章 3: Butterflies
An hour or two had passed since Kaworu stopped practicing, and Shinji now found himself idly reading one of the magazines which he'd picked randomly from the shelf above Kaworu's bed. Sitting on the mattress with his back against the wall, he turned the page, looking over an advertisement for a pricy engagement ring, and skimming an article on the announcement of some new movie. He sighed softly.
He had to admit that he was getting a bit bored, although he knew that his boredom was nowhere near as great as it'd be if he was at home. Compared to last winter break, this one was definitely promising to be an improvement. He figured that having someone to spend it with was the main reason for this, though it felt ironic that Kaworu of all people was the one keeping him entertained. He was the most annoying person on the face of the Earth as far as Shinji was concerned, yet his company was appreciated nonetheless.
He hadn't really planned out how long he was going to stay, though he didn't feel much like leaving now. The walk home would be pretty bothersome considering how much colder the weather had gotten, and Shinji figured it just wasn't worth the trouble. He wasn't missing anything back home - save for a few extra warm clothes and blankets - and he knew he was always welcome here.
Shinji turned the page again and read a short column without actually taking in any of the words. Staring at the print, he made the decision to stay the night again. He knew that he didn't need to ask Kaworu if he could; it was like a silent understanding between them that Kaworu would be perfectly comfortable with Shinji staying however long he wanted to. Whether he stayed for one day, or two, or five, or even ten; it didn't matter, Shinji knew Kaworu liked the company. With that thought lingering in his mind, he found himself appreciating Kaworu's generosity as he flicked through the pages.
Just then, he heard his silver-haired companion hum from the bathroom, the door to which stood open. He glanced up to see Kaworu looking closely at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, hairbrush in hand. Craning his neck a little, he recognized that he was running his fingers through his hair, frizzing it. Watching on a little longer, he saw Kaworu ruffle the back vigorously.
Shinji furrowed his brow. "Nagisa, what are you doing?" Kaworu stopped his quick movements to look back at Shinji.
"Hmm? I'm just fixing my hair," he responded. He turned back to the mirror and continued to assault the back of his head with a shaking hand.
Shinji stared. "'Fixing?' How's that doing anything but screwing it up?"
Kaworu ran the brush through his bangs, looking confused. "What do you mean? This is how I always do it," he said, looking at his tousled hair in the mirror. Kaworu stroked the back of his head upwards with the brush, which seemed to tangle his layers, and he ruffled his bangs, further mussing them.
Shinji stared with his mouth open. He knew Kaworu was weird, but... did he really not even know how to brush his hair right? Was he being serious? There was no way he could've lived for sixteen years on this planet and never figured out how to do such a simple task. As he watched on, Shinji realized then that this must be the reason why his hair was always so messy. He had thought before that it was just because he was too lazy to bother with it.
"You're doing that really wrong..." he said slowly, as if Kaworu should've known how counterproductive his method was. Kaworu looked at him again with an eyebrow raised.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, and Shinji had to hold back a laugh as Kaworu's bangs settled so that they were covering both eyes.
Kaworu shook the hair back as Shinji spoke again. "I don't know why you bother with brushing at all if you're gonna do it like that. Don't you see how messy it is now?"
Kaworu looked back in the mirror, cocking his head to the side. "Well, I suppose it is a little messy; does it bother you, Shinji-kun?" he teased innocently.
Shinji stared at his hair. He'd never really cared about how it looked before, but now he recognized a nagging feeling at the back of his brain. Realizing that Kaworu didn't even know how to groom himself properly had formed an idea in his head. A stupid, intrusive, bad idea; one that he knew would embarrass him if put into action, yet...
He went silent for a moment, choosing not to answer Kaworu's question.
"Come here, Nagisa," he sighed, putting down the magazine. "Let me help."
Kaworu stood staring for a moment, but came forward as Shinji raised his eyebrows and beckoned him with a finger. Shinji took the hairbrush from him as he sat uncertainly on the bed. Shinji could hear his thoughts as Kaworu crossed his legs in front of him and leaned forwards, looking curiously excited.
'Idiot. You shouldn't be getting anything out of this. You're supposed to go out of your way not to touch him!' Shinji took a breath and pushed those thoughts away. He was just doing this to help him out a little, it wasn't a big deal... it's not like he just wanted to touch Kaworu's hair...
Motioning for Kaworu to turn around so that he could see the back of his head, he raised the brush before running it over his messy layers.
Kaworu leaned his head back into the brush as Shinji raised his other hand to run it through the light tangles Kaworu had made. His hair was incredibly soft. Shinji ran his fingers through the strands slowly, savoring how silky they felt, and he passed the brush through his hair again.
Kaworu sighed contentedly as Shinji moved the brush, gently running it from the top of his head down to the nape of his neck. His ministrations settled all the velvety strands which stuck up at different angles, and he ran his fingers down through it to make sure that it was properly untangled, noticing how thick his hair was at the same time.
Pleased with how the back looked, he had Kaworu face him again, and felt a little jolt in his stomach at the sight of his incredibly relaxed face. He focused his attention on the top of his head, trying to comb down the many calics that stuck up at his part.
Kaworu's eyes fluttered closed, and his lips parted as Shinji moved his hand down to the side of his head. He leaned into Shinji's hand with a light giggle, making Shinji blush and wonder how Kaworu wasn't at all embarrassed by the action. He replaced his hand with the brush, trying to straighten out the frizzy fluff. Running his fingers through it once more, he repeated his motions on the other side of Kaworu's head.
Kaworu leaned forwards as Shinji began to fix his bangs, and Shinji tried to ignore how close their faces were, though he irresistibly noticed how he could now smell that faint scent of lilac and vanilla again. He also noticed that a soft pink had formed high in Kaworu's cheekbones, putting a gentle feeling of lightness in his chest.
Finally, he fluffed up his bangs a little and moved them around with his fingers so that Kaworu's eyes weren't obscured.
He leaned back as Kaworu opened his eyes to look at him. He scrutinized his hair for a moment, feeling quite satisfied. It was much neater now, and he looked surprisingly different with his hair straight.
He smiled a little. "There. Now it doesn't look like you just walked through a wind tunnel."
Kaworu smiled dreamily back at him, acting as if he hadn't said anything and Shinji felt heat prickle over his face as the silence stretched on.
