章 19: Chapter 19

Cersei told her lord husband she loved him a year after she stumbled upon the realization. She was in her solar with Joanna, Arya and Bran. Arya was to finish with her needlework and then join her brothers in training if she desired. Joanna had her archery practice in the morning. She did not care for any swordplay. Kitten as Ned called the nine-year-old was able to defend herself but was not to be bothered with swordplay. Cersei did not push her. The two sisters were opposite to each other and fought tooth and nail. They always made up but could not be called best friends. Her children had favorites. Tommen loved Bran better. They were gentle and wise souls. Jon and Robb were always together. They were best friends. Jon loved his sisters better. Both girls would tolerate each other if it meant Jon played with them. Cersei had been paranoid at first when Joanna and Arya took much interest in their big brother. She was scared they loved their brother like she had loved hers. Her fears were completely unfounded. Jon was a bright boy who was fiercely protective of his baby sisters but nothing more. The girls loved Jon better simply because he was gentler than Robb or Tommen who were boyish and rougher. Jon actually wanted to play with the little girls.

That afternoon Arya ran out of the room as soon as she finished her lesson. Joanna shook her head but omitted any comments. Her daughters loved each other they were just too different to see it yet. She was sure they could never truly hate each other. Bran was drawing a picture of a wolf. He was too young to join any real training although Ned would take him hunting with the boys next month for his fifth name day. It was a quiet evening until they reached news from the Karhold. Poole rushed into her chambers. "My lady, there is word that the Karhold has been ambushed. Lord Stark is inside the castle. Cersei waited five days without news of her husband.

According to the maester wildlings and outlaws had ambushed the Karhold. Rickard and Eddard were holding the fortress. She worried constantly and defied the maester at the sixth day. She sent Stark forces to dispel with outlaws. She wanted to know whether Ned was injured or fine.

The attack was a success but there was no word of Ned. There were no ravens. She assumed the attack was successful because there had not been more ravens from the Karhold.

By the eighth day Cersei wrote letters to the Stark bannermen. They would have to answer her summons and rescue Ned. Jon picked on her restlessness, so did Robb. Tommen, Joanna and Arya remained quiet. Only Bran remained oblivious.

Arya was the first to see the horses. She yelled over to Robb and Jon who were sparring by the yard. She was in her solar when Joanna ran to her. "Father is here. Arya saw the horses."

She ran out of her solar and outside to the gates. She knew Tommen and Bran were by her side. Joanna, Arya, Robb, and Jon hugged a bedraggled Ned who looked worse than when he came back to her during the Greyjoy Rebellion.

Tommen and Bran ran ahead and hugged him too. "I'm fine." He said wearily but happy to receive all those hugs.

Jon took action and commanded the rest of the Stark forces inside the stables. Arya, Robb and Tommen helped him while Joanna hugged her father.

"I'm fine Kitten. Please make sure Marian serves me some supper and I have clean clothes."

The girl ran off to do as she was told. Bran followed her. He would probably go and try to climb some building. She watched as her son left. In front of her was Ned Stark, her husband. Cersei walked closer and hugged him. She had never hugged him or kissed the side of his neck with so much longing. His scruffy beard felt so good against her face. He held her and then she realized they were in the yard. It was improper. She was lady Stark and the commoners could not see her crumble or behave like a starved for affection wench. She stepped back just in time when Robb and Jon joined them.

Ned kept watching her most intently. "I want to sleep." Ned said tiredly. Maester Luwin was by his side. "Lord Stark. I would like to examine you before you rest." Her husband nodded. Soon she was back in her bedchambers watching as the older man cleaned and patched minor cuts and the like. All the while Ned contemplated her. He had put Jon in charge of making sure the men were accommodated for the night while Robb helped him with his tasks. The rest of the children stayed in their rooms until after their father sent word for them. Cersei had been mute ever since she hugged him in the yard. She could not articulate any words. It was stupid and ridiculous. Ned had been to war and had been wounded more than a couple of times. Cersei had been perfectly calm and collected in all of those situations. She practically boasted of her strength. Lionesses do not cry or surrender, they fight. Cersei Stark was strong and a Lannister to boot. She remembered the first year and half of her marriage, her three lost babies and Jon becoming hers. She gave up Jaime and that almost killed her but she came out stronger. If she could live without her brother she certainly could live without Eddard Stark of Winterfell.

