章 5: Saving The Damsel In Distress!
Hugo puffed out his chest, trying to channel every action hero he'd ever seen. He swaggered over, tapped the bloke on the shoulder, and said, "Oi, mate. She doesn't want any of your slobbering tonight. How about you back off?"
The drink-sodden chap turned around, his eyes narrowing as they settled on Hugo. A slow, predatory grin crept across his face.
"Oh, look who it is! The Ass Dragon! You're the guy who blew up the auditorium with his farts, aren't you?"
Hugo's face drained of colour, and his mouth went dry. His bravado crumbled like a sandcastle in a tsunami.
Even this drunken idiot recognised him?
Was he really that socially ruined?
He hurriedly tried to salvage what was left of his reputation. "What? No! That wasn't me! Must've been some other guy... who looks nothing like me! I mean, lots of people have... the same... face?"
The guy wasn't buying it. "Mate, I could smell your... hehe... 'performance' from a mile away. Face it, you're the dude who crop-dusted the whole freshman class!"
Hugo's ears turned as pink as a flamingo. He sneaked a glance at the damsel and found her staring at him with amusement.
He had to salvage this!
"Listen, mate, let's not dwell on the past, yeah? Let's focus on the present. And right now, you're being a creep."
"Oh, I'm the creep, am I? Says the bloke who can't even hold his own breath, let alone a girl's attention."
Hugo's eyes narrowed. This guy was asking for it.
He was messing with an otaku! A demon that thrives in the chaos of Discord servers!
He had been forged in the fires of hundreds of online roast battles. This guy was courting death!
"At least I know how to treat a lady with respect, not like some caveman who got lost on his way to the 21st century."
The guy leaned in, his face twisted with anger. "You're asking for a knuckle sandwich, mate."
As if sensing the impending catastrophe, the DJ switched the track with a devilish smirk.
≈Yo, I'm five foot three, but my attitude's tall,
Spottin' a giant, mate, I'm feelin' the call.
He's six foot eight, built like a tank,
But I'm rollin' up on him like I'm top of the rank.
He's flexin' his muscles, got biceps for days,
I'm flexin' my mouth, with a thousand clichés.
"Hey big man, you scared of a breeze?"
He looks down at me like, "Boy, please."≈
The song seemed to boost Hugo's confidence. His eyes grew bloodshot, and his nostrils flared.
He waddled closer to the drunken bloke fearlessly. To the onlookers, Hugo's 5'5 self seemed like a wind-up toy compared to the guy's 6'5 frame!
There was no doubt in their minds—this shorty was going to need an ambulance!
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm gluten-free, so take your sandwich and shove it! And while you're at it, stop forcing girls to wear strap-ons!!"
There was a moment of stunned silence as the drink guy tried to process Hugo's roast. Hugo could almost see the gears turning in his head, like an old computer trying to reboot after a crash. But then the guy's face turned red with rage.
"That's it, you little—!"
Before he could finish, the bloke lunged at Hugo. His towering frame blocked Hugo's vision as he threw a punch.
Instantly, the DJ cranked up the music's tempo. He was watching the brawl with a sadistic grin.
≈I'm a short king, takin' on Goliath,
Got a mouth so big, it's practically a riot.
I'm a weakling, but I'm playin' it sly,
Messin' with a bloke who could swat me like a fly.
He's got fists like hams, I've got fists like snacks,
But I'm still out here, spittin' these facts.
"You think you're tough? Mate, I've seen tougher,
Like the time I opened a pickle jar cover!"≈
Hugo ducked under the wild swing, feeling more like a chicken than a fighter. The strong blow swept his bangs away, exposing Hugo's face.
Hugo panicked even more. That was his protection! His bangs was the shield that guarded what was left of his dignity!
"Hey, watch the hair! I just got it the way I like it!" Hugo yelped, dodging another punch by what felt like sheer luck.
≈He laughed so hard, I thought I had him beat,
But then he cracked his knuckles—oh, sweet defeat.
I tried to shadowbox, throw a punch in the air,
But he just stood there, like, "You fightin' a chair?"≈
Hugo suddenly tripped and couldn't dodge in time. The drunken bloke didn't miss the opportunity and grabbed him, lifting him up like he weighed nothing!
≈He picked me up, like I'm a featherweight champ,
I'm flailin' around like I'm stuck in a clamp.≈
In the chaos that followed, arms flailed, drinks spilled, and people scattered like bowling pins.
≈He's got me in a headlock, I'm seein' stars,
But I'm still talkin' smack, like I'm chillin' in bars.≈
The fight—or rather, Hugo's attempt to survive—ended when the drink guy tripped over a discarded cup and went down like a sack of potatoes, taking out a table of snacks with him.
Hugo stood there, panting, his shirt rumpled, his face a mix of fear and unexpected triumph.
The girl looked at him, half-smiling. "You... you really are something."
Hugo wiped a trickle of sweat from his brow, trying to play it cool despite his thumping heart.
"Yeah, well... just another day in the life of your average... totally-not-an-ass-dragon... hero."
Just as Hugo was about to bask in his moment of victory, the drunken dude suddenly stood up!
Hugo's heart leapt in his chest. Why wouldn't this side character follow the script and just stay down?
Was he trying to steal the spotlight from the protagonist?!
Boom!
The entire party flinched as they watched the big bloke land a solid right hook on the shorty's jaw.
They watched as Hugo's eyes rolled back, his body going limp as he crashed to the floor with a sorrowful thud.
They were right; he was definitely going to need an ambulance!
≈So that's my tale, of David and, well...
A Goliath who's more like a living dumbbell.
But hey, I survived, so let's give it a cheer,
I may be tiny, but my trash talk's severe!≈
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