'Of course he had to go and make it awkward...' he thought uncomfortably as Kaworu continued to stare like Shinji's face was the most interesting thing in the world.
"D-don't you wanna go check it in the mirror?" Shinji asked, squirming under Kaworu's intense gaze, unable to meet his eye.
Kaworu looked on for a moment longer, and Shinji noticed nervously that his smirk was getting bigger. "Right. Of course," he said quietly, finally looking away from Shinji to slip off the bed.
Shinji rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his heated skin as he followed Kaworu into the bathroom. Kaworu ran his fingers through his hair, smirk still firmly in place.
He hummed. "It looks nice. Thank you Shinji-kun," Kaworu murmured, turning his head at different angles to look at all of the sides.
"Yeah, no problem," Shinji said, nervously staring at Kaworu's extremely pleased face in the reflection of the mirror.
Kaworu passed his hand over the back of his head a few times. "Oh, I think you missed a spot."
Shinji confusedly looked at the place Kaworu was indicating. "Huh? I don't see anything," he said, raising a hand to touch the area.
Kaworu suddenly turned his head and grabbed Shinji's raised wrist, bringing it down to press a kiss to the back of it. Shinji let out a squeak of surprise and his eyes widened as Kaworu looked back at him, smirking lips ghosting the spot they'd just touched.
"Tricked you," he murmured, an almost flirtatious glint in his eyes.
Shinji withdrew his hand quickly with a sharp intake of breath, staring angrily at Kaworu's superior face.
"W-What the-?! God, you're so weird!" he stammered, wiping the back of his hand on his shirt. "Don't do that, Nagisa!"
Kaworu let out a teasing little laugh that made Shinji want to backhand him so badly he actually felt his arm twitch as if in preparation for it.
"I was only trying to thank you," Kaworu said, smug expression firmly in place.
Shinji stared him down hard. The nerve. The absolute nerve of him! Shinji goes out of his way to help him out, and he goes and returns the favor by kissing his hand? What?
Kaworu turned back to the mirror, petting his hair. "It really does look nice like this, though. I hadn't realized I was doing it incorrectly before."
Shinji felt indignant that Kaworu was so casually skating by what'd just happened, but he resigned himself to raging in silence.
"I suppose I'll do it like this every day from now on. You think it looks better this way?" he asked.
Shinji sighed and turned to the mirror to look at the silver strands. "Well, it's neater. To be fair though, it does look cuter when it's messy."
Shinji shut his mouth suddenly and felt his stomach drop. Kaworu stopped touching his hair to look down at Shinji, surprised.
"A-Ah... I just mean I'm u-used to it being messy. It s-suits you more that way..."
He stared at Shinji for a little longer before looking back at his reflection with a self-satisfied smile. Shinji looked at him nervously, cursing the butterflies flitting into his stomach. What did he say that for?!
Kaworu hummed happily. "Cuter, huh? Then I suppose I should keep it messy," He glanced at Shinji, "After all, I'd hate for you not to think me cute anymore."
Shinji sputtered. "Th-That's not...! I didn't mean-" He cut himself off as Kaworu's expression grew from pleased to obscenely smug; he was only making things worse for himself.
He huffed, looking away. "Do whatever you want with your stupid hair... I couldn't care less about how it looks," Shinji dismissed, almost cringing at how obviously false this statement was.
He exited the bathroom, knowing that continuing to stand next to Kaworu wouldn't help matters and he sat down on the bed heavily, burying his face back into the magazine in an attempt to hide his blush, which only turned darker when he realized the magazine was upside-down.
He hurriedly turned it over as Kaworu let out a light laugh, forcing Shinji to picture his stupid smirk. His hands shook as he held the magazine, staring unseeingly at a pretty model wearing a flowy dress.
"Well, thank you for the help anyhow, Shinji-kun. It's always nice to change things up on occasion, yes?" Kaworu said, teasing lilt ever present in his voice.
Shinji didn't make any sign that he'd heard Kaworu, just hoping that he'd finally leave him alone. Much to his irritation, he heard Kaworu's footsteps approaching, and could see him in his peripheral, leaning over the bed. He stared harder at the page.
"Still think I look cute like this, Shinji-kun? Hmm?" Shinji felt his blood boil as Kaworu questioned him in a low sing-song voice.
"You like my hair, don't youuu?" he said softly, moving the magazine down with a finger so he could look at Shinji's face. Shinji gave him the most venomous glare possible, temper and nerve rising more and more as Kaworu brought his face close. "Don't you, Shinji-kunnn?" he echoed.
Shinji let out a low growl, feeling his heart pound. He rolled up the magazine and swung it, whacking Kaworu sharply on the head. Kaworu recoiled, looking disoriented.
Shinji drew his legs back and raised the paper again threateningly. "Cut it out, Nagisa!" he spat, staring angrily as Kaworu blinked, rubbing his head.
Kaworu pouted. "Gosh, Shinji-kun, I was only asking a question... you don't need to be so rude. That hurt..." he whined. Shinji rolled his eyes, knowing it hadn't hurt at all.
He lowered the magazine with a huff. "Yeah well, maybe now you'll know not to get in my face like that..." he said, annoyed.
Kaworu let out a long, dramatic sigh, walking over to collapse into the bean bag chair. Shinji saw his lanky limbs sprawled out over the floor as he flicked on the TV, slouching so much so that his butt wasn't even on the seat anymore.
Shinji shook his head, returning his attention to the magazine. 'What a crybaby,' he thought, flicking the page a little too aggressively.
He stared holes into the pages, not quite able to wipe the peevish expression off his face. He hated thinking about just how easy it was for Kaworu to slip under his skin. All he had to do was speak in that stupid, smooth voice and stare with those weird, red eyes and Shinji would be completely wrapped around his finger. Shinji makes one little slip-up and Kaworu's all over him - teasing and smirking and laughing... all because he'd called his hair cute.
'Cute...' Shinji closed his eyes and sighed. How stupid could he get? He set himself up... why the hell had he said that? Shinji opened his eyes again, feeling frustrated. He recognized angrily that he was considering those strange feelings again, and wondered how many times he'd thought them over despite telling himself he wouldn't.
'Whatever,' he thought firmly. He didn't like Kaworu or his stupid, soft, fluffy hair. He just misspoke... that's all.