Cersei did not want to however. Ever since she became Cersei Stark a world had been opened to her. She was a woman and for that reason conditioned from an early age that she was to be pretty and quiet. She learned to make the best of her circumstances. She had been sold to Eddard, her father had wanted an alliance with the North and Ned had wanted her far from his dear friend and the crown.

Marriage to lord Stark gave her choices. Four and ten years ago father had given her a gift. Tywin Lannister thought he established more connections and had a firmer grasp of Westeros. It could be so, but only if it benefitted her or her lord husband. Cersei gained choices, power over her body, thoughts and actions. Ned did not stifle her like she supposed before marrying him. He let her be Cersei with her love for her children. Ned argued with her, questioned her motives but did so with respect. He respected her. Ned, her husband was kind to her. He was a kind ruler and instilled some of that kindness in her. She lacked that all her life, there is little compassion when one grows up as a Lannister.

"Send for the children I want them here before I rest." Ned said with his eyes half closed. She nodded still mute.

Her brood entered her rooms in less than fifteen minutes. The girls and Bran came close to Ned's side. Even Arya clutched her papa. Joanna and her rained soft kisses on his face. Bran told him about an old keep he discovered while he was away.

Tommen looked as if he wanted to join Bran on his tale but propriety mandated that he stayed with Robb and Jon. Her three eldest were standing up waiting for Ned to do or say something to them.

"Tommen, come by my side." He ran and started to speak about the abandoned keep. For the first time in years Arya and Joanna were not bickering, they were just laying there side by side in Ned's arms.

"What happened father?" Jon asked and Robb nodded as if encouraging his sire to speak.

"There has been disagreement among the Karstark's men. Rickard practices do not bode well with all his men. I stayed in the Karhold to help him settle matters."

Robb glanced at her suspiciously, "Mother sent you ravens, more than two and there was no answer. She sent our forces north because there were wildings and outlaws."

Eight days they had been without a word. Luwin sent ravens to the other bannermen she was sure Luwin sent another raven notifying them of the news. "There were outlaws, no wildlings and I did send a raven it must have gotten lost." He was not lying. Cersei could tell when he lied to protect the children, this was not the case. He talked some more until Jon and Robb were appeased.

Old Nan grabbed Bran, Tommen and Joanna went with them while Arya kissed his father goodbye and went along with Robb and Jon to eat something or other.

The lady of Winterfell looked at her husband and then as if stricken by a blow she understood and was scared but lionesses were brave. They did not cower, if she did not say it now she never would and he could die. He could go and die and she would not have told him. Eddard deserved to know, it would make him so happy to know and she wanted to see him happy.

She stared out of the big window in their rooms. The children were gone; she felt his arms around her. He turned her around. This was her opportunity. She finally spoke. "You are fine." She said and then kissed his lips gently.

"I love you." She said as she looked up to his eyes. He smiled, that big smile of his that he would wear when the children were small. The same smile he gave her when he told her how much he loved her.

He kissed her one more time. "I almost gave up. I thought you would never say those words to me my love." She cried because she knew she loved him but it was not good news. Love could destroy what they had. She was content; she loved her life as co-ruler of Winterfell. Cersei could not bear to not tell him but could not imagine a world in which she was in love with her husband. The doubts came to her immediately. Did she love him more than Jaime?

Jaime was her soul mate, her other half. This was different; she loved Jaime because in a way he was an extension of what she was. He was all that she could not be. He was she in armor. A male Cersei but a golden fool, unlike her in so many ways, she loved Ned in a different and wholly new terrifying way. She loved him and it was her choice, Jaime she had to love. He was part of her but Ned... Ned managed to make her love him.

This man she had once thought cold, honorable but cold and incapable of making her happy had given her much more happiness in four and ten years than she ever thought she deserved to have. He patiently waited for her to love him. Ned never demanded. He asked, they argued until one of them won the argument, usually her. Her husband made sure she was heard and that she was happy.

He kissed her neck more and more and as always she received his kisses and his touch. She kissed his lips and welcomed the scratches from his beard. "Cersei." He repeated as they went to their bed. He smelled of sweat and Ned. She was not completely repulsed by his smell but he was in need of a bath. "You reek." She wrinkled her nose and he chuckled.

