章 36: Echoes of the Heart
—Honami? —I said, still not understanding Honami's strange behavior.
—Kayden~ tell me —she responded with a sweetness in her voice that made me shiver.
—Yes? —I replied, unsure of what to expect.
—Why was Kikyou-chan in your lap? Why were you stroking her hair? And why were you carrying her like a princess at the sports festival? So, Kayden, tell me... is there something you're hiding from me? —Her hands wrapped around my neck, with a softness that didn't match the intensity of her gaze.
—Eh? —was all I could articulate. Was this behavior... jealousy? Seriously? God, this girl is going to give me a heart attack.
—Answer, Kayden. —Her fingers tightened a little more, and even though her tone remained calm, there was something dangerous in the way she looked at me, as if she were on the verge of breaking.
—Honami, there's nothing between Kikyou and me. Well, nothing that you imagine —I tried to calm the situation, but I felt that any word could make her explode.
—So there is something then... —Her grip around my neck became firmer, and my lungs began to protest. Was this really happening? Honami? The always serene and kind Honami? The girl in front of me was almost unrecognizable.
—My relationship with her is... well, we could say it's similar to the one I have with Mako or Yuki, although not as close... —My voice sounded somewhat shaky, not out of fear, but due to the unbearable tension that filled the air between us.
—So that's how it is...? —she said while finally loosening her grip, but her eyes remained fixed on mine, scrutinizing every word, every gesture. I couldn't read her. I had never seen those eyes in her... so cold, so empty, yet filled with something she didn't want to acknowledge.
—Honami, you're acting... different today. You know? —I murmured, trying to catch my breath and somehow piece the situation back together.
—Different? I don't think so, I'm the same as always —she replied with a smile that tried to be friendly but only made me more nervous. There was no warmth in her, just a mask.
—No, you're not like always —I insisted, taking a step back, trying to gain some space between us, even if it were just mental.
—Well, maybe you're right... but this is your fault —her words fell like a hammer, and the cold I felt at that moment ran down my spine.
—My fault? —I asked, unable to hide my confusion.
—Yes, it's your fault that I feel this way now. Do you know what it hurts to see you so close to another girl? Do you know how many times I've wanted to get closer to you? No, you don't know, because you're too busy flirting with other girls. —Her voice broke, but not out of weakness; it was contained rage, accumulated frustration, and now it was exploding right in front of me.
The silence that followed was even more deafening. The distance between us was not physical; it was an emotional barrier that had built up without me realizing it, and now, Honami was fighting against it with all her might.
I stood there, staring at her, unsure of what to say. Had I really been so blind all this time? Honami, who had always been by my side, smiling, supporting me... now revealed a part of herself I never imagined.
—Honami, I... —I tried to speak, but I couldn't find the right words. How could I respond to something I hadn't even noticed?
She sighed, and for a moment, I thought she was going to leave, but instead, she moved even closer until our foreheads almost touched.
—Kayden... I just want you to look at me, even if just once. —Her voice was barely a whisper, but the weight of her words crushed me.
—What's wrong with you, Honami? —I asked, trying to understand her sudden change in attitude. Honami had always been calm and kind, but now... now there was something different in her gaze, something much more intense. It was almost... possessive.
—What's wrong with me? —she repeated, her voice sounding like a dangerous whisper. Her hands remained on my neck, though they no longer tightened, but her presence weighed heavily in the air—. What's wrong, Kayden, is that I can't take it anymore. —She leaned closer to me, her warm breath brushing against my skin—. I can't keep watching you get close to other girls, how you treat them with that kindness that's never mine... I can't keep bearing that you don't realize how I feel. —The intensity in her voice was undeniable, and those eyes that used to radiate warmth now seemed filled with a mix of frustration and repressed desire.
I stood silent. It wasn't that I hadn't realized what she felt; it was just that... until now, I hadn't understood how we had reached this point. Honami had always been one of my closest friends, the kind companion who seemed to have everything under control. But at the same time, I couldn't ignore the growing complexity of my emotions. How was it possible that this had turned into something deeper and confusing?
—Tell me, Kayden. —Her tone grew more severe, more demanding—. Do you like Kikyou? Do you like carrying her in your arms like she's a princess? Do you like touching her hair while she smiles at you? —Each question was like a dagger, stabbing with precision. The pressure of her hands around my neck tightened again, but it wasn't painful... yet—. What does she have that I don't? —Her voice sounded broken, but her expression was one of pure determination.
—Honami, there's nothing between Kikyou and me, it's just... —I tried to explain, but she wouldn't let me finish.
—"Just" what? —she interrupted, her gaze sharp—. Don't give me excuses, Kayden. I don't care what you think is happening. What I see is enough. You're always close to them, but with me... with me, there's always distance. Why? —Her eyes sparkled with a resentment I had never seen before.
—I didn't know... —I said, almost in a whisper, beginning to realize how blind I had been all this time—. I didn't know you felt this way. —The knot in my throat grew as I tried to find the right words. What could I say? I wasn't sure how to deal with all this. Did I love Honami? I didn't know; I didn't even know what it meant to love. All of this was foreign to me.
Honami leaned even closer until her forehead almost brushed against mine. I could feel her agitated breathing, and her eyes, those eyes that used to radiate warmth, now penetrated me with an intensity that frightened me.
—Didn't you know? —she whispered, with a slight bitter laugh—. Well, now you know. —She let a hand fall on my chest, pressing firmly as if she wanted to make sure I wouldn't pull away from her—. I don't want to share you, Kayden. I don't want you to be with other girls. I want you to be mine. Only mine. —Her voice trembled, but not from fear, rather from a need that seemed about to overflow.
