章 2: Self Hatred and History
I know I don't know how it feels to be tormented everyday. My bully as you can call them wasn't that bad. But I was dealing with depression at the time. I know that some of you know how it is to be bullied about your low grades or being annoying. Anything they will do to try and keep you down. I was my own bully in my own way. I lied to myself everyday. That I was a worthless piece of trash. That everyone would be better off without me. I know that there would only be one person who would really miss me.
I tried everything to get rid of that friend so I could get rid of myself. I could die with a guilty conscience. I would die and never be missed. I tried everything to get rid of her. I made her feel bad about herself. I'm truly sorry about that. Lilly is her name. Lilly is still my best friend. Telling me recently that she doesn't cry. Lilly told me the last time she cried was at her grandfather's funeral and then she hasn't cried much since. But after we had our biggest fight, when I told her the worst things to get her out of my life. Lil, told me that when she went into another room and cried. We made up after that.
I don't know why she didn't hate me and leave me. I'm sorry for those who have never had a friend as dedicated to me as she is. I hope one day you can have a friend who will stick with you through everything. And no matter how bad you treat them. So I do guess I deserve what everyone has done to me.
I'm thankful in some ways for some of the things that has happened. The person I know am is better than I was before. Less arrogant, maybe boastful, and vulnerable. I honestly hate that last word. It makes me feel weak, and helpless. I think that if I didn't go through everything that I have that someone else would have to deal with it. I hope no one else will have to know about my whole life. Everything, especially my life of my family and their history. My dad wants to keep it from other people. He told my sister that when she went to talk to the counselor to not tell about the details. That's what they are for. They are not allowed to tell anyone. It's one of the job requirements. Unless being a witness or part of a trial. But that won't be necessary in our case.
My sister has been under a huge amount of pressure. We have been hoping that counseling will help her. That brings up another problem people like my two sisters and my two main friends have come into my life making it even harder to take my life. But I don't want life this way. But I will go back to talk'n trash about the people in my life. Sorry for sidetracking.
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