it was clear as fresh water. Were these tears? Is that what they were called? I didn't recall ever having these before this moment. I'd only ever seen them on the people I slew.
Why was I having them now?
Why did I feel such an attachment here?
'You have a chance to remember Chi-san...'
That voice.
"Remember what?"
'Who you are...and why you are here. That girl will come for you soon, remain here.'
Before, I had seen this spirit or whatever it was as a threat. But as I could see clearly I noticed that it was actually trying to guide me, help me. And it called me by some fraction of a name I assumed. Chi-san; was that truly my name? Regardless, I did as it instructed, taking a seat on the long deck and sinking into meditation.
(Misaki)
All of the weapons I now possessed had been cleaned and reinforced with my mana. Again Inari and I descended Mount Fuji to the mortal world. Again the sky was a pale blue signifying early evening. I turned to Inari.
"I will look for word of the attempt made on your father and anything pertaining to the regalia. In the meantime keep one of my Gumiho with you. Do not fear, I hold her spirit bead, she will harm no other than who you command should you need her to."
A marvelous black fox with a red tipped snout and tail appeared beside me, anger set in her face.
"How did you...?"
Inari shrugged. "She stumbled into my land so of course I seized an opportunity. And what an opportunity it was. We will communicate through her when I hear anything of value."
"Vey well," I nodded.
"Stay safe Tomodachi," She replied sweetly.
And then she was gone and I was alone. I looked to Hiroshima in the distance and took two steps in it's direction before stopping. Floating above me were thousands of paper lanterns. They were of all different sizes and they were only climbing higher.
Was today... the paper lantern festival?
As I watched these flickers of light illuminate the darkening sky my mind yanked me back to a night quite like this one, on a moon bridge...
and just like that I was back inside the royal gardens of the castle, pink lanterns floating all around me. I remembered feeling so full of joy that as I turned around to take in the person who made my heart soar with the cranes each day that joy tripled. My mind blanked even as I smiled. It could not be him! It could not be the same THING I had seen within the castle walls the night of the attempt! But it was. He was just... gorgeous in this. His hair was in a messy top knot , no dark lines marring his skin and his almond shaped eyes were the darkest of brown. In this moment he took my breath away., and nearly made my heart come to a complete stop.
What was this? How could it be a memory?
I had no recollection of that day or this man, but I felt such immense emotion for the man in front of me, how could I not know him? He looked at me as if the entirety of of the world floated through me. I have to know him from somewhere. As he moved to cup my cheek the scene before me melted away and in its place stood...me.
I wore my favorite red Kimono embroidered with white clouds. My makeup was simple with bright red lips and my long tresses were wound into an elaborate bun held in place with over five golden hairpins decked in jewels. My face was serious but serene, my hands clasped in front of me.
'hello dear one.'
I had no words. That was my voice.
'I see this is quite a shock to you. You have regressed your memory of who we once were, if you are to find the regalia you must have those memories returned to you. Are you ready and willing to receive them?'
Regression? Lost memories? What in the world was going on? But it seemed that even within my confusion and many questions I still answered, "Yes,"
Ths other version of myself nodded gracefully before closing her eyes and replying, 'very well then.'
A flash of bright light flared in my mind and when I opened my eyes again it all flooded back. My life here, my unhappiness with the inescapable fate of a royal princess, and then there was Chi, and the choice we'd made. Susanoo, Tsukuyomi, my time in Yomi... the deal Chi had made to save me...
standing at the base of mount Fuji i reached out for the massive stone for support as tears assaulted me.
Chi-san. The vision of his face switched between the one from my vision from what I now new as long ago to the inhumane one I had seen inside the castle walls that night.
Then years.
For tenn years I'd forgotten him...
I needed to find him. But how? Then the thought arose. I could not find him before because I did not know him. But now was different. All of me remembered all of him. If I tried hard enough he would become visible to me again.
(Chi)
My meditation broke just as the gate splintered into a million pieces and the demons I'd expelled came brokenly through the door. They hissed and growled as they circled me. I got to my feet, the Muramasa hot between my shoulder blades.
The first of the broken bit hard into my shoulder as the second pried my mouth open, and the last began to sink into my chest. The burn was inevitable, as was the pain. I collapsed to my knees as they re-entered my body, blood spurting from my mouth like the reddest river.
A broken sob sounded at the door.
"Chi-san..."
The girl from my vision, the one from the palace, stood in the broken doorway, her eyes full of unshed tears. What was she doing here?
Before words could form my muscles seized and a roar of raw pain tore from me. I heard her feet within my pain, shuffling forward. My hand went up shakily and my words came out in an otherworldly growl.
"No!"
She stopped.
"You need-to leave," I spat. The vehemence in my tone was not intentional but I needed her to understand. And even as I lost that bliss inch by agonizing inch something inside would do anything but harm this girl.
"Chi Matesunei."
My head snapped up. "What?"
A step forward. "Chi Matesunei." She repeated. "Last living samurai to the Minimoto clan. You must know."
"You need to leave," I ground out as I crawled backward.
"I will not."
'Kill her, Kill her, Kill her!!!'
A joint command, and almost impossible for me to refuse. "Please..." I groaned.
She knelt a few paces back from me, wiping her tears. "You know me."
"I do not. I can not." I shook my head.
"You must, because I am in need of your help."
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