He forced his attention back to the magazine again as a distraction, until he noticed the disjointed sounds coming from the TV. Shinji glanced up to see Kaworu flicking through channels quickly, seemingly unable to find anything interesting.
Shinji looked back down at the magazine, but did a double take when Kaworu flicked past a blue screen with a familiar cartoon character on it. Shinji's eyes lit up.
"Hey!" he exclaimed, slipping off the bed. Kaworu looked back at him, pausing his rhythmic pressing of the remote.
Taking the remote from him, Shinji changed the channel back. Kaworu sat up, looking curiously at the screen. "See something good, Shinji-kun?"
Shinji smiled a little, sitting down on the blanket next to Kaworu as he put the remote down. "Yeah, it's a Ghibli movie."
Kaworu tilted his head to the side, squinting at the fading logo. "Studio Ghibli...? Huh, I think I've heard of them… Don't they make children's cartoons?" he asked, sounding confused as to why Shinji would want to watch something like that.
Shinji scoffed. "'Children's cartoons?' Come on, you can't tell me you've never seen one of these movies. They're amazing!"
Kaworu looked blankly at him, and Shinji stared back in disbelief. He glanced back at the screen for a moment and a smile formed slowly on his face.
"Well then, it's about time you finally watched one. And you couldn't have come across a better movie to start off with - it's Howl's Moving Castle'. This has been one of my favorite movies since I was a kid," Shinji said fondly, wrapping his arms around his knees comfortably to look at the familiar intro sequence.
Kaworu looked at the screen too, smiling a little. "That sounds quite promising. You think I'll like it too?"
Shinji gave him an appraising look. "Yeah... I think you will." He recalled Kaworu's great interest in romance movies. "It's got a really beautiful soundtrack too; there's no way you won't like it."
Kaworu laughed a little, seeming intrigued. "Is that so? I suppose we'll just have to wait and see if you're right, then." He picked up the remote to raise the volume, settling into his cushion.
Shinji smiled at him before looking back at the TV. He felt strangely happy to be sharing this movie with him. There had been times in the past when he'd watched Ghibli movies with some of his other friends, but they never seemed to like them as much as he did. He felt like Kaworu would be different. They both had a soft spot for music and art, and Shinji always loved the creative beauty behind this movie, so he felt sure that Kaworu would appreciate it just the same.
They sat watching quietly, and after a while, Shinji became aware of Kaworu pressing subtly against his side as he so often did. He wasn't quite sure when Kaworu had shifted off the chair to sit next to him, but he didn't mind this time. With most of his attention focused on the movie, he didn't feel his usual indignation at Kaworu's proximity. Actually, it was pretty comfortable like this, Shinji recognized. The apartment wasn't exactly warm, so the feeling of Kaworu's arm against his really wasn't so bad.
Shinji absently leaned some weight into Kaworu's arm, smiling a little at the pleasant nostalgia rush he was experiencing. Later on, Kaworu tugged down a blanket from the bed, tossing it over the two of them to keep the cold out as he leaned even more comfortably into Shinji's shoulder with a sigh. Curling his legs up, Shinji savored the snuggly atmosphere, subconsciously wishing that he could always watch TV like this.
As they watched the screen, Shinji found himself stealing occasional glances at Kaworu. Whenever he recognized a scene or quote that he liked, he would look at him covertly for his reactions. If he ever caught Kaworu smiling, laughing, or frowning, he felt pleased, knowing that he was involved in what was going on. He knew distantly how silly it was to care so much about what he thought, but that didn't stop him from looking over; he just wanted to make sure Kaworu was enjoying it as much as he was.
"Wow, Sophie your hair looks just like starlight! It's beautiful!" Shinji glanced sideways, feeling his stomach jolt pleasantly at the sight of Kaworu's wide smile and glimmering eyes focused on the screen.
"You think so? So do I!" Shinji felt himself blush, although he tried not to think too hard about why.
'Just like starlight,' he thought, remembering how Kaworu's silver hair felt in his fingers. He blushed harder as Sophie embraced Howl, and tried not to steal another glance at Kaworu, though he could've sworn he could feel Kaworu's eyes on him for a moment.
As the credits rolled, Kaworu leaned back into the bean bag chair with a sigh and a pleasant smile. Before Shinji could even ask, Kaworu was speaking.
"Oh... that was wonderful! I really have been missing out." Shinji felt his insides squirm happily at his words as he watched Kaworu hug himself and close his eyes. "Oh, Sophie and Howl are so sweet! I just can't get enough of it! I never knew you were so romantic, Shinji-kun. I'm surprised," he added, turning half-lidded eyes on his friend.
Shinji shook his head, though he still smiled. "I'm not romantic just because I can appreciate a good love story." Kaworu laughed softly.
"Aw, you don't have to act all serious." He leaned towards him a little. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you're really just as mushy as I am," he teased, leaning further to tap Shinji's nose.
Shinji shoved his face back with a hand as he looked away, embarrassed. "Oh, shut it, Nagisa."
Kaworu smirked, but then returned his gaze to the credits. "So, are all Ghibli movies like this? You said there were others."
"Oh yeah, there's plenty more. 'Princess Mononoke,' 'Spirited Away,' 'Kiki's Delivery Service;' they're all great," Shinji listed.
Kaworu hummed. "Ah, that's good to hear! I do hope we get the chance to see the others soon then; I'd so love to experience more of them with you..." he said, surprising Shinji with the sincerity of his tone.
Shinji smiled shyly back at him. "Yeah, I'd like that too." Kaworu gave him that familiar soft, happy look, and Shinji found himself squirming again. After the silence became too unbearable, he looked away.
"U-Um so, dinner. It's getting late, so we should probably get something to eat other than junk food," he threw out randomly, attempting to shift the conversation. He stood up as Kaworu tapped his chin, thinking.
"Hmm, well you know I don't have much of substance in the kitchen. We could go out shopping for some food like you did last night, couldn't we?" he asked.
Shinji looked out at the frosty window. "Yeah... no thanks. I'm not crazy about the idea of going out right now." He felt a little disappointed as he said it, knowing that meant he couldn't show Kaworu how to cook tonight. "I'll just go order something for here, then we won't have to worry about it," he concluded. As Kaworu nodded at him, he walked into the kitchen - where the landline was - to call up someplace nearby.
