章 36: After dark
"I'm sorry president " were the next words that came from the mouth of my pawn, of Issei.
"Call me Rias, Issei and why are you sorry?" I asked him softly. He was probably sorry about the things that had happened but I could also be wrong. In any case, it was better for him to be the one speaking of a would-be wrong he probably thought he committed than me.
"It's like I can almost remember what happened. It's blurry as if it was a nightmare I woke up from but I know everything I saw was real. I saw how I've hurt you."
"This is fine Issei, you didn't mean it," I told him with the softest tone I could mutter. Even then, even if he did mean it, I don't think I could have been mad at him.
I don't think I could when the root of the problem had been me. I don't think I could have when he looked at me with eyes so full of remorse and sadness. I could see how the canonical Rias could have fallen for him. He had surprisingly innocent eyes for a boy part of the pervert trio.
"I did though," he spoke softly. "All those things, all this anger, all of this hatred that I felt was already there."
"It was because of the deal you made Issei, not because of you inherently," I told him trying to make sure he stopped blaming himself.
"I was still the one who made the deal with the dragon. I was the one who still sold my soul. I had thought it would allow me to be stronger, stronger like I should have been against Riser, stronger like I should have been to protect my family, and the town, stronger like I should have been to protect Asia, Asia I almost burnt!"
My fingers travelled to his head to play softly with his hair "with many should and if we could create worlds Issei."
I had lost my grandparents and it was only after I did that I realized how much they meant to me. The last words my grandfather had said before losing his ability to speak because of a stroke was my name. He had said my name and I had been too engrossed in my own thoughts that I had been too late. Maybe if I had listened, I could have helped or done something. It felt as if I had failed him even to this day.
I lost my grandma shortly after when I didn't expect it. She was healthy, more than people her age were. One day she was fine, the next one, I woke up with the news that my grandmother, the one I had seen more as a mother than my biological one died.
There were so many things I wished I had done. I wished I had been at their side more. I wished I had told them I loved them more. I wished I could have been a better grandchild.
I should have done so many things, could have done so many things but they were gone and there had been nothing more that I hated than their absence.
The person who said that time healed wounds was a fucking liar. Time didn't do shit. The only thing it did was make you used to the pain, was make you used to bleeding.
I had learned with time that wishing, should and if wouldn't bring them back to me. The only thing you could do was looking forward and trying to be better.
"You held hatred and anger toward me Issei but did you hate me? Do you hate me?" I asked him. "Please answer."
He tried to break his gaze away from mine by moving his head as if he was ashamed. I stopped him by grabbing softly but firmly with my other hand on one side of his face to stop him from doing so.
"I don't Rias," he said slowly "But it doesn't change the fact that I felt this way for a brief moment. It doesn't change the fact that I've hurt you."
"Your words and intentions are a paradox Issei. You say that you hate hurting me but this is what you're actually doing."
His eyes widened "Wha-".
"Do you think I like the fact that my pawn, one of the members of my peerage, of my family can't stop to think for a moment? Do you think I like the fact that you're blaming yourself for circumstances that were not of your making, of your fault?"
"That's not what I was trying to do," he spoke softly almost meekly like an ashamed child being reprimanded.
I sighed "I understand more than you probably expect what it is to always feel like failing, what it is is to always feel like useless, a waste of space."
It had been the case for a long time. When one of the oldest sweet words you could remember from your mother was being useless, it seemed that it was easy to internalize it forever. I hadn't understood why some words hurt more than others, why the feeling of not doing anything, of relaxing felt like a crime.
I wasn't perfect. I hadn't and probably would never be but one thing I could do right was show him, making him understand that his value wasn't synonymous with his failures.
"So how do you do it Rias? How do you become better? What did you do to make those thoughts stop?"
"They honestly never stopped. I may look confident but most of the time, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm regretting and thinking about the things I have done or should have done. There is no true miracle cure. The two pieces of advice I can give are to learn to be kind to yourself and never, never stop trying to be better."
"Is this all?"
"I don't really know. I'm fortunately not omniscient but I think this is the best answer I can give you. It'll be hard, unbelievably so but don't forget you're not alone dealing with it. You have friends, you have people who care about you."
You have a family I wanted to tell but even though it would be true, it felt kinda disingenuous and cruel to say this when he lost his biological one not days ago.
"Rias, I still can't understand. It's like I'm in a bad dream I can't wake up from. My family, the inhabitants of Kuoh, they were innocent yet they died! He did it without remorse," he spoke his gaze becoming glassed as if he was remembering something.
"He was supposed to be a protector god of Japan. My parents weren't the most religious but they truly believed in Shintoism. Each time they could, they would travel to Kyoto and give offerings to temples of the gods, to Bishamonten's temple. It is not fair!"
"That's the nature of most supernatural beings. They only take and take and take until you have nothing left. At best, they dismiss you, at worst they manipulate and make you suffer. There had been a thousand of Kuoh in the past that were destroyed too for stupid reasons."
His gaze locked with mine "You're not like that. Why can't they be like you? You only gave me more and more."
"Issei, I am just like them, just in a different Way. In the end, I'm still a devil. I am just one who maybe cares unnaturally too much."