She did not expect what he did next. Her husband laced her gown. Cersei was stunned when he pulled a tunic over his breeches and grabbed her hand. "Come with me." He pulled her out of their castle. She was surprised by how quickly he moved. He had scratches around his back and ribs but he moved swiftly around the yard and into his godswoods. Cersei followed with a smile. He was secretive and did not want people to see them.

She recognized his weirwoods, the places where they married and where he and the children prayed. Arya, Tommen, Jon and Joanna loved these woods. Robb and Bran were more interested in adventures than praying really. Ned led them far into the godswoods. Cersei had never been so deep in these woods. They came to a clearing. It was a beautiful place, full of old trees unlike the weirwoods they did not have faces carved in their trunks. These trees were beautiful nonetheless. She saw her husband in front of what appeared to be a pool.

The lady of Winterfell knew about the hot springs around the estate. Jon and Bran loved the big lake like pool by the small keep west of the castle. She spent many afternoons watching her children play in the water. She longed for the beaches in the Westerlands. Of course she never joined her children in the water. It was not proper or comely to see the Warden of the North's wife soaked and in disarray.

Ned undressed in front of her. He was still very handsome; he was lean and strong. He had more scars and lines around his face but he was attractive, very attractive. She could have done worse. He gingerly stepped into the small pool. "My lady wife cannot say I do not please her. My lady's wishes are commands." He leaned back and enjoyed the water around him. Cersei looked around and smiled wickedly. She undressed hurriedly and stepped inside the pool next to him.

The water felt delicious. It was unlike swimming in the streams or the sea. This was far more relaxing and exciting. The pool couldn't have been larger than two of their beds and it was not deep. She would not let her children swim in it but she was an excellent swimmer as was Tyrion and Jaime. Ned was a swimmer too it seemed; he circled her with his arms and kissed her. Ned kissed her differently. He sought entrance surely with ease; there was no hesitation. Eddard caressed the side of her face and smiled. His grey eyes were luminous. Once she said the words it seemed she could not stop uttering them. "I love you." She whispered and gasped when he kissed her some more.

"I love you Lady Stark Warden of the North." He said quickly and placed her over his erection. She never experienced such pleasure when he took her. It had to be the hot water around them. Ned thrust inside of her and she bit her lips. It would not do well if she yelled his name in ecstasy. "No one will hear you. Say my name." He hissed and had a gentle grip on her hips. She threw her head back and felt a delicious tingle from her toes to her center. "NED." She forgot about everything, she was not Cersei, only her pleasure existed, no Lannisters, Starks or any of the Seven kingdoms mattered in that second. Ned stood up. She could not believe he could stand up and carry her to a grassy patch but he did. She was once again glad that it was spring; one of the longest springs recorded in recent history. Ned joined her again and made love to her. It was the first time she called it love. She ran her fingers over his hair and enjoyed his sweet nothings. He had never been this loving to her. He held the vehement declarations of love until this moment when she finally acknowledged that she loved him. "You are mine as I am yours." He said while locking eyes with her. She could feel him moving inside of her, his words had an effect on her. She repeated them, "You are mine as I am yours." She felt compelled to kiss him. They came together in what had to be the most delicious orgasm she had received. They panted side by side. Ned laughed and she joined him. She laughed until he kissed her again. They walked back to the castle at dusk. Her hair was wet and so was his. Cersei leaned on her husband's shoulder; she hugged his torso as they walked.

He was quiet but she came to appreciate quiet. They talked quietly until they heard Rodrick and their sons training. Tommen was the first to notice them. "Mother why is your hair wet? Did father and you swim by the pools?" Robb and Jon paled and there was disgust in their faces. Rodrick turned around and it was evident he was trying to conceal his laughter.

Robb, as always Robb spoke. "No more children please." He said it quietly. Ned would glare at him if he dared say it loudly. The children loved their father but they respected him too much. Jon and Robb idolized him.

Jon could not meet her gaze. She smiled; they were adorable but almost grown. They understood what their parents were doing.

"Papa showed me some pools and we swam."

"You had enough training for today." Ned picked Tommen and glared at his eldest children. "You two stay and practice. Not a word about this anymore."

Rodrick shook with silent laughter. Ned looked uncomfortable but she did not care. She gave him five alive children. She realized she had nothing to be ashamed or uncomfortable about. She smiled all the way back to their chambers.