Putting the phone back to the receiver after ordering, he reentered the living space. Kaworu had moved to the bed and was looking over Shinji's abandoned magazine. He squatted down in front of the coffee table, looking over his donated video game collection held in its open cabinets.
"It'll be about an hour," he relayed, sliding Metroid from its place on the shelf. Kaworu gave an acknowledging hum as Shinji sat down to play.
They were quiet for a while, the cybernetic sounds from the TV along with the clicking of the controller being the only sounds filling the room. Shinji concentrated on the screen, though he could see Kaworu's movements in his peripheral vision. He kept shifting around, first moving onto his back with the magazine held aloft, then onto his stomach, and then onto his back again with his legs pressed up against the wall.
He sighed, flicking the pages of the magazine as he stared at it. It looked as though he was thoroughly uninterested in its contents with his blank unmoving eyes. After a while, Kaworu dropped the magazine onto his chest with a heavy sigh, sprawling his arms out as he scooted to lean his head upside-down off the bed, looking at the TV.
Shinji saw Kaworu's eyes flicking between him and the screen, feeling distantly uneasy. He knew that if Kaworu was getting bored, he would probably start pestering him soon. It'd always been that way; whenever Kaworu grew too restless or uninterested, he'd always fall back on Shinji as a source of entertainment, whether it be by blathering on to him about whatever mundane thought crossed his mind, asking him stupid questions, or just teasing him. Kaworu seemed to think that any moment annoying Shinji was a moment well spent.
He did it most in class, Shinji had noticed. Even though Kaworu always did so well on tests, he almost never paid attention during lessons. Shinji understood that there were some people who just worked that way, seeing as how Asuka - who was a really excellent student too - hardly ever took notes or asked questions either. Although, unlike Asuka, it seemed that Kaworu couldn't just sit there and pretend to listen. No, he always had to keep himself occupied somehow. Sometimes, he'd absently doodle, look senselessly out the window with glassy eyes, or just straight up sleep. Other times though, he'd resort to much more disruptive methods of slacking off.
He sat a seat behind Shinji, which seemed to be the prime location for his mischievous endeavors. Shinji had lost count of the number of times he'd felt Kaworu bouncing his leg against his seat or kicking the leg of the desk. He felt especially irritated whenever Kaworu got bold enough to slide down in his chair so he could reach his leg out to play a one-sided game of footsies with him under the desk. Sometimes, he'd even run his pencil down Shinji's back, which always made him tense up and repress a gasp. As much as he hated it, Shinji always just ignored him, though that most definitely didn't stop Kaworu from trying to provoke a reaction.
He'd learned the hard way that reacting to Kaworu's behavior was completely useless. He could clearly remember the day after he'd made that second visit to Kaworu's house. While Shinji was trying to pay attention in class, he kept feeling tiny pricks on the back of his neck. He'd turned around to see Kaworu smiling at him, a little origami crane in his hand. He gave him a weird look, realizing he must've been pecking him with its paper beak. Shinji had felt incredibly confused by the behavior as he turned back around, although that confusion very quickly turned into anger.
"Would you knock that off already?!" he'd whispered heatedly after almost ten minutes of sitting through it. Even after he turned back in his seat to focus, he continued to feel the tiny crane poking his head. He had no idea what Kaworu was playing at.
He remembered how he'd retaliated. "Nagisa-kun! If you don't stop that I'm gonna-"
"Shin-Chan, having a hard time keeping your eyes up here?"
Shinji swung his head back around, feeling everyone's eyes on him. "N-No, sorry Katsuragi sensei..."
"I don't care how captivating Nagisa-kun's face is, I want you present, got that?"
Shinji remembered the heat on his face as the class laughed. "Yes ma'am..."
Kaworu didn't stop after that either. It was a daily occurrence. Shinji recalled painfully how he'd finally snapped, turning around to chew Kaworu out after it became too unbearable.
He'd been put in detention for that. It was the first time he'd ever been in detention, and he was beside himself. He remembered staring at the paper he was copying lines on, his indignation at the forefront of his mind. He'd barely even known Kaworu then, yet he'd been so nice to him. Hell, he'd given away a whole console with a collection of games for free out of the kindness in his heart, and this is how Kaworu repaid him? By distracting him in class and putting him in detention? That was such bullshit. What the hell was his problem?!
It wasn't until a few months into their 'friendship' that Shinji stopped trying to understand what his problem was. He'd resigned himself to the simple fact that Kaworu was just odd that way, and there was nothing more to it. He knew now that strange behaviors like those weren't meant to be sinister or mean, they were meant to be playful and friendly. Of course, that didn't mean they came off that way, so really, Shinji couldn't be blamed for his resentment, could he?
It wasn't his fault that he was so weirded out whenever Kaworu got all touchy or teasing. It wasn't his fault that he'd get angry every time Kaworu poked him in the back with his pencil. It wasn't even his fault that he'd never get used to the random things Kaworu would say, like-
"Hey, Shinji-kun, have you ever kissed anybody?"
Shinji blinked, snapping back to his surroundings. He stared at the screen. "Have I- what?"
Kaworu laughed softly, propping himself up on his elbows. "...Had your first kiss: you know, put your lips on someone else's."
Shinji glanced at him. "I know what kissing is, Nagisa... why are you asking me something like that?"
He hummed as Shinji clicked at the controller. "Oh, I'm just curious. Soo...?"
Shinji thought inwardly that he should tell Kaworu to shove it and mind his own business considering how personal that question was, though he felt that simply answering would be a lot less whine-inducing. It's not like he really cared if Kaworu knew anyway.
"Umm, I almost did once..." he said evasively. Kaworu looked surprised.
"Almost? With whom?" he asked, and Shinji felt a little indignant that he sounded so shocked.
"W-Well, it was Asuka, actually," he answered, glancing at Kaworu. He could've sworn he saw his expression harden as he'd said it. "She came at me one day saying she wanted to 'play a game…' really, she just wanted to make fun of me." He blushed, remembering how embarrassed he'd felt. "She leaned in, and I closed my eyes, but... then she put her hand on my lips and laughed when I kissed it," he muttered.
"Ha! You really thought I was gonna kiss you?" he recalled, almost cringing as he thought about her mocking tone. "You're so gullible!"
