章 35: Thirty Five
I settled into the couch, my eyes drifting towards Zane as he sat beside Sorelle. The air was thick with tension, the silence between us palpable. We exchanged awkward glances, the weight of unspoken words hanging like a challenge between us. Sorelle, sensing the unease, flashed a mischievous grin as she produced a stack of dusty tomes and began to lecture on the intricacies of emotions and jealousy. I pulled out my book of runes, the worn leather creaking as I compared it to the pages with Lennon's cryptic markings. My intention was to decipher the secrets hidden within, but my attention kept drifting back to Sorelle's words, my ears perked up like a curious creature.
"Let's start with something simple, Zane," Sorelle said, her voice a gentle prod. "What is jealousy to you? What does it mean?"
Zane's eyes flicked up, catching me staring at him. I felt a flush rise to my cheeks as I hastily looked away, my gaze dropping to the pages of my book. But I couldn't help sneaking another glance, my curiosity getting the better of me.
His response was hesitant, his brow furrowed in concentration. "I don't know...it just feels like rage."
Sorelle's eyes sparkled with interest. "Would you consider it a positive or negative emotion? Does it make you feel good or bad? How does it affect the those around you? Does it make them feel good or bad?"
His pause was palpable, his eyes scanning the room as if searching for an answer. "Bad. Definitely bad. It's negative without a doubt."
Sorelle nodded, a small smile playing on her lips. "Correct. There are a few instances where jealousy can be perceived as positive, but we'll get to that another day. For now, let's acknowledge that jealousy mostly doesn't feel very good. And when we peel back its layers, it boils down to a fear of loss. When we're jealous, we're acting out of survival, fearing that we might lose something that's very important to our survival."
As Sorelle spoke, I found myself nodding along with Zane, both of us absorbing her words like parched travelers at an oasis. The air in the room seemed to vibrate with understanding, the tension between us dissipating as we delved into the mysteries of the human heart.
As Sorelle continued to weave her spell of knowledge, I found myself entranced by her words. "The burning question is, why?" she asked, her eyes sparkling with intensity. "Why do we get jealous? I'll tell you why. Our ancestors were threatened by the very basics of survival: starvation, attacks, murder, rape, and infanticide. Life was a constant struggle, and the struggle was often against each other."
She paused, her gaze sweeping the room as if to ensure we were all listening. "The fears and anxieties that make up jealousy were useful thousands of years ago, but are now less useful. Two things are essential for evolutionary survival: procreation and the survival of offspring. We can have babies all we want, but if no one takes care of the babies, then the genes will not survive. This is where jealousy comes in. Jealousy is a protective strategy, to ensure our genes continue to get passed on."
Sorelle brought out paper dolls, one male and one female. She put the male paper doll next to another pregnant female paper doll. "If a male is uncertain of the paternity of his partner's offspring, he may end up taking care of a stranger's genes—thereby sacrificing the possibility of passing on his genes."
Then she put the female paper doll next to a drawing of a house and food. "Since a female always knows that infants carry her genes, her jealousy is typically less determined by parentage or sexual behavior, and more influenced by her concern for the protection and resources that a male partner contributes— since his contribution ensures their survival. In this way, males and females both become jealous when their genetic investment is threatened. And both will defend against competitors."
Sorelle's eyes met Zane's, and I could see the comprehension dawning on his face. "So you're saying the primal part of me is jealous because it's afraid that if I get someone pregnant and they're fucking someone else, the baby might not be mine?" he asked, his brow furrowed in concentration.
Sorelle's smile was like a ray of sunlight. "Yes! Exactly! Brilliant, Zane. There's a lot more that goes into it, but at the core primal level, that's exactly why you're jealous."
He laughed "I've never even thought of having children. Bizarre that somewhere deep inside of me, that seems to be a major concern."
Sorelle nodded in understanding. "Yes, we evolve more with each generation to rid ourselves of jealousy, recognizing it to be less helpful in this day and age. But there is still a sliver of ourselves that connects us to our ancient past. So the first thing I want you to do is begin to become aware of when you're jealous. Often times, naming the emotion you're having will help it dissipate. You can try wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it each time you feel jealous if that helps. Or just mentally say 'This is jealousy' and let it pass."