"Even then, maybe if everyone was like you, maybe things would have been better," he said.
"Maybe things would have instead been worse," I said back to him.
A serene silence began to install itself between the two of us. Issei needed this, this false reality and tranquillity where everything went right.
I began to sing softly under my breath. This was a melody I wasn't even sure if I truly knew the good words but it is one that had stuck in my head since I was younger, that I only brought some calm and rest in my soul when things went wrong.
"Belle étoile
Pourquoi pleures tu?
Moi, je suis plein
De rêves nostalgiques
Belle étoile
Pourquoi pleures tu?
Moi, je suis plein
De rêves nostalgiques~"
One thing I loved about being a devil except the reality-altering power was the fact that I was literally more, that I was literally better able to do things most wouldn't have been able to do with ease. I didn't need to try to sing with a perfect pitch, to think about my breathing or other stuff like that. I just did it the first time better than most.
"You have a beautiful voice Rias."
"Thank You, Issei. It comes with being a devil. One day, sooner or later, you'll be able to do the same or even better if you wish to. Maybe when all of this stops, we'll make you participate in a singing contest."
His eyes widened in fear "No, I wouldn't be able to. I would die from the embarrassment."
"Good Singers are really popular you know," I joked. "Maybe it'll help you gain the harem you wish for."
"A harem? Yeah," he spoke sounding subdued. "I'm not sure if I still want one," he said shocking me.
"But that was your dream!"
"It still is but I don't think searching for one now would be a good idea. I lost my friends. I almost lost Asia. I don't want this to happen again."
"You're fearing the could be, what could happen. I understand where you're coming from but is it not being afraid, a slave of the future?"
"It probably is but the last month only showed something to me Rias. It showed me that I was weak. You can't protect anyone when you're weak," he told me.
I stayed silent because I didn't disagree with him. He wasn't wrong. The only true rule this world had was that power decided all.
I don't think Kagutsuchi and the other gods who attacked would have if the supervisors of Kuoh had been my brother and Serafall. The Shinto gods had attacked Kuoh because we were weak. They attacked Kuoh even with all the possible consequences because they thought that there was a chance of them winning.
"Would you let this fear affect your current relationships though? Nothing is set in stone. The next minutes could be our last. In the next few minutes, we could die without knowing the cause. Wouldn't it be better living without regrets, to do your best?"
"Probably but even then, I want, need to become stronger. It's only then I would feel safe. I don't want to lose more."
"I won't let you Issei, I won't let you." It didn't matter if I needed to become God, if I needed to become the greatest monster in existence, I'd do anything that would allow me to protect them.
A brittle smile bloomed on his face. It was a broken smile, one that was ready to fall at its seams at any moment, that held both despair and hope "I trust you Rias."
His gaze wandered away from mine to look at the false sky of this layer "It's very different. We're clearly not on Earth anymore."
"No, this is hell, the home of Daemons and their devil descendants."
He spoke his gaze still fixed toward the sky "Rias, you once told me most myths were true."
"Most myths are partially true. A lot of things were modified or became inaccurate as time passed but yes, most myths can be called true."
"Does it mean that Yomi exists?" he asked me softly.
I knew already why he was asking the question. Yomi was the Japanese underworld ruled by one of the last Japanese primordial deities and one of the creators of Japan, Izanami. I don't think she was happy about our presence on Japanese soil but fortunately, the goddess was tied to her realm due to the seals put in place by her ex-husband Izanagi.
"Yes, Yomi does exist Issei," I confirmed. "I already know what you're asking me this. What you want to do is dangerous."
"Will you stop me?"
"I should. What you're planning is something that could be the cause of your doom."
Most myths that spoke about going to an afterlife to bring back a loved one never ended well. Orpheus and Eurydice. Izanagi and Izanami. Those things always ended badly.
"Did you think about how Asia would feel?" I asked him.
He reacted as if I had struck him in the face "You're the last thing she has. She lost Heavens because you wanted her at your side and now you're potentially leaving her all alone. You gave her everything and want to take it all back. That's cruel Issei."
"I don't want to hurt her," he told me.
"Most of the time, we don't want to hurt others yet we do. What do you think she would do if you were gone?"
He stayed silent even though his eyes betrayed his tumultuous inner thoughts. Even if I showered Asia with Love and care, I don't think it would be enough.
"I will help you Issei. Grow strong, prepare yourself and when you're ready, you won't be the only one who will be plunging into the depths of the Japanese underworld."
A smile, a true smile bloomed on his face "A part of me feared this would be the answer."
I scoffed As if there was any other possibility. "We're family Issei, we support each other. No matter what happens, I'll never give you up. Like I said, things will be hard but never forget that you're not alone."
I turned my gaze toward the sky. For a brief moment, I thought I had maybe seen it smile back to me.
クリエイターの想い 
allen1996
allen1996 This chapter was partially transcribed by one of the conversations I had in the past. I found it fitting. We can’t change our past. The only thing we can try to change is the future and even if nothing change, trying is in itself enough. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. If you want more, I have two more chapters of Infernal Comedy and two more chapters of Demiurge on my Patreon ( https/www .patr eon/ Eileen715 without any spaces)
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