He shook his head, trying to rebury the memory Kaworu had dug out. "That's the most experience I've ever had..." he ended dryly.
Kaworu laughed a little, and Shinji blushed harder. Was it really that funny...?
"Aw, well that's not very nice, is it? If it makes you feel any better, I've yet to kiss anyone. I don't have any experience either."
Shinji felt a little surprised at this, figuring that a guy as attractive as he was would've already gotten to first base with someone. Though, it was probably to be expected; rejecting every girl who's into you definitely wouldn't help you get there.
Even though he was focused on the screen, he could see Kaworu's expression. He was attempting to hide a smirk behind an innocently curious face. Shinji felt suddenly apprehensive.
After a moment he broke the silence. "Shinji-kunnn, would you like to practice with me?"
"Practice what?"
"Practice kissing, silly," he laughed.
Shinji's hands stuttered and he stared stupefied at the game over screen. He spun his head around to face him. "W-What?! No! Obviously not!" he yelled angrily.
Kaworu couldn't hide his smirk anymore, so he let it show as he slipped off the bed and onto the floor. "Why not? What's wrong with a little kissing?" he asked playfully, inching towards him.
Shinji watched in alarm as he continued to draw close. "'What's wrong with-?' Were both guys! Guys don't do stuff like that!"
Kaworu leaned over him as he fell back onto the floor, heart beating fast. Kaworu's smug expression made Shinji squirm worse than ever. "That's why we're just practicing. We won't be any good at kissing if we don't practice." Smiling wider, he continued, "Come on, aren't you curious about what it feels like?"
Shinji felt flustered beyond reason as he stared up into Kaworu's glittering eyes. His mind was urging him just to say 'no' and push him away, but for some reason the word was caught in his throat. He blushed hard.
"N-None of that makes it any less weird!" he said unsteadily, trying to buy himself some time. 'Just say no! Why won't you say it?!'
Kaworu looked down at him with his half-lidded eyes. "It's only weird if we make it weird." He put a finger to Shinji's bottom lip, making him gasp. "Please, Shinji-kunnn, just one little peck?" he murmured pleadingly. Shinji stared wide-eyed at the pale finger pressed softly to his lip, heart pounding in his ears.
He tried again to get the word out, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't push Kaworu away, he just couldn't. He distantly felt panicked in his mind, but all of a sudden, he found himself acting on impulse.
"F-Fine, just kiss me then," he said shakily.
Kaworu looked disbelieving at first, but his face grew wildly happy, and he made a little noise of satisfaction as he leaned down, tilting his head. Shinji breathed quickly through his mouth as he stared at Kaworu's lips. They looked so soft. Shinji felt their noses brush together and the heat between them intensified as he closed in, just an inch away. 'So close.'
The doorbell buzzed, and Shinji jerked, snapping his head over to look at it. Kaworu looked over too, lifting himself to stare for a moment.
"Ah, food's here!" he said happily, standing up. Shinji was paralyzed on the floor as the heat lifted and Kaworu made his way over to open the door.
Suddenly, he felt the weight of what had just happened crash over him, and he became aware of how intensely he was blushing and sweating and how painfully his heart was thudding in his chest. He was an absolute mess.
'Why didn't you say no? Why the hell didn't you say no?! All you had to do was push him away, what is wrong with you?!' He watched blindly as Kaworu brought the food back inside.
He set the bag on the dining table and laughed down at Shinji's limp form. "Don't you want to come over here and eat?"
Shinji didn't say anything, but Kaworu came over to offer a hand. Shinji felt himself shake when he took it and tried not to display how wobbly his legs were when he stood.
He ignored how Kaworu's hand seemed to linger a little too long over his, and sat down at the table, fighting the strong desire to cover his face with his hands so Kaworu couldn't see how brightly red it was.
Shinji ate slowly. For the first time, he actually wished that Kaworu was filling the silence with his annoying chatter because that would at least distract him. He had a kaleidoscope of butterflies in his stomach - making it difficult to get his food down - and they were dancing around quickly, tickling him, preventing his heartbeat from settling out.
Mostly, his mind was storming. He was angry at himself. He'd let Kaworu get far too close, and he didn't even push him away. How lucky it was that they'd been interrupted. If that hadn't happened then Shinji's first kiss would've been with a stupid, creepy dude.
'A dude!' Shinji thought angrily. 'I almost got kissed by a guy! That's mortifying on so many levels!'
Shinji forced himself to feel relieved that the kiss hadn't happened, but deep down he knew that he wasn't at all relieved. He was disappointed. But he wouldn't let himself recognize that because that feeling was wrong. He wasn't supposed to want to kiss Kaworu. He hated Kaworu, and he wasn't even a girl. Kissing him would be gross.
He reasoned with himself. Sure, he hadn't pushed Kaworu away, but that didn't mean anything, right? He was just shocked. He didn't have the time to process what was going on, so that's why he'd let it happen. Kaworu had just surprised him, that's all.
It was a feeble argument, but it served its purpose. It allowed him to calm down enough to shoo the butterflies away, and he felt the heat recede from his face. It also managed to stifle the sudden, exhilarating thought of what it'd feel like if Kaworu had actually made contact. He took a deep breath. He caught Kaworu's eye, and he smirked, looking entirely calm and collected. Shinji felt a little spike of irritation prod his insides. It was so unfair how he was always perfectly unaffected by the most embarrassing things. Shinji returned his steady gaze. Fine then, if he was going to pretend like it hadn't happened, then Shinji was too. He wasn't going to let Kaworu take advantage of his embarrassment this time.
Shinji looked back down as he ate and felt relieved when Kaworu finally spoke. It was simple small talk, but Shinji clung to it; It helped to pull him from his still unsettled mind. As they talked, Shinji noticed how the sky had turned lightly gold, signifying the approaching dusk. The apartment's luminescence shifted accordingly to the sky outside, and as Shinji looked to Kaworu as he spoke animatedly, he noticed how the red of his eyes seemed to glow more intensely in the light. He stared fixedly at them, not fully taking in everything Kaworu was saying, feeling glad that he could admire this feature without raising any awkward questions.
Kaworu finished eating, sat back in his chair with a sigh, and closed his eyes. He ran a hand through his hair. and Shinji saw him shiver.
"It's certainly getting colder in here... I think a nice, hot shower sounds delightful right about now, don't you?" Shinji watched him stand up and stretch his arms high over his head, trying not to notice how the hem of the hoodie lifted to reveal a small strip of smooth skin.
"I'll have to treat myself. Maybe you should consider doing the same after me… Unless of course, you'd like to join me now," he smirked, eyeing Shinji with that familiar glint in his eyes.
Shinji gave him a distasteful look, thinking that he wouldn't take up that offer if his life depended on it. "Yeah, I think I'm good..." Creep.'
"Mm, if you say so, Shinji-kun," he laughed, turning to make his way into the bathroom.
Shinji looked down to finish his food, shaking his head and sighing petulantly at Kaworu's lack of cleaning up, thinking that he must be about the laziest guy Shinji knew. 'Tactless little...'
Resigning himself to clean it all up, he noticed just how much colder it'd gotten. He felt goosebumps form on his arms as he tossed out the trash, wondering if Kaworu's bed would offer enough warmth later tonight when they went to sleep.
He sat back on the bean bag chair, grabbing the fluffy blanket Kaworu had thrown over them earlier to wrap it tightly around himself as he picked the controller back up. He tried not to think about why he'd been interrupted in the first place as he resumed playing.
It wasn't until a good few minutes later that Shinji heard the shower stop and the bathroom door squeak open. He turned around hesitantly to see Kaworu - thankfully clothed this time - walking out with Shinji's hoodie balled up in his arms. Shinji felt a little squirm in his stomach as he realized that Kaworu had been wearing it all day.
As Kaworu thanked him for letting him borrow the item, he dropped it next to Shinji, who took a moment to look up into Kaworu's face. His skin was flushed pink from the heat of the shower, his lips looked even softer than normal, and his hair was ruffled so that the strands lay messily over his forehead and cheeks.
'Cute,' he thought simply, feeling his heart skip.
Shinji gave an involuntary shiver. Noticing this, Kaworu looked down concernedly, seeming to interpret the shiver as a response to the crisp air of the apartment.
"Oh, Shinji-kun, you really should take a shower. There's plenty of hot water left for you; it'll warm you right up," he suggested happily.
"A-Ah, right..." he said, feeling relieved that Kaworu hadn't realized why he'd really reacted that way. He abandoned the blanket as he got up, walking over to the bathroom in the deep golden light of the sunset, carrying the hoodie.
As he closed the door behind him, he felt the heavy warmth of the air, breathing in the faint scent of soap. He let his thoughts drift as he stripped down and entered the shower, arching his back a little against the hot spray of the water. He breathed out as it flowed over his cool skin, closing his eyes and basking in the relieving change in temperature. He listened to the calming trickle of water pattering against the tile floor and held himself, breathing deeply.
He felt grateful for this momentarily leave from Kaworu's presence. He realized just then that he'd been yearning for the opportunity to be alone with his thoughts and feelings. Whenever Kaworu was around, he'd felt too uncomfortable to really focus on them, almost as if he was worried that he'd be able to read his mind if he was too close. And he was afraid of the idea of Kaworu knowing what he was thinking, because so many of his thoughts recently had revolved around him. He didn't want Kaworu to know just how much of Shinji's mind he was occupying.
He was already uncomfortable enough considering these things by himself, yet he pushed through anyway as he ran his hands through his hair. The water seemed to instill within him a kind of resolve to face his feelings, even if a large part of him was still squirming and protesting the very idea. He felt that it was necessary, because at this point, he was sick of trying to ignore it all.
Shinji's feigned ignorance of those strange new emotions wasn't holding out in the slightest. As much as his mind bleated that these feelings didn't exist, Shinji was well aware that he was only kidding himself. Those butterflies were very real. As were his desires to admire and touch and hold and cuddle and kiss Kaworu. Every little thought and every little feeling that stirred within him whenever Kaworu smirked or laughed - they were all real. It was an undeniable fact.
You simply didn't blush at the sound of a person's voice for no reason. Your heartbeat didn't quicken at the feeling of a person's hand over yours because the only emotion you feel for them is disdain. You didn't fantasize about stroking that same person's hair on a meaningless whim. All of those things arose from a deep, pure feeling; one which made Shinji dig his nails into his arm.
He was afraid to name that feeling. He'd gone as far as he could. His insides squirmed too hard for him to delve further. He felt tingly and shaky, and feared that if he continued to reflect the room might start spinning.
Recognizing all of these things so suddenly was incredibly disorienting. Shinji felt himself slowly lower to the floor. He sat there, holding his legs with his arms, and burying his face in his knees as the water rushed over him.
As Shinji knew him, Kaworu was an ethereal odd-ball. He was conceited, annoying, touchy, and whiney. Shinji still couldn't understand what it was about him that made him feel so fluttery and nervous. That description wasn't at all befitting of a person who Shinji would expect to evoke emotions so intense, yet here he was, harboring an entire butterfly garden in his chest for him.
It still felt so very wrong. He knew he shouldn't feel the way he did. He wasn't supposed to feel these things for a guy... especially not one like him. But he knew now that pretending like those 'incorrect' emotions weren't there was a lost cause that acted as no real help to anyone. He'd never understand them if he just continued to shove them away.
The thought was frightening, but he figured that he may want to be more open about letting himself feel these things. Maybe that's how he'd be able to understand.
He unwound his arms from his knees and allowed his skinny legs to stretch out before him, looking up to feel the sting of the water against his already heated face.
He decided then that he wouldn't lie to himself anymore.
Supposing that he'd been in the shower long enough, Shinji stood back up slowly, noticing the light shake of his legs. He quickly washed himself as stray little thoughts drifted in and out of his brain.
He knew that he didn't dislike Kaworu; to continue to say that would be an outright falsity. Of course, that didn't mean Kaworu didn't still annoy him - Shinji didn't think that particular feeling would ever change - but he certainly didn't hate him. He supposed they were friends after all. Although, he felt that he really shouldn't say that to Kaworu; his head was big enough as it was.
Shinji finished the shower, taking a breath. He stepped out and dried himself off, looking at his fogged reflection in the mirror. He wiped away at the glass to clarify his image, staring hard into his own blue eyes.
'Don't act all weird now just because you've been thinking. He doesn't need to know anything,' he told himself hotly. He attempted to prepare himself in facing Kaworu again as he pulled on the hoodie, although the attempt quite died away as he breathed in the distinct scent of Kaworu that clung to the fabric, feeling his stomach jolt.
Embarrassedly, he leaned his face into his shoulder, letting the smell wash over him, but then straightened up and shook his head to clear it, grasping the handle with one last deep, calming breath. 'Everything is chill...'
As the door squeaked open, Kaworu looked over from his place on the bed, where he was snuggled up tightly in a few layers of blankets, reading a book. The sun had gone down, so that golden hue had turned cooler and darker, but by the illumination of the TV screen, Shinji could still see the smirk on Kaworu's ghostly white face. He felt relieved that his first reaction to that expression was annoyance. 'At least that's familiar.'
He could feel the coolness of the air breeze against his moist skin as he moved to turn off the TV, depriving the room of its artificial light.
"You were a while in there, Shinji-kun. Everything okay?" Kaworu asked as he watched him.
Shinji approached the bedside and gingerly slipped under the pile of blankets as Kaworu shifted to make more room for him. "U-Umm, yeah. I was just enjoying the water… lost track of time."
Kaworu's smirk widened as he closed his book, leaning up to put it back on the shelf. "Ah, see, what'd I tell you? That hot water works magic," he said, laying comfortably with his hands behind his head, closing his eyes.
Shinji gave a hum in response, folding his arms over himself as he looked up at the dark ceiling. He felt happy laying here like this. Despite the slight cold that permeated the room, his insides were warm, and his mind felt clearer than it had in a while. The water really must've worked some kind of magic, Shinji thought, smiling.
They were both quiet as they laid there for a while, Shinji savoring the closeness between them as he listened to Kaworu's light breathing.
It was a few moments later when Kaworu broke the silence in a low voice. "Shinji-kun, are you still curious about my resemblance to Rei?"
Shinji turned to look at him, surprised. "Huh? Oh, yeah, I am, but... I thought you said it was private." Kaworu still looked up to the ceiling and Shinji suddenly got the distinct impression that Kaworu had been thinking about asking him this for a while. "Are you... comfortable telling me now?"
Kaworu smiled a little, opening his eyes. "Yes, I am. I feel very inclined to tell you, actually." He turned to Shinji, "I want to be honest with you, because I trust you."
Shinji stared back at him, lips parted. Kaworu's clear tone left Shinji in no doubt that he was speaking honestly. His words seemed to carry a good deal of emotion, almost as if he were on the brink of confessing something which he'd never shared before… maybe he was, Shinji realized.
He gave him an encouraging little smile. "Alright then, I'm listening."
Kaworu looked back up at the ceiling.
"Rei and I share the same biological father. We're half-siblings."
Shinji blinked. He knew Kaworu couldn't be joking - Shinji was far too familiar with his sense of humor to think for a moment that he was trying to trick him here - yet this information still left him dumbstruck.
"I... I had no idea. But how does that work? I mean, you guys don't live together or anything. Why don't you two talk if you're that close?" he asked, curiosity overruling his respect for Kaworu's privacy. He felt a little guilty as the words left his mouth, though Kaworu didn't seem uncomfortable.
"Well, that is where things get personal. We didn't grow up together. To be truthful, neither I nor her knew of the other's existence until I transferred here around a year ago. We just never recognized each other as brother and sister."
Shinji looked at him, furrowing his brow. He felt suddenly curious about Kaworu's past. It was strange how he'd never given much thought to where Kaworu came from, especially considering how mysterious his appearance had been, yet now that lack of curiosity was being made up for.
"Nagisa... how did you grow up?" He posed the question delicately, trying to let Kaworu know that he wasn't obligated to answer if he didn't want to. Kaworu looked at him again, smile ever present on his face. Shinji thought he saw something like gratitude surface in Kaworu's eyes, making him wonder if he had actually wanted Shinji to ask that question. He made sure to listen intently as Kaworu next spoke, wanting him to know that he cared about the answer.
"I did not know my father growing up, nor my mother. I had and still have no real knowledge of them, other than that my father produced another child with a different woman after my conception: Rei.
"As I said, we grew up apart, so I was an only child. I stayed with foster families mostly, although I always felt distant from them. As I grew older, I came to realize that I simply didn't fit. With every new set of 'parents' and 'siblings' came the repetitive feeling that I was disconnected from them. It might've been the pity, I think. I was never taken in out of love. A lonely, strange child is what I appeared to be, and so people felt sorry for me. Nothing more, nothing less." His expression grew hard, and his tone was bitter.
"I never made real friends and I never became attached to people. I was maybe nine when I began to fantasize about a world away from my current one. I remember how I would dream about running away. I wanted to live for myself, in a place where I wasn't surrounded by adults and peers who all felt sorry for me. I so dearly wanted a new start.
"When I turned fifteen, my foster parents decided that I could finally live on my own. They allowed me to relocate here, to Tokyo." His eyes looked suddenly bright.
"The relief that flowed through me when I first stepped off of the train that took me here... Shinji-kun, it was wonderful. Like I had been born again." He shook his head a little, seeming lost in remembrance. He was silent for a time, until he spoke again, coming back to himself.
"It was wonderful... yet I still felt anxious. There was a part of me which feared that things would end up the same as before. I would be friendless and loveless, and I would be right back where I started. But... that isn't what happened.
"I have never been happier than I am here in this city. I have friends who I can laugh with, I have a comfortable home to call my own, and most importantly, I have agency. I can be... me." He said the last syllable clearly, the word expressing all that he'd been keeping inside.
He went silent, but then he blinked, and the dreamy look in his eyes faded a little as he looked over at Shinji. He seemed suddenly embarrassed and worried, as if he'd just realized how much he'd said.
"I-I'm sorry if I overshared, I just-"
"No, no... Nagisa, don't apologize. I... I'm glad that you told me. I never knew any of that stuff." He smiled a little. "You've been wanting to tell someone about all that for a while, haven't you?"
Kaworu looked embarrassedly up at the ceiling again, blushing a little. "I suppose so. Thank you for listening to me, Shinji-kun. I feel... happy, like some weight has been lifted. Is that what sharing secrets feels like?"
Shinji laughed at the question. "Yeah, it's supposed to feel good. And don't worry, your secret's safe with me." Kaworu looked happily at him, eyes glimmering.
Shinji smiled back, though he felt something unsettled in the back of his brain. There was still something he didn't understand.
"Nagisa... how come you don't talk to Ayanami? I mean, sure you didn't grow up together but, now that you're both here, why don't you reach out?"
Kaworu sighed a little, looking suddenly insecure. "Well... to be honest, I feel anxious about talking to her. It is a little overwhelming to come to the sudden realization that I have such a close blood relative and so… I'm not exactly sure how to approach her."
Shinji stared at him, thinking. "You know, I think it'd do you good to reach out to her. You guys have a shared past... even if people try to tell you that blood isn't important, sometimes it is. You two have each other... I just know that if I was in your place I'd talk. Having someone who can truly empathize with what you've gone through is really valuable. I mean, I understand what it feels like to be alone," he ended quietly.
Kaworu knit his eyebrows, head turned to him. "What do you mean, Shinji-kun?"
Shinji looked back into his curious eyes. For some reason, he suddenly felt like opening up to him. There was something about Kaworu's gaze which seemed to push him to share his own past. He felt the words bounce around in his head before he hesitantly allowed them to spill from his mouth.
He told Kaworu about his father, how he'd abandoned him after his mother's death when he was just a child, how he'd left him with his aunt and uncle, and how they treated him like a visitor rather than a family member. He told him how he didn't have any other family.
"Sometimes... Sometimes it's just hard knowing that I have to carry this burden all by myself; that I don't have anyone who went through it with me, who can really get how I feel."
Kaworu's eyes met Shinji's, and an unspoken kind of connection seemed to form between them. Shinji felt sure he understood.
"I see... Thank you, Shinji-kun, for telling me all of that. I know it can't be easy to admit." He sighed, smiling a little. "I suppose you're right, I should speak to her, shouldn't I? Possibly she's hurting too."
Shinji saw sympathy in his eyes. "Shinji-kun, I'm sorry that you feel so alone. I do hope that talking about it at least has aided you in some way?"
"Yeah... I think so, actually. I don't think I've ever talked about this before," he said slowly. "But I do feel different; like how you said... a little lighter. Thanks, Nagisa." He didn't force the appreciation that presented itself in his voice, he really meant it.
Kaworu's smile was wide, yet it wasn't exactly the one that Shinji knew. It was softer, less smirky and more appreciative. It wasn't teasing, it was genuine and kind. Shinji blushed.
"Oh, I'm so glad Shinji-kun. I always want you to feel happy like that."
The sheer emotion in his pronouncement left Shinji's insides fluttering. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard Kaworu speak like that, and it left him at a loss.
Kaworu turned back up to the ceiling, closed his eyes, and sighed comfortably. "Thank you again Shinji-kun, it's been really nice, talking to you like this."
Shinji stared at his profile, not quite able to tear his eyes from Kaworu's happy face. "Yeah, it has. Thank you too..."
They lapsed into a comfortable silence, yet Shinji just couldn't stop staring at Kaworu. He watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest, suddenly realizing how much he wanted to move closer to him. All that had transpired just now brought Shinji's feelings for the other boy to the forefront of his mind, and his desires were so much more difficult to ignore than usual. He wanted to feel Kaworu's warmth, and he wanted to feel his arms around him.
His heart was beating quicker as he battled with himself. It was one thing to realize his feelings and let himself think about them... but actually acting on them? Wasn't that going too far?
He closed his eyes, trying not to speak, but he found it so hard to think straight. A little exhilarated jolt passed through his chest a split second before the words tumbled out.
"Nagisa, would you just... just come closer?"
Kaworu opened his eyes. "Closer?"
Shinji breathed heavily, not quite able to look at Kaworu's face. "Yes, closer. It's just... really cold tonight."
Kaworu looked at him for a moment, before smiling, unlinking his hands from behind his head. "Mm, it is cold, isn't it? Don't worry, I'll warm you right up," he hummed softly, before sliding across the sheets, draping an arm smoothly over Shinji's side. He raised himself a little higher to rest his head on his dark hair, urging Shinji's head into his chest.
Shinji gasped at the eager compliance to his request, feeling the intense heat of Kaworu's body seep into his own. His heart beat faster than ever as Kaworu sighed and wrapped his arm tighter around him, moving a leg to tangle it between Shinji's. Shinji blushed hard when Kaworu sank comfortably into the embrace, seeming entirely peaceful and at his ease.
He laid there stiffly, wide-eyed, holding his arms awkwardly between their bodies, not quite sure what to do with them. He hadn't realized just how nervous this would make him and he felt upset at himself for not considering that before he'd so blindly blurted out his request. He was so uncertain, yet at the same time, he was thoroughly aware of just how wonderful this felt. Kaworu's body was pressed so close to his, and he could feel Kaworu nuzzling subtly into his hair.
Slowly, he melted into the embrace, breathing deeply with his eyes closed, trying to control himself. He gently pressed his head into the soft fabric of Kaworu's shirt, breathing in his clean scent and savoring the warmth he provided. He could hear Kaworu's heartbeat from beneath his chest and was unsure if it was just his imagination, or if it was really beating a faster tempo than normal. The idea that Kaworu wasn't quite as calm as he appeared to be seemed to comfort Shinji, giving him the confidence to raise a shaky hand to delicately lay it on his companion's waist.
Kaworu seemed to draw satisfaction from Shinji's movements, and he pulled him closer than before. Even though it hadn't truly been his intention, the intimate hug was most definitely keeping the cold out and he felt blissfully warm as he laid there, feeling Kaworu's thumb gently caressing his back. The combination of Kaworu's body heat and his own blush almost made him forget that it was snowing outside.
With the initial nervousness overcome, he welcomed the straggling butterflies which fluttered low in his stomach, smiling a little into Kaworu's chest. He recognized after a while that he was getting sleepy, his thoughts fogging. Why couldn't he always fall asleep like this?
As he breathed - steadily now - through his parted lips, Kaworu gently stroked the back of his head, lulling him even more into the wonderful pull of slumber.
Just before Shinji drifted off, he heard Kaworu's low, pretty voice drift through the air.
"Goodnight, Shinji-kun, and sweet dreams..."
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