I felt a chill run through my body. There was something almost suffocating in the way she clung to me, in how every word she uttered resonated with an irrepressible desire for possession. It wasn't the kind of affection I had seen in others... this was something deeper, darker.
—Honami, I don't understand... —I murmured, barely able to process what was happening.
—Of course, you don't understand! —she shouted, pressing her hand harder against my chest—. Because you've always been blind. You don't see what you have in front of you. You don't see how I crumble every time I see you with them. —A silent tear began to roll down her cheek, but she didn't seem to notice the pain in her own voice—. You can't keep ignoring me, Kayden. I can't keep ignoring myself!
The silence that followed was heavy, as if the words had drained all the energy from the environment. I looked at her, unsure of how to react. How was I supposed to face this? I didn't know what love was; I didn't know if I could feel the same for her.
—Tell me one thing, Kayden. —Her voice became soft again, but no less intense—. If you don't feel the same for me... if you don't want me the way I want you... then tell me. Tell me, and I will end this. —Her grip loosened a bit, but she still held me captive in her gaze.
I knew I couldn't lie to her. But I also didn't have a clear answer.
—I don't know, Honami... —was all I could say. And those words, though sincere, seemed to break her more than anything.
The silence between us was dense, filled with emotions I couldn't decipher. Honami looked at me, waiting for something, an answer I didn't know how to give. Her grip on my chest loosened, and I could see how her breathing began to become erratic, as if she were on the verge of an emotional collapse.
"Don't you know...?" she repeated in a barely audible whisper, her eyes filling with a mix of disbelief and sadness—"Is that all you have to say to me after all this?"
"Honami…" my voice barely emerged, filled with uncertainty—"I don't know what it means to love someone."
The impact of my words reflected on her face, although she tried to maintain her composure. Her hands were still on my neck, but no longer with the same intensity as before.
"I don't understand." I swallowed, trying to find the right words—"All this time… with Mako, Yuki, Kikyou…" I felt her body tense, but I continued, "I've always liked them in some way, just like I like you. I enjoy being with them, just like I do with you. But I never thought that could be love."
Honami watched me in silence, as if trying to process what I had just said. Her expression, once filled with tension, began to soften, though she still looked conflicted.
"For me, love is something... strange." I paused, trying to organize my thoughts—"I've never felt it. Or at least not in the way everyone describes it. I feel attracted to you, to them, but I don't know if that's love. I've never thought about those things that way."
Her hands loosened from my neck, but she didn't pull away. Instead, she took a deep breath and looked away, trying to process what she had just heard.
"Is that what you feel?" she asked, her voice softer than before, as if something had shifted within her—"Do you really not understand what you feel for us?"
I nodded, unable to find the words to express the confusion I felt.
"I'm attracted to you, Honami." I looked directly into her eyes, wanting her to understand that I was being sincere—"But I don't know if I can say that's love. It's… complicated for me. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to love."
There was a long silence. Honami finally withdrew her hands from my neck and took a small step back. Her eyes remained fixed on mine, but her expression was no longer filled with reproach; instead, it was one of understanding, tinged with sadness.
"Kayden…" she murmured, crossing her arms as if hugging herself—"Maybe I've been unfair to you." She paused, looking down for a moment before raising her gaze again—"I've been so caught up in my own feelings that I didn't stop to think about how you feel, about what's really going on in your mind."
My eyes widened slightly, surprised by the change in her tone.
"Unfair?" I asked, not entirely understanding what she meant.
"Yes." She nodded slowly, taking a deep breath—"I've been pressuring you to see what I see, to feel what I feel. But I haven't considered that maybe you just… aren't ready for that." Her voice broke slightly, but she remained firm—"I haven't been fair asking you to understand something you don't yet."
I listened to her in silence, and for the first time since this conversation began, I felt like I might be understanding what she meant.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to force yourself to love." Her gaze was softer now, full of empathy—"I don't want you to be with me or with any other girl just because you feel it's what's expected of you. If you don't understand it yet… that's okay. You don't have to understand everything right away."
"But…" I tried to speak, but she interrupted me with a slight smile.
"It's okay, Kayden." She said in a calmer voice, a deep understanding in her tone—"I hadn't thought about how difficult this must be for you. Maybe all this time I've been so focused on my own feelings that I didn't stop to see what you needed." Her gaze softened—"And if you need time, then I'll give it to you."
I remained silent, processing her words. I had never thought about love the way she did, and now I realized she was trying to understand me, to accept that maybe we weren't in the same emotional place.
"But, Kayden…" she continued, her tone more serious—"Even though I understand, I want you to know that what I feel for you won't change so easily. I've been trying to step back to better understand my feelings, but now I know that doesn't work." She looked at me intently—"I can't keep ignoring what I feel. I can't keep pretending that it doesn't matter if you're with other girls."
Her sincerity left me speechless. I didn't know how to respond, but I knew she was speaking from the depths of her heart.
"Honami… I didn't want to hurt you." My voice came out in a whisper.
"I know." She sighed, coming closer again, but this time without the tension from before—"I just… don't want to lose you, Kayden. I don't know if what you feel for me will ever match what I feel for you, but I'm not going to pressure you anymore. Just… please, be honest with me. If you ever figure it out, if you ever understand what it means to love, I want you to tell me. I don't want to find out any other way."
Her sincerity hit me harder than I expected. She wasn't asking for me to love her right away; she just wanted clarity, honesty. And for the first time, I realized that I didn't have all the answers I needed, but maybe, just maybe, someday I could come to understand what she felt.
クリエイターの想い 
Tyche_wise
Tyche_wise It might seem that there are some contradictions, or perhaps an abrupt change in Honami, going from being possessive to more understanding. I will delve deeper into this in Honami's upcoming SS, even though the conversation is not over yet.
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