As I sat there, my mind began to wander back to the moments when I'd mentioned being married to his legion. Zane's reactions had been... telling. Yet now he was saying he'd never even considered having children. A spark of curiosity had flared within me, and I couldn't help but wonder what secrets lay hidden beneath his stoic exterior. Had he ever been married? The thought sent a flutter through my chest, and I felt a pang of surprise at my own interest. I recalled the way his eyes had flashed with defensiveness, the way his jaw had clenched in response to my words. It was as if he'd been guarding a secret, one that he didn't want to reveal. I found myself pondering the possibilities, my imagination running wild with scenarios. Why had he reacted so strongly to the mention of marriage? Was it a painful memory, one that he'd rather keep buried? Or was it something more? A sense of unease settled in the pit of my stomach as I considered the possibilities. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to his story, that there were depths to him that I had yet to discover. I sat there, lost in thought, I was drawn to the mystery that surrounded Zane, to the secrets that he kept hidden. And I couldn't help but wonder what it would take to uncover them, but I had to focus on uncovering the secrets of Visu first. I found myself drawn back to the runes, my mind whirling with the patterns and symbols. I began to notice a sequence, a thread that ran through Lennon's markings like a hidden code. The runes near his ankles spoke of fertility, while those on his legs whispered of magic and power. The symbols on his chest told a story of elements and minerals: gypsum, water, limestone, and ore. And near his neck, the runes spoke of divine union, of coming together. I felt a thrill of excitement as I realized that there was a pattern, a hidden meaning that I was determined to uncover. Fertility, magic, gypsum, water, limestone, ore, divine union...the words echoed in my mind like a mantra, and I knew that I was on the cusp of something momentous. As the realization dawned on me, a triumphant cry threatened to burst forth from my lips. I felt an overwhelming urge to leap from my seat, to dance and spin with abandon, to celebrate the tiny victory that I'd just uncovered. But I restrained myself, biting back the whoop of excitement that had been building in my throat. Zane and Sorelle were still engrossed in their lesson, their faces intent as they delved into the mysteries of the human heart. I didn't want to disrupt their focus, didn't want to shatter the spell that had been woven around us. So I sat there, my body vibrating with suppressed energy, my heart singing with a quiet joy. I felt victorious, even as I acknowledged that there was still so much to uncover, so many secrets waiting to be revealed. The thrill of discovery coursed through my veins like a potent elixir, leaving me feeling alive and invigorated. I smiled to myself, a small, secret smile, as I savored the moment. It was a tiny triumph, perhaps, but it was mine, and I reveled in the sense of accomplishment that came with it. And as I sat there, basking in the glow of my discovery, I felt a sense of anticipation building within me. What other secrets lay hidden, waiting to be uncovered? I was eager to find out. As Zane's lesson with Sorelle drew to a close, I felt a pang of disappointment wash over me. It was a sensation that I couldn't quite explain, and one that I didn't particularly care for. After all, I had been annoyed by his presence, hadn't I? But as I watched him rise from his seat, his movements fluid and confident, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of... something. It was as if my emotions were tangled in a knot, and I couldn't quite untangle them. He approached me, his eyes meeting mine as he passed by. For a moment, we just looked at each other, the air between us thick with unspoken words. I felt my heart beat a little faster, my pulse thrumming in my veins like a drumbeat. But then, he spoke, his voice low and even. "That first block today was good," he said, his eyes narrowing slightly as he studied me. "You hesitated before the punch, I saw it coming, and that's why you missed the second block. Tomorrow, we'll work on hand-to-hand combat." I felt a surge of annoyance at his words, my eyes flashing with disdain. Of all the things he could say right now, he brings up training? I nodded curtly, my jaw clenched in a tight line. His gaze lingered on mine for a moment, as if searching for something, before he turned and continued on his way, leaving me to stew in my own frustration. As I watched him disappear into the hallway, I couldn't help but feel a sense of unease. My feelings for Zane were a jumbled mess, and I couldn't quite decipher who I was more angry with - him, or myself. But one thing was certain: I was determined to show him that I was more than just a novice warrior. And I would always get the upper